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My dad won't accept my biracial boyfriend
Hi,
I'm Taylor and I'm a sophomore in high school. I have a boyfriend and I've known him for over a year. We started as best friends and then we fell in love and now we're dating. He makes me so happy and we share a lot in common. He understands my depression unlike any other guy, he's sweet, caring, he looks out for me and he means so much to me. My biggest issue is though...he's biracial. I don't see why my dad is so fucking judgmental of his skin color. He calls him ugly, and a nigger (even though he's actually not fully black he actually looks more white then he does black). Last night, I had a bad day at school. I was on the phone with my friend Haleigh , my dad found out about me dating AJ and he snapped...he said things like "my shit looks better than that ugly nigger" , "you only hang with your friends so you can hang with him, I saw on Facebook" , "you lied to me about your feelings (which in fact I fucking didn't, I told him we were friends a month prior but things have changed since then), he said he doesn't want zebra babies for grandchildren, "you're a princess and he's a frog", and more other hurtful things. My mom said that if AJ leaves me, no white guy will want to date me because I dated a half black guy. I just don't fucking understand why my dad is so fucking judgmental of race, he judges the outside but not the inside and it hurts me very much. After me being upset with school, and then my dad getting into me about something I can control, it was unnecessary. After he found out I was dating a biracial guy , my dad said "I'm no longer his daughter and to not say shit to him and that my boyfriend had mental issues". (Which in this case, no we both have depression and we support each other) I've already lost so much. It hurts me. Later that night, my boyfriend and I talked about what happened on the phone. We talked about the things my dad said and my boyfriend said that I shouldn't let my dad get to me that way , and I agreed. I spent a lot of time crying over my dad yelling at me. I still love my dad, but I don't know anymore honestly...what can I do to get him to fucking realize that my boyfriend is a good person even though he thinks he's "ugly". Please help...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. And God bless.
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Well it sounds like he needs to be confronted on this issue.
Maybe next time he says something awful like that then maybe you should tell him that you can have your boyfriend come over and he can say that shit to their face.....that is...if hes not a coward right?? lol
i love to mess with peoples heads that say shit like this about other races. lol
Then ill also continue to use it against them at every opportunity i can....you know real subtle like....you things like while your out and someone asks him something and you want to calmly take that moment to shame him just a simple "oh his opinion doesnt matter hes racists anyway" to whoever is talking to him.
you know real calm, and uncomplicated things.
Then let him know that you WILL CONTINUE to do whatever you feel is needed until he stops with the comments about your boyfriend. cause whats the worst he could do to you for it??
this is called mental warfare my friend. He wont know when or where your going to do it either and that can scare someone MORE mentally and get them to rethink the things they say than anything else. If he knows your capable of this and will not hesitate if you feel disrespected then there could be room there to change himself. NOT being publicly shamed is a pretty fucking big motivator id say.
You can also casually let him know that you will let any friends, inlaws, or people he knows, KNOW that he is racist as well if he continues with the hate. your tired of hearing it obviously and this is the most calm, matter of fact, non-violent way of putting your foot down. whatever happens stay calm, do not let effect you or at least dont show it, and wait for results. If he chooses to try to disown you then let him. He brought this on himself and is only digging himself in deeper so it would be wise of him to stop now before he regrets something he said for the rest of his life.
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First, I am so sorry to hear your parents are so bigoted racially. Whats really hard and going to hurt is to continue to watch them do so. You have control and ability to affect change for the better in your life. One can be a good example to others, such as you are being for the parents but as you can see, its making no difference because that age old saying is so true, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." You can talk the truth to the parents of where they are in error in their thinking but you cannot force them like the horse to 'drink' or in their case, to decide to drop racism and change for the better. Its called willpower and they must want to change to be able to do so.
Another thing that is hard to do with any human and even harder when its your parents is to point out where they are in error. No one likes having it pointed out when they are in error. It is a hard thing to humble oneself and be able to admit that. Worse if your child points out something you did wrong. A parent can tend to think they are infallible (incapable of making mistakes or being wrong)especially in the situation of being a parent and on this planet longer than their child and so are most likely to NOT be open to anything more you may want to share with them.
I can only think that perhaps you may have other relatives who are not racists and are open minded. If you do have any, or if you don't know, its worth checking out whether grandparents, aunts or uncles or adult cousins are open minded and could be a good emotional support for you. That helps to make it a bit easier having someone on your side. Perhaps if there is no other adult to rally your cause, there might be a pastor you know who is openminded. You have quite a few years left before you turn 18 and are an adult. Parents are allowed their beliefs and attempting to teach them to their children or even force them on the kids. You do not have many alternatives. true that some teens get emancipated from their parents before age 18, and take over the role of providing the basics for themselves that the parents by law must do, roof over your head, feeding you, clothing you. So your parents can't legally toss you out of the house and stop caring for you just because you date a biracial guy. Its the law. If they do shut you out of the house, you can complain to CPS child protective services or talk to a school counselor who will contact them. If you think you can handle a job, getting a roommate to share rent and provide all your other needs and finish HS. then you can become emanicipated, meaning the courts take your case and decide if it is in your best interest and that you are capable of looking after yourself financially from this point on. If so, the parents no longer have to do anything for you and you are on your own, able to make your own decisions. That is hard for any teen to do so it seldom becomes a real working option. All else I can think of is whether anyone is willing to take you in and care for you. I worked with a lady like that, she had many kids who were not emancipated from the parents but the parents were glad to be rid of them for whatever reason and it was like a halfway house or haven for teens, an alternative place to live. The parents are still responsible if it comes to your medical care should you need hospitalization or seeing a doctor and such, providing you some monetary support for clothes, school supplies but they just dont have you living there. It may be different in other states but you could check with school counselors asking them to look into it for you or point you in the right direction of who to ask.
I also am concerned over the depression both of you have. And yes, I know lots of teens get a form of that these days. What I don't know is whether it is clinical depression and something that will need medication the rest of your life due to imbalance in brain and body incapable of producing what is needed, or whether the depression is something that can be treated without medication. If non medication work for you, then it makes sense to try it first. that is easily done by reading a self help book on CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. I have read this one particular book i will mention and it worked for me and the friend who gave it to me who almost tried to commit suicide due to many years of depression and seeing Drs and it not helping. Read the book, both of you, and work on the exercises in it diligently and see if it helps. I have 3 kids. All had battles at times with depression as a teen, but only one couldn't shake it and as she got older was diagnosed with clinical depression whereas the others only had temporary cases.
The book is called "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns and if its not in your local libary system to be ordered, then it can be ordered by your local bookstore for purchase if not currently on their shelves. try it and you'll know in a month or two if its working or not, if not, then I recommend seeing a Dr.
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Your mom and dad are still living in the past where racism was rampant. Today only some of the African Americans use the "N" word among themselves then get upset if a non-African American uses the word. No one should use that word, including those of the African American community, it is offensive and demeaning. By living in the past your parents are in affect continuing the racial inequality that exists in your community and this country. It is hard for you to do so but you should try to educate your parents on how wrong they are for their tone with you if used outside the house could cause them harm in the wrong place. That's objective one.
You are a sophomore in high school which makes you 14 or 15 years old. I see nothing wrong with you dating a biracial person. Should the two of you break up your mother is wrong as to how your male peers will feel about who you have dated in the past; so just disregard what she has said. My own cousin dated and married a black man. Had two children by him and stayed married for over 15 years before they divorced. She has been married to a white man for the past 10 years.
One other thing to remember which I know you will find hard to believe as you are much in love at the moment. High school romances rarely continue beyond high school. Friendships rarely continue beyond high school as once we leave for college our worlds change dramatically. This is where that saying comes in that, "You can never go home again." Home does not change we do. We mature and our goals in life change. Anyone that we leave behind who does not go off to college seem vastly different then they were when we were in school together. Fact is they seem to have become immature. No they haven't become immature, you have matured beyond them. In essence what I am saying is live in the moment for now. Enjoy the company of your boyfriend. In 3 or 4 years things will change I'm certain of that. Try and educate your parents to how wrong they are to judge people by the color of their skin.
Now as to the depression you speak off. It does not surprise me that you and your boyfriend are suffering from some form of depression. How bad the depression is only your doctor can access. If I were to make a guess I would say you both are suffering from what is now called teenage depression; what my parents called a phase something I would grow out of. We know better now and doctors can help you. Females suffer more than males because of all the changes they go through during their teenage years.
You don't have to suffer with this and you will feel better, both of you, if you see your family doctor and get screened for depression. IF diagnosed with depression the doctor can help you to feel better, which will help you do better in school and inter-act with your parents better as well.
In short, I support you dating who you are dating. If you can stand the abuse your parents are giving you then I suggest you continue to date him as long as he gives you a true loving feeling to do so. I generally do not recommend going against a parents wishes though in your situation you are right and they are wrong, very wrong.
Please see a doctor about your depression. You are old enough to make your own doctor’s appointment and to see a doctor on your own if mom or dad won't take. This appointment is covered under your health insurance. All you will need is the copayment if any.
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The heartbreaking truth is that there is probably nothing you can say to your Dad that will change his mind, or lead him to sense on the subject of race.
He's a hateful bigot - that's not a reasonable position that he can simply be spoken to rationally and talked out of - it's an emotion based hatred. No matter how smart or kind or handsome your boyfriend is, your dad will still call him stupid, evil and ugly. Like a small child throwing a tantrum because they can do something stupid and mean - like shove a classmate or throw stones at a dog - they aren't going to listen to the reasons the tantrum is silly and wrong.
Of course you still love your dad, and I'm sure he still loves you, but you can't fix this horrible thing about him. This horrible thing will probably NEVER be fixed. It's very sad, but very, very true.
You can only focus on living your life in the way most likely to make you happy, with respect for all people. Your parents are both wrong. Hatefully and totally wrong, and living with that kind of wrong and hate can be hard, but the very best thing you can do is show them what living your life without that hate is like.
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