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is this jealousy or is he doing something wrong?
Hi :) 16/F
So I'm in my first relationship ever, and it's going great.
There's just one problem, and it's becoming more and more of an issue.
Before I go on, my boyfriend loves me, and I know he does. He doesn't mean to offend me and I'm sure he doesn't realise what he's doing, and that's part of the problem.
He seems to talk about other girls, a lot. Now, I really don't care if he talks to other girls, or befriends them. It's his life, he can do whatever he likes. HOWEVER, he talks about them in a very...explicit manner.
He will constantly tell me about girls he wants to have sex with, girls he wanted to have sex with in the past, and girls he regretted he didn't have sex with.
It makes me feel pretty insecure, am I not good enough? Firstly, I know guys have these sorts of thoughts naturally, and I have no problem with that. Really, I don't. Just because he's going out with me, doesn't mean they will go away. I just find it disrespectful he will tell this to ME out of all people. I don't care if he says this stuff to his friends, I just don't want to hear it.
He also rang me up today to complain about his porn collection being lost. It wasn't even a "Hahaha my porn collection got lost :P" it was a full on bitch session.
I know, I know, why am I telling you guys how much this bothers me instead of him.
Well, I have 2 questions.
1. am I just being jealous, or is he doing something wrong? As I said, he can talk to girls for all I care. I just find it disrespectful he tells me how much he wants to do stuff with certain girls to me. How would you feel if you're cuddling with your boyfriend and then he suddenly goes on about how much he wish he had sex with his ex's sister? :S I'm pretty sure I'm not being ridiculous, I just want an opinion before I do anything else
2. It's being going on for too long, and I'm stupid for not saying anything sooner. I know. But because it's bothered me for so long, it's embarrassing to say anything now. At first I thought he was joking, and it wasn't very often. But as our relationship went on and we saw each other more often, it happened more often...anyway, I'm just letting it slide because
a) I don't want to sound jealous and insecure to him. I'm not jealous, it just makes me feel...weird.
b) Because it's been going on for so long he'll make a big deal out of it and ask why I didn't tell him sooner. I don't want it to be a big deal, all I want from him is to stop
c) I've been thinking about dumping him over it, that's how much it upsets me. But I can't dump him before I tell him the reason, and give him a chance to fix it.
So in short? How can I let my boyfriend know how much this bothers me without sounding jealous, and not sounding ridiculous I've let him do it for so long even though it really upsets me?
All my friends want me to dump him because he does it and doesn't even realise, but I have to let him know so he has the chance to fix it.
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Ask him why. Don't be accusing, just curious. Let him know that it does bother you, but you also want to know why. Don't accept bullshit like "thats just the way I am" or anything like that. HE probably hasn't thought about it that much.
Offhand, I'd say he's sexually insecure and inexperienced. He's trying to play himself off as something he isn't because he thinks its cool to be a sexual badass.
You aren't being ridiculous, you're reacting to an extreme case of immaturity.
Sit him down, and be completely honest. Tell him it bothers you and tell him how long. Tell him you want to know why he does it, and if he doesn't really know you want him to think about it and talk to you about it later.
He's not beyond hope, but it needs to stop, and if it doesn't you DO need to break up with him over it. It sounds like you like him enough that its worth it to try to save things first though, so talk to him and try to figure things out.
If he gets defensive and angry or hurt, let him vent and calm down. He probably lies to himself alot about how much of a badass he is, and when you let him know you are far from impressed he's probably not going to react very well. Expect that, if you have to walk away and let him cool off, then come back and talk to him.
Its not unusual to talk about sexual pasts. My girl and I talk about stuff like that alot. But its always in a mutual conversation context, always something we are both taking part in and isn't a form of bragging, its simply swapping stories about fun and funny things that have happened to us.
Your boy isn't doing that, he's just trying to make himself into a badass. Tell him he needs to stop.
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So, I totally love your story first off. I take that back. Not your story. The way you introduced it for us to answer. You pretty much answered your own question. The people here on Advicenators are not here to give you answers, but to guide you to get to your own answer. The KEY to a good relationship is NOT trust, honestly, blah, blah, blah. It's communication. And with that, trust is built. TALKING about your issues and THEN getting through them is what builds relationships. Confront your man with the problem, and if he really does love you, he'll work on it. If he doesn't, then you need to get rid of him. It just proves he's not ready for a relationship. When you love someone, you do not think about "doing other girls."
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Hey =]
Answer number 1- You can be jealous, but you honestly have a full right to be jealous. What he's doing is wrong. It's disrespect.. I mean, obviously he hasn't matured (no offense)... You are doing nothing wrong with the way you are feeling, don't ever doubt it. And if you ever go off on him, it was his fault for acting this way with you..
Answer number 2- Although you have let it slide for a while, it's never too late to tell someone how you feel, especially in a case like this... Speak up! You have a right and opinion just like everyone else does, and if you let this slide.. and don't speak up.. imagine what other types of situations may arise from you not taking action =/ you know? I suggest you talk to him... If he doesnt get it... or change.. dump him. Seriously... Sometimes people don't know what they have till it's gone.
In short- You can let him know but sitting down with him somewhere quiet... private. No giggles obviously... have to be straightforward and STAND your ground! If he says you sound ridiculous, well you know what? He's ridiculous for hurting his gf who loves him so much this way. If you're putting up with this, and seeking ways to fix it, you love him, because any other would have done the same back to him... basically getting no where.
Good luck hun!
Flirty =]
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The only thing you are definitely doing wrong is keeping your unhappiness to yourself, and you are right, it’s going to make it a bit harder now.
If you don’t want to sit him down and talk to him about this, start correcting him in the moment, clearly and firmly. When he starts to talk about wanting to have sex with someone else look him squarely in the eye and say “Stop. I don’t like these conversations, let’s go do ________.” Having a few activities or conversation topics in your back pocket will help to diffuse the situation, but you need to start with the clear ‘Stop’ before trying to change the subject, or he wont get the message.
Don’t get your back up and don’t get offended. If he says you are jealous just say “No. I just don’t like hearing every sexual thought that goes through a persons head.” Don’t let him get worked into a tizzy about it either, just calmly repeat yourself: “I don’t like those conversations, so I’m asking you to stop them.” This doesn’t need to turn into a huge conversation about how much he’s offended you in the past, keep it in the present and tell him what you feel right at the moment.
Also, you CAN in fact, dump a guy without giving him the chance to change. There is no rule against it and it's not ‘unfair’. If you don't want to be with someone, you don't have to give them the chance to change their behavior, you can just say 'Stop the ride, I want off.' I don’t have to warn a guy that blowing me off on my birthday in a deal breaker, or that racist comments are not okay… if he does one of those things I don’t have to give him a chance to do better, I just dump him. I don’t like him anymore. If he can’t figure those things out on his own, then he isn’t worth my time.
Your friends have a very valid point: If this guy doesn’t have the gray matter to figure out on his own that this is probably not the best conversation to have with his girlfriend, it’s unlikely that asking him to stop is going to turn him into an ideal boyfriend. It’s more likely that he just isn’t a bright enough individual right now to be dating you. If you don’t want to be with him anymore, don’t ask him to change, just tell him why and end it. The third or fourth time a girl turns to him and says “Shut up about the sex already!” he might begin to understand your meaning.
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