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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
so this is a little confusing,...so its gonna be kinda lengthy. bear with me. O.o
soooooo i guess it all started when my boyfriend M said he had a crush on my closest friend when he and i werent going out...the friends name is A. this kind of upset me a bit cuz shes so much prettier and smarter and a lot nicer than me. so it seemed pretty typical to me, but still upset me. and one night a few days before valentines day, we all smoked weed together and such. it was fun, but he looked like he was kind of flirting with her..to me anyways. maybe it was the weed, im not sure. but thats what it seemed like..
so yesterday, my ex, P sold me some weed at M's house, (and P just happens to of been good friends with M since they were really little.) and then we all got high together, and P and i kind of flirted a little, but i didnt know i was until i had started coming down from the high.
and M seemed really upset as soon as i had started to notice. he just laid on his bed and stared at nothing for 2 hours, and then fell asleep. P and i wanted to walk to P's house to get more weed, (i know im mentioning weed a lot, but please do not tell me to stop that. weed has NOTHING to do with my question.) and M said we could go without him. like he didnt even want to be around us. this upset me a bit, and when we got back, M's dad took me home and usually M gets out of the car to hug me and tell me he loves me, but this night he just stayed in the car and said "bye"...but he didnt say it meanly.
anyways, i think P is really cool, and i like smoking with him. but hes not the guy i fell in love with, and i think i was flirting cuz my subconscience was telling me to get back at M for flirting with A. i have no idea. but M usually invites me over everyday, and he hasnt called me yet and its almost lunch time for me. he usually asks at 9. and if, by any chance he DOES ask me over later, what do i say to him?
The Answer
I hate to break it to you hun, but weed does have something to do with your question.
Weed affects the way your brain works, your inhibitions and the way you behave, as well as the way you perceive the people around you.
You perceived flirting between your boyfriend and best friend, which might not have even been happening (common side effect of pot: paranoia), and if it was happening, certainly wasn't happen while they were in their right mind. They were both under the effects of a drug that lowers inhibitions and impairs their judgment.
THEN you went out and got your own judgment impaired and did something equally silly in flirting with your ex.
I'm not saying this couldn't have happened without pot, it could have, and I'm not saying pot is a bad, bad thing. What I am saying is you need to be realistic: Pot contributed to this problem. If you are going to regularly smoke pot with people you and your boyfriend have romantic tension with, this is probably going to keep happening, same things goes for regularly getting drunk. Your rational mind should be able to figure that one out.
If anyone has a temptation or a vague idea about behaving badly, smoking pot is going to make it harder to resist those ideas, not easier.
Anyways, as for the position you are in now, just call him and be as completely honest about it as you were here. Say you were jealous, even if he didn’t DO anything, you still felt jealous and you made a mistake. Apologize up front for what you felt you did wrong, and let him share his side of the story. Don’t wait for him to tell you what he thinks your mistakes are, just own up to your own beliefs and feelings, and then ask him to do the same.
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The Question
So, me and my boyfriends mom get along pretty good. Except she walked in with me and my boyfriend with me on top of my boyfriend and we were kissing in bed in the dark.
We are a very serious relationship, and I'm never allowed to his house again :(
What willl I do?
The Answer
Apologize. Not because what you did was wrong, but because you made her uncomfortable and put her in an awkward position.
Don't fight to be allowed in the home again, don't argue or judge, just call, or write her a note, apologizing for upsetting her.
Then find other places to hang out with your boyfriend.
Respect her rule and show her that you respect her opinion and feelings by apologizing (even if you don't agree with her position on this), she will probably soften up in a few weeks. She just needs some time to process what happened and remember that she doesn't hate you. Be respectful and obedient, and give her that time.
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The Question
In my state, the legal age of consent is sixteen. So theoretically, if I was sixteen, could I legally have sex with someone who is 18? Or would that be statutory rape? Even if there's only a two year age difference, would having sex with an 'adult' be illegal?
So could I have sex with him or am I just jail bait?
I'm a girl, btw.
The Answer
If the Age of Consent is 16, then once you are sixteen, you may 'consent' to sexual activity with whomever you choose. It would only be if you are fifteen that having sex with an 18 year old might be a problem.
There are some exceptions. For instance, some places the age of consent in 18 IF the person you want to have sex with is over 21, or if they are in a position of power, like a teacher or a doctor, then it's illegal.
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The Question
okay so my boyfriend of 5 months bought me a $250.00 necklace for christmas, but about 2 weeks later I broke it off. He told me to keep the necklace and said that it was mine. Except now hes asking for it back. I would give back because I really dont want it but I kinda lost it. :S So,I just ignore his myspace messages and his texts. I dont know what to do. I have no clue where the necklace is! Ive looked everywhere, and I dont want to tell him or talk to him or anything. I completely HATE him! I dont want anything to do with him! What do I do??
The Answer
Respond, quickly and firmly that you understood the necklace was a gift and that you didn't need to give it back.
You HAVE to respond, just once, and only one, and tell him that you don't plan on giving it back and that you really don't want to speak to him anymore, and hope he can respect your wishes.
If you already hate him and want nothing to do with him, you don't need to worry about offending him. He can say whatever nasty thing he wants about you, but every court in this country would be on your side: It was a gift. It was yours to do with as you wish, even to loose.
Reply once, firmly state that you will not be giving the necklace back and that you don't want to speak to him anymore. It's cold and unfriendly, but you are entitled to be cold and unfriendly. You aren't entitled to pretend he doesn't exist.
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The Question
well so im 14, turning 15 really soon. i do not look my age at all. i look atleast 17. anyways theres this guy. i met him and he said he was 19, and i really started liking him and stuff, but later on i did find out that he really is 27, he has his reasons to lie about his age but i dont want to get into it. and i just found out his real age the other day, it shocked me to death the first day, second day pretty weird, but today im totally over it and still really like him. and we had a talk last night about us being together and me soon moving in with him when im able to move out. he still doesnt know that i know hes 27, he cant know i know, long story. but is it wrong to be in love with a 27 year old when your only 14 years old? =/
The Answer
It's always wrong to lie and mislead someone at the same time as talking about a serious relationship and possibly moving in together, and that is what this guy is doing if he hasn't come clean about his age and situation. The foundation you are both setting up for this ‘relationship’ is disastrous and dishonest. That is never good a start.
When I hear a young teen falling for a twenty-something, it's NEVER the teenager’s maturity I question, it's the adult's. I am twenty-four, and if any of my male friends told me he was talking about moving in with a 14 year-old as soon as she was allowed to move out of her parent’s home, I would DRIVE HIM TO A MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY that instance. Because no sane, well-adjusted adult male would seek out a romantic partnership with a teenager.
That has nothing to do with YOU. You could be the most mature, brilliant, beautiful creature in the world, and I would still call a twenty-seven year old who wanted you to move in with him mentally unhinged.
You can’t be an equal partner to a 27 year old anymore then you can be a penguin. Age is not just a number: It's a solid gauge for life experience and a loose one for maturity and self-awareness.
Even if he does care for you, and even if you truly love each other, if he tries to have a relationship with you he isn't a very good person and he has very poor judgment.
A good person would know that a crush is fine, but that a twenty-seven year old could cause a lot of damage to you and would inevitably be taking advantage of you. That is why it's illegal, in most states, for sexual contact between a 14 year old and a 27 year old.
Your feelings are never ‘wrong’ but your actions certainly can be, and acting on your feelings with this guy is a bad decision and one that frightens me for you. I sincerely hope you are not keeping this relationship a secret from the adults in your life! Please, find an older female friend, somebody 21 or older who you respect and trust to talk to about this. At that age, a woman will probably have the sense and strength to see through this guy’s sweetness to his creepy core, and I promise you, based on what you’ve told us here, he DOES have a creepy core.
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The Question
Hi :) 16/F
So I'm in my first relationship ever, and it's going great.
There's just one problem, and it's becoming more and more of an issue.
Before I go on, my boyfriend loves me, and I know he does. He doesn't mean to offend me and I'm sure he doesn't realise what he's doing, and that's part of the problem.
He seems to talk about other girls, a lot. Now, I really don't care if he talks to other girls, or befriends them. It's his life, he can do whatever he likes. HOWEVER, he talks about them in a very...explicit manner.
He will constantly tell me about girls he wants to have sex with, girls he wanted to have sex with in the past, and girls he regretted he didn't have sex with.
It makes me feel pretty insecure, am I not good enough? Firstly, I know guys have these sorts of thoughts naturally, and I have no problem with that. Really, I don't. Just because he's going out with me, doesn't mean they will go away. I just find it disrespectful he will tell this to ME out of all people. I don't care if he says this stuff to his friends, I just don't want to hear it.
He also rang me up today to complain about his porn collection being lost. It wasn't even a "Hahaha my porn collection got lost :P" it was a full on bitch session.
I know, I know, why am I telling you guys how much this bothers me instead of him.
Well, I have 2 questions.
1. am I just being jealous, or is he doing something wrong? As I said, he can talk to girls for all I care. I just find it disrespectful he tells me how much he wants to do stuff with certain girls to me. How would you feel if you're cuddling with your boyfriend and then he suddenly goes on about how much he wish he had sex with his ex's sister? :S I'm pretty sure I'm not being ridiculous, I just want an opinion before I do anything else
2. It's being going on for too long, and I'm stupid for not saying anything sooner. I know. But because it's bothered me for so long, it's embarrassing to say anything now. At first I thought he was joking, and it wasn't very often. But as our relationship went on and we saw each other more often, it happened more often...anyway, I'm just letting it slide because
a) I don't want to sound jealous and insecure to him. I'm not jealous, it just makes me feel...weird.
b) Because it's been going on for so long he'll make a big deal out of it and ask why I didn't tell him sooner. I don't want it to be a big deal, all I want from him is to stop
c) I've been thinking about dumping him over it, that's how much it upsets me. But I can't dump him before I tell him the reason, and give him a chance to fix it.
So in short? How can I let my boyfriend know how much this bothers me without sounding jealous, and not sounding ridiculous I've let him do it for so long even though it really upsets me?
All my friends want me to dump him because he does it and doesn't even realise, but I have to let him know so he has the chance to fix it.
The Answer
The only thing you are definitely doing wrong is keeping your unhappiness to yourself, and you are right, it’s going to make it a bit harder now.
If you don’t want to sit him down and talk to him about this, start correcting him in the moment, clearly and firmly. When he starts to talk about wanting to have sex with someone else look him squarely in the eye and say “Stop. I don’t like these conversations, let’s go do ________.” Having a few activities or conversation topics in your back pocket will help to diffuse the situation, but you need to start with the clear ‘Stop’ before trying to change the subject, or he wont get the message.
Don’t get your back up and don’t get offended. If he says you are jealous just say “No. I just don’t like hearing every sexual thought that goes through a persons head.” Don’t let him get worked into a tizzy about it either, just calmly repeat yourself: “I don’t like those conversations, so I’m asking you to stop them.” This doesn’t need to turn into a huge conversation about how much he’s offended you in the past, keep it in the present and tell him what you feel right at the moment.
Also, you CAN in fact, dump a guy without giving him the chance to change. There is no rule against it and it's not ‘unfair’. If you don't want to be with someone, you don't have to give them the chance to change their behavior, you can just say 'Stop the ride, I want off.' I don’t have to warn a guy that blowing me off on my birthday in a deal breaker, or that racist comments are not okay… if he does one of those things I don’t have to give him a chance to do better, I just dump him. I don’t like him anymore. If he can’t figure those things out on his own, then he isn’t worth my time.
Your friends have a very valid point: If this guy doesn’t have the gray matter to figure out on his own that this is probably not the best conversation to have with his girlfriend, it’s unlikely that asking him to stop is going to turn him into an ideal boyfriend. It’s more likely that he just isn’t a bright enough individual right now to be dating you. If you don’t want to be with him anymore, don’t ask him to change, just tell him why and end it. The third or fourth time a girl turns to him and says “Shut up about the sex already!” he might begin to understand your meaning.
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The Question
I'm really just looking for opinions here. Honest ones. Be as blunt as you want really.
A guy and I have been "talking" for a few weeks. we have had sex twice and there is no doubt in my mind that we will continue to have sex whether there is a relationship or not. Now this whole time I really think he is just using me for sex. which obviously i'm fine with if i continue to do this. but he texts me all day and will tell me he misses me (he's out of town for the weekend) and how he wants to see me. I however take that as "i want to have sex with you" cause I mean i'm not completely naive here. Then out of the blue he asks when we are going to start dating. He has also introduced me to his family and shared some information with me that i'm pretty sure he wouldn't tell everyone. I just want yall's opinions. User or potential dater? honestly. (by the way we are both 19)
The Answer
You don't need to one or the other. This guy could easily be both. Lord knows I've dated guys who thought they wanted a relationship, but really only wanted a sex toy. They are out there, in droves.
I'll add one more for your to consider: Deeply confused little boy.
Sounds like you are a bit clearer on the shades of gray when it comes to sex, friendship and relationship. My best advice to you is to stop trying to read his mind, he probably doesn't know himself what he wants exactly, and instead, decide percisely what YOU want.
Do you want to date him?
Would you rather just go on sleeping with him?
If you don't want to date him, what does that mean for the friendship and the sex?
What is your ideal arrangement with this guy?
Answer those questions yourself, and don't worry so much what he might want. Tell him what you want, and let him respond.
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The Question
People say revenge is never the answer, and you might be one of them, but I don't care. So don't scold me or try to reason with me just answer my question and get over it. I want revenge on him. There is this boy ((we'll call him Dave)) and he broke my heart. I know we are young and I am not going to try and say we are in love but I think its stupid that people say you can't get your heart broken even though they know they felt this exact pain at your age. Anyway, if Dave thinks he can just mess around with my emotions, tell me he likes but that he's "not interested in dating" but still expect me to treat him like a boyfriend, he's wrong. If he thinks he can lead me on when he gets bored but then ignore me whenever he feels like it, he's wrong. Its not like he flirts with other girl's (I'm really the only girl he ever talks to) and he's not a player AT ALL I think he just gets a laugh out of messing with me and it makes me so mad! I still like him SO MUCH (i know i know!! But i cant control who i like!!) but I just want to get back at him. It hurts me... A lot and I know its absolutely horrible, but I want to hurt him too. I don't care if he is "confused with his feelings about me" or any other bull crap he gives, he can't mess with me like that!! Jelousy could do something but I need MORE ideas. So please, skip the criticism and sense, and just help me. How can I get revenge??
The Answer
Look, the reason revenge isn't the answer is because it DOESN'T work.
It's impossible to really achieve it! Plans never work out the way you mean them too, there are just too many factors too control! Revenge never works out just the same way that you can't "Make him love me!" because you simply can't control another person's response like that. It's impossible. You can’t MAKE someone else feel something.
It's all right to want revenge, even to engage in a few fun fantasies of the horrid things you might do, but if you actually TRY anything, it probably won’t work, and what’s worse, it will probably blow up in your face and leave you feeling even worse than before, if not looking like a fool to everyone who knows what you were attempting to do.
Revenge is a great idea in the movies, where the writer can control everybody’s responses, but it just doesn't work out in real life. That's why you can't think of anything, and that's why every idea anyone offers here will seem pretty lame, because it DOESN'T WORK.
So go ahead and rage and fume and say horrid things about him, but let it end there. Anything else is doomed to failure and making you look foolish. Just work deal with feeling this way and remember it's temporary. The sooner you can accept you feel like shit and just live through it, the sooner it will pass.
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The Question
Ok I just turned 19 this past October and my best friend turned 15 this past November. Anyway over Valentine's day weekend we ended up do everything and I mean everything even a couple times we didnt use a condom. Anyway im madly in love with her and she loves me so is this wrong or not.
The Answer
I can't tell you if it was 'wrong' but it was certainly pretty dumb.
Having unprotected sex is always kind of dumb.
Having unprotected sex with a teenage friend, at ages where is it could be illegal in your state to do so is really very dumb.
Google the Age of Consent laws in your state or country and make sure you aren't breaking the law. It's not worth ruining your life over having sex with your 'friend' if that activity is going to land you in court.
While you are at it, google contraception measures and learn how to use them appropriately.
Even if you do love someone madly, it is still royally stupid for you to behave in certain ways, like the ones you just did. Get informed and have an honest talk with your friend. Don't do anything illegal and don't take stupid risks with your bodies.
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The Question
15/f
It's really annoying me how my parents seem to think of me as a little girl.
In certain ways they don't - they know that I drink and do drugs and party, they let me stay out as late as I want to and I can go practically anywhere I want, but the way they speak to me is like I'm a little girl.
Also, certain things they do make me think the same thing. For example, the other night, my grandad gave me a lift to the train station, but I had missed the train and my friends had all left. So I was waiting for the next train. My mum called and was like, "Why did your grandad not stay with you? It's late at night and it's dark and cold and you're just a little girl!" I had to remind her that I'm 15.
Then today my dad was passing by the library so I asked him to grab me some books he thought I'd like, and most of them are shallow girly books about kissing aimed at 12-year-olds.
Also today, my mum actually said she still thinks of me as a little girl.
It's really annoying, how can I show them that I'm mature?
The Answer
Look, I'm twenty-four years old, and if I had missed my train late at night in my city, I might ask the person who had driven me to sit with me, or to have a coffee with me, while I waited for the next.
That isn't about mature, that is about safe and sensible. It’s never a BAD thing for a lone young female to request some company when out late at night in a large public place, really. I live in a huge city and I’m very confident in it, but given the chance, I’d almost always take the company late at night. It just makes SENSE.
And really, if they are letting you go out and do those (sort of dumb) things, then they aren't treating you like a little girl, they are just getting confused sometimes.
I constantly forget how old my siblings are. I really do. I'll be talking to them and all of sudden remember 'Oh yeah! You are a teenager now! I still think of you like you are ten-ish.'
That's not because I don't respect them, and it's not cause I don't care. It's because I FORGET. I really do. People, especially adolescents and teens change so damn fast, it’s hard to keep up.
The best thing you can do is talk to your parents. Let them in a bit more. Talk to them about the books you are reading, about the complex issues you are talking about in class and the serious discussions you have with your friends. If you don’t let them in to your mind a bit, and help them see the serious topics you are ready to think about, they are going to assume you are still the fluffy little girl they have always known.
And don't get your panties in a knot when they ask you to take care of yourself. That isn't about 'maturity'. My mom still buys me vitamins, completely ignoring the fact I could get my own! I just thank her for her concern.
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The Question
Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about three years and she is the one who first brought up the idea of a three some so how do i get her to follow through
The Answer
Talk about it.
And for goodness sake, do not use the words 'make her follow through'.
If a guy said he needed to make me follow through on something, I'd put him in place rather severely. I say a lot of things I have no intention on doing. Any moron who takes my every mentioned sexual interest to heart deserves a swift kick in the ass and a firm dumping.
People don't want to follow through on everything that comes out of their mouths.
Frankly, after three years, if it hasn't happened, it probably isn't going too.
But if it's important to you, talk to her about her feelings on the subject openly and honestly. Ask her if she really wants to make that idea a reality or not. Ask for details: Who? When? Where? What sort of rules after wards?
If she doesn't have answers to those questions, and doesn't seem interested in talking about those fine details, then she isn't interested in having a threesome, and no decent person would try to make her 'follow through' on something she clearly has no interest in pursuing.
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The Question
there's this baby kitty that lives outside my house and my mom wont let me bring him in. at night he always looks through my window and i feel so bad because its cold and i want him in with me. should i open my window and sneak him in at night?
The Answer
Unless you intend on adopting this cat and turning him into your house pet, bringing him to a vet and feeding him everyday for the rest of his sweet little life, then NO. No, you should not bring him in.
A wild cat can be a wild cat, and is smart enough to sleep some place safe and warm. If he is sleeping by your window, that means it's a smart place for him to be and you should let him do that.
Unless you intend on becoming responsible for this cat as a good and sensible pet-owner, you shouldn't interfere.
If this really bothers you, go back to your mother and argue for letting the cat in ONCE, and then bringing it to the animal shelter the next day, where it can be treated by a vet, cared for by kind volunteers and adopted by someone who loves it. I bet if you made a reasonable plan where the cat would be with you for only one night, in a box or a carrying case borrowed from a friend, and then brought to an animal shelter, your mother would be more open to listening to you.
Doing the right thing means making a workable and smart plan for the cat, not just doing the thing that makes you feel less guilty for a night.
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The Question
You were working out a problem with friend or yours. He/she gets angry because of a few emails because you were telling him/her how you felt and all. You have this friend on your friends list. Boom this friend deletes you and your other friend for no reason. But you look back at the problem and see what went wrong. you find out you and your other friend are at fault somewhat, but the other person is more at fault for deleting you for no reason. Then you apologize to your friend that deleted you for no reason in an email, message, letters and did two cards and sent them in the mail. There is no reply to the emails or anything, but you were told it takes a while for your friend to get things. Does this mean things are okay between your friend okay? is there any way to tell if things are okay do you think this friend will accept my friend and I's apologies? We really meant no harm and didnt mean for things to get out of hand. thanks. :)
The Answer
You really need to let this go.
This degree of concern, with someone you knew over a social networking site, is unhealthy.
You will only know if your apology is accepted if this person tells you so, and they might choose not too. They might choose not to address this issue anymore with you. As I said in my previous advice to you on this issue, it would be perfectly fair ad respectful for a person you only knew through a social networking site to choose to have no more to do with you. They have NO moral obligation to speak to you again. Ever.
You apologized for what you think you did wrong, and that was the correct thing to do. Now you need to stop worrying about it, and let this person do, or not do, whatever they wish. You can't read their mind and you might never know what they think. Respect that and move on.
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The Question
I have tried to have cordial relations with my neighbors, but do not have particularly close friendships with any of them.
A little over a year ago, a young man started coming to my home on a regular basis whenever my wife was out of town. After a while, he began spending the night with me when she was away.
Evidently, some of my neighbors noticed these visits and started gossiping about it, spreading the rumor that I am gay and that this young guy is my lover. More recently, however, he has spent the night when my wife is present, so now my neighbors think something kinky is going on.
At times I am puzzled by this. At other times I am angry at their arrogance and gall. The explanation is simple: The young man is my son from a previous relationship. Because we were prevented from having contact when he was a child, we are now trying to establish a relationship -- and we are making progress. My wife and other children have been wonderfully supportive in all this.
I really don't want to tell my neighbors what's going on because it will inevitably lead to a disclosure of some things that are really none of their business. But I am troubled by the rumor that I have a young male lover. What do you think I should do?
The Answer
Get over it.
Because really, what else can you do?!
Here is the really scary fact of the matter: People have been talking about you behind your back and leaping to all sorts of crazy conclusions all your life. Ever since you were in diapers this has been happening. The only difference in this case is A.) You know about them doing it and B.) You give a damn.
It’s not evil; it’s just human nature and a bit rude. People should be behaving better, but they often won’t.
Although it still may be difficult, the simplest solution to your problem is to stop giving a damn.
Unless you are willing to drop some comments about him being your son from a previous marriage... then the options you are left with are basically 'Get over it.' or 'Continue to fret and be offended by it.'
I don’t much like fretting and being offended by things outside of my control, so I’d go for the trying to get over it path.
You are an adult and a decent person. Even if you WERE doing something kinky with a young man and your wife, there would be nothing wrong with that! And there certainly isn’t anything wrong with what IS actually going on.
Someday the truth is likely to come out and your neighbors will feel a bit silly and probably have a good chuckle over their own dirty minds. Go ahead and have your good chuckle at them right now. They are being very silly, but not evil, and their idle gossip doesn’t reflect on you as a person, it’s just their own fictionalization. Try to let your anger go, because it can’t do you any good.
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The Question
I am a 38 year old female.I have a long time friend, who I have worked with at two separate jobs. We both have older children. We have been involved in our childrens activities, and we have done a lot together such as shopping going to the beach and just hanging out. I have so much fun with her.I caught her having an affair with someone that I knew. Then, she confided in me, and told me of many, many affairs she has had. To the tune of about fourteen. At first I was angry but she would tell me, I was her best friend, and she needed to talk to me. Then it became like a book, I wanted to know more. Now, I am sick of it. I do want to be friends with her, because we can have so much fun and I am loyal to my friends. But it sickens me because of how she is. Her affairs are still going on. Bringing the subject up to her offends her and she tells me not to judge her because I am not perfect either. Should I just break off the friendship or tell her husband she is still unfaithful or what.
The Answer
You have no business telling her husband.
If you want to remain her friend there is a simple way to do it: Tell her to stop talking to you about the affairs.
Tell her that even though you care for her and value her friendship, that you deeply disagree with her behavior and that is making you very upset. Since you still want to be her friend, ask her to respect your discomfort over the subject and not to bring it up anymore.
She'll probably get her back up a bit and feel 'judged'. All you can do is assure her that you are doing this so as to avoid judging her. Stand up for yourself and don't accept conversations you find unpleasant. It doesn't matter how flawed you are or what details you might have asked after before, what matters is that now you've realized these conversations are harming your love and friendship with her, so you need her to stop.
That might not be acceptable to her. She might be very offended, but at least you've tried to maintain your friendship and your dignity, and if she is offended by being asked not to discuss something that offends you, then the friendship is probably best to just let die.
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The Question
I think I might be racist =(
I don't like Hispanic men. HOWEVER, my best friend is Hispanic (she's a girl), and I have no problem whatsoever with Hispanic females at all, its just the males.
I have had three relationships with Hispanic guys, all of which were miserable (not abusive or anything like that, I was just extremely unhappy). My last boyfriend was Hispanic, and I've decided I'm not dating another Hispanic guy again, because at first I might like him, but then the more time we spend together, the more I notice the accent, the more it irritates me, and I've noticed that they are all very touchy-feely, they always want to be holding hands or kissing.
So now at this point I just don't talk to any Latino men unless I have to. I just avoid them, but of course I'm not rude to them or anything like that, I treat them the way I would like to be treated, the way I treat anyone else. For example I sit next to a Mexican man in one of my classes, and he was having trouble with his computer so I volunteered my help. But otherwise I avoid making any conversation.
I hate this, I don't like having this problem. How do I make my racial issues go away?
18/F
The Answer
The sad truth is, racism might be morally wrong, but it's the way our brains are programmed to function.
We make generalizations. We can't treat everyone as individuals all the time, there are just too many people out there for our brains to manage that! We HAVE TO stick them into groups. What's important is to be respectful to all people, to TRY to treat everyone as an individual and, this is my real advice to you, to recognize that ‘race’ isn’t the problem. It isn’t, or at least it shouldn’t be and doesn’t need to be, a racial group that you have a problem with.
The things you are claiming you dislike about your past boyfriends are cultural and personal characteristics. Their values and the way they view relationships aren't 'racial', they are cultural. They are personal preferences and generalizations they have made on how they think they should behave in relationships based on their past experiences, NOT based solely on their race.
It’s the age-old nature versus nurture at play here, but a very good way to put your prejudices in their proper place is to realize that what you dislike are nurtured behaviors: i.e. learned behaviors. And that isn’t racial. The mistake you are making is that you are thinking about it in racial terms.
Change the way you are thinking about this:
You don’t dislike Hispanic males, or at least, you shouldn’t, because that is a racial prejudice.
You do dislike clingy, overly-touchy-feely guys. It just HAPPENS that many of the Hispanic males you’ve met fall into that category.
It might seem like a tiny difference, but it’s actually a very large one.
Disliking all clingy men, some of whom happen to be Hispanic, is fine.
Disliking all Hispanic men, some of whom happen to be clingy, is not.
Picking characteristics you don’t like is fine. Pretending that all people of a single race are going to have those characteristics is not okay.
You can control the way you think about this. Stop telling yourself you don’t like Hispanics. Start thinking about the kind of characteristics and behaviors that you wouldn’t like in ANYONE, and do your best to judge each person you met based on those.
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The Question
razhie,
you have been doing a wounderful job with all the advices, appreciate it... Am a 25 yr old guy, i recently met a girl during a chat & want to present a valentine gift as we have planned to meet on same day. I thought i could present her with nice pair of lingerie as it would b sexy, however when i asked her about her vital stats she refused to give it...she said herself is clue of what she wears(prob XL)...i know it cant be the case... what do you advise me in this case? what is the best way to know her vital stats & suggest me some best brands i could gift her.
The Answer
DON'T DO IT!
Meeting someone for the first time is NOT the right time to give them lingerie. It's too intimate, too personal and too sexual to give the first time you met a woman. That is why she said no. She said no because it's a bad idea and it makes her uncomfortable.
Underwear is the appropriate gift from someone you've been dating for at least a few months, or someone you are in a serious long-term relationship with.
Bring Flowers. A very personal card. A book. Something personal or sweet that you know she'd love. Jewelry or art. If you really want her to have some lovely underwear, get her a gift certificate and let her select what she would like on her own.
Don't get her underwear yet. Pick out a personal gift, but not a sexual one.
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The Question
So this guy i've been seeing for a while is totally awesome and i like him so much. he is usually really cool with whatever i do and doesnt protest against anything. if i drink every once in a while he doesnt think its a big deal. basically he is just very chill and cool wtih stuff.
This past weekend my friends wanted to doo hookah and i was texting him and decided to ask him how he felt about that. ive never done it before and i was interested in his opinion. basically he went off about how i might as well be smoking pot. and i told him they are completely different blah blah blah and we get in a bit of an arguement. first arguement we've ever had i might add.
So were texting back and forth and he just kept saying "just dont do it" and i responded that i can do what i choose. and then he said he wouldnt want what we have to end over something as stupid as smoking because he doesnt put up with that.
i would just like to once again add that he is so not like this usually! he is usually so cool with everything. but for some reason when it comes to smoking of any kind, even as harmless as hookah, he just wont put up with it.
He said that i respect myself and that is one of the reasons he really likes me. And he said i am better than that. Now he is a few years older than me so i understand he is looking out for me and doesnt want me getting into bad habits.... but... its HOOKAH. its virtually harmless. i don't know... is he being way irrational or simply caring about me? opinions/experiences would be appreciated! (sorry for the length) thanks!
The Answer
Never have a serious conversation over text messages.
I'm serious. Even if you ignore every other piece of advice you get here today, take this experience and learn this:
DON'T HAVE SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS OVER TEXT MESSAGES.
If you try to have a serious discussion over text messages, this will almost always happen. People will get entrenched in their own opinion, obstinate and unhappy. It’s not a place for dialogue; it’s more like a billboard. Texts are fundamentally depersonalizing, and by virtue of necessity they par serious discussions down to simple, assertive sentences. Depersonalizing someone when you talk to them (which is a fancy way of saying distancing yourself from them emotionally and intellectually) and then using short, direct sentences is a PERFECT recipe for miscommunication and conflict.
There is no way to judge his behavior over a text message argument. It’s like trying to judge if someone is a bully by watching them dance the Macarena. There just isn’t enough information there. Let this go for a little while. After a few days to calm down, have an actual, face to face, respectful and honest discussion. Don’t get your back up and get all ‘I’ll do whatever I want too!” That is totally true! But it’s not dialogue or ‘asking for his opinion’, those are fighting words.
It’s okay for you two to disagree. It’s okay for him to not like it. He might be irrational about it, or he might not. But trying to have a ‘dialogue’ over text messages, that IS irrational.
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The Question
I really want my boyfriend to come in me but I don't want to get pregnant. I read somewhere that the day you start your period is "day 1" of your cycle and that you usually ovulate between days 12-22. So how come they say you can get pregnant on your period? Does anyone know when it'd be safe and I won't get pregnant?
Also I was thinking about going to planned parenthood and getting the birth control shot. Does anyone know about it or how much it would cost there?
The Answer
Semen can survive inside the body for up to seven days. That is why they say you can get pregnant at pretty much any point.
Also, you USUALLY ovulate between day 12 and 22, but not always, so again, that is why they say you could get pregnant at any point.
Sex is never, NEVER, 100% safe. Sex without a condom is even less safe. You can choose to take that risk if you want, but no one can pull numbers out of the air and tell you just how risky it is. I could say, that on day 28 you'd only be taking a 20% risk... but that would be total Bullshit! I don't know! I can't know! Even your doctor couldn't come up with definite numbers for that! It is simply always risky, end of story. Either you take the risk, or you take serious and sensible steps to drastically reduce the risk.
The shot is generally free at Planned Parenthood, but it's availability and the rules surrounding it vary from state to state. Check their website here for more information:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
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The Question
my son married last july to a girl who is a bully.she likes to be the center of attenion all the time. she talks about flirting with my sons friends and their coworkers in front of my son (they both work at the same company). she has begun to alienate my son from his friends and family (his sister & us) who try to tell him how he's not being treated properly. she called my son's sister stupid in front of both of us with no regard for what she said. he has to get permission to put gas in his car! she gets mad if a friend texts him on his phone. she'll text that person at the same time and ask why he's not texting her. she hates most of her coworkers and talks horribly about them. my son seems to know how bad it's gotten, but is in denial. the peolple who try to support him are the ones who are not allowed to be in his life. i told him he needs to "man up", but he thinks it will work out. i don't know how to be supportive without losing my mind.
The Answer
Back down a bit.
Of course you are right. He does need to man up. This couple needs counseling, at the very least. However, taking control back and standing up to his wife 'Because Mom and Sis tell me too.' is not going to do him any good in the long run. This is a decision he is going to have to come to on his own.
Trust that your son is an intelligent and capable young man. Unless he is the victim of outright abuse, say your peace and then butt out.
Sit him down and express, simply and without anger or name-calling her, that you are concerned for his well-being. Perhaps write down your two or three main concerns beforehand so that you don't start ranting at him. Suggest a counselor, or a faith leader he might also speak too, some neutral third party who could give him some advice. Then tell him that's it, you've said your peace and now you are butting out of his marriage difficulties. If he wants help or advice, from now on he must ask for it. Otherwise, you are going to keep your opinions to yourself.
And then do just that. As hard as it is, take a step back and let your son deal with this situation. If you attack his wife (and no matter how justified your complaints are it will be seen as an attack by her and probably your son too!) he'll simply rise up to defend her. You can pat yourself on the back for that one: You raised a good boy who will defend his partner and not let other people speak poorly of her, even if she deserves it.
Then be in his life in whatever way he will let you be. Be civil to this woman, but don’t take her venom. If she descends into name-calling again, quickly but politely, leave.
Loving and trusting your adult children sometimes means taking a deep breath and backing down. He can handle this. Let him come to you when he is ready to ask for help and advice, and when he does, give only what he asks for. Don’t overreact and try to swoop in and save him. He can do it. Until then, just make sure he knows that he is loved, with that strength behind him, he’ll figure out the rest eventually.
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