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Time considered when accepting or declining wedding proposal
I have been involved for over 17 years with my highschool sweetheart. We have 3 children together. We were married in 2001. I divorced him in 2005, because we both weren't ready for marriage. Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally or Financially. We didn't communicate and couldn't get alone with each other so we divorced, and gave it some space, while continuing to see one another, regardless of dating other people. Upon continuing to see each other, we grew closer together. I still have some trust issues, as he does as well, yet we talk about them. Sometimes we don't communicate with eachother and become distant only for a week or so and let it cool off and then discuss the issues and move forward. I love him very very much. Abuse used to be an issue of the past on both behalves. We have had counseling and abuse is no longer an issue for either one of us. He has recently asked me to remarry him. I asked him why he wanted to try this again, his answer is because he loves me and because of time. Is time really a factor and should it be considered in my answer? Time was a learning experience for both of us. It was hard, confusing and very painful for both of us, but we have over come and are still overcoming daily. I look at the time as negative, but the over coming as positive. Sorry so long, but need a straight up answer.
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I checked out your previous question about this relationship and I really think that you both need some counseling if you cannot figure out how to effectively communicate.
To me, it sounds as if you two have gone through a lot of things together. The problem of all of this is contained in this sentence alone:
"Sometimes we don't communicate with eachother and become distant only for a week or so and let it cool off and then discuss the issues and move forward."
For any relationship to work properly, you have to effectively communicate ALL of your feelings as soon as they come into play. This means, when you're upset you talk about it right away until you feel alright again. It isn't okay to wait until you cool off--you need to talk about things when they occur, when they are fresh, and when you can say every little thing you're experiencing.
This also means opening up to your partner about every little concern or thought you have and having your partner do the same. This takes much time to figure out and learn to stay constant with but you can do it (trust me, I've had to learn this too).
Your first step should be telling your partner about everything you've been keeping back and expect him to do the same. Even when bad things come out you don't just wait until things cool off--you deal with them right then when everything is fresh.
So, sit down with your partner and tell him this. Tell him that you would like him to open up about every itty bitty detail of his thoughts. If one day you're telling him how you feel and he thinks, "Bitch," then he should tell you! Then after he tells you, instead of getting all upset, ask him why he thought what he thought and how he thinks you could handle the situation better.
See, if both parties are aware of exactly how the other thinks then they can avoid so much. They learn what behaviors are acceptable and what affects the other person. They are able to predict responses better, thus avoiding hurtful situations. If you wait until you're calmed down, your partner will never truly understand your side of the situation because you will forget some of the feelings you experienced.
If you can't figure out how to do this (and, yes, it will take time) then counseling is needed. This is exactly why people go to marriage counseling--because they cannot figure out how to talk about their feelings with their partner. The couple will go to counseling so they can talk to the third party in front of their partner, and then become accustomed to their partner knowing all of their inner thoughts. When both partners are use to talking out their thoughts and feelings, they are more likely to hold a successful relationship.
Again, it's really a long process. The point is, even if you think really bad things about your partner at some point you're suppose to tell them so they can take note of what made you feel that way and so they can either stop doing that thing or can help you work out the reasoning why you feel that way. This also includes the cell-phone problem ;)
So, in short, learn to talk with your partner before deciding if you two can have a long-term relationship. I know you don't want go into this thing again only to end up where you are now.
I hope you work things out and all goes well in your future.
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Go back to counseling, if you aren't already, and ask this question there.
We can't know all the details of 17 year long relationship or even begin to delve into what you two have gone through. That is a lot of time, and a lot of wounds.
You need to have a serious discussion with him about what getting married again means, what both of you feel about it and what will change. That conversation will be best had with a professional third party mediating it, and helping you both be forthright and honest with each other and helping you really hear each other.
Counseling isn�t just for the crisis moments, like abuse, it�s also a good thing for all major life decisions.
It isn't so much about what is the right length of 'time' to think about it is, it's about how you use that time to work closer to your goal. Use the time before you agree to seek out professional guidance and mediation to help you ask the right questions and get the truest answers from you both.
You know already that you have more work to do, even though the work that is already done has been great. Take the time to do the work, ask the questions, and get the help you need to truly make a happy marriage possible or to decide that it isn't possible.
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