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bed at same time as boyfriend?
Hey guys
I live with my boyfriend for a year now. We both work, but my job starts at 9am and he doesnt start til midday. So as a result he goes to bed much later than me (2am - 3am) and sleeps in every day til about 11.00. I didnt really mind this to begin with but lately i feel a lack of intimacy as a result of our different bed times.
As he wakes up late, he isnt tired to go to bed with me at 11.30pm, and so I asked him to wake up earlier so he is tired but it never lasts.
He says he has the right to go to bed and wake up when he wants, but as it is affecting our relationship, is it wrong for me to ask him to change his lifestyle to one more in line with mine? I am normally prepared to compromise but as my work time is not changeable i cant go to bed any later than I already do.
Who is right in this situation?
Please help!!
Thanks!
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Neither of you.
There is no 'right' when you are asking a person to change a lifestyle for you. Changes in patterns are always relative, so what seems very simple and easy to you might not be simple or pleasant for him. Demanding he change his clock isn't going to magically solve your problem, especially not if he is going to resent you for it.
First off, clearly communicate your problem! Your problem is NOT that your sleep schedules are different. Your problem is that you feel that there is some intimacy missing in your relationship and it upsets you. Then ask him what he thinks about the intimacy in the relationship. Is there anything he feels in lacking or missing? Is there anything he thinks might help solve the problem?
He probably won’t have quick answers for you, but at least then you have been clear about the problem and inviting him to help address it with you, rather then demanding he change to fix it for you.
After you do that, think about changes you can make. True, you can’t change your work schedule, but would it really kill you to drink a cup of coffee and stay up with him one night a week? Would making a pleasant breakfast in the morning lure him out of bed and into cheerful conversation? What are some other ways you can achieve the intimacy you crave? Is watching a movie and napping together before you go to bed a nice way to achieve snuggle-time?
It is always the responsibility of the person who is most uncomfortable in the situation to start making the changes. In this case, that means you. Only after you clearly communicate your worries AND tried to do something about it yourself are you in the position to start expecting him to put some effort forth as well. If he doesn’t, then your decision is not whether or not you keep nagging him, it is whether or not you can live with him.
It’s nice fantasy that people will just change because they love us and we ask them too, but that isn’t the way the universe works. Do your part by making the change as easy and enjoyable for the person as you can and start the ball rolling yourself.
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