NinjaNeer's advice column

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Q: Is masterbating and having an orgasm what sex feels like?

Not at all the same, but not for the reasons you might think. Just so you know, I'm speaking from a female perspective here.

Masturbating is pretty utilitarian. You're doing it to get something out of it. You want an orgasm, you do what you need to have one.

If you have sex with someone you don't know very well, it's not going to be the best. It'll be pretty darn disappointing. Chances are you won't orgasm from just sex with that person. You'll be incredibly self-conscious and worrying about what you look like, what he thinks of you and whether you're doing everything right or not. They don't know your body the way you do, and the only reason they really care about giving you any pleasure is so that you think they're good in bed. Not the best motivation. It ends up being awkward and unfulfilling and comes with a ton of baggage that nobody really needs.

That said, sex with someone you know well and who cares about you a lot is pretty phenomenal: better than masturbation by a long shot. Where masturbation is all about the finish line, sex is about the journey. It doesn't even matter if you never get to the end because you're having a great time along the way. The other person wants to make you feel good for your sake, not theirs. You can let loose and have fun, and laugh at the funny faces and noises that you make without feeling embarrassed. You don't have to worry about hiding that wobbly bit in your tummy because he knows about it and loves it just as much as any part of your body. You can't get that experience with a one night stand, or too early in a relationship.

Bottom line? Sex is overrated unless you're having it with the right person. Masturbation tops sex until you're with someone you care about and with whom you can really be yourself.

One note: if you're not ready to deal with everything that comes with sex, masturbation is always the best choice. It's a great way to hold off until you're 100% sure.

Q: what is a good anal lube? i was thinking astroglide? i think like the watery lubes are better then and more slick then the jelly ones?
also for anal sex does it give a good feeling like vaginal sex does for the girl? also if the guy cums in her during anal sex, does it feel good for her or no?
thanks in advance =]

You definitely want to use the thickest lube that you can find. Watery lubricants are fine for vaginal sex because the vagina is self-lubricating, for the most part, once you get going. The anus doesn't lubricate itself, so you need something with staying power. Your best bet is to go to an adult shop (if you're of age) and look for the lubricants that are specifically made for anal sex.

As for feeling good... you're going to need to be very careful. If she's never had anal sex before, you need to be prepared for the possibility that she won't like it. You have to go very slowly and maintain constant communication. This is a case where you do exactly what she wants at her pace. It can be extremely harmful if you go too fast or too hard, or if there isn't enough lubricant.

One more note: even though the risk of pregnancy is extremely low, the risk of STI transmission is much higher due to tearing that happens in the rectum. Make sure that both of you are tested ahead of time, and that you use protection.

Q: What are the best websites and methods to finding a job? I don't have any skills and I only obtained a high school diploma.

Workopolis is pretty fantastic. The jobs posted are all reputable (unlike Craigslist) and you can post your resume.

Many companies won't advertise externally for jobs. For large companies, you can usually find an application form on their website. For smaller companies, drop by the location and ask to leave a resume.

If nobody's biting because you don't have past experience, it's time to get some! If you're not working now, it's a perfect time to do some volunteer work. Volunteering isn't all soup kitchens and litter pickup. You can get great office experience with a lot of charities or non profits, and your volunteer work will net you some fantastic references.

Many communities have job search assistance available. They can help you refine your resume, practice some interview skills and help point you in the right direction. If you're not sure where to look for this, try calling your local YMCA. They often have involvement in this sort of program.

Q: My bf's birthday is coming up and I want to get him a scent that will just make me want cuddle up next to him or jump his bones lol like the sort of scent worthy of spraying on my pillow or on tshirts that I wear around the house to remind me of him. He's in his early 30s and I have no idea what kind of scents I like on guys so any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Everyone likes different smells. Case in point: I went cologne shopping with a friend of mine once, each for our respective boyfriends. Whatever she liked, I thought smelled like a rancid retirement home. Whatever I liked, she thought smelled like bar soap. She's into florals on men, I like a clean, woodsy smell.

Hit up the store of your choice, and bring a little baggie of coffee grounds or beans with you. It will sound weird, but your nose gets fatigued after a few sniffs and you start having trouble telling between scents. Smell the coffee in between, and it helps to reset your nose. Find one or two that you like, spray on your wrists and go for a wander. You want to make sure that it smells good after it's been on the skin for a while. A lot of scents change when they've sat for a while or once they've been warmed up.

For the record, I ended up getting Hugo Boss Selection for my guy. The only problem is that I can't get him to wear it, because he's too worried that it will run out!

http://www.hugoboss.com/de/en/boss_selection_men_fragrances.php

Q: y do people try to stop people when they want to die? its probably for a good reason that they do not want to live anymore

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you why I try to stop people.

About 6 years ago, I came to this site looking for an easy, painless way to kill myself. I had next to no relationship with my family, I was plummeting into a length battle with mental illness, and I was failing out of university. I asked a question without signing up so nobody would know who I was, and because I didn't plan on ever coming back.

I received an outpouring of answers sharing peoples' experiences, telling me things would get better, telling me that someone out there cared if I died, telling me that THEY cared if I died.

So I didn't try that time. I joined Advicenators, kept asking questions and started trying to make a difference in other peoples' lives. It's not like my life was magically solved, but I held on for just a while longer. There were a few suicide attempts and plans after that, but each time someone was able to catch me and stop me. Now, 6 years after that first question I'm happily married, living in a house that we purchased, curled up on the couch with our awesome dog. My life isn't perfect, but I'm learning more every day about how to cope with or change the things I'm not happy about. My relationship with most of my family is back on track and my bipolar disorder is pretty well regulated.

If I hadn't asked that question on Advicenators, I don't know if I'd have made it here. If the people who answered my question told me to go ahead, or even worse, stayed silent... I would be gone. I owe Advicenators my life. That is why I try my best to answer every suicide question. When I do answer, I share my story and tell them that they can make things better, that you shouldn't end your life based on one, or even 100 bad moments, because there are so many amazing moments waiting for you in the future.

I had good reasons to want to kill myself. I'm sure everyone who considers suicide does. I just like to point out the reasons why everyone should stay alive, and they're even better.

Q: okay.So i ahvent started my period nor do I have any boob I mean not even a AA cup I have little tiny buds those buds started in the seventh grade and they never finished and now iam in the 10th grade this really sucks because all my friends have boobs
so any way I am under 5ft and i am about 80 to 9 pounds and I am very small . So about my period I have had mood swings and discharges that come before I pee and it turns very crusty it do-sent stink doe.
is something wrong with me?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you don't have your period by age 15, you might want to go to a doctor to get checked out. Or if you're panicking now, you could always go now. Women start at all different times. Smaller women tend to start later than larger women.

As for small breasts: some women don't really grow that much. It's all a function of genetics and body fat. If your mother is flat-chested, chances are that you will be too. If she isn't, then you have some growing to do.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a friend who was totally flat-chested until she hit 15. She literally grew two cup sizes overnight. It was insane. I didn't even know that was possible, but it happened.

Q: I have a boyfriend for a year now and i can things are going great in general. We are officemates but we seldom see each other in the office (since we have to go to different clients). Our jobs are demanding most of the time, we can be sent to different places or we get to work really late. This brought up the hard part of our relationship. Everything in my job sucks right now (politic in the office) and there were times i just cant stop crying. During those time i just want to see him and hug him to make me feel a little better, but i cant. He's busy too with his work. He never fails to say 'love, things will be fine. just be strong.' but that's not enough for me. I want to see him so bad. We missed special occasions in the past because of our work and in every single event i cant help but feel sad and disappointed. I am planning to leave my job soon since i am not happy anymore but he's planning to stay for another year. The thought that i had to bear getting little of his time and attention for another year is just pathetic :(

I am an authority on making it through hard times. My husband and I are just reaching our first good times in the 5 years we've been together. 5 years of debt, financial struggle, living on one part-time salary, hoping to make it to the next month and spending 4 months out of every year apart. I haven't even spent his birthday with him yet. Right now he's working a part time job and a full time job, while I'm only able to work part time, so I spend a lot of time alone.

It's hard. It's really hard. In this financial atmosphere, though, your boyfriend has the right idea. He has to wait until he has another job lined up to be able to leave this one. Really, you should be doing the same, but if you can't because of the strain on your mental health, you can't.

The best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to take the pressure off of him. Your boyfriend is probably insanely stressed out right now if the job is as crappy as you say it is. The last thing he needs is to feel like he's not being a good boyfriend. So ease up on him and try to make the time you do have together as happy as possible. Be accommodating, try to be there when he is and take on whatever you can at home.

Something you can do for yourself is to find your own strength. Keep your networks open. Start a new hobby, or three. Keep yourself occupied so that you're not spending all your time waiting for him to come home. When we fall into the waiting trap, that's when we start nagging and shouting because we feel slighted when they have to work late or go out of town. Find something you love to do and do it with all your heart. Volunteering, or starting your own business, or knitting for charity, or giving advice on Advicenators ;). Anything to keep your mind off of waiting.

It's not how we handle the good years that determines the success of our relationships. If that were the case, everyone would be happy in their relationships. It's how we handle the bad times that counts the most. If you can make it through the lean years with your love for each other still intact, you'll last the distance.

Q: For school I am doing a project on Confucianism. Me and a group of people have to come up with a skit/activity thing on Confucianism, daoism, and buddhism. We invite like, 5 elementary schools to come and we go in the parking lot and if a kid comes up to us we perform. It's kind of a big deal at our school ( we are the only school who does so we are pretty proud) so I really want to do something good( also it's worth a lot of my grade) so I just need some ideas for a skit or a game or like some kind of food that has to do with any of those topics. Please I really need help!

Have you heard about the painting The Vinegar Tasters?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vinegar_tasters

It's a painting that encompasses all of the religions you're looking to present. You may be able to work it into a skit.

Here's a great explanation of the meaning of the painting from one of my favourite books: The Tao of Pooh.

http://www.taoism.net/sanctuary/books/vintaste.htm

Q: Why don't people realize this? Hear me out, to get the full scope of what I'm talking about. I can tell if you responded without actually reading what I wrote. I'm genuinely interested in your response, whether it's positive or negative. I thought for some time about this.

Because it's essentially saying that even if someone was the perfect guy for you; you shared common interests, he treated you very well, you found him very attractive, etc. he wouldn't even be an option, because of his race. There's nothing racist if someone happens to only date within their race because out of the people they've met, the ones they connect the best with are within their race. But to say that you only want to date within your race is racist, even if you have friends outside of your race, because it implies that even if you happened to connect with someone very well, you wouldn't think they're good enough for marriage, for a very shallow reason. And just because you haven't met someone outside of your race that you could really connect with doesn't mean that it could never happen.

It's racist to want to stay within your race to "make sure your kids look almost exactly like you" as it is to want to date outside of your race, to "make sure your kids look different from you". they're both just as racist, and superficial. People like this shouldn't even have kids, to pass on such stupid beliefs. If you love your daughter's blonde hair and blue eyes more than you love her personality, or the fact that she's your daughter and shares half your DNA, you have issues.

The whole "preserving bloodlines" thing is complete bull, too. There's no such thing as a "pure" race, as it's been scientifically proven that race doesn't even exist at all; it's just a social concept. It's a faulty social concept, because when you trace people's DNA, it spreads across various continents. And if people truly believed in the "one drop rule" then everyone in the world would be considered black, as humans are originally from Africa. we have different skin colors because of the different amounts of melanin in our skin; a very insignificant part of our DNA as a whole. racism was just created to give white males more power; that's it. for example, it was easy to justify enslaving blacks when you saw them as less than human, as someone of another "race". By the way, by saying this, I'm not saying that I have a grudge on all whites, or whatever. Nor am I saying that all whites were like that back then. I'm just saying historical truths.

It really boggles my mind why race is still an issue in society, especially American society. I understand why someone might be wary to date someone out of their culture, but race and culture are not always synonymous. Also, it's hypocritical for someone to use that to try and justify not dating outside of their race, and yet they may date a white person from Sweden, even though they are from Brazil, or they may date a black person from the Caribbean, even though they are from Australia. You may have grew up together in school with someone of a different race, but you're more likely have more in common with someone from another continent, because you're the same skin color! Am I the only one who sees how silly this is?

It's sad that interracial couples are often treated with disdain, in our society. They're no different from same-race couples, to be honest (granted they became a couple for non-superficial reasons). It just doesn't make any logical sense to me. people shouldn't feel ashamed or w/e, because they're doing nothing wrong

personally, I'm a black girl, but I've been attracted to various guys, of various ethnic backgrounds. I have no preference of the type of guy I marry, as long as he's good looking, we have similar interests and lifestyles, and we connect very well. isn't that how it's supposed to be?Because it's essentially saying that even if someone was the perfect guy for you; you shared common interests, he treated you very well, you found him very attractive, etc. he wouldn't even be an option, because of his race. There's nothing racist if someone happens to only date within their race because out of the people they've met, the ones they connect the best with are within their race. But to say that you only want to date within your race is racist, even if you have friends outside of your race, because it implies that even if you happened to connect with someone very well, you wouldn't think they're good enough for marriage, for a very shallow reason. And just because you haven't met someone outside of your race that you could really connect with doesn't mean that it could never happen.

It's racist to want to stay within your race to "make sure your kids look almost exactly like you" as it is to want to date outside of your race, to "make sure your kids look different from you". they're both just as racist, and superficial. People like this shouldn't even have kids, to pass on such stupid beliefs. If you love your daughter's blonde hair and blue eyes more than you love her personality, or the fact that she's your daughter and shares half your DNA, you have issues.

The whole "preserving bloodlines" thing is complete bull, too. There's no such thing as a "pure" race, as it's been scientifically proven that race doesn't even exist at all; it's just a social concept. It's a faulty social concept, because when you trace people's DNA, it spreads across various continents. And if people truly believed in the "one drop rule" then everyone in the world would be considered black, as humans are originally from Africa. we have different skin colors because of the different amounts of melanin in our skin; a very insignificant part of our DNA as a whole. racism was just created to give white males more power; that's it. for example, it was easy to justify enslaving blacks when you saw them as less than human, as someone of another "race". By the way, by saying this, I'm not saying that I have a grudge on all whites, or whatever. Nor am I saying that all whites were like that back then. I'm just saying historical truths.

It really boggles my mind why race is still an issue in society, especially American society. I understand why someone might be wary to date someone out of their culture, but race and culture are not always synonymous. Also, it's hypocritical for someone to use that to try and justify not dating outside of their race, and yet they may date a white person from Sweden, even though they are from Brazil, or they may date a black person from the Caribbean, even though they are from Australia. You may have grew up together in school with someone of a different race, but you're more likely have more in common with someone from another continent, because you're the same skin color! Am I the only one who sees how silly this is?

It's sad that interracial couples are often treated with disdain, in our society. They're no different from same-race couples, to be honest (granted they became a couple for non-superficial reasons). It just doesn't make any logical sense to me. people shouldn't feel ashamed or w/e, because they're doing nothing wrong

personally, I'm a black girl, but I've been attracted to various guys, of various ethnic backgrounds. I have no preference of the type of guy I marry, as long as he's good looking, we have similar interests and lifestyles, and we connect very well. isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I wouldn't say it's racist so much as it's incredibly limiting. Now, if you're refusing to date a particular race because you're assuming bad things about them, that's racist. Otherwise it's just being shallow and picky.

I have a good friend who doesn't date any guys who aren't blonde-haired, blue-eyed hockey players over 6 ft tall. True story. I also have a good friend with red hair and an Irish background who will only date Asian women. Neither of these people is racist. They're just limited based on what they find visually appealing and are too shallow to look beyond appearances to find what they're really after. It's no different to turn down someone because of their skin colour than it is to turn them down because they're too fat, too short, or because they have curly hair and you only like straight hair.

That's not saying that race isn't still an issue. It's a huge issue in some places, especially in the States. I feel that in the area I live in (a large city in Canada), it's really not as big a deal since we're an incredibly multicultural community. I don't understand treating people differently because of their financial status, their skin colour or their sexual orientation. It makes no sense to me. I've dated people of just about every skin colour, and haven't given it much thought. They're people, not crayons.

If you're being turned down by narrow-minded creeps, just think of it as being a loser filter. If someone can't look past your skin colour, even if it doesn't adhere to their preferences, and want you for the fantastic person you are, they're losing out and they're not worth your time.

Q: Okay so I am married My husband got my couches for mothers day several years ago of course threw a finance company. We borrowed 1700 and owed back over 3000 yeah I know crazy. October of 2010 my husband and I split up and he traded my couches for a coon hound. yes another stupid mistake. They have the title to my van the van broke down. not worth fixing to many problems to much money in order to get another car we had to junk the van to pay for a new car. Well August of this passed year. We quit making payments because my son was diagnosed with Adhd, Separation anxiety, and Aspergers. He requires schedules, lists lots of doctor appointments and counseling. My husband started working we barley pay the bills now. I have to stay at home with children due to daycare is to high. I made contact twsice with the fiance company the first bill because they didnt tell me id be paying over 3000 back and second when I couldnt afford to pay them any more both times i was told if you dont make your monthly payment we will be contacting the police thank you. Finally Igave up told my husband when I get my income tax we would just pay it off. well now we have a court date March 13. We are supose to get our income tax back this week. I looked on where is my refund. the amount of almost 2 thousand as been taken out off my taxes that is almost the amount I owed. a little more than I owed. QUESTION how can they take me to court to pay the money if they are taking it out of my taxes?? I dont understand why I have to go to court if i paid them threw my taxes.

They're still taking you to court because they need either the full amount or regular monthly payments in order to back off. In the past, you haven't been able to sustain a monthly payment plan, so they're getting legal involvement to make sure that you do.

As for why you're having to pay back so much... here's how it works.

Let's say you're borrowing $1000. A financing company gives you one year with no payments, no interest. That year comes up and you don't pay the $1000 off entirely. Then the company will charge you back interest for that year, often at a really high rate. So all of a sudden, a loan of $1000 becomes a loan of $1200 or even $1500. This is why it's really important to read the fine print and to know that you'll be able to pay off the loan when it comes due.

Your best bet is to go to court, explain your situation and have ahead of time an amount that you can swing for payments. At one point I was dealing with a credit company while my husband and I were living on one part time income. I owed $700, but we were going into debt just keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads. I was able to talk to them and get them to settle for a lower amount and low monthly payments that I made religiously. These companies can be flexible if accepting a lower payment means that they will get their money. They may just require the backing of a court order so they know you'll make those payments.

Q: everyday at school EVERYTHING sounds wrong! now that i know more about sex and all that scary gross stuff everyone and even me sees everything wrong! thanks to pervs everywhere i can no longer eat a banana, suck a lollipop, in volleyball say grab a ball! and so much more. people are just perverts these days !

It happens, but thankfully it doesn't last forever. I remember in one grade, you couldn't say the word "it" without people giggling. Seriously.

Give it a year or so and everyone will calm down a little. It's just everyone's way of dealing with coming into information that they're not quite ready for.

Q: 19/f, my boyfriend is 18/m. We've been together for a year and three months. We've been living together for 6 months.

Tonight he asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes. I know in my heart it feels right, and what not.

We also planned to not get married in exactly a year. We wanna wait a little bit for a wedding to make sure we have enough money to afford a wedding along with our basic needs of life, because things aren't cheap.

I was wondering if this is normal to not get married after a year of engagment?

And I want your opinions as if we got engaged too soon??

I talked to my mom, and she wasn't upset. She said she saw nothing wrong with it as long as I'm not rushing into legal marriage when I'm not finiacially ready, and I assured her I wasn't.

Opinions, please?

I was 19 when my now-husband proposed, he was 20. We had been dating for 11 months, living together for about 6 months. We got married this fall, with me at 24 and him at 25, so we had a pretty darn long engagement.

Some people believe different things. I have a set of friends who have been planning their wedding for months, but they're not engaged yet because they want the engagement to be as short as possible. That's the more traditional route, I suppose, but it's entirely up to what works for you.

In my opinion, an early engagement means an early commitment. A long engagement means that you're taking the time to make sure that this is what you want because you take that final step very seriously. What isn't logical is an early, short engagement. That's when I'd be voicing concerns.

As for putting off the engagement because of your father's disapproval... I'm going to pass on a bit of advice from my personal experience.

Once you're living on your own and footing your own bills, your parents lose most of their say in your life. They can't tell you what to do. They can't stop you from doing anything. They can offer advice, which you can take or leave as you please. So don't go living in fear of causing parental disapproval, because if they disapprove of your choices, that's their problem. You make the decisions and you live with the consequences. Some of the best decisions I've ever made have been with the approbation of my parents. If my husband and I had listened to our parents, we wouldn't have our dog, we wouldn't have our house and we wouldn't be together. He would still be living at home with his mom.

So do your dad a favour. Ask him what exactly his concerns are about you getting engaged early. Come to the table with your reasons for doing what you're doing. Thank your father for his advice. Then go and do what you want, because you are the only person who will live your life and therefore are the only person who can make decisions as to what you do with it.

Q: .. attractive?

I feel like I don't want to be involved with him because I don't find him to be physically attractive, but at the same time I really like his personality, and I think through that I've become pretty sexually attracted. ugh what a mess

teenage hormones suck. but i can't help from fantasizing about him, even though i think i'd be embarrassed to be seen with him in that way, apart from as a friend. i guess it kind of makes me shallow, but I'd just want to be romantically involved with a guy I could feel is hot, and who I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen in public with, since I'm physically attractive myself (i'm not trying to be cocky, just being honest). i mean the guy isn't THAT ugly, or even obese, i think he could actually look a lot better if he just took care of himself better, wore better clothes, and perhaps got a gym membership or something.

see, im picky like this and this is how im perpetually single. but i dont want to be desperate and go for a guy i'm not fully into, you know

My husband always jokes that he fell in love with me because of my sexy, sexy brain. It's probably true, too. He's a good looking guy, has always dated extremely attractive women, and I'm pretty average to below average in the looks department. Count me lucky :D

When you get into a long-term relationship, you can't do it based on looks. You know why? Those looks will fade with time, and you're left with whatever brains and personality that person possesses. So that hottie jerk ends up being... a jerk. For this reason a good personality is sexy. If someone's so-so looks are outweighed by their stellar personality, you will view them as being more attractive.

Looks can always change. If this guy is a teenager, he's in his awkward phase. My husband wore a Wrestlemania t-shirt and acid wash dad jeans to meet my parents a few years back. Now he's more stylish than I am. Don't give up on this guy because he's a little pudgy and funny-looking. Chances are he'll grow into himself as he gets older.

Give this guy a shot. It sounds like you two know each other pretty well. You're never going to find that perfect guy right off the shelf, but this guy is perfect in all the important ways. The rest will either become unimportant as you learn to love who he is, or it's easily changeable as he gains a desire to make himself your physical match.

Q: hi guys, why does a boyfriend wants you to cum at the same time as he is during sex? we've been dating for a 3 and a half years now and lived together for a couple of months. everything is going great. he's 48 and i'm 34. during sex he ejaculates quick and me, it takes a few minutes. but he just really wants and asks me to cum at the same time whenever we have sex. so why is it? thank you all.

It's because it feels really good. When a woman orgasms, the muscles in the walls of the vagina contract rhythmically. When the man is orgasming at the same time, it provides extra stimulation at a time when he's already super sensitive.

If he's quick on the draw and you take more time to warm up, he's got to practice holding off on his orgasm. You may need to switch positions mid-way to accomplish this, or you may need to get your hands involved to speed yourself up.

Q: Hello all, I am getting a tattoo soon.
it is going to say "You've got to hang on to yourself"
I was wondering if 'on to' is one word or two, I don't want to have a grammatical error on my arm for the rest of my life!

I'm going to complicate things by disagreeing with the other poster.

The word "onto" means to position something upon something else. You get onto a horse, or you move the box onto the table.

Since you're using on as part of the verb, not as part of a preposition, I think it makes more sense to split on and to. You're (hanging on) to, not hanging (onto).

Props to you for checking this out! So many people get tattoos without double and triple-checking the spelling, grammar and location.

Q: 24/f
I'm just curious as to what you guys suggest - I've gotten into kind of a pickle.

My friend is getting married in August, and has asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I'm thrilled, of course, and beyond excited for her, but as my subject suggests, I'm... very broke. I hardly have an income right now, and I'm on my own. I'm working my butt off to finish school (I graduate in May), but I haven't found a new job yet. My parents help me financially when it's necessary, but any extra expense aside from my bills comes out of THEIR pockets.
My friend has asked her bridesmaids to pay for our own dresses, and while they are (just) under $50, that's two weeks of groceries for me...
There's nowhere for me to cut corners, and I'm a bit reluctant to ask my parents for more help. I don't know if I should talk to my friend about the extent of my situation, or...

What do you guys suggest?

If your friend has asked you to be her MOH, it means you're a special person in her life. There may be a way that she can split the cost with you. When I got married, my sister was my bridesmaid. We paid for her dress, since she's in university and living on loans.

You should probably also talk to your friend about expectations regarding hair, makeup and shoes. You don't want to sink money into the dress only to find that she wants you to wear matching shoes, pay for an updo and get a manicure. Chances are it will mean more to her to have you there than to have the 'picture-perfect' wedding, but you want to make sure that her expectations aren't going to put you in the poorhouse. The bachelorette party can also be a big money sink, depending on what she wants. If she's happy with a small party or a girls' camping trip, that will be a lot more in line with what you can offer than a lavish weekend in Vegas.

Q: Im always memorizing things in my brain il go thru day and have to remember tiny things.i cant miss anything out ilook up words or phrases icant remember need toremember IT HURTING MY BRAIN ive been like this the last week i need to tel a story my wayin my languge so it ALL out like i noticed lately the front of my brain where my forehead is is bulging dwn near my nose.it hurts im exhausted iwant to collapse in bed im so sad.ifeel lile icnt trustmy friends anymore idnt talk to anyone.im roling idnt want tofeelthis shit im exausted.imy thoughts are mudled from rearanging them al the time..too be perfect?im not diagnosed anything but depression,social anxiety.hel.im on lithium and prozac.ifeel so lonely.26/F

I'm not a psychiatric professional, but I have so many psychological disorders that I may as well be one!

To me, what you're saying just screams OCD. OCD isn't all about washing your hands or touching things a certain number of times. Sometimes, you're like me and can't do something unless you do it perfectly, or can't focus unless your surroundings are organized.

You're already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. OCD is just another one. Things cause you anxiety that shouldn't, like not being able to remember something meaningless.

The good news is that you're already on the medication that most doctors would prescribe for OCD. The biggest part of treating OCD, though, is therapy, just like with any anxiety disorder. You've got to learn some skills for coping with stress and hopefully reducing it. If you're already seeing someone for your depression and anxiety, that's great! Let them know about the symptoms you're experiencing and they'll likely come to the same conclusion I have.

The isolation is likely a symptom of your depression. If you've only started on your meds recently, they take a while to start working. Sometimes up to a few months. If you've been on them for a long time, it may be time for a readjustment.

Q: Is it possible to sustain mucosal membrane injury to the labia when inserting a tampon if you are not menstruating?

Heck yes, it is. Well, not so much the labia as the inside of the vagina.

The worst part isn't the insertion. You've got the assistance of the applicator there. It's once the tampon has been inside of you and absorbed any fluids that are present. Then, when you're trying to remove it, it sticks and hurts like crazy.

That's why it's always important to use the lowest possible absorbency that will fit your needs.

Q: hi i am 18 years old and so is my boyfriend, we have been going out for almost 3 months now and i wanna know more about him. we plan to be engaged and living together before the summer is over. what are some good questions we can ask eachother to get to know one another better.

Dude, what's the rush? You've put these crazy expectations on your relationship at a point where you're still not sure if you know the guy?

I'm not against moving in and getting engaged young. I'd be a hypocrite if I was... I met my husband at 18, we moved in 3 months later due to my bad living conditions, were engaged 8 months after that. We waited for 4 years to get married, though. Thing is, when we did all of this, we just let it happen. You can't force a relationship to progress. Well, you can, but it won't be pretty.

Asking questions won't help you get to know your boyfriend better. Knowing every detail about his favourite kind of soup and what kind of movies he likes to watch won't give you any special insights into his character. The only way you can really, truly get to know this guy is by spending time with him. See how he reacts in various situations. See how he supports you in a time of crisis, because goodness knows that you will encounter enough of them throughout the course of a marriage. I always say that a couple should have at least one major fight (not over who does the dishes this time) before they get engaged. Experience will give you a lot more insight into his personality and behaviours than straight-up asking.

Now, some discussions you should be having:

- Money. Everything about it. Are you spenders? Are you savers? Will you have a joint bank account? How much do you need in the bank to be comfortable? How do you feel about credit and debt? What is your current financial situation? Is either of you carrying any debt? You have to be 100% transparent when it comes to finances in a marriage.

- Family. Who wants how many kids and when? Is it important to stay near your relatives? Does one of you want to be a stay at home parent? Do you believe in raising your children with the same values or in the same style?

- Goals. Do you want to travel? Does one of you want to own really nice things while the other is happier with moderation? What plans do you have for your future? Are you each supportive of each other's plans?

- Relationship stuff. What are your dealbreakers? What are your sexual expectations?=

Do yourself a favour and don't put the deadline on your relationship. Let things happen naturally. It's entirely possible that you know you want to marry this guy now. We knew. Just give it some time to make sure that not only do you love each other, but that you will both be happy with your lives running in parallel. All the love in the world can't save a marriage where one person is happy living eyeballs-deep in debt and the other is freaking out, or where one partner wants 4 children and the other hates kids. That's the tricky part of marriage... being prepare to make every decision with the other person in mind for the rest of your life.

Q: I would have written "My ex is abusive and violent in nature" and "OMG did I turn him gay?" Thats why you must answer the question directly, not in a 'broad-round-about way' ellaborating on your own assumptions.

Calling a whole group of people "f***ing f****ts" sounds pretty violent to me. I don't know your ex, so I have to make broad assumptions.

I'm just going to end this here and let the higher-level moderators sort this out, or it's just going to end in an e-shouting match.

If you're not grateful for help that you receive from us, that's no reason to spam our inboxes with hate-mail. If I receive anything further from you, I will report it as abuse. I hope that you can take future advice in the spirit in which it was given.

bio

My Personal Forum

My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.

In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.

Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.

I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.