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How do I find the kind of men who have these interests?
So I'm 21 and I'm looking for a serious relationship and have just recently started dating. I work as a nanny so obviously I can't meet men at my job and the field I'm in for college is female dominated.
I've been trying to find some nice guys online through dating sites, but I just don't seem to be attracting the right guys. A little about me is: I'm not bragging but I've been told I'm very beautiful, I live a healthy life, don't party, I have my own car, I work and I'm in a good field for college. I was raised with good morals, I'm very respectful, soft spoken and an optimist. I have a lot of hobbies like cooking and can have fun doing almost anything.
I'm looking for I guess what's known as a "hipster" guy. I like respectful chivalrous men who wear classy vintage style clothing with their hair slicked back or styled. I want somebody who likes to go on road trips, enjoys comedy clubs, live jazz music, good food and who has an interest in art, photography, reading and who likes things like old classic cars, oxfords and victorian homes or buildings. A good job and an education would be nice too.
All I keep finding though is these guys who lie about who they are, are disrespectful and looking for an easy girl or men who are going nowhere in there lives and their only interests are video games and getting stoned.
When I say they lie about who they are I mean they portray themselves in one way online and then when I get to know them I find out they don't really have any of the interests they say they do and just use those interests to lure girls into liking them. Often these guys seem to just want to sit at home all the time and I'm not really into that.
What are some ways I can make it more obvious what I'm looking for on dating profiles without sounding like I'm being very picky or stuck up?
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At your age, guys in that age range mostly aren't serious yet, not mature, not looking to settle down or even date a girl with the intent to marry if he finds the right one. So its already a losing battle unless you are willing to consider guys maybe in their late 20's. Even then, its hard to find a guy who is really mature and ready. But they are out there. I used dating profiles and found my 2nd husband that way. Even so, I literally had hundreds of men write me, went out to meet dozens of them, at least those who seemed promising on line but even at the age range of 40s and 50s mostly, I still meet a lot of frogs instead of my prince and was getting very frustrated. However, I still believed that this hunting for the needle in the haystack was going to be so much more narrowed down by using dating sites. What i did is give a thorough bio of me, what I am like and it wasn't all just about hobbies. But I also put a bit about what I was looking for in a guy. I described much as you did what you are looking for in a guy. But I could put that all out there, I needed to know what my actual needs and wants were. What you have said you are looking for sounds to me like wants compared to needs. Here let me explain.
A need is something that is not negotiable to you. If he doesnt have it, thats a deal breaker. I wanted a man who doesnt smoke as I am allergic to cigarette smoke. If he was a smoker, that was a deal breaker becausse I was not going to make a guy force himself to go thru the quitting process just to get me and maybe relapse later and then we have a problem. I had a bad first marriage where one of the problems were that we werent sexually compatible. At the age range I was looking at, I wanted a guy who had a high libido and was not a selfish lover, making it all about him as the last one did. So I did mention I was looking for my sexual equal and that was important. However I wasn't in menopause yet and didn't want anymore kids and Dr said I was too close to menopause that surgery for tube tied wouldnt be approved and I'd tried the pill but the hormones gave me major problems so I wanted a guy who had a vasectomy or was willing to get one.
Yup, thats a big issue to some guys and I got flack over that, over my no smokers and over some other things that would be deal breakers for me. You probably want kids someday. If a guy comes from a big family and hates kids and wants nothing to do with ever having one, then you are already at odds, there is no compromise. Thats your deal breaker. I had a list of about 7 things that were deal breakers for me. I didnt list no drug addicts, alcoholics or gamblers as it was alot less likely a guy like that was looking on a dating site for a girl but if it turned out so, it would be a deal breaker also.
Yes, I got some guys angry at me. I never responded to them. Others wrote and said they appreciated finding a gal who knew what she wanted and wasnt afraid to ask for it. Since then, I've read some things about attraction and the role self confidence plays in it. There were tests done to confirm this too...a guy when meeting a model type with low self esteem, needy, drama queen, versus the average looking girl with self confidence, always went for the average looking girl because mature men tend to find self confidence very sexy in a female. You may need to adjust a little of whats in your profile. But you;ll still turn off lots of guys and thats good, as you've just eliminated the immature guys who aren't ready to commit and possibly those who have low self confidence to boot and have anger problems, are controller or plain old jerks if they commit rudely to you for your profile set up like that.
I did mention Needs. The wants list is just the icing on the cake. A preference, something that would be wonderful if it were so but not necessary. And so its not a deal breaker. One for me was a guy who either had long hair as I love that, but I was also willing to be with a guy who has a totally shaved head. the only thing I don't like is the ring of hair and balding on top which makes the guy look older and reminds me of my dad. Not dating someone that has something that reminds me of Dad. I had a 'want' of a guy who is a dancer. Didnt get that but am able to live without it. Not a matter of him getting lessons, he is highly functioning autistic but those autistic tendencies make it mentally painful for him to enjoy music and move to it and the beat at the same time. He can't handle it. I am okay with that. YOu may have lots more questions and I'd be willing to help you with the profile more. I still think in your case, if looking for a guy, to just stick with it. It was at the point that I prayed to God saying this isnt working. I want a man who will be loving and supportive, mature, intelligent, etc and if i cant have that in a human man, I'm even willing to take an alien from another planet. Yes, I got that desperate. Then my husband wrote. I knew there was a big difference between him and any guy I'd met with to date. I moved in with him a month later and married 2 mos after that. So it is possible. Let me know if I can be of more help by writing to me from my column.
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Making what you want 'more obvious' is not going to help you much.
You are up against two big factors: You are young. Very young, for the online dating world in fact, and the guys you are looking to date are also likely to be young. Their interests may be passing and shallow, but most are not lying to you. They simply don't know much about themselves or other people, and are ill-equipped to tell you the truth about who they are. They don't know who they are yet.
You are also up against the fact that you are not that special. You might be lovely and smart and interesting, but there are lots of lovely and smart and interesting young women around your age, with solid education plans and plenty of hobbies - far more young women like that then young men who appeal to them. Demographically, young men are spoilt for choice when they are looking for educated young women in their 20s. If we called dating a buyers market, then you are a seller. You are simply, demographically, likely at a disadvantage at this point in your life. If you are in an urban centre, or a university city, you are probably even more disadvantaged. Guys who want to get laid, can afford to shop around. There are plenty of fish for them - right now. There aren't as many catches for you.
You may also be using the wrong sort of dating app for your desires. Each site and app has their own niche and attracts different kinds of people. I usually advise my friends to try all sorts of different websites for a few weeks before settling on the one that best matches what they are looking for and how they want to connect with others.
Finally, you need to consider making the first move, and contacting the guys you see on the site who interest you. Remember: There are more women who would be good matches for them then there are men who will be a good match for you. When you see one, be friendly and say hello. If you sit back and wait for one of them to decide they prefer you over all the other lovely educated young women, you might be waiting a damn long time.
But in the end, you are probably perfectly clear about what you are looking for. You are perfectly clear in expressing yourself in your question here. What you will learn is how to better detect bullshit, and what things actually matter to you when looking for a partner. That can only come with experience and exposure. Nothing you do will make you immune to players, or bad dates, straight up assholes or just a lousy match. Nothing is going to make it so guys who have no idea who they are don't contact you. Slowly, you will learn how to avoid them, and hopefully you'll get some funny stories along the way.
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