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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So my best friend and I are always together. Because of this I tend to meet her otherfriends and make friends through her. About a year ago we started occasionally visiting her friend, lets call her Laura, and also Laura's boyfriend since ge lives with her. So a few days ago Lauras boyfriend told my friend he has a crush on me, I'm terribly shy and don't know how talk to people...let alone in those circumstances.... Buy anyway he messaged me on Facebook yesterday and I didnt know what to say... He had said hey and I left it for a few hourse until i was just like 'hola' and then he didnt say anything until this morning he said 'hit me up when your not buzy' its 8 at night and I still haven't opened it or responded and I don't know what to say I really don't want to be mean or ignore him and make things awkard for mu friend but I also don't know what to say because I really don't like him that way and considering the other circumstances besides the fact I'm friends with his girlfriend... I just don't know what to say and I can't just keep ignoring all his messages if he keeps talking to me
The Answer
If your best friend hasn't said anything, then you don't have to either.
Laura's boyfriend, is a meddlesome asshole, who deliberately spread gossip and pain in your friendship. That's not okay. That makes him an ass.
Sometimes, we have crushes on people, but we know that doesn't mean we don't care for our girlfriend or boyfriend, and we don't intend to do anything about those crushes.
Unless the person who has the crush, talks to you about, ignore the meddlesome and rude gossipers who try to cause drama. Laura's boyfriend should not be taken seriously. If he continues to try and meddle, tell him to back off, and that your friend can speak up for themselves if they need to.
Reply to your friend. They have done nothing wrong! They are still your friend. You don't need to change anything you are doing. You don't need to try and be mean to somehow 'friend zone' them. They are already your friend! If you need to tell them you are not interested in them like that, then just say that if it comes up - it might never come up! Go back to being a friend, and forget about one stupid person who tried to stir up trouble for no reason.
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The Question
To begin with, I want to say three things:
1. This question is going have too long of a description.
2. I don't want to consult a psychiatrist. I want advice specifically from North Americans as it is a matter between them and me.
3. I am from India and I don't think that it should have been that way.
As I said, I was born in North India and that's where the problem really starts.
I am a male and I have been born into a Hindu family (Hinduism is a religion). I have been educated in a Roman Catholic school. It was a nice school but I didn't make friends there. I am 20 now. Right now I am pursuing Computer science in a random college in India. I have been open to few different cultures and religions ranging from Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, North America, United Kingdom, Spain, China, Japan etc. But I get nostalgic and emotional when it comes to North America.
And for the last few months I have been disturbed.
Before I start flowing into emotions here's the question: Is the following feeling justified in any way to be normal ?
I have started to see America as my place and Americans as my family. I don't know how many of you will actually welcome this thought of mine, but that's really what I have been thinking about lately and it has been confusing me much like an identity crisis a refugee would have to go through. I was never so much attached to any other country or to any other culture in my life. As I said, I have exposed myself to many different cultures, I have gone deep into studying the religion of my country, I have learnt Urdu and Spanish all by myself, I have been born into a nation which is very much obsessed with British culture (mostly because of colonial rule), but I have never felt connected to any of these things. I have always felt connected to America, to its culture, to everything. I have started listening to folk songs and I love them. When I hear about the history of the constitution of America, when the declaration of Independence was signed by the founding fathers, I get emotional as if I was an American. I do not hate my country. I know many people sacrificed their lives to make India independent but I just can't connect to it. I am not an emotional person, but whenever I see videos of junior highs or high schools of America, I feel like I missed the opportunity of being there. The chairs, the classrooms, the lockers, it all makes me feel like I have lived it. I never feel the same way for my school even if I have actually been to an Indian school and not an American school. Why do I feel so much about a place and a culture that I am not a part of,so much that I want to immigrate to America permanently - not as an Indian American but as an American. I don't have any grudge with my country or it's people, but it's just that I feel home when I think about America. And I know that it is not because America is a developed country and that I hail from a third world country, that I don't get as much freedom in my country as Americans do in America. I understand that difference very clearly. It's not a monetary but an emotional connection. Every culture is great and I respect that, but I think that I am an American at heart. I have always felt that. I don't know how many would be able to relate to it, but I would obviously love to die if that would mean being born again as an American among my people. Please don't see me as an intruder. I know many Americans don't entertain the idea of immigration and I can understand that. But I am like you. I am a part of America.
And the other part of the question:
Coming from a third world country will I be able to "fit into" the social circle, because I am really looking forward to coming to America after my studies get over. I am working very hard.
PS: To make things clear, I know people who want to come to America because it would provide them more opportunities and they would be able to earn in dollars. But that is not my case. I love America as my home, not as a money making machine.
I really want to know if I am on the correct path and making the right decision by making this big change. We have to accept, changing a country willingly, whatever be the reason, is a tough decision in a man's live. There are many things I know about America which aren't very pleasant. Everything in America is not a bed of roses. Life is tough there, there are crimes, laws are cruel sometimes, some people are too insane, some places are very dangerous. I know all that. But I love the way it is. In spite of all that, I feel I have a family there. I don't know the reason why all this has happened to me. Maybe you can figure it out.
The Answer
You can't control how people in North America will perceive you.
You will be seen as Indian. You will be seen, by many people, as an immigrant. Some people will also embrace you fully as an American - as well as still seeing you, as someone of Indian decent. Some people will not. Sometimes, you will be called an intruder, or made to feel like one.
None of this is under your control. Frankly, if you have traveled and meet many people on this planet, you should be able to understand that much of what a person is SEEN TO BE is completely out of their control.
If you come to America, and become an American citizen, there will be days and there will be people, who talk about you as though you are less than completely American. Hopefully, there wont be many. Depending on where in America you end up living, there could be more or less. America is a very large place, with huge regional differences in culture and language and attitudes towards others. In some places you will find a warmer welcome than others, but there is really no place where you wont encounter some racism and xenophobia.
If you want to love and embrace America as your home, that's wonderful and you should do that for you. If you only can love a country if that country always 100% loves you back all the time, then you are shit out of luck. No country works that way. Not America, not any other country that has ever existed, and probably not any country that will exist, for a very, very long time. There is racism, xenophobia, tribalism, classism, colourism, in all places. If you want to move to America, you need to have the strength of your convictions to accept that as one of America's imperfections, and to face it with dignity. If you can only be happy if everyone in your country accepts you fully, you will probably never be happy.
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The Question
I know this sounds like a dumb question and please don't judge me, but do "Sugar Daddies" as in wealthy older men who financially assists a younger female for her company and takes her on extravagant trips and shopping, exist? By exist I don't mean are there one or two out there who do this because of course there's going to be a couple, but I mean in the broader sense of the term.
I was interested in finding one because I'm a college student who wants to be a doctor, but I come from a lower class family with poor credit and I'm worried about being able to get more loans to cover the rest of my schooling. I read stories online and they seemed really amazing, but also too good to be true, so I decided to test it out myself and signed up for two different Sugar Daddy dating websites.
I tried them for around 6 months and I'm a pretty, intelligent girl, but all I got were a bunch of perverts and crazies. I met a few of them and they weren't willing to help me out at all unless I had sex with them FIRST and some of them wanted a "test drive". I didn't do it of course but, when I questioned them about how I knew they would hold up on their promise they always just said "You'll have to trust me". YEAH RIGHT! Who would fall for that? None of them were willing to help me at all unless sex was involved but then what's the difference between being a sugar baby and an escort? At least if the girls were escorts they would get paid first.
I even deleted my profile multiple times and made new ones with increasingly better photos and profile descriptions, sometimes I would even change my location to another town that I was willing to travel to that was a wealthier location. Still all I got were the same disgusting men trying to goad me into sex once or twice a week for a few hundred dollars at the end of the month.
I wound up getting really tired of it and quit. I didn't see any men who wanted to take their sugar babies on trips and certainly didn't see any men who supplied the kind of money and material goods that the stories online say Sugar Daddies are supposed to.
Often the men didn't even make more than 70k a year, which is barely enough to take care of two people let alone "luxuriously".
So is this really a thing or are the stories on Tumblr and the rest of the internet mostly just fake or from girls who don't realize they're escorts?
The Answer
Every time a young women comes on here asking about Sugar Babies, I tell her the same thing: It's just sex work. Don't go in blind and ignorant. Sex work is fine, but this is just sex work.
The vast majority of stories you read online are from girls who refuse to recognize or admit that they are sex workers.
Your experience is much more typical. Sugar Babies, like sex workers, don't always have sex with every client - sometimes a client is just looking for something else: companionship, friendship, or a some other sort of physical relationship that doesn't involve straight up sex. Those men do exist, but they are not the majority. The majority of men on these sites basically want to hire a prostitute, but are either uncomfortable doing so, or don't like the fact that serious sex workers have clear boundaries and set prices and wont take bullshit like 'test drives'. Also, a good sex worker tends to be at least as expensive, if not more so, than a Sugar Baby. Sugar Babies can also be easier to bully or con than experienced and serious sex workers, but they are just as powerless as sex workers to go to the cops if they are cheated.
Are some of the stories you read true? Probably, but they are truth filled in with exaggerations and outright lies. And of course, of course, she fucked him. She always fucked him.
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The Question
I'm at the legal age now. Isolated from what normal kids' normal life. I never had a boyfriend by choice but I had a girlfriend before. Average looking, average IQ, bullied a lot and called ugly a lot. I don't like anyone in my school though there are a lot of hot guys. I never went to a serious date. Never kissed anyone nor had sex. But I have a crush on a guy who I know likes me too.
He is so popular from other school. I've known him for 3 years. He is the team captain of their soccer team. Their team is included in the top 10 in the provincials. We hangout always. He sometimes takes me for a ride after my job. I sometimes drive to his school to ask him for lunch and he does the same too.
I once told him that I was so worried about my real orientation because Ive had a gf. He constantly tells me that I should look for a guy not a girl. He even told me "please never be a lesbian" which sounds kinda begging. He once told me that he trusts me more than his gf before. Then few months they broke up because of the girl who was cheating.
One time, I was so depressed because I wasn't able to attend our team's party because I came home late from my job. He called me and rushed to my home. He did my makeup (which actually so hilarious) and then drove me to the place. But my teammates made fun of me (iniciate a sexual act. Almost sucked my neck) so he rushed in and had a fight. I was thankful about what he did, after it we went to his rooftop, danced and then he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be my bf. I was so overwhelmed. But I refused because he is so popular and that I also don't want to get involved with his issues with his ex.
Days passed he messaged me if Im ready to accept his feelings but I just ignored him because at that time i don't love him. I just only like him. So 3 months passed we didn't talk. In the 1st week of 4th month I confessed that I love him so bad and Im sorry. He just replied with laughing emoji. I was hurt totally. Until my birthday last week he just greeted me, I opened a convo but told me he was too busy to talk with me. Now I realized I love him. I know he doesn't have a gf, I asked his sister. I love him so much. I wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to kiss him. I want him so bad. But Ive lost my chance. What should I do? I sorried a lot. Please help me. I love him so bad.
The Answer
Take a deep breath, and learn to let it go.
Seriously. This isn't hormones, and it probably isn't love. This is the Road Not Taken. This is a regret. The hardest relationships in you'll ever have to get over, are the ones that never really happen at all.
He may have been a friend in the past, but now he's been a cold-hearted asshole. He's perfectly aware of how much he may be hurting you, and that sucks. It's painful. It's okay that it is painful, but you have to start to let it go. It will take a long time, but when someone is that obvious cruel to you after you confess your feelings for them, the only sane thing to do it cry it out, and let it go.
You apologized and were honest. You did the best you could do in the situation. You can't fault yourself, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost, and that means working through the regret and disappointment, and letting go of this guy.
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The Question
This is somewhat complicated to explain so I'll try to be brief as I can while still being specific enough to get accurate advice. It might be really long and if it is I'm so sorry...but I'm using this as an outlet to get my thoughts straight and hopefully know what to do...
It would mean a lot if you read it all and even just your general thoughts or comments would be GREATLY welcomed and appreciated.
Okay so a little back story:
Anne has been a family friend since long before I was born, and the God Mother of my niece(who my parents are the guardians of). She didn't come around for years due to health and personal issues but about a year ago she started to visit again, and since my niece(who was having major behavioral problems) started doing better when she would visit there, and since Anna and her were so close when she was a toddler she started spending more and more time there until recently she has been mostly living there and she stays every other weekend here.
A few months ago I got caught drinking.
(Before you start saying "you shouldn't do that" and stuff, I acknowledge that and I regret it. I know this isn't an excuse but I really didn't intend to get drunk as I did, I hate getting to the point I can't control myself and have very few times but I understand I made a mistake and accepted my punishment. But I'll explain more later on)
A day or so after that my Mom had me tell Anne who had stopped by. So we went in my room and I told her what I did and she told me a lot of things she's done and if I had anything else in my room she'd get rid of it for me and that I could trust her.
So since I didn't have much other choice and she told me all these things about her, I started trusting her. I opened up to her and told her a lot of stuff I'd done, and we bonded and over the months and got really close. She started buying me alcohol occasionally, along with chewing tobacco and even other things(I would just like to clarify I have never done and never will do hard drugs).
She'd cover for me with my mom and would give me tips on how to cover myself.
I would go to her for advice,
(I told her things involving people I probably really shouldn't of told her and I regretted saying those things shortly after but I trusted her enough to at least not say anything especially since she was involved anyway.[alot of what I told her was while I was under the influence, but it's still not an excuse, I know...)
I didn't think of her as my most important person or anything(that spot is reserved for my best friend, Donna who I'll talk about later) but we were close enough and since Anna lived with us until I was 2 and she was so close to my older siblings, she said I was like a little sister to her and even asked me to be her child's GodMother(Though she later had a miscarriage...) She told me she'd never say anything about what I'd been doing unless she thought it was becoming a real problem to my health or something of the sort or I did something to try and take my niece away from her and I promised her I'd never intentionally do that.
I'd stay the night there sometimes, help out as much as I could, I drove her husband to work for her all the time, even worked for them with there summer long garage sale, but lately, I haven't been seeing her much since she got a job and I can only use my moms car.
But anyway since I got caught that one time, my mom had been really cracking down on me and constantly saying I smell like booze, going through my room occasionally and things like that and I would talk to her about my mom and she'd tell me things my mom (well, at least supposedly) said to her about me and how she thinks I'm into all these horrible drugs and she wants to take Donna away from me and stuff but with Anne I've noticed, as far as I knew she didn't lie but has a tendency to misunderstand/exaggerate some things so I would keep the things she said in thought but didn't think it was 100% with-out-a-doubt-true, especially knowing my mom. So all I really did was tell Donna who is pretty much involved in almost everything I do and I tell everything to(she even trusted Anna and opened up some to her, not as much as me though)
Now finally on to the present time:
Again, sorry for how long it is...
So about two or so weeks ago my mom said I couldn't use her car to take Amanda's husband to work anymore so I couldn't unless Anna gave me vehicle when her other car is fixed. And I've spoken to Anna only a couple times since then. Last I knew we were on good, normal terms.
(I would like to mention, that through the last few months Donna and as a result I have been doing a lot better in terms of drinking and such, we barely do it much at all anymore(at least compared to how we used to) and neither of us want anything to do with drugs or anything of the like and we were never big on smoking. And a lot of that had a lot to do with Donna staring to chew since it was better than what we were doing. And while I'm not as huge on it and since I can't much because I'm always home, I chew on occasion but not a ton)
But continuing on, a couple days ago I came home and my dad asked me why there were chew spitters in my room, I said they were Donna's, boyfriend's since he's 18, and they actually were his. And my dad started joking about it until he said "Anna said they were yours." And I was mad at first but then thought "okay, my mom probably asked her about it and she didn't know what to say" and messaged her asking about it since I wasn't sure if I can call since I don't know what ours she works. She never replied.
My mom started really lecturing me on it every chance she could get since then, and said "if I catch one more thing involving alcohol, drugs or tobacco you will be grounded till' you move out and you wont be seeing Donna if we have to move."
I just thought it was her just rubbing in my face, but today I was asking her about it since I could have sworn there were no spitters in my room.
And after a while she finally told me:
Anna had come while I was gone the other day and my mom mentioned wanting to go through my room since we have mice. Anna came with her and when one of them found the spitters Anna said it was mine (my mom keeps switching the story that she told both of them or just told my dad, but I heard it from my dad so) she said that I chew at Annas house, that Donna and I drank in my house when my parents were gone on vacation and Donna argued with her when she 'confronted us about it' (which really doesn't make sense since she was checking in on us and was checking in with my mom at the time so it looks bad for her to say that), she said I take "way too many sleeping pills" that the found in my room and some other things.
I was shocked to hear this to say the least, and was furious. I talked to my mom about it for over an hour and she said that she isn't really sure to believe the accusations because it does look really bad for Anna to say that and Anna was acting kinda strange. I was so frustrated my mom even started defending her saying it might be her new medication messing with her and she's really stressed lately, ect.
I calmed down and was just confused...
Half of it was true to some extent but the other half was a complete lie, especially the sleeping pills which honestly made me the most mad since they were Donna's from a while ago and I'd never even taken one before or mentioned them to Anna at all. And the whole 'argument with Donna' thing was literally made up to cover herself.
The only way I think she would do this is if she was really mad at me but I don't know what I could have possibly done to make her that mad. As she said, it would take me taking my niece from her, but I never did anything of the sort.
Unless it some sort of plan she's had for a while but I'm probably thinking too much...
My mom told me not to tell her she told me, but I said I had to ask her about it, at least the chew part since dad already told me and that way maybe she'd give me some answers. I messaged her again asking if she was mad at me, since she didn't reply to my other message and again my mom thought she was at work so couldn't call. I told my mom I would try to run to Anne's house tomorrow to see if she was home and try to ask her, before she says anything else.
It doesn't make sense at all. I can't think of anything I could have possibly done or any reason she'd do it if she wasn't completely furious at me. But the way my mom explained it, it definitely seemed she was out to get me and was extremely immature and sloppy, especially with how smart she is.
She left way to many holes in her story and with how random it was it just really looked bad for her, besides the fact that she knows I know a lot of stuff she does/has done and could tell my mom and if I really wanted to I could convince my mom to take my niece away. I really don't want to do that since I know how much they love and need each other, but I don't know what to say, because if I leave it or make her more mad she'll more than likely tell my mom more stuff, and all I can do is try to talk to her or threaten to tell my mom, but that would really piss her off and it would be an absolute last resort. And I also don't want to damage our relationship more than it already obviously is since now I can't trust her if she'll do this without talking to me first whenever she's mad at me.
I'd just tell my mom everything but if I do that she'd take Donna away and Donna needs me now more than ever with whats going on in her life, she comes first to me and I can't leave her, even if it means I have to lie or threaten Anna.
I really need advice or any comment that could help. Literally anything I don't know what to say or do to her. I hate the immature, dramatic situation she put me in and I know my actions partly caused it but I don't know how to deal with it without causing a ton more drama and/or making it worse.
I just can't lose Donna, I can't. She is the single most important person in my life, as I am to her. I just can't, especially not now...
The Answer
So, stop drinking and using tobacco. 100% stop. Even if Donna keeps on chewing, you have to stop, or you'll loose the trust your mother has placed in you.
Your mother actually has placed a lot of trust in you. She can already sense that Anna is being off and that this tattling behaviour is odd. You don't have to DO anything right now, except be perfect. If you are perfect, Anna looks crazier, and your mom realizes her trust in you was a good move, even if you had messed up in the past.
You don't need to lie or threaten Anna - that's a terrible idea, you have zero control over her - you just need to stop doing the things that will make your parents punish you further, and get rid of everything that you own that is related at all to those the chew or the drinks.
If you think your niece shouldn't be in Anna's care - if she is in danger or being abused or neglected - then you should speak to your mother about that. If it's not safe for the little one with Anna, you have a responsibility to speak up. The child's safety is more important than your freedom to see Donna.
But if the child and Anna are perfectly safe, then take a deep breath and let it go. Don't threaten Anna or your niece. That is never, ever an okay thing to do.
Every time you think about what to do next, remind yourself of this: Your niece's safety and happiness are more important than literally anything else. It's more important than you not getting punished, it's more important than Anna's feelings, it's more important than anything. If you do anything that make your niece's life harder or less safe, then that is the wrong thing to do.
Take a deep breath, and just stop breaking your mother's rules. Your mom is certain you've broken them in the past - and you have - but if you stop that entirely now, you may be able to repair and earn her trust. As for Anna, your best bet is to keep your distance. She isn't a friend. She's an adult who hurt you twice: Once by allowing you to do things she knew were against your parents rules, and then by betraying and lying to your parents about what she permitted and enabled you to do. If she is otherwise a competent mother, who is keeping her baby safe and healthy, then just let it go. Your anger with Anna is only going to lead you to make stupid, selfish mistakes.
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The Question
I'm 16 from Wisconsin, homeschooled.
My Mom is driving me insane, I love her but her strictness and constant yelling/ accusing is driving me nuts and I don't know how much more I can take before I blow up at her.
Anyway, I'm sixteen but I'm in 12th grade(did two grades in one year due to homeschooling) and I've heard that once you graduate you are considered an adult if you're seventeen, which I will be once I Graduate,but other people say you have to be 18.
I just want to know if I can move out then or if I have to wait until I'm eighteen.
Please let me know if you can, she's making me go to a tech college that I'm not sure I want to, accusing me of drugs and is super strict about everything and just knowing I have the option to leave in 9 months instead of a year and a half would be a huge relief.
The Answer
You are not 'considered an adult' when you graduate high school. People under 18 who move out to go to school or work have some leeway, but generally speaking, a 17 year old is still a minor.
However, once you've completed high school neither the state nor your parent has any say in what education - if any - you pursue. Your mother literally cannot make you go to a college you don't want too. She can scream and cry, but she doesn't actually have that authority. That is not her decision to make.
Emancipation may seem like a good idea, but it's actually a very difficult process. At 17, you can only legally rent and live someplace else only if you have a job, and are capable of supporting yourself (including food, health insurance, all those things), and are able to provide a reason to the court that you would be better off out of your parents home. "My mom's too strict" isn't going to be a good enough reason. Your home life will need to be found to be abusive.
If you leave home before 18, you'll be a runaway. With your mother's permission, you may go live with another family or friends, but without it, you are just a runaway, and anyone who takes you in could even face criminal penalties.
I know this sucks, but you need to stop thinking about when you get to leave, and think about where you are going too. Without a plan, you could end up on the streets. At 17 you'd have basically no ability to find a home for yourself. Getting out as fast as possible isn't your best option right now, your best option is plan the escape that will best set you up in the future. Running away at 17 is not going to be that path. You can runaway any day, but the moment you do your future life gets way, way more difficult to navigate.
If you are being abused, call the cops. If you don't want to go to the school she's chosen for you, tell her. Tell her loudly. Blow up on her - at least a bit. You are 17 and you are entitled to make certain decisions, like which college you go to. If your mother doesn't know that, then make some noise.
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The Question
Several months before I met my current partner, I made out with someone (let's call him Tom) who I later learned had chlamydia. I didn't think anything of it at the time, because I figured there was no way I could get oral chlamydia from making out with someone.
However, now that I am with someone else I am worried that I did, in fact, receive chlamydia from Tom. My logic is this; if Tom received chlamydia from a previous partner, it is probable that they have engaged in oral sex, during which he could have picked up oral chlamydia from the girl's genital chlamydia. Then I suppose it is possible that he could pass on the oral chlamydia to me through mouth to mouth contact, and then I could have passed it on to my current partner.
I haven't spoken to my current partner about this because I never even thought about this possibility until now (I have bad health anxiety and these thoughts come to me randomly). I don't know what to do. I'm really nervous and I'm not sure if it's even possible to get chlamydia through making out, much less what I should do. Any advice?
Thank you.
The Answer
You can't get chlamydia from making out. There is no such thing as 'oral' chlamydia. It's a bacteria that can only survive and thrive in cells in the genitals. You can catch it from oral sex, or other direct contact with the genitals of someone who is infected. The bacteria is not in an infected person's saliva, so it can't be spread that way.
Honestly tho, you may have reached that time in your life where regular STI checks are a good idea. There is no shame in that, and for a lot of people who have lives where they enjoy sex with different folks they date, regular screening is a sensible and respectful habit to get into. If you are in college or university, you probably have access to free screening. If not, a local planned parenthood or other sexual health clinic could help you access an STI test. It may seem freaky, but if you are at the stage in your life where you will be dating around, and have sexual contact with more than one person in a calendar year, then it's a normal part of a healthy life - like going to a dentist.
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The Question
Is it childish to be in college and to miss your parents, especially your mom? How do you handle that? Especially when you haven't been away from your mom for more than three days in YEARS. Like 16 or 17 years. My mom's not far away and I'm lucky because I'll never go more than a week without seeing her, but this still sucks. I'm excited about the good times I'm gonna have in the future, but still. I miss my dad too, but I'm used to being away from him (he travels a lot). Does anyone have any advice. Am I completely childish for missing my mom and dad at my age?
The Answer
I went to university at 17, and moved into res. It was such a shock that for the first few weeks I sat my stuff animal on the corner of the night stand and each time I left I told him where I was going and when I'd be back.
So, you are less crazy than me.
The answer your question, no. Not childish. Your life has gone through a major change. It's okay to miss the familiar and to love your family. It's great to have those close relationships with your parents. They probably miss you too.
But this is also a really exciting time in your relationship with your parents! You've got a chance now to start building an adult friendship with them as well as your parent-child relationship. There is more you can talk about, more you can share and relate to another. They get to watch you become an adult and you get to meet them - not just as your parents - but as adults.
It is sad to move from home. Change is always a bit sad, but there is a lot of good in it too. Make sure you don't loose sight of that.
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The Question
Ok I'm sort of the emo of the school along with a few other kids. I got labeled, I never called myself femo, I just dressed and acted the way I like. So now there is this annoying group of girls trying to get with us. If you look at their Instagrams they keep posting depressing pictures where they insult themselves and write "I'm emo." "I have myself because I'm emo." One girl thinks she's soooo emo because she listens to 5 seconds of summer. She also keeps asking me band names, and says she likes BVB (my favorite band) and apparently has been listening to them "since they formed in the 90's" I mean 1. None of us were BORN in the 90's 2. They released We Stich These Wounds in 2010. I told her that and she said,"oh well I know them." I asked her to name a member other than Andy Beirsack and she said,"well I only care about Andy." The others are doing it for attention. This one girl is actually genuine but she is rreeeaaaalllyyy egotistical with a "more emo than you" meanwhile she doesn't even actually listen to the bands she claims to and just looks up songs to name to seem like she knows what she's talking about. And then there's a stampede of annoying 6th graders (I'm in 7th) who think they know everything. Here's what someone said to me and my friends: "I think I'm emo. I mean I dress like it, I listen to the music, and I'm depressed and hate life and want to die." I mean, seriously, emo is not a mental disorder. And I'm pretty sure cutting off some hair except your side bangs, listening to dashboard confessional because "I saw (*insert emo boy*) who's really hot wearing a t shirt for it" and writing "Die" on your leg with sharpie (no joke I saw it with my own eyes) is emo. Me and my friends hang out with the goths and punks too and they have the same problem. So how do get these annoying idiots to leave us alone?
The Answer
You ask them to leave you alone.
The hate, the insults, the making fun of them that you are doing here - it's unnecessary and it's mean-spirited. Stop it. Just because you don't wear pink bows and frilly skirts doesn't mean you are incapable of acting like mean girls. Don't be mean girls.
If you don't want someone to hang around you, tell them so. Don't insult them, just tell them you aren't interested. Don't be nasty, or cruel, just say "Hey, you seem like you want to be my friend, and honestly, I'm not feeling it. I'm not interested in getting to know you better."
These girls are figuring themselves out. You don't have to like them, and you don't owe them your friendship, but you do owe them some basic respect and human decency. Tell them to back off, but stop wasting your time bitching about them. If you don't check yourself, you are on a path that'll turn you into bully.
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The Question
I'm 20 and wore braces four years ago that gave me a smile I'd always wanted. For years after I was told I had to wear a retainer to keep my teeth in the same place.
So I did, except about 6 months ago i lost it. I should have got to the orthodontists then to get a replacement-but was worried it'd not be on the NHS.
So now, six months on due to eating I have a hideously large gap between my front two teeth again and its causing me to cover my mouth when i smile. Like you could easily get a coin through there.
So is there any way without going to the orthodontists to get the gap reduced if not closed?
Thanks!
The Answer
No.
Dentistry is really, really, REALLY not something you can do without a professional.
Go back to the orthodontist and just be honest - like any doctor, they can help you best when you are honest. If you leave it too long, there might not be much they can do. So go ASAP and you'll at least be able to get the information you need to make a decision.
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The Question
I don't really know where to begin but i am going to start off by saying i am a 26 year old femaleand awhile back I moved in with my cousin and i think it might have been the biggest mistake I ever made in my life becaus a sonreally who has autisim who is 24black but has the mind of a 2 year old and he is really attached to me ge follows me everywhere. I can't even go to the bathroom without him wanting to know where i am going. I talked to my cousin and explained to jer that I get nervous easily and have panick attacks and just need time to myself amd she wont speak to me .She said that I was mistreating him because I kept avoiding him because I needed a break and I don't want her to be mad at me but I can't even watch a movie in my room without him pitching a fit so I moved in with my mom and now she hates me what should I do?
The Answer
You have a right to try and find the living situation where you feel safe and comfortable. Your aunt shouldn't be angry with you for leaving, that was the right move.
Truth is, in your discomfort and your inexperience addressing someone with his limits you probably were unkind to your cousin. Now that you have a safe space to go home to, maybe you should make some time for your cousin and watch a movie or have dinner with thier family. He cares for you, and with some boundaries in place, hopefully you can return some of that affection.
As for your aunt, you could try thanking her for letting you stay. Write her a letter or email and sincerely thank her for welcoming you into her home. DON'T complain about her son, ONLY thank her. For that much, she is owed thanks, even tho it didn't work out. It could go a long way towards a better relationship in the future.
You entered that home as an adult person, and you couldn't handle the child in that home - and he will always be a child in that home - with understanding and patience. That okay - it's okay that you couldn't manage that - but you must recognize that your inability may have hurt both your aunt and him. It's a tough situation for them both, and another adult could have added happiness and made it easier, instead it sounds like they both felt rejected and unloved. You need to find ways to tell them you do care for them as family, even tho living with them was a bad idea.
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The Question
I had previously been placed on academic dismissal from a graduate program, but had gotten permission to withdraw from the university, and now I have a grade of "W" on my transcript (where i had hoped I could just drop the class and not have it appear on my record).
How would this look to other universities, in case I decide to apply to different programs at a future date?
The Answer
A pattern of withdrawals looks bad, one withdrawn class on your record would generally not be a big deal. If it was a class that was central to your studies it may raise some eyebrows, but generally a single W isn't a big deal.
You are more likely to face questions about why you stopped your studies, then why you ended up with a single W. The W is just a part of that bigger question they will probably have for you.
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The Question
I want to kiss my friend. We are both females. I've never kissed anyone before. I'm sixteen. I've only begun to question my sexuality this summer. What should I do? Kiss her, even though I'm almost certain she's straight? I don't want to ruin our friendship. Another friend we hang out with knows I may have feelings for this girl. I don't want to ruin this dynamic, but sometimes I look at this girl and want to kiss her more than I've wanted to kiss anyone.
The Answer
You shouldn't kiss anyone who doesn't want to be kissed, you should always do your due diligence. In a case like this, where there is confusion and a friendship, that means asking.
A kiss should be both people's choice, so if you really want to pursue this, you'll need to speak to her, not grab at her.
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The Question
When I first started at the college I'm currently enrolled at they told me the total cost of my tuition for 2 years would be around 22k. I took out a loan to cover the first year of $10,500 and then I also had two stafford loans that were around $5k together, so all together I had 15.5k out in loans.
Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months in and they've somehow used up ALL OF MY LOANS and they're saying that I'm only financially covered through the end of the next three weeks (or this quarter of classes). To make things even crazier I've only taken three classes at the campus and the rest were online. So they've charged me $15,500 for only 4 months of schooling and of course they don't accept scholarships.
Now I'm going to have to take out another loan and idk where I'm going to get it from because none of my family members have high enough credit to co-sign. I'm 21 so I don't really have any credit and can't get approved for a loan on my own. Somehow I'll have to figure something out.
Anyways, I live in a super small town but I have a good part time job here that works with my school schedule. I'm currently living with a family member and I really want to move out because they're driving me crazy, but I can't find a job here that will pay me enough that I can live on my own and works with my school schedule. It seems like this town and school will only lead me to financial ruin.
So what I was thinking of doing was applying at a college in another town where I can dorm (I also don't have any other family I can stay with because they all have other responsibilities), that's in a large city with a good job market, allows for scholarships and that isn't so crazy expensive.
Does this seem practical? I don't know what else to do. There's only one college in my current town and I can't drop out and go back later because my payments will come due in six months if I do that.
The Answer
Yes, I think the dorm situation where your scholarships will be accepted is a good idea.
However, is there anyone you can speak too about the fact you were misled about the cost of college? It's a huge, terrible problem for that to have happened. It's one thing if you misunderstood - that sucks and that can happen - but if you were mislead, that's could be criminal on the part of the school, and that needs to be addressed.
I'd strongly recommend you speak to a student advocate organization in your state, or a representative or senator in your area and ask for assistance in figuring out why your education suddenly costs more than four times what you were told it would. I wouldn't just let that go if I were you. It's really awful for a school to miscommunicate about tuition cost.
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The Question
My daughter who is 12 has recently gotten into the emo music, and it led to her dresssing in black, and being more introverted, and she seems sadder. And now she wears her hair to the side covering an eye and she asked the hair styler to layer her hair and "thin out the ends 3-4 inches" which I found was the emo haircut. Her friends are also starting to pick to pick up on it and dressing in black and acting darker. I looked it up and found out it was a cult and the such....what do I do to stop it?
The Answer
It's not a cult.
Anymore than being a member of drama club or the football team is a cult. It's just a subculture of music and fashion that many, many teenagers gravitate to. Many of the adults you meet everyday were 'emo' in high school. It's not that abnormal, and it's doesn't mean there is a problem.
Here is a much more balanced explanation of what emo is, rather than those absurd, click-baiting articles:
http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/should-worried-teen-emo-3793.html
Your daughter isn't going to be able to take you seriously if you believe it's a cult - and she'd be right to think you have no idea what you are talking about! You can't understand subcultures by googling them and then freaking out because the Daily Mail said something stupid and scary. That's not reasonable or respectful of your daughter.
The best thing you can do is talk to her about what she's attracted too about it. Being introverted is not a crime, and if she is finding people she is connecting with and feels safe and respected, that is not necessarily a bad thing. If she is depressed, that is something separate that you need to speak to her about - not by attacking the way she choosing to dress - but by being present and listening to her, and taking her concerns seriously.
What can you do to stop it? You shouldn't do much of anything to stop her from dressing however she wants, so long as she meets dress-codes and isn't running about naked. She's 12 and she's ready to have that judgement be her own. If you try to take it away from her, she will view you as the enemy.
Whether your daughter is wearing black or rainbows, what she needs from you now is for you to listen to her reasons and her ideas, and not freak out because your read something crazy online. She needs your respect. She needs you take her seriously, not take her clothes seriously.
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The Question
A year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend which is now my ex because I just didnt feel like being in a relationship yet. Now, a month ago I was invited to my friends birthday party. While I was there one of my best friends started talking about my ex and how he was a 'player' to all the people there(Got rejected 3 times). 2 months after the party, my ex texted me on how 'mean I was' because apparently I 'called him a player'. Then he ranted on why he agreed to break up and how 'bad' I was. He's nice and all but he just lashed out at me. What do I do?
The Answer
Ignore it.
You didn't call him a player, someone else said it to you. He was embarrassed and angry. It sucks that he lashed out at you, but if you've had basically no other contact with him then just take a deep breath and let it go.
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The Question
Hi,
I'm Taylor and I'm a sophomore in high school. I have a boyfriend and I've known him for over a year. We started as best friends and then we fell in love and now we're dating. He makes me so happy and we share a lot in common. He understands my depression unlike any other guy, he's sweet, caring, he looks out for me and he means so much to me. My biggest issue is though...he's biracial. I don't see why my dad is so fucking judgmental of his skin color. He calls him ugly, and a nigger (even though he's actually not fully black he actually looks more white then he does black). Last night, I had a bad day at school. I was on the phone with my friend Haleigh , my dad found out about me dating AJ and he snapped...he said things like "my shit looks better than that ugly nigger" , "you only hang with your friends so you can hang with him, I saw on Facebook" , "you lied to me about your feelings (which in fact I fucking didn't, I told him we were friends a month prior but things have changed since then), he said he doesn't want zebra babies for grandchildren, "you're a princess and he's a frog", and more other hurtful things. My mom said that if AJ leaves me, no white guy will want to date me because I dated a half black guy. I just don't fucking understand why my dad is so fucking judgmental of race, he judges the outside but not the inside and it hurts me very much. After me being upset with school, and then my dad getting into me about something I can control, it was unnecessary. After he found out I was dating a biracial guy , my dad said "I'm no longer his daughter and to not say shit to him and that my boyfriend had mental issues". (Which in this case, no we both have depression and we support each other) I've already lost so much. It hurts me. Later that night, my boyfriend and I talked about what happened on the phone. We talked about the things my dad said and my boyfriend said that I shouldn't let my dad get to me that way , and I agreed. I spent a lot of time crying over my dad yelling at me. I still love my dad, but I don't know anymore honestly...what can I do to get him to fucking realize that my boyfriend is a good person even though he thinks he's "ugly". Please help...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. And God bless.
The Answer
The heartbreaking truth is that there is probably nothing you can say to your Dad that will change his mind, or lead him to sense on the subject of race.
He's a hateful bigot - that's not a reasonable position that he can simply be spoken to rationally and talked out of - it's an emotion based hatred. No matter how smart or kind or handsome your boyfriend is, your dad will still call him stupid, evil and ugly. Like a small child throwing a tantrum because they can do something stupid and mean - like shove a classmate or throw stones at a dog - they aren't going to listen to the reasons the tantrum is silly and wrong.
Of course you still love your dad, and I'm sure he still loves you, but you can't fix this horrible thing about him. This horrible thing will probably NEVER be fixed. It's very sad, but very, very true.
You can only focus on living your life in the way most likely to make you happy, with respect for all people. Your parents are both wrong. Hatefully and totally wrong, and living with that kind of wrong and hate can be hard, but the very best thing you can do is show them what living your life without that hate is like.
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The Question
One day at the animal shelter where I work, I met this very nice boy who immediately asked me out. WE agreed to take our dogs out the next day and get to know each other better. I was hoping that this boy would be someone I could have a relationship with, but it turns out that he only asked me out for sex. I text him saying I can't talk or text him anymore if that was the case, but he says that he would still like for me to text him. Should I do it?
The Answer
No.
If he was clear and honest and said he'd like to have sex, thats a good thing for him to talk about. It's a decent thing for a guy to just say straight up that is interested in sex and not relationships.
If you've been clear and honest that that doesn't work for you, that you don't want to hang around with someone who wants to have sex with you, but not a relationship, then you need to follow that up with your actions and not speak to him anymore.
Men are dumb about this, and our culture encourages their ignorance when it comes to women who say 'No'. So if you mean 'No' you also have to live by that 'No' and not suggest to him that your No might magically turn into a Yes if he just keeps on texting back and forth with you.
Neither of you should be imagining that the other person might change their mind and give you what you want. That is crazy, and disrespectful. You should both be honest, and assume that the other has been honest with you.
It would be different if he had said "Oh, that okay if you are interested sexually, let's just be friends." but that isn't what he said, is it?
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The Question
My parents would go out with their friends at night while I was little. The eldest son of their friends was paid to babysit my sister and I while they were out. I never liked him. He would usually throw my toys out the window or lock me outside the apartment. I told my parents and they did nothing. Even though it's been over 12 years since I never forgave them for ignoring things like that. But there was more than that. I never told them that the babysitter would kiss me a lot and even tried to cuddle me in my sister's bed. Since this happened over a decade ago I feel that my parents would treat it like an issue that's not important anymore. They've done that before when I told them about the other behaviors of the babysitter. He lives in another country now and my family has no contact with him or his family.
Is what I had to put up with considered abuse? If so, what should I do about it now?
The Answer
A teenager fondling a young child would be a criminal act - not necessarily child abuse - but a criminal act.
Your parents could have, perhaps, been found to act inappropriately in allowing this teenager to babysit you, but also perhaps not. It's impossible to say so many years later if a judge would have felt about your parents were being reasonable and responsible to trust this teen, or if they had enough reason not too, and their leaving him with you was negligent on their part.
I'd really recommend you talk to a therapist about what you went through. If you want to do anything now, even speak to your parents about what happened, a therapist can help advise you and guide you through those conversations and their fallout. It's unlikely that there can be any consequences for him, or your parents, all these years later. The most important thing is to be happy and healthy yourself.
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The Question
So I'm 21 and I'm looking for a serious relationship and have just recently started dating. I work as a nanny so obviously I can't meet men at my job and the field I'm in for college is female dominated.
I've been trying to find some nice guys online through dating sites, but I just don't seem to be attracting the right guys. A little about me is: I'm not bragging but I've been told I'm very beautiful, I live a healthy life, don't party, I have my own car, I work and I'm in a good field for college. I was raised with good morals, I'm very respectful, soft spoken and an optimist. I have a lot of hobbies like cooking and can have fun doing almost anything.
I'm looking for I guess what's known as a "hipster" guy. I like respectful chivalrous men who wear classy vintage style clothing with their hair slicked back or styled. I want somebody who likes to go on road trips, enjoys comedy clubs, live jazz music, good food and who has an interest in art, photography, reading and who likes things like old classic cars, oxfords and victorian homes or buildings. A good job and an education would be nice too.
All I keep finding though is these guys who lie about who they are, are disrespectful and looking for an easy girl or men who are going nowhere in there lives and their only interests are video games and getting stoned.
When I say they lie about who they are I mean they portray themselves in one way online and then when I get to know them I find out they don't really have any of the interests they say they do and just use those interests to lure girls into liking them. Often these guys seem to just want to sit at home all the time and I'm not really into that.
What are some ways I can make it more obvious what I'm looking for on dating profiles without sounding like I'm being very picky or stuck up?
The Answer
Making what you want 'more obvious' is not going to help you much.
You are up against two big factors: You are young. Very young, for the online dating world in fact, and the guys you are looking to date are also likely to be young. Their interests may be passing and shallow, but most are not lying to you. They simply don't know much about themselves or other people, and are ill-equipped to tell you the truth about who they are. They don't know who they are yet.
You are also up against the fact that you are not that special. You might be lovely and smart and interesting, but there are lots of lovely and smart and interesting young women around your age, with solid education plans and plenty of hobbies - far more young women like that then young men who appeal to them. Demographically, young men are spoilt for choice when they are looking for educated young women in their 20s. If we called dating a buyers market, then you are a seller. You are simply, demographically, likely at a disadvantage at this point in your life. If you are in an urban centre, or a university city, you are probably even more disadvantaged. Guys who want to get laid, can afford to shop around. There are plenty of fish for them - right now. There aren't as many catches for you.
You may also be using the wrong sort of dating app for your desires. Each site and app has their own niche and attracts different kinds of people. I usually advise my friends to try all sorts of different websites for a few weeks before settling on the one that best matches what they are looking for and how they want to connect with others.
Finally, you need to consider making the first move, and contacting the guys you see on the site who interest you. Remember: There are more women who would be good matches for them then there are men who will be a good match for you. When you see one, be friendly and say hello. If you sit back and wait for one of them to decide they prefer you over all the other lovely educated young women, you might be waiting a damn long time.
But in the end, you are probably perfectly clear about what you are looking for. You are perfectly clear in expressing yourself in your question here. What you will learn is how to better detect bullshit, and what things actually matter to you when looking for a partner. That can only come with experience and exposure. Nothing you do will make you immune to players, or bad dates, straight up assholes or just a lousy match. Nothing is going to make it so guys who have no idea who they are don't contact you. Slowly, you will learn how to avoid them, and hopefully you'll get some funny stories along the way.
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