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I can't control my hormones
I'm at the legal age now. Isolated from what normal kids' normal life. I never had a boyfriend by choice but I had a girlfriend before. Average looking, average IQ, bullied a lot and called ugly a lot. I don't like anyone in my school though there are a lot of hot guys. I never went to a serious date. Never kissed anyone nor had sex. But I have a crush on a guy who I know likes me too.
He is so popular from other school. I've known him for 3 years. He is the team captain of their soccer team. Their team is included in the top 10 in the provincials. We hangout always. He sometimes takes me for a ride after my job. I sometimes drive to his school to ask him for lunch and he does the same too.
I once told him that I was so worried about my real orientation because Ive had a gf. He constantly tells me that I should look for a guy not a girl. He even told me "please never be a lesbian" which sounds kinda begging. He once told me that he trusts me more than his gf before. Then few months they broke up because of the girl who was cheating.
One time, I was so depressed because I wasn't able to attend our team's party because I came home late from my job. He called me and rushed to my home. He did my makeup (which actually so hilarious) and then drove me to the place. But my teammates made fun of me (iniciate a sexual act. Almost sucked my neck) so he rushed in and had a fight. I was thankful about what he did, after it we went to his rooftop, danced and then he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be my bf. I was so overwhelmed. But I refused because he is so popular and that I also don't want to get involved with his issues with his ex.
Days passed he messaged me if Im ready to accept his feelings but I just ignored him because at that time i don't love him. I just only like him. So 3 months passed we didn't talk. In the 1st week of 4th month I confessed that I love him so bad and Im sorry. He just replied with laughing emoji. I was hurt totally. Until my birthday last week he just greeted me, I opened a convo but told me he was too busy to talk with me. Now I realized I love him. I know he doesn't have a gf, I asked his sister. I love him so much. I wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to kiss him. I want him so bad. But Ive lost my chance. What should I do? I sorried a lot. Please help me. I love him so bad.
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Sounds to me like he was badly hurt by your refusal to become his girlfriend, and may be trying to hurt you back so you know what it feels like. If so, this is an immature move but since the frontal cortex of the brain isn't done maturing until the mid 20's, really any time before or around then can still be a struggle to say and do the right things, not looking at the consequences. the actions of your classmates in how they treat you is very immature so if you're both of the same age range, I guess that kindof explains why poor actions and choices are being made.
What I see here is a guy who was treating you as a best friend and along the line developed feelings for you. The most successful relationship are based on those who are each others best friend and also are a very good sexual match.
Looks like you had the friendship part down. Your reaction to him, not wanting to get involved because he is so popular? What did you think, that he was being nice to you to just get into your pants so you refused him cus he is popular and popular guys can't be nice, be trusted, or what? Heck, If I was only a girlfriend who was that kind of real good friend and you told me you didn't want to be around me anymore cus I am popular and I had problems with an ex friend, I would have thought, You're joking right? Pulling my leg, cus you can't seriously mean that!
I can easily see how he was devastated.
Now I know that with 2 people of opposite sex who are best friends, that it happens where one developes romantic feelings but the other never does, see's their friend more along the lines of brother/sister, nothing more.
However, there is also another problem. Often it is with the girl, who is expecting that she will know something is real love if its love at first sight or early on having the hots for each other. But some loves grow slowly over time from a small ember to a flame to a blazing fire. The girl has trouble seeing that she is in love with the male friend because she's looking for a blazing fire or something else to fall in place. So the guy ignores her or starts dating someone else and has no time for her anymore and now she feels abandoned, left over and has these strange feelings of loss and cant stop thinking about the guy, feeling sad, etc.
I have had to tell the girl to think hard about her feelings as it might be likely if she was feeling jealous that she is actually in love with the guy.
Or both are afraid to share their feelings in case the other doesnt feel the same cus they feel it would ruin their friendship, they break up as friends and never see each other again, which neither wants to have happen so two people in love never take the chance and say anything.
As for your sexual orientation, you'd kind of know without being in any relationship if you are strictly sexually attracted to only females, only males, or both. Its ok to like both and many who do have husbands who understand and are okay with the wife have a female lover on the side. That isnt your foremost issue. You need to decide if he is really just a friend and feels like a brother or if he is your best friend, someone you enjoy so much that you can't imagine him not being in your life, like if he died in a car accident tomorrow. Of course we all go thru grieving in time. But will it feel like you just lost a friend, or lost a potential partner/mate?
I don't understand how 3 months could pass where neither of you talked. Apparently, neither knows much communication skills, or how to be humble and ask for forgiveness, not of your personal stance or feelings but for how you reacted and handled the situation which i must say you both did poorly at different points. But hey, life is all about learning and most often its thru mistakes and learning to do different, do better. Doing nothing, doesnt help each other.
Trying to start an online chat, send a text or letter is not the way to repair a great misunderstanding between two friends, It needs to happen face to face. You know where he lives. Whats stopping you from showing up on his doorstep saying you want to talk, and discuss what went wrong, not that he is in love with you but you need to bring out the thoughts you were having. In life, its always going to be our negative thoughts that mislead us, or have us believing things that aren't true, or self defeating in nature. Its not often the other person but one self who is the greatest problem. He isn't a mind reader. If you want to see if theres a chance to getting back together, someone has to make the first step, might as well be you. Depending on how he responds and acts and if he sharees from his heart too what he was thinking and apologizes for his behavior, then you will know he is not the right man to be in any kind of relationship with, walk away, never look back or regret. But do tell what your fears and concerns were or still are. My husband and I are always sharing something we are thinking, planning, how we interpreted some experiences, and if we didn't do that, there would be soooo much in our marriage that we are missing in opportunities, growing together and experiencing wonderful new things. I cant say enough how important it is to share like that but then you only do so with someone whom you have great trust in. YOu had the friendship first to build trust in each other. You should have known whether you could trust him to share what you were thinking. When one has doubts, the partner can then help be a best friend and help calm your fears and put to rest any doubts you may have, but it takes one person speaking first. He need to be willing to be as open with you. It cant be one sided.
So have a talk together in person, forgive and then kiss and make up or make out...whatever feels right at the time.
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Take a deep breath, and learn to let it go.
Seriously. This isn't hormones, and it probably isn't love. This is the Road Not Taken. This is a regret. The hardest relationships in you'll ever have to get over, are the ones that never really happen at all.
He may have been a friend in the past, but now he's been a cold-hearted asshole. He's perfectly aware of how much he may be hurting you, and that sucks. It's painful. It's okay that it is painful, but you have to start to let it go. It will take a long time, but when someone is that obvious cruel to you after you confess your feelings for them, the only sane thing to do it cry it out, and let it go.
You apologized and were honest. You did the best you could do in the situation. You can't fault yourself, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost, and that means working through the regret and disappointment, and letting go of this guy.
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