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How long should someone keep paying for a mistake?
24/m.
Point is, while highly drugged on my meds, I did something really stupid with another girl.
I already apologized to my girlfriend years ago, and she has stayed with me still, but she keeps bringing it up and going on how I have yet to prove my trust now.
I know I did wrong, and I've done everything to make up for it. But seriously, when a man has all but forsaken his family and friends just because she basically wants him to, doesn't that warrant finally letting it go?
I know you all are going to get on my case for doing it in the first place, but I'm asking if I've made up for it (not arguing that I did wrong, I just want to know if I'm just being abused now).
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I have read that if you wonder about something, it is probably true. Some people relish the chance to justifiably punish people forever. there is a statute of limitations for everything especially if you pay for the crime, she needs to break the habit of punishing you, but she won't if you always react the same when she does it. don't sell the spank, show less emotion when she does it and she wont get the thrill
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Some women may forgive but a lot of us have a hard time forgetting. It seems to me that she hasn't forgiven or tried to forget. No you can't forget but you can decide you aren't going to talk about it any longer and move on. It doesn't sound as if your girlfriend is willing to move on. You have made the choice to forsake your friends and family for this woman so you have to make the choice of whether you want to continue with her in this fashion since she probably isn't going to change or chalk one up to a learning experience and move on yourself.
You say this was years ago with no other similiar lapse in judgment in the intervening years yet she says you haven't made up for it? I would move on. She sounds as if she will never let you live it down and you will be paying for the mistake for the rest of your relationship.
My husband caught his ex wife in bed with another man and he chose to forgive her and try to make it work---three times. She still left him and he didn't throw it up in her face because he was trying to move on and rebuild the relationship.
Abuse comes in many forms and if she consistently wants you to pick her over family and friends just to show she has the control then I would say she's more selfish than abusive but that you still need to move on or try counseling so someone can help you deal with her and help her deal with letting go. People make mistakes that's why we are human. If she is continually throwing it in your face I would also wonder if she is cheating and using your lapse to justify what she may be doing.
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Choices are choices, no matter how you slice 'em up.
A while ago, you made a choice do 'something really stupid', however impaired you were by medication.
You then made a choice to apologize to your partner and move forward with them.
You made a choice to 'all but forsake' your family and friends.
You are now choosing to stay with your partner.
You can't MAKE her let it go. She doesn't have to let it go! It might be rational and fair for her too, but she's entitled to her feelings all the same. The only thing you can control is your own choices.
You could talk this out with her, and you can both choose to move forward togeather and leave the constant reminders of the past behind you.
You could choose to leave her.
Or you could choose to go on just the way things are and stay miserable with her.
Her inabilty to let this go doesn't make her a 'bad, bad person' but it might make this a bad relationship for you to be in.
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First, you made the decision to do whatever it is that you did - willingly (drugged, drunk or neither). You apologized for your actions and I COMMEND you for this, obviously, she didn't completely forgive you for whatever it was that you did. She partially forgave you and is unable to forget. I went through something like this and to be real it took counseling for me to forgive completely and forget because it was affecting me mentally, physically and spiritually to continue carrying it.
In the course of letting go of the hurt, I had to let go of the relationship for a couple of years because I knew I could forgive but never trust again - I took a good look at the history of the relationship which had been over 17 years and decided that the relationship wasn't worth anything positive to me in my life and I cut it off for 2 years to concentrate on my inner as a whole. It takes time. Time heals all wounds.
There is nothing that one can do to make up for hurt they have caused but to honestly, sincerely and whole heartedly apologize and not do it again is all you can do. Which means that everything you do must reflect change as a person. It isn't abuse, you caused it and didn't think of what the decision would lead to or cause down the road.
In reference to your question in the second paragraph: Letting go b/c you've cut people off - the answer is NO.. it doesn't warrant letting go. Letting go is warranted by the individual based on their own time frame, their own decision based on their strength and when they are ready to let go and let God. Now, did you tell her that you did something stupid or did she have to find out from someone else or on her own? This too plays a huge factor! Once trust is betrayed it takes YEARS to rebuild, it takes counseling,patience, compromise, and dedication.
It also depends on how many times you did this stupid thing - to apologize and do it over and over again causes each ounce of trust gained to be dumped out in pieces, and that hurts too. She is confused, hurt, upset, feels betrayed and most likely blamed herself for your mistake. Ask her if she needs time to heal and be willing to allow this time, should she advise you that she needs it. The abuse part: if you are trying to force her to forget and not hurt based on the fact that you think it's about time, you are being abusive. Not only did she decide to stay with you, you decided to stay with her too.
Unless you have been dogged, betrayed, lied to, hurt to your lowest point, then you're not going to understand what she is going through. Some men leave the woman they have hurt so badly, simply out of respect instead of forcing her to forgive and forget. She can't right now and she never will without self motivation.
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Ok... So you're saying this happened years ago? And she still won't move past it?
Hate to be the barer of bad news, but if you guys haven't gotten past it by now, will you ever?
If you can't move on from this and have a happy, healthy relationship, then what do you have?
If she can't let go of the past, then perhaps you should let go of her.
ygs-30/f
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