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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
For those of you who have gone to college and FINISHED, was it worth it? Truthfully?
How did you stay committed and motivated?
Was it really hard? Are community colleges hard?
What are the classes like.. because I'm not going to lie.. it makes me nervous. I dont want to be wandering around and get lost or whatever.
Better than highschool or worse..?
I'm just very anxious.
The Answer
Better than highschool.
If you are open to it, better in highschool in every possible way.
The bottom rung, those diliberately ignorant people (no offence meant, but there it is) don't go on to college. People are less clique-y and generally, more engaged in the world around them.
Also, generally, you don't have to take as many classes that don't interest you.
How did I stay committed and motivated?
I studied something I loved, which is the most important thing for me.
Also, I didn't ALWAYS stay committed and motivated.
Seriously, unless you need to get scholarships or you want to go on and do a masters or doctorate... your grades in college don't matter all that much. Just pass your classes, and get what you can out of each of them.
Sure, if you have higher education goals, grades do matter, but if you don't, don't stress yourself out.
Was it worth it personally?
Well, yes.
However, I didn't go thousands of dollars into debt for my education.
AND I'm actually working in my field of study.
That makes me a bit unusual. The majority of people carry school debt and many never work any job that has anything to do with thier undergrad.
So, I'm not really norm.
Even if that wasn't the case, I still say it was a great place to spend four years.
It's okay to be nervous! I'm sure you were nervous about highschool too! The cool thing about college is that there are literally thousands of you who are new to it. Hunderds of people wander around and get lost that first week! So, it's fine. You will be given maps and meet frosh bosses who are so friendly it makes you vomit a little.
Okay, maybe that last part is just me, but there will be uber-nice frosh bosses.
Finally, the BEST thing about college is this:
If isn't working out for you, you can quit.
If you aren't getting what you want from college, you just leave and go find another one. Or find a job or a training program!
You don't really have opitions when it comes to highschool, but when it comes to college, the options are there. Some of them take a bit more work then others, but really, you can do anything you want evetually.
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The Question
So the past couple days, I haven't been hungry, so I haven't been eating. Like I've had a piece of bread a day for like 3 days, and last night at like 11 I had a cookie. And when I think I'm hungry, I just get a drink and then I get wicked full, and I don't eat. I don't know if I'm sick.. because I feel fine and I don't know if this is good or bad for me. Like I've heard if you don't eat, you get fatter, and then I've heard you get skinnier. I DON'T have an eating disorder. I'm happy with my weight for the most part. So my questions are, is this good or bad for me?, will i lose/gain weight?, and am I sick?
The Answer
If it's been really hot out, it’s not too unusual for your appetite to take a nose dive.
Often people mistake being thirsty for being hungry anyways. So it's also not strange that drinking would stop your hunger.
If your appetite doesn't come back in the next day or two (I'm assuming you have no more soccer games) then I'd worry a bit, but extreme exercise, added to extreme heat make this a reasonable thing to experience. No reason to panic yet.
HOWEVER, when you get like this, don't eat bread and cookies! Eat fruit and veggies. You'll feel better and they will kick-start your stomach, rather then grains like cookies and bread, which will only slow you down even more.
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The Question
what would you ask ur bf/gf to find out if hes cheating...
The Answer
'Are you cheating?'
There is no way, short of walking in on them, to know for certain if someone if cheating or not. There is no litmus test, or magic question you can ask that will unveil all their secrets to you.
There is only the truth. Not from them! FROM YOU!
If you think your partner is cheating, tell them so. If you care about them at all, they deserve a chance to respond to your fears. If you keep your fears to yourself, you are only making the relationship toxic. If you snoop and spy, you are lowering yourself.
If you think your partner is cheating, tell them you believe so, and tell them why you feel this way. Let them respond to you. Ideally, they should want to reassure you and make some reasonable changes to help you feel more confident. Either that or they'll confess.
There is no fool-proof system to keep your partner from cheating on you. People in this life WILL betray you. It's a guarantee. Sometimes you'll get out before they do. Other times they will pull the wool over your eyes. It happens to the best of us.
Being in a relationship requires trust. If you can't trust your partner, you shouldn't be with them, it doesn't matter if they cheated or not! If you can't believe that they didn't or won’t, break up with them right now.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I were together for about six months. He's 17, I'm 16. We had a great relationship, and everything was fine until he got fired, and then suddenly he broke up with me.
The only reason he gave was that I said I cared about him, and he said I was too clingy/needy for him. I realize now that communication was never his strong point. And today he told me that he just didn't feel the same anymore, absolutely no reason for it.
So, it took me a couple weeks (which for me is a long time) to accept that this wasn't actually my fault, even though he made it out to be that way.
I (mostly) got over him, but I can't get over HOW and WHY we broke up [Me saying I cared about him, and he dumped me out of nowhere] so how can I move on?
The Answer
I don't want to play the 'I'm older and wiser then you card' but I probably have been through a few more breakups then you and there is something that I know for certain.
The reasons are NEVER good enough.
Even when the reason is cheating or lying, it still doesn't feel like the HOW and WHY questions really got answered. The answers we get offered are NEVER satisfying. They never feel like they are 'good enough'.
This is a feeling you will probably have to deal with in ever adult break up you have. Mature and intelligent people don't often get dumped over immature things and petty fights; they get dumped because it just isn't working out. It sounds like you are just too mature and self-aware to be in a toxic and self-destructive relationship, but your relationships might still end, and it will be harder to explain away then if you were immature and petty. Deep down, immature, insecure and petty people know why they relationship ended. It ended because it was lousy and they behaved badly. Intelligent, kind and reasonable people will always have a harder time figuring it out.
Sadly, there are no tricks. I find it helps to remind yourself that 'Yeah! His reasons sucked and I'll never understand the crazy guy.' but in the end, you just have to give yourself time. In my experience, being haunted by the unsatisfying answers is in the last part of the break up tunnel. So keep doing what you are doing. You are on the right course and almost through it.
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The Question
16/f.
i was sick of the "you're fat" innuendos i was getting in my sophomore year..even though i knew i wasn't. i was just thick. and i was sick of people always putting me down and me taking it because of my low confidence (which is probably why they pecked at me in the first place..). i was a pretty good looking girl..with the exception of acne. really bad acne that had to have a last resort treatment. i didn't really take good care of my braces..didn't wear my elastics..late in my treatment. and now that it's summer, i plan to change all this. i'm working REALLY hard everyday. i'm very determined to lose weight, to clear my acne (which will clear itself from the meds), to boost my confidence. but as i'm doing all this..i notice this certain notion of competition in my head..i wanna be better than all my "girl"friends. i mean, i like them all..but i wanna be better than them, and i know that i can be. but i don't want this sudden determination to manifest into TOO much confidence...would you think this is way too ambitious?
The Answer
I don't think it's too ambitious.
I doubt you will become too competative and bitchy if you keep in mind that you DON'T want to be that way.
Here is a good way though to cut out the compitition with your friends AND be a better person: Compliment, Compliment, Compliment.
Of course, not to the point that you sound fake, but try too notice the things in your friends that you admire. Maybe one is a really good presenter and public speaker. Maybe another has really creative ideas with her hair or picks out great accesories. Maybe another is good at making people feel better... Whatever it is. Notice it, admire it, and instead of getting jealous, let them know you think they are cool because of 'x'.
I promise, if you can compliment one person a day, you will be able to be an awesome friend AND you probably wont become concieted.
As for you plan, like I said before I don't think it's too ambitious, I think it's totally doable. But you should be more specific about your goals.
Loosing weight and boosting confidence are very vague goals, so they are hard to achieve. Better to set firm goals like "I will loose 15 pounds" or "I will do 100 crunches a day". As for confidence, set yourself a goal, like "I will get a role in the school play and be awesome at it!" or "I will give a speach/read something allowed at assembly/whatever confidently and be awesome at it!"
It's easy to dissapoint yourself when you don't make your goals clear because if you don't know exactly what the goal is, how will you know you reached it!? That is why you have to be clear, that way you get what you want and you KNOW that you've gotten what you want. After you achieve one exact goal, you can set another.
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The Question
how the heck do you know this is me?!?! if you are so annoyed of my OBESSIVE QUESTIONS then stop reading them and answering them. I JUST WANT OTHER OPINIONS. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Answer
Alright, I will no longer answer your questions I notice are from you.
Please, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE. Get some counseling.
The patterns you set now in relationships will haunt you for the rest of your life. Please, for your own sake not mine, correct this pattern before it becomes the only way you know how to love.
You CAN choose better for yourself.
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The Question
I am a male teacher in a mixed school.
I just finished my first year of teaching. I really like my school, the students are respectful, and so are the staff, but I'm having some problems.
Since I am the youngest teacher in the school, a lot of the girls I teach flirt with me.
They would do anything to get my attention.
Ok, I do feel flattered, but there's one girl in particular that is over the line.
I teach her four times a week, and she's 15. She sits in the front row, she is constantly flirting with me, she wears very low cut tops, and she always comes to find me because she has ''problems'' with her homework.
This is starting to worry me, I have a girlfriend, and I've told her about this, but it doesn't bother her.
What can I say to this girl. Whenever she talks to me, she tries to make physical contact, and I don't want to be fired from my job because of this.
Please give me some advice. I know school is over for the summer, but I found out the other day that I will teach her again next school year, and I don't want these things to haunt me.
Thank you in advance.
The Answer
Ask your principal or fellow teachers for thier advice. You might be young now, but they were all young once!
You don't even need to tell them which student it is! Just explain you have a female student whose flirting is crossing that line and making you uncomfortable and ask them for thier advice.
I'm not a teacher myself, so I don't want to give percise advice, however I do know this much: Don't bother telling this girl about your girlfriend! Do NOT give her any personal information at all. Don't even tell her about your cat. She should not get ANY peice of personal information at all, unless you are telling the whole class something. (EDIT: Opps. I just realized I might have misread what you wrote and you could have meant that you told your girlfriend about the student, not the other way around. If that is the case, never mind this paragraph.)
If she comes to you privately, treat her so professionally that you are downright cold to her. It might seem a bit unkind, but it's the most rational approach you can take. Your relationship with her IS proffessional. You are not doing her any favors by not teaching her what a proffesional relationship is. If she thinks she can treat men the way she is treating you out in the 'real world' workforce, she will be mocked, hated and possibly fired.
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The Question
my friend gets gross out when she see couples kiss man and women. but when we saw a moive with a scene where two girls kiss one another she didnt say "ewww". she trun and look at me (i saw it in the corner of my eye). we are both bi curious but i know she doesnt like me because we are friends but WTF why did she look at me?
i know friends can go out but she said she see me as a sister...idk
The Answer
Obession, or ‘to be obessed’ is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as "preoccupy continually or to a troubling extent". When the object of obsession is a person, people tend to believe they are in love. However, love and obsession are very different states of being.
Obsession cannot create caring or loving acts. In fact, it creates the exact opposite behavior. A couple who are obsessed with one another do not live happily ever after. They torture one another, dragging each other back into the cycle of confusion and closeness each time one person tries to break free and find healthier relationships. They distrust and are jealous of other connections. They are incapable of speaking with total honesty with one another, or of moving forward togeather into a deeper relationship. They get stuck in the same cycle over and over again, because if they actually moved forward together, the obsession would be impossible to maintain.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you, or your friend, are suffering from an obsession:
How do you and your friend react to other friends, family and acquaintances? Do you/her become jealous and wish to have the other all themselves or do they delight in meeting the all people the other cares for?
Does your, or their, continuous preoccupation with negatively affect your life and other relationships with people?
Lastly: how do I you feel when you are together? Are you strong and relaxed or nervous and watchful and on your toes?
I have read your other questions. If you cannot see that you have developed a very unhealthy obsession with this person, and possibly she with you, then you have lost touch with reality competely.
You are being played, by yourself as well as her. She likes being liked by you, and you haven’t found the strength to end this viciousness. You let her drag you back into thier misery. You drag yourself back it at the drop of a hat.
Your obsession is clouding your judgment. Your obsession is ruining your life, preventing you from connecting with other people, and poisoning your heart to any new connections you might make.
Remember these realities:
She has said she is not interested.
She has spent years telling you it isn’t going to happen.
Each time you started to get some distance from your obsession with her, she tried to give you hope again.
You are miserable because you are choosing misery. Stop asking these questions. Either choose to be miserable with your obsession, or go get some help. Get some counseling and stay away from her.
Please, stop asking random people online to help feed your illness.
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The Question
just because i feel myself imploding at the mere thought of this--
what do you say to a coworker that lets them kindly know that they've overstepped the boundries of badgering you about your religion? i don't mean asking you questions. i mean "the devil is in you and i will drive it out!" at this point the only thing i want to drive in is my spork i used for lunch, twist 90 to the right, and 180 to the left. it's seriously frustrating because if i use to much force to make them back off, i face disciplinary action. (hooray for being at the bottom of the totem pole.)
The Answer
You are way beyond having to say anything 'kindly'.
When a person make disparaging remarks about your spirituality or religion the correct response is to look them straight in the eye and say "I'm not comfortable with this conversation/I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."
Don't be mean or aggressive, simply calm and direct about it. Repeat if nessicary and don't take any bait they offer, don't justify or argue. Just keep saying 'Be that as it may, I don't want to have this conversation.'
There are two other things you should do:
One, behave perfectly. Do not make comments about this persons religion or faith to anyone at all in your workplace. Do not tease or joke about it. This is important when you come to step two…
Two, keep a date log of these inappropriate comments and go to your supervisor or human resources. If they are intelligent, they will quickly see that your co-workers behavior is in violation of your human rights, and that you could sue the company if they don’t stop it.
There should only be a problem of you getting in trouble IF you behave badly towards this person OR if you blow up at this person without informing your supervisor about the difficulties you are having.
If you behave yourself, and keep your company apprised of the problems you are having, they should respond to them seriously. They will probably realize they are putting themselves at serious legal risk if they allow you to persucuted or teased because of your religion.
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The Question
Ok im 17/f .. Im about to be 18 in august and im like really wanting to have a baby..like REALLLY REALLLLY BAD..and im on birth control would it be wrong if I stopped taking my birth control without my boyfriend knowing just to get pregnant?..we want a baby just not now maybe in 5 years he said. But I want one now...
The Answer
No, it would not be okay to deliberately go off your birth control without telling your boyfriend in order to get pregnant.
It would be irresponsible, cruel and plain old evil.
Honestly, where do you get the idea that you have the right to change your boyfriend’s life FOREVER against his will? How can you even imagine treating someone you love with so little respect? It would have less of a lasting effect on his life if you chopped of his left hand for your pleasure. It is that wrong of an idea.
I wont even get into the how irresponsible and irrational it would be for a seven-teen year old to have a child. I wont bother going on at you about how you will be limiting your income potential for the rest of your life, pissing off your family and loosing most of your friends… Other people can explain all that to you.
The simple fact of the matter is that if a woman, at ANY age, lies and betrays her partner because she wants a baby that is evil action. It is cruel, unloving and straight out betrayal. It’s equivalent to assault, theft, fraud and rape.
It is the most wrong kind of thing one person can do to another.
Wanting a baby is one thing. If you want one that bad, you should probably get counseling, because you shouldn’t want ANYTHING so badly that it causes you to hurt, lie and betray the people you claim to love. Only psychopaths and drug addicts behave that way.
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The Question
What do you think about the children who come to this site, at the ages of 12-14 asking sexual questions? Questions that aren't educational, yet nasty, disrespectful, and questions which tell their age? Are you comfortable as adults answering them or would you rather them not be able to ask those type of questions on this site?
The morals of our youth today really concern me. For the most part, it's not 100% about the question, it's about the words they chose to use while asking it. This is why there are so many STD's, AIDS, teen pregnancies today. It saddens me that some of the questions deal with anal sex, oral sex, size of penises, except they use the D word and P word. I had no idea of what some of these things even meant to begin asking when I was 13? What are some of your opinions and feelings on this subject? seriously & are you as older teens, and adults OK with answering those type of questions from these children that think they are grown and have no idea of what it's like to be grown in the real world?
The Answer
‘For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.’ Thomas More, Utopia, Book 1
Although I agree with your perception that youth are more sexualized then before, I can’t agree with many of the other assertions you make.
I don’t like the inaccurate, playground vernacular that young people use here either. However, I don’t think they are using words like skeet, and pussy or all the other slang terms for no good reason. They are using them because no one has told them better. They are using them because their parents, their teachers and the rest of the society has failed utterly in teaching them the correct terms, or accepting serious inquiries about their bodies and sex.
They come here, with bad slang and foolish questions, because they can’t turn anywhere else. Because this world is so twisted that parents and teachers are too frightened to talk to their kids seriously about sex. Without serious discussion and information, of course sex is just a school-yard joke! Of course they don't know what it is like to be grown in the real world! No one is willing to try to explain it to them.
They have been ill-educated. It would irresponsible of us to withhold proper education from them. As Thomas More suggested, it is not just or sensible to punish a person for the ‘crimes’ that we as a society have exposed them too.
I am not only ‘okay’ with answering these questions, I feel obligated too. If a person can phrase a question, it doesn’t matter if they are ‘ready’ for the answer by some personal standard of mine, the point is they asked a serious question, and they are entitled to an honest and serious reply.
I will answer questions about sexual health, morality, and yes, even some practices, because I believe in providing the best information I have when it is asked of me.
I don’t recommend young people have sex. I don’t recommend it because I don’t believe it to be a smart decision or one that will further their happiness and success in life. But just because I don’t recommend it doesn’t mean I will let them live in ignorance about it, or give them lectures about how they shouldn’t even be asking the question in the first place, because any sensible person can figure out that the opinion of some random chick online isn’t going to have a serious effect on their choices in life.
Besides that, I came here to be helpful. Refusing to provide advice based on some notion that a person isn’t entitled to the basic facts about their biology or a proper sexual education is not helpful. It’s arrogant and ineffective.
If I did strongly feel that these young people didn’t deserve responses to their inquires, I then I would simply choose not to answer, as my answer of ‘You Can’t Handle The Truth!’ couldn’t be helpful at all, and might be insulting.
Ignorance is not a cure; it creates the very problem that we wish to solve. Education has been proven, time and again, to be the best tool against all those sexual evils you listed in teenagers.
If they can turn no place but here to get the education the rest of the world denies them, so be it.
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The Question
theres this guy - lets say his name is andrew.
andrew constantly flirts with me, for the past six months.
andrew considers me one of his top 5 girl friends, and he also flirts with the other four.
i told andrew that i like him about 2 months ago - then after a week, i said i had stopped, but our friendship still stayed the same.
then i told andrew recently that i had liked him again - andrew admitted that when i liked him before - he also kinda liked me.
andrew kept flirting with me - among with the other four girls.
but before i tell andrew i like him (the second time) - he talks about his relationship with this other girl - ally.
ally has a boyfriend named john - but she cheated on john with andrew; they held hands, they almost kissed, and they had their arms over their waists.
i told andrew that i liked him - he said sorry for saying those things about ally.
to make a long story short - i hate the fact that i like him, and im trying to get over him. i told him that i was trying to so i said that i wanted to stop talking to him for a while; but he said not to. i wanna get over him; but i cant.
question is; how can i?
p.s - please dont tell me to like; talk to him about it, because i already did.
The Answer
Don't talk to him for a while.
Your gut instinct was bang on. The way to get over a guy who is not for you, but one you can't help liking (and wont stop flirting!) is to spend a month or two away from him.
It's too bad that he doesn't have the sense or sensitivity to see that is the best thing for you to do. It's too bad that he selfishly wishes to keep things just the same as the are, even though the same upsets you and hurts you.
That really is too bad, but his opinion doesn't count.
Tell him you are sorry, but you need to stop talking to him for a while and he just needs to respect that.
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The Question
I'm 16/f and I'm through fighting with my sister. She's 19 and I'm to the point where I'm just done. I can't argue with her because she's "always right". I can't talk to my mom because she's kind of upset that we fight all the time. My dad is getting sick of it to. I could say I'm not the bratty sister til I'm blue in the face but if I'm a brat then she's just awful. It will be the simplest thing and she goes off on this rant about how I'm incompetent to do anything and I will actually agree with her, but she keeps going. It's like talking to someone who uses their age and their one-year college (and driving!) experience, against you to the point where she honestly believes I'm an idiot. My question is How do I stay out of her way until I go to college, because I'm just out of it, she wins, I don't care anymore.
Thanks,
Just DONE
The Answer
Not caring anymore is the right choice.
If she likes to rant at you, here is the trick to stop it. Say this:
"I don't like being spoken to this way, so I'm going to go now. If you have something to tell me I'd love to hear it when we are both calm, or maybe you could write me a note. Bye."
Then leave. Take a walk. Take a shower. Close the door to your bedroom. Ignore any more attempts she makes to communicate with you unless she is calm and respectful about it.
Repeat yourself if necessary. "I'm sorry; I don't like communicating like this, so I'm not going to talk to you right now." You have the right to say that her mode of communication isn’t working for you.
This isn't the childish 'silent treatment', when done properly, without be a bitch about it or insulting her, this is simply you standing up for yourself and setting some standards in your relationship.
If she DOES write you a note, you need to write her back or maybe sit down with her and your mother and try to go over what she has to say seriously. She has the right to have her opinions heard, just like you do.
REMEMBER she is your sister.
You MUST communicate with her.
If you refuse to speak to her all that would be childish and bratty behavior.
This is NOT the silent treatment.
What I'm suggesting you do is change the WAY you communicate. So the moment, the very second, she stops yelling or ranting and starts being even just a bit reasonable, you must respond to her. That is only fair, and it will help teach her how she needs to behave in order to get a response form you.
Don’t be rude, don’t insult and don’t get riled up. Just be honest and direct about the way you wish to be addressed.
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The Question
I'm 14, my cousin is 19.
I fancy my cousin, and he fancies me back. But we live at opposite sides of the world, which is the only thing that is stopping us from having sex.
We have cyber sex with each other almost every day. And I have no idea where this is leading me. I'm visiting them coming December...
If you were in this situation, what would you do?
Please help...!
The Answer
It would be illegal in many places for a fourteen year-old to have a sexual encounter with a nineteen year-old.
It would be a bad idea, for anyone of any age, to sleep with someone who lives on the opposite side of the world just because they were around for a short visit. It would be monumentally stupid for a virgin to do so.
This guy can’t be there for you, or support you after you having sex with him, and sex makes you vulnerable, emotionally and physically vulnerable. You need someone you can take care of, and someone who can take of you. Someone who is around for a little while can’t do that. They can’t provide you with a comfortable teenage sexual experience if they are going to pick up and leave you with all your unfinished feelings and worries.
Don’t sleep with him. It’s a bad idea, and you already know that. If you didn’t already know it was a bad idea, you wouldn’t be asking us.
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The Question
hi so recently i started talking to this boy. hes always pressuring me to give him head but i tell him i want to get to know him better and hang out first. he says that if i give him head it will show i like him and he will consider dating me. i just want to hang out first but he doesn't want to. does it seem like he just wants one thing only?
The Answer
Yes.
He is trying to bribe you with some weak promise of a relationship if you sexually please him.
He doesn't care about your opinion, your feelings or your friendship.
If he doesn't want to 'hang out' unless there is oral sex involved then there is no other rational explination but that he is interested only in sex and doesn't care much which girl he gets it from.
Stop talking to him. He sounds scummy.
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The Question
My boyfriend and i always see his ex at this one movie theatre.
She always goes up to him, looks directly at me, and hugs him. She talks to him and purposely leaves me out, glaring at me when she can. I dont know her that well, her name is Caitlin and she hates my guts because she still likes him, and im going out with him. He tries to get away from her, so i know its not his fault, when i see her next time, what do i do?!
Im always just standing there helpless.
I want to do something, but i dont wanna embarrass myself.
ugh!
The Answer
Engage her in conversation.
'Hi Catlin, how is your summer going?'
'Hi Catlin, how's your day been?'
'I really like Catlin's jacket! Don't you?'
Don't be vicious or catty. That will only make you look like a bitch and feed into her nastiness.
Be friendly, but not fake. Imagine she is a girl you are meeting for the first time and you'd like to be friends. Be so friendly it hurts. Don't just sit there like a bump on a log, dominate the conversation, make girl talk, engage her in conversation and include your boyfriend from time to time.
This will do a few things: It will make it harder for her to glare at you. It will make it harder for her to hate you, but most importantly if you and your boyfriend are talking to her (rather then her just talking to him) then you are presenting a united front to her.
You are also letting her know she doesn’t have any power over either of you.
Let your boyfriend know your plan. Next time you run into her his job is not to get away from her, his job is to talk to both you AND her and your job is to talk to her.
It won’t work unless you can truly be friendly, not fake, but friendly. The way you would be if you just met someone new. It is awfully hard to embaress yourself when you are only trying to be nice. Give it a try, and watch it throw her for a loop and after a few times, she probably wont approach you as often.
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The Question
Hey guys
I live with my boyfriend for a year now. We both work, but my job starts at 9am and he doesnt start til midday. So as a result he goes to bed much later than me (2am - 3am) and sleeps in every day til about 11.00. I didnt really mind this to begin with but lately i feel a lack of intimacy as a result of our different bed times.
As he wakes up late, he isnt tired to go to bed with me at 11.30pm, and so I asked him to wake up earlier so he is tired but it never lasts.
He says he has the right to go to bed and wake up when he wants, but as it is affecting our relationship, is it wrong for me to ask him to change his lifestyle to one more in line with mine? I am normally prepared to compromise but as my work time is not changeable i cant go to bed any later than I already do.
Who is right in this situation?
Please help!!
Thanks!
The Answer
Neither of you.
There is no 'right' when you are asking a person to change a lifestyle for you. Changes in patterns are always relative, so what seems very simple and easy to you might not be simple or pleasant for him. Demanding he change his clock isn't going to magically solve your problem, especially not if he is going to resent you for it.
First off, clearly communicate your problem! Your problem is NOT that your sleep schedules are different. Your problem is that you feel that there is some intimacy missing in your relationship and it upsets you. Then ask him what he thinks about the intimacy in the relationship. Is there anything he feels in lacking or missing? Is there anything he thinks might help solve the problem?
He probably won’t have quick answers for you, but at least then you have been clear about the problem and inviting him to help address it with you, rather then demanding he change to fix it for you.
After you do that, think about changes you can make. True, you can’t change your work schedule, but would it really kill you to drink a cup of coffee and stay up with him one night a week? Would making a pleasant breakfast in the morning lure him out of bed and into cheerful conversation? What are some other ways you can achieve the intimacy you crave? Is watching a movie and napping together before you go to bed a nice way to achieve snuggle-time?
It is always the responsibility of the person who is most uncomfortable in the situation to start making the changes. In this case, that means you. Only after you clearly communicate your worries AND tried to do something about it yourself are you in the position to start expecting him to put some effort forth as well. If he doesn’t, then your decision is not whether or not you keep nagging him, it is whether or not you can live with him.
It’s nice fantasy that people will just change because they love us and we ask them too, but that isn’t the way the universe works. Do your part by making the change as easy and enjoyable for the person as you can and start the ball rolling yourself.
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The Question
im engaged to a woman who just doesnt like my 9 year old son. she has told me she doesnt like him and shows very little affection towards him. what should i do?
The Answer
Not marry her.
Or at very least, seek pre-martial counseling where you can talk about your roles in the marriage, your expectation AND your parenting togeather.
Like it or not, she is going to have a huge influence on your son's life if you two get married and move in togeather. That influence should NOT be of a women who 'doesn't like' him, but of a mature and loving adult who has room in her heart for you AND your son. If she isn't that kind of woman, you are making a mistake in marrying her.
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The Question
Raised in a catholic family, attending catholic school, i rebelled against christianity. I feel I had no religion until I was about 19 and realized I believed in the Great Earth Mother, who gave birth to the world and everything in it. I have prayed to this goddess for years until recently confused. I have always known deep down that something very significant would happen in my lifetime. I have learned a lot recently about the "end times" and the rapture. Which brings me back to the bible and am now thinking that God and Jesus is real. I know the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. I know we have seven years of tribulation before the apocalypse. I know war and famine and earthly destruction is beginning as i write this. i researched bible codes and feel there is a lot of truth in that. what i do not understand is the significance of men in the bible and religion. in the story of adam and eve, women are basically cut down. the messiah, jesus was a man. god is portrayed as a man. Yet women are life giving and wise. (not saying men are not wise). it would only seem to me that the mother of earth is in fact female in a way. if there is so much truth in the bible, then why are women insignificant as compared to Jesus and the prophets? if i do not believe in jesus deep down in my heart am i destined for hell although i am a good person? God chose women to give birth and and i think all that is today came from a female figure, because only women give life. if the rapture is real, i do not wish to be left behind because i don't believe in my heart that Jesus is our savior. I love life, i love people, i stay away from evil. i also do not think gay people or unmarried parents are wrong like it says in the bible. it pains me to think life ends with death. Even if my question is not precise, any insight will do , since i cannot fully give you the gist of my confusion. thank you
The Answer
Quick Correction: The Mayan calendar doesn't end in 2012. That is a misinterpretation of archeological evidence. It simply enters a new epoch. Similar to entering a new zodiac age, like the Age of Aquarius or entering a new millennium. If I remember correctly the epochs are based on the movement of Venus... regardless, the Mayans predicted large changes around a new epoch, but not the end of the world.
Other cultures also came up with interesting names for the period around 2012, they were all watching the same sky after all, so that isn,t surprising.
For some more interesting, and even biblically based examinations of end of the world theories (including the ones that didn't come true) check out this site: http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrld.htm#past
You might be particularly interested in the discussion about the rapture, why it is believed in, and what sort of rational and biblical support that belief has.
Despite every prediction made so far, and there have been thousands of them, the world still exists. Frankly, I think we are more likely to blow ourselves to pieces, or be drowned and scorched away by global warning then we are to be struck down at some pre-ordained time by a deity that seems otherwise disinclined to produce huge shows of their power.
If the rapture, or some other apocalyptic event, is going to happen in our lifetime, there is nothing you or I can do about it. Since it is completely out of my power to control or be aware of, and there is no compelling evidence in my opinion to believe in one end of the world theory over another when looking at the dozens of prominent ones out there, I am just going to continue to educate myself and my conscience and behave as well as I can with an eye to bettering the world that we are all living in, rather then earning some special place in some other one. My advice to you would be to do the same.
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The Question
I'm overdue..whats some natural ways to induce labor?
I've heard about nipple stimulation - tried it, didn't work..or I'm not doing it right..I am at the point now where I am miserable and sick of being pregnant..I want my baby out so I can return to normal and complete my family.
Please tell me how I do what you suggest because obviously my own blunders didn't work to well.
Thanks so much.
The Answer
Do NOT use castor oil.
It's dangerous, has miserable side-effects for you, and in the worst-case senario, can prove fatal for your infant.
You probably know you shouldn't be trying to induce. I sympathize with you, I really do. I'd want the damn thing out of me too! But induction should happen with your doctor present, in the controlled and informed enviroment of the hospital. Keep in touch with your doctor, get a second opinion if you want, and they will induce when it becomes nessicary.
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