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Confused about my nationality
To begin with, I want to say three things:
1. This question is going have too long of a description.
2. I don't want to consult a psychiatrist. I want advice specifically from North Americans as it is a matter between them and me.
3. I am from India and I don't think that it should have been that way.
As I said, I was born in North India and that's where the problem really starts.
I am a male and I have been born into a Hindu family (Hinduism is a religion). I have been educated in a Roman Catholic school. It was a nice school but I didn't make friends there. I am 20 now. Right now I am pursuing Computer science in a random college in India. I have been open to few different cultures and religions ranging from Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, North America, United Kingdom, Spain, China, Japan etc. But I get nostalgic and emotional when it comes to North America.
And for the last few months I have been disturbed.
Before I start flowing into emotions here's the question: Is the following feeling justified in any way to be normal ?
I have started to see America as my place and Americans as my family. I don't know how many of you will actually welcome this thought of mine, but that's really what I have been thinking about lately and it has been confusing me much like an identity crisis a refugee would have to go through. I was never so much attached to any other country or to any other culture in my life. As I said, I have exposed myself to many different cultures, I have gone deep into studying the religion of my country, I have learnt Urdu and Spanish all by myself, I have been born into a nation which is very much obsessed with British culture (mostly because of colonial rule), but I have never felt connected to any of these things. I have always felt connected to America, to its culture, to everything. I have started listening to folk songs and I love them. When I hear about the history of the constitution of America, when the declaration of Independence was signed by the founding fathers, I get emotional as if I was an American. I do not hate my country. I know many people sacrificed their lives to make India independent but I just can't connect to it. I am not an emotional person, but whenever I see videos of junior highs or high schools of America, I feel like I missed the opportunity of being there. The chairs, the classrooms, the lockers, it all makes me feel like I have lived it. I never feel the same way for my school even if I have actually been to an Indian school and not an American school. Why do I feel so much about a place and a culture that I am not a part of,so much that I want to immigrate to America permanently - not as an Indian American but as an American. I don't have any grudge with my country or it's people, but it's just that I feel home when I think about America. And I know that it is not because America is a developed country and that I hail from a third world country, that I don't get as much freedom in my country as Americans do in America. I understand that difference very clearly. It's not a monetary but an emotional connection. Every culture is great and I respect that, but I think that I am an American at heart. I have always felt that. I don't know how many would be able to relate to it, but I would obviously love to die if that would mean being born again as an American among my people. Please don't see me as an intruder. I know many Americans don't entertain the idea of immigration and I can understand that. But I am like you. I am a part of America.
And the other part of the question:
Coming from a third world country will I be able to "fit into" the social circle, because I am really looking forward to coming to America after my studies get over. I am working very hard.
PS: To make things clear, I know people who want to come to America because it would provide them more opportunities and they would be able to earn in dollars. But that is not my case. I love America as my home, not as a money making machine.
I really want to know if I am on the correct path and making the right decision by making this big change. We have to accept, changing a country willingly, whatever be the reason, is a tough decision in a man's live. There are many things I know about America which aren't very pleasant. Everything in America is not a bed of roses. Life is tough there, there are crimes, laws are cruel sometimes, some people are too insane, some places are very dangerous. I know all that. But I love the way it is. In spite of all that, I feel I have a family there. I don't know the reason why all this has happened to me. Maybe you can figure it out.
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Razhie had good points about how you might be accepted. Due to much publicity about terrorism, and many very uninformed or unknowing or bigoted people, just for your darker skin color, you could easily be looked at as if you were a terrorist. When scared or plain stupid, people dont stop to think you might be from Ethiopia or Afghanistan, or India or Iran, Iraq or Saudi Arabia.
Not that I have heard of any gangs going out seeking out people of darker skin, but racism and preferences to white people still exist as I witnessed in a restaurant to a black couple and what happened to a black girlfriend. Still America is a melting pot of many different races. Some areas have bigger settlements of hispanics, blacks, slavic originating, and asian. So when the time comes to move here, do the research ahead to see where across the US there are towns or cities with a high concentration or at least larger than average group of citizens of East Indian background.
As for why you feel this way, I think many people find they have a feeling of affinity for or at least a yearning to visit a certain country and feel drawn to it more sometimes than where they were born. For me, it is the UK, for one of my daughters, Japan would be it. I have no good explanation that I can use to prove why. However I do believe your religion hinduism and many others believe in reincarnation. That is the only explanation I have that makes sense to me for myself, that I may have lived several past lives in areas of the UK, especially Ireland, Wales and Scotland. Our soul forgets much of past lives but some of those preference i think just may stick with us, or odd memories that we have no logical reason for. SO for you, coming to live in America, may just be like a journey back home for your soul to a place it knows from before.
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You can't control how people in North America will perceive you.
You will be seen as Indian. You will be seen, by many people, as an immigrant. Some people will also embrace you fully as an American - as well as still seeing you, as someone of Indian decent. Some people will not. Sometimes, you will be called an intruder, or made to feel like one.
None of this is under your control. Frankly, if you have traveled and meet many people on this planet, you should be able to understand that much of what a person is SEEN TO BE is completely out of their control.
If you come to America, and become an American citizen, there will be days and there will be people, who talk about you as though you are less than completely American. Hopefully, there wont be many. Depending on where in America you end up living, there could be more or less. America is a very large place, with huge regional differences in culture and language and attitudes towards others. In some places you will find a warmer welcome than others, but there is really no place where you wont encounter some racism and xenophobia.
If you want to love and embrace America as your home, that's wonderful and you should do that for you. If you only can love a country if that country always 100% loves you back all the time, then you are shit out of luck. No country works that way. Not America, not any other country that has ever existed, and probably not any country that will exist, for a very, very long time. There is racism, xenophobia, tribalism, classism, colourism, in all places. If you want to move to America, you need to have the strength of your convictions to accept that as one of America's imperfections, and to face it with dignity. If you can only be happy if everyone in your country accepts you fully, you will probably never be happy.
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