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should people be themselves in relationships?
I have a question - obviously in a relationship between 2 people there are going to be differences with each of the persons values and tastes, lifestyles etc.
Now you always hear of people saying "im not changing, this is who i am, take it or leave it" kinda thing. But on the other side to that you also hear of people changing things to compromise or for the benefit of their partner.
I need advice on what is the best school of thought - acceptance of everything as is, or compromise?
For example i bought some shoes my BF didnt like and refused to let me wear them so I called him controlling. But on the other side i ask him to come to bed with me at the same time cos i need some intimacy in our relationship and he says that is me controlling him in the same way he is controlling with telling me what shoes to not wear.
Please give me advice!
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I think like Razhie said below, there should be both compromise AND acceptance.
Like you said, obviously there will be differences between 2 people in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't change some of those differences to make your relationship easier. But that also doesn't mean you should have to change EVERYthing to make your relationship easier.
Using your example, if I bought shoes and my boyfriend didn't like them, I wouldn't care. If I liked them and I wanted to wear them, I would. I would tell my boyfriend that while I value his opinion and I'm greatful that he was honest with me about it, they're MY feet and what I put on them is my business. This is something you should compromise on, simple things that really don't actually have much of an affect on the relationship anyways.
But when it comes to the big issues, like sex, marriage, money, children, etc, you can't always compromise on them. If somebody is dead set against sex before marriage, for example, you shouldn't push them to do it when they don't want to. See what I'm saying? Sometimes you just have to respect your boyfriend or girlfriend's differences, and set them aside.
I think that an even balance is what makes a relationship work. You have to be willing to be open to some change, but you have to respect one anothers' differences at the same time.
I hope this helps!
-Laura. (16-f)
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Why can't you be accepting AND disagree at the same time.
Why can't you be honest about your own self AND compromise.
The correct response to your boyfriends dislike of your shoes isn't to call him controling, it's to camly refuse to BE controlled. Accept his opinion, and stay open to compromise, but decide for yourself if his opinion is going to change your behavoir or not.
This is how you respond to him: "Wow. I geuss you really don't like these shoes. I'll keep you opinion in mind, but I do like them, so I'm still gonna wear them sometimes."
Of course, this sort of thing doesn't work on topics that ACTUALLY MATTER, like views on marriage, abortion and religion, but on petty things like shoes, it's the only way to go.
Both of your need to stop handing out orders and start making requests and sharing your feelings. No one wants to be ordered around. People are more willing to compromise and respect different opinions when they are put to them gently as requests, not as expectations or rules to obey.
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