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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
18/f
So, I've been with my girlfriend now for 7+ months and my parents found out that they were dating since December or January, but she doesnt seem to like my girlfriend very much, and my girlfriend doesnt like the way she's being treated and it's driving me crazy. My mom wants me to be with a guy, and my girlfriend wants me to be with her. And I want to be with her, but the way she behaves sometimes makes my mom wonder if she really loves me. Butsometimes I think it's because of the way my mom is treating my girlfriend. Today we went to the mall to pick out my prom dress. My mom and I held hands and I guess my girlfriend felt left out, but she was walking ahead of us and I called her twice, but she ignored me the second time. She walked 3 or 4 feet ahead of us, and she didn't hold the door for my mom or me when we walked in and out. When we were picking my dresses, I found my dress which she knew ahead of time that I probably was going to be getting the dress, and she picked a dress that didn't look like it matched mine very well. I didn't say anything about it because I want to see later on which dress she picks, and if she picks one that doesnt match mine, then that would tell me that she really cares only for herself. I really love her, but she's so #@$%^&^. My mom is also wrong for being rude to her too, she spoke vietnamese when we were together so it pretty much excluded her, and i didnt really see that until my girlfriend brought it up. I thought it was cool since she didnt speak english well anyway. My mom also brought up my ex which is a guy, and his name is Andrew which I don't like much and my girlfriend got jealous so she was like "why are you talking about andrew?" and my mom thought that was rude and it's none of her business. >_< I really don't know what to do. I already talked to my mom about her speaking vietnamese in front of her and she yelled at me. They're both pulling me in opposite directions.
The Answer
You both sound amazingly rude to one another.
Communication and empathy are not strong points in this relationship at all.
Sure, it's rude of your girlfriend to ignore you, but seriously! You are 18 year old and out with your girlfriend and holding hands with your mother (who hates like her) while speaking a language she doesn’t understand. That's amazingly exclusive and hurtful.
If I were your girlfriend and you expected me to put up with you and your mother, with your mother deliberately trying to provoke me with talk of your ex, speaking in a language I don't know and monopolizing you, I would NEVER, and I truly mean never, consent to spending a day with you and your mother again unless you SWORE to me that you would insist your mother be more respectful of me, and include me in polite conversation.
And that’s only if I didn’t flat out dump you for not being able to figure that stuff out for yourself.
You think your girlfriend doesn’t care how you feel?
From your question here I’m left wondering if you give a shit what she feels?
Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t sound like she dealt with any of this perfectly, but the way the you discuss behaving here, makes me wonder how this relationship has lasted even 7 months.
You want some more empathy and respect from your girlfriend? Start by giving some. You both might be ‘owed’ an apology, but go first anyways and explain to her that you actually understand how horribly she was treated and how embarrassing and painful that must have been for her. Tell her you care for her enough to stand up to your parents and expect them to be polite to her.
I know your parents are probably putting a lot of pressure on you, but you are 18. It’s time you start to stand up for your own choices, and put some pressure back on them. They MUST be respectful and sensitive to your girlfriends hurt feelings, because you picked her. Any problems in your relationship with your girlfriend are your problems to work out, and although you might value their advice and opinions, they do NOT have the right to get involved or treat your girlfriend poorly. Period. Ever. End of story.
And really, if you want to look good together at prom, put on your cutest face and say “Yeah, that was a pretty dress, but I really hoped we’d look like a couple? What do you think about that?” . Don't just sit back and make dress shopping some sort of stupid, petty, 'does she love me' Test. That's not productive and it's dishonest game-playing.
You have to be able to talk about what upsets you and what is important. Your girlfriend did that when she pointed out to you that small way that your mother disrespected her. You need to be able to be that honest about more things, and that open to dicussing them.
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The Question
Most guys don't want you to come crawling back to them right? because my boyfriend just VERY recently broke up with me and hasn't talked to me.I plan on not contacting him,changing my relationship status,changing my facebook picture,and making my status's look like im moving on because I know he will see them.I want him back more than anything.Am I doing the right thing by pretty much not acknowledging him? Usually I end up begging and repeatedly contacting and it has NEVER EVER worked.advice?
The Answer
Well yeah, begging doesn't work.
However, lying, faking and bullshit doesn't work either.
Change your relationship status, and picture. Don't contact him. Those things make sense. Those are honest. You are broken up after all! Contact him if you have something to say, or that you feel you really have to share. Contact him if you want to be friends.
Other than that though, try not to worry about what he thinks or how he'll respond to your behaviour. The best thing you could possibly do is block him all together on things like Facebook, and rely on direct, private communications when you need it.
Until you give up on making him take you back, anything you do will be destructive. As long as you sit there thinking "Will this make him take me back!?" you're gonna look like a fool and probably end up disappointed.
Let that go. Ignore those thoughts when they creep up, or pound them into the ground.
He dumped you. He doesn't want to be with right now. That might change, but it probably won’t. His mind changing about that has very little to do with you or what you do. It's all about what he feels and wants inside himself. Your behaviour will only be used in his head to reinforce what he already wants... If he wants to be with you, he'll probably speak up, if he doesn't, you're faking moving on will probably only make him feel less guilty about the break up.
The very best thing you can do is be honest, but also respectful of his choice. It's a tough line to walk, but it makes you a better person when you can. It also means that no matter if get together or not, you can walk away with clean hands.
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The Question
female 16....i like this guy and he likes me but we both dont want relationships. he dont want one b/c of lacroose and im just not ready for one. im not ready b/c i have realyyyyyyy bad trust issues. anyway to my question he is on my friends bus and my friend was texting me and told me that he was kissing this other girl and i dont know what to do. i mean i really like him and it really hurt to find that out. and no one in our school knows that we talk and stuff so i guess he figured if he kissed her i wouldnt find out but i did. and i dont know what i should do about this whole situation. like in gona hang out with him this weekend b/c its spring break. so should i ask him about it or should i just leave it and see if he tells me. b/c i dont want it to seem like i have people wathing him ???????? i could really use some helpp!!!!!! thanks :)
The Answer
He kissed her because he wanted too.
I mean, it doesn't really need to be more complicated then that... Had he promised you he wouldn't pick up with anyone else? Did you have an agreement? Without one, he didn't do anything technically wrong.
What he did do however, might mean you don't want to talk with him as much anymore.
You should ask him about it. Unless he is a complete moron he must have realized a mutual friend might tell you. If you don't talk about, you'll never know what was going on in his head, and you'll simply beat yourself up and fed into your lack of trust for people in general.
Just keep reminding yourself: He didn't technically betray you. If feel betrayed, that probably means this friendship is no longer a good idea, because you want more then what he offering.
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The Question
I'm tired of living in my parents expectation and acting in a certain way, im 18 years old and i know i dont really know about the world a lot but really, i just want to have fun with my friends and do something spontaneous with my friends but i seem like i cant do it because i constantly have to worry about family lecturing me how i go out a lot or going home a lot what can i do about this? i feel really im controlled and i dont like it but i dont have a guts to say that.
The Answer
Your problem isn't what your family does, which is good, 'cause they aren't going to change.
Your problem is that you don't have the guts, and that you are obsessing about what they think, and that, you can change.
So change it. You aren't controlled, you are allowing yourself to be managed, and there is a big difference. If you were being locked in the basement whenever you got a C on a test, that's controlling. If you are getting a lecture, that's not even punishment. You are going to have learn how to stand up for your own opinion and desires in the face of criticism from others. Respect and love doesn't mean blind acceptance or agreement. People, even people we love, often disagree. To be your own person, you must be able to deal with it.
You don't have to let loose and be a complete moron, but take a minute and think of one or two things you have not done because you were concerned about lectures. Ask yourself if, besides the anxiety about your parents, those behaviours would have been something you'd choose for yourself. Then, next time, choose them for yourself.
You don't get to escape the lectures or their opinions! You are still their child and you live at home. They have opinions that they are going to share, and might share loudly. There might be consequences for your choices that could make your uncomfortable and strain relationships: Deal with it! As long as you live in fear, you are always going to feel controlled (even though you are the only one tying yourself down).
I'm 24, and lectures from my parents at this point in my life don't emotionally effect me much. I file them under "Good advice I can listen too or not." I respect my parents and their opinions, but if I believe I want to do something, their lectures don't stop me. Sure, sometimes I worry about what they might think of me, but mostly I just know that disagreements among loved one are just that, disagreements, not the end of the world.
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The Question
Can U become pregnant from having anal sex?
The Answer
It is possible.
The anus isn’t designed keep liquid in, it leaks.
If viable sperm reaches the vaginal fluids in the area near the entrance to the vagina, during or after anal sex, pregnancy is possible.
It's an unlikely thing to have happen, and even exceednigly unlikely if you use a condom (as you should be doing anyways!), but can technically happen.
Whenever the semen from the male makes contact with the area near the vaginal opening, it is at least possible for pregnancy to occur, even if it's unlikely.
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The Question
I went to a bar last night with my boyfriend, my best friend and her guy friend. My friends guy friend drove down to meet us (He lives 45 minutes away) While I went to pick up my friend she told me that her guy friend had intentions of spending the night at my apartment if he gets drunk. (Which I had no idea until she told me..) I was a little upset about that. However, Around 11:30pm My friend's guy friend already had about 4 beers and was a bit tipsy. I happened to run into an old prick from high school (Rob) Everything was going well until (Rob) tried talking my friend's guy friend into getting drunk...(I wasn't fully paying attention, I was playing pool) Then it happened that after the 4 beers he got tipsy and (Rob) asked me if it was okay if Mike spent the night at my apartment, I told him it was not okay because I was already taking my best friend in along with my boyfriend. (Rob) Then pressured me and my boyfriend into letting the guy stay at my apartment and how if he got in an accident on the way home it would make us feel awful and as if it was somewhat our responsibility. (Rob) and I went back and forth for about 20 minutes after I continuously said No. I also explained to Rob that it is not my responsibility to take in someone who drank to much and that my friend's guy friend was perfectly aware of his intake. (Rob continued to talk me into letting him stay insisting I was friends with the guy and was up in my face about it making me seem cold hearted for turning it down. I eventually got tired of it and told Rob (I'll go outside and talk to him about it) Just so he'd back off but instead Rob followed me and my boyfriend into the parking lot...By this time I was extremely upset I had already been talking to Rob for about 35 minutes and I had intentions of leaving the bar (until Rob followed me out) I explained to my friend what was going on but she was a little tipsy herself. I was put under extreme pressure and I was not sure how to handle it. Basically, My friends guy friend got tipsy with intentions of sleeping at my apartment....and Rob made it seem like if I didn't let him spend the night I would be a cold hearted bitch and if he gets in an accident it would be my fault. Ugh... How can I prevent this if it were to ever happen again
Thanks
The Answer
The moment your friend said "Hey, he's got this idea he can crash at your place." your response should have been "Oh really? What’s his cell number? We have to straighten that out ‘cause I can't handle another person."
You were warned of the possible problem, and upset by it, but you don’t mention doing anything about it! You kept on not dealing the problem you’d been warned about, until everyone was really wasted.
You should never leave potential problems until everyone is really wasted. That's a sucky time to deal with things.
In the future, be clear with your friend that she can't invite people back to your apartment. She should have had the sense to tell her friend no, and if someone ever says to you again "So, we were thinking we could stay at your place if we got too drunk." don't just be upset about, be really clear right away "You better NOT get too drunk, because you can't stay with me."
However much of a bully and an ass Rob was being, if you weren’t really clear with this guy that he could NOT stay with you, after you were told that was his expectation, then you share in the blame here. It’s not ridiculas for people who go out drinking togeather to expect their friends will watch out for them, but if this was a kind of watching out you weren’t able to do he deserved to be told clearly what was and what wasn’t going to happen in advance. It was unkind of you not to deal with the problem when it was brought to your attention initially. If you’d be clear with him about his not being welcome at your apartment, he might have watched his consumption, or saved cash for a cab… Sure, he might have still gotten too drunk, but at least in that case you could walk away with a clear conscience and say “Look, I told him when he was sober that couldn’t stay with me, and he can’t.”
You were within your right to say no, and your friend was rude to have offered your place, and Rob butt into something that wasn't really his bussiness, HOWEVER, you still could have avoided the worst of this if you'd been really clear the moment you recongized the problem, until waiting till the end of the night to put your foot down.
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The Question
~Male,15~ . I met this girl at a military ball on Saturday (last weekend).Then on Monday we started talking more and we start going to the basement of the school ever since Monday to Hug up on each other ( other peoples be down there sometime to). Here come my first problem i don't know when the right time to kiss her and i don't want to talk to her about it ( so any advice on that am thankful for). Now i got her friends walking up to me threaten me.Today her friend told me to keep my hand off her ( the girl i like). I ignored her and walk away and i still didn't keep my hands off and my girl don't know nothing about her friend walking up to me cause i didn't tell her. Me and her business is spreading around the school like HIV. here my last problem i don't know if she playing me or if she for real ( she don't got a phone). I been told she be on lock down after school. So i don't know she got a lot of friends ( boy and girls). i don't want to talk to her about it. Cause if she is playing me i rather just not know about it ( but i want to find out :(. cause i had past relationships problem. and my heart can't take another heartbreak
Thank :D ( sorry if it to long)
The Answer
This isn't a relationship yet at all. You are just hanging out right now. Sometimes that does lead to anything more.
You have to admit, that based on the way everyone is acting, maybe she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore. You should ask her, simply and calmly, if she wasnts to spend time with you anymore. It doesn't mean you're getting 'played' if she just isn't interested in you.
Next time you see her, give her a chance to end it respectfully and face to face. Only once you but the 'Hey, do you actually like me?" chat behind you, will you know how/if to kiss her.
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The Question
17/f boyfriend is 17/m. i forget when, but my boyfriend and i had an intense make out session [with ALL of our clothes on] and i somehow ended up on top of him grinding or whatever you would call it but not like intense grinding where its like rough..you know? okay well anyways, im not on birth control because it can cause cancer so my mom wont put me on it, and he wasnt wearing a condom but he did cum. i was ontop of him where he cummed. there was a spot on his pants that was wet [i dont remember how wet or how big or if it got on me] but it was there. so i got off of him. and i have been freaking out that im pregnant because i have not gotten my period this month, and i usually get it at the end of the month, but now im not? and its almost the end of the month. i am seriously freaking out. i cannot be pregnant like this wouldnt be fair so i researched the topic alot and found basically the same information on each one that said..
Q: We had sex with our clothes on, could I be pregnant?
A: No. If you had sex in your jeans, shorts, underwear or bathing suit, there's no way you can be pregnant. Sperm can't swim through clothes and continue traveling into the vagina. Sperm can only swim in liquids--like semen and vaginal fluid.
but i didnt have sex. thats the thing. and i did have underwear AND jeans on and he had boxers and his jeans [plus our shirts and stuff]. im seriously bugging out. i am such a good girl, i hate myself, i dont know what came over me. and i talked to him about it and told him that if i am pregnant, i am getting an abortion and he doesnt believe in that. and i will be forced to break up with him and ill never be able to leave the house again. and please dont tell me to take a test. thank you. please help me. my back hurts from time to time, my boobs have hurt for like a weekish now and thats it. i dont have my regular period symptoms like feeling wetness in my vagina or a lot of discharge or cramps... and i am freaking out. i cry every day, its horrible. thank you for taking the time to read this.
The Answer
You aren't pregnant.
I don't even often say that, I normally say 'yeah well there is a really small chance right...' but there is no chance in this situation! It's so amazingly unlikely you are pregnant that if you are, I'd be more likely to believe that you are carrying the next Christ child then that your boyfriend's semen actually managed to get into you in this way.
Semen isn't smart. It doesn't know which way to go and doesn't weave intelligently through clothing. It moves around vaguely forwardish in liquid. If there is not enough liquid to move in, it doesn't move. If there is a dry spot, it can't travel accross it. There was no way dampness on his pants, made it through all your clothing and up inside your body.
Stop freaking out. The only thing you are doing is making yourself sick. You aren't pregnant.
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The Question
I am a 50 year old woman. Great job, great boyfriend, great life.For the first time in years a great life.
My boyfriend has an ex wife that I really don´t have to deal with and yet I can't stop thinking about her.
She recently remarried and I know a few facts from some social networking sites. His work keeps him away from her.
So I created a new email address today and sent her an email asking her a question to put doubts in her head.
This came right on the tail of having spent a wonderful get away weekend with my boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years and does everything in his power to show his love for me.
Why?
Serious anwers please
The Answer
Honestly, if you need to delve into your deep-seeded insecurities and darkest motivations to figure out why, you need to go do that with a therapist. In the meantime, don't be a destructive meddling bitch. I’m sorry if you find that unkind, but you are adult women who reached out to attempt to sabotage a complete stranger’s relationship. That doesn’t warrant a kind response. That warrants a firm kick in the ass.
No one here can read your mind. We can throw out reasons like insecurity, boredom, drama-seeking, demonic possession, but they are just guesses. We have no further insight to your behavior then you do. Regardless of why you behaved this way, you need to get the behavior under control or it’s liable to seep into other aspects of your life.
If your behavior is something you need to understand in order to overcome, seek therapy to talk out how you are thinking about these situations that led you to this behavior.
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The Question
Dear Advicenators,
My son is 25. He has a BS degree in electrical engineering and a decent job. He has some student loans he is in the process of repaying. As caring parents we told him he could stay at home after graduation to get a heads up on paying extra on his loans and we would not charge rent or anything like that. It has been one year now and I am finding it stressful that he is home. He is very unappreciative of anything I do for him. He is also rude to us and disrespects our rules and wishes in our own home. Needless to say, he isn't paying any extra on his loans and I have to constantly remind him to pay them on time. He has lived on his own at college and I feel like it's time for him to be back out on his own but how do I really know when it's time to tell him to leave? Signed a concerned mother
The Answer
Well, you can kick your son out whenever you'd like at this point. As other people have mentioned, he's an adult and you don't need to justify it anymore. It's up to your entirely.
However, if you want to keep on trying, maybe you can put it to him like this:
Accept these conditions on staying here, sign a contract and say you agree, and, if you don't do these things, you are out.
If you don't want to sign this contract, you have 60 days to find someplace else to live.
The conditions should be things like, you must pay 10% more then the minimum payments on your student loans, and you must pay them on time.
You should also right down your most important rules in clear ways and include them in the contract. When you have an adult living at home, it's not quite fair to treat them like a younger teen and change the rules or expect them to obey 'wishes' all the time. They are adults and many choices about how they live, should now be theirs to make. However, you should be able to be very clear about the things that really affect you that you can turn into rules. Things like “You must lock the door when you get in.” or “You may not have guests over later then 9pm.” are very reasonable rules. Giving a twenty-five year old a curfew is not really a reasonable rule.
Also, stop doing things for him if you resent it. Put in your rules that he must do his own laundry and must do it quickly and in timely way for the rest of the family. If he doesn’t do it, dump his wet clothes on bed. He’ll figure it out. Put in the rules that he must clean up common areas after he uses them. Think of ways you can make him accountable for the things you no longer wish to do for him.
It is really up to you if you want to do this kind of really hard work to let him stay at home. It is completely okay if you are thinking “Nope. I just want him out now.” But these are a few ways you might be able to reframe him living with you and make him realize that he can either take advantage of the situation you’ve offered him, or he can go find another situation.
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The Question
President Barack Obama has been in the white house office for more than a year now but I don't know anything he's done for the country yet. I know he was talking about fixing our health care but he hasn't done anything with that idea that I am aware of. He also promised to get our troops back home and they're STILL overseas fighting. I want to know what Obama HAS done though. I want to be proud of our president and not confused or unsure.
The Answer
You know, it’s okay to disagree with your president. You might not always like what your leaders do. Of course, it’s great you asked this question! ‘Cause you should definitely have an idea of what sort of things they have actually done, but don’t feel you absolutely have to agree with everything… but here are a bunch of thing Obama has achieved that I think are worth being proud of:
Obama set asides funds for an electronic medical record system. Although not ‘health reform’ all by itself, this was really important step to allow doctors and patients traveling across state lines to have access to their health records when they need them. Definitely a step towards more efficiency.
The stimulus package that Obama got passed (which many people might be upset with, but almost all economists have agreed was the right move and kept the US out of depression) has definitely boosted one sector in a huge and lasting way: Transportation. There are thousands of highway projects underway across all states, and they are getting started very quickly and are expected to create 260,000 jobs within the next 18 months. It’s a good short term things for creating work, and a good long-term thing to fix up roads and build new ones.
Something Obama did that might help a young person like you? They created a $2,500 tax credit to help offset the skyrocketing cost of tuition for college students and their families.
Obama returned funding to numerous anti-gun and anti-gang programs that had been slashed during the previous administration, especially for the biggest cities where these issues are most prevalent.
Since taking office, Obama has put an addition two million acres of wilderness, rivers and parks under national protection. It’s the biggest conservation effort out of the White House in over 15 years.
You are right that there are still soldiers in Iraq and there probably will be for a while. Obama’s stated plan is to end the combat mission in August of this year. After that, the troop numbers will start to decrease and they hope to work mainly on counter-terrorism and the training, equipping, and advising of Iraqi security forces rather then direct combat. Whether you agree with Obama’s policies on Iraq or Afghanistan, it is unfortunately true that it would be irresponsible to just up and leave these devastated countries. There has to be an exit plan, and it will take time. We’ll see if Obama sticks to his plan or not. Many people are concerned that while Obama is working on ending the war in Iraq, things are just geting worse in Afaganastan and he's looking to continue in that war.
The big accomplishment though, is the health care bill, which passed and then was signed into law on March 23. The country is really divided about this. Time will likely tell if this is a good bill or not. Reform was needed, desperately. And any one who tells you they should have left the health care industry alone, well I think that’s just a silly position to take. But a lot of people disagree with the way the bill deals with it and some people are confused about what it does and means. There are lots of people out there lying and trying to scare people. A true thing is that the bill does mean most people will have to buy health insurance, but it also has ways to help people who can’t afford it on their own. Many people don’t like being forced by law to buy health insurance, especially when they aren’t sure this bill does enough to curb the abusive practices of many health insurance companies. A common lie is that the bill provide federal funding for abortions, it absolutely doesn’t. An early law made that illegal, and it’s still illegal today.
I wouldn't worry too much if you are confused or unsure sometimes. Politics are really complex, and you're still trying to figure out what you believe and what’s important to you. The important thing for you to do is ask questions, try to understand, and try not to let people lie to you or scare you into agreeing with them. Keep an open mind and listen to all sides of a debate for the serious and sensible comments.
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The Question
I am a cashier at this little store near my house and this guy gave me a two-dollar bill today. He told me to act just like it was two one-dollar bills and that it's real. I took it and put it in the till but now I'm nervous that I took fake money. Are two-dollar bills real or did the guy lie to me? I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my job if this is like a common sense thing! What should I tell my boss as to why I took a fake $2 bill?! :(
The Answer
The two dollar bill is real and valid, although very uncommon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_two-dollar_bill
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The Question
well i've been talking to this guy for 3 months now, and we have sex all the time , our parents know each other... i like him ALOT, and i feel like he likes me too. BUT he has a problem making commitment to me . i know he's being loyal to me, but he just doesnt want to be my boyfriend, and everytime i come up on that issue, he says " whats the rush " i get annoyed alot because i like things when their set in stone. he also doesnt talk to me at school, and when we're around certain people he barely pays attention to me . he says that its not me , that thats' just the way he is , and he's shy. i reallllly need him to step it up because i'm getting tired of waiting around but i dont want to lose him either. what can i tell him or show him, so that he'll decide to finally ask me out ?
The Answer
"What's the rush?"
"The rush is I'm not happy with this arrangement, and sooner or later you're going to have to choose me or loose me. And that is time is getting closer and closer as I get more and more annoyed with keeping our relationships (and yes, we have a 'relationship' even if you don't want to call me your girlfriend) a secret. This is your warning. This isn’t going to last like this. Either we start to date, or we call it off.”
Say it, or something like it, and then stick to it. When you finally get fed up, walk.
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The Question
So I really want to go to the metropolitan opera but I'm not sure what to see. I don't really know what Aida or La Traviata are really about but I know I've heard of them. I wanna see something where I'll be engaged and not too bored. It's my first opera ever. So which do you think would be a better choice? or should I choose something else?
The Answer
Either are very good choices for a first opera. Both are by Verdi, and was brillant but did not write challenging music (for the listener, that is). It's beautiful and meant to be beautiful and easy for the listener to take pleasure in. I think Aida might be a bit better though. The photos from the Met's production are very lavish, it's sure to be a spectacle if nothing else.
Both stories are easy to follow, and neither are happy endings. You might find the action in Traviata a bit slow, but you'll recognize a good deal of the music and the opera is very powerful, one of the most frequently performed of them all.
Well, I guess that wasn’t terribly helpful...
Go See Aida, if only because I’ve seen Traviata repeatedly and am jealous of your chance to see Aida performed.
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The Question
I was talking with a teacher of mine about genetics and she said that true African descendants always have brown eyes. I told her that I've seen many African-Americans with blue eyes though! She suggested that both of the person's parents were not black (like one was black and the other was white/caucasian) if the eyes were any other color than brown. She also said that contacts change the eye color and that may be why I've noticed "so many" dark-skinned people with light colored eyes (and, yes, I know about contacts...just saying her point).
So, is it really possible for a dark person to have blue eyes or some other light colored eyes (like green)?
The Answer
It is possible for a very dark skinned person of African descent to have an eye colour other then brown, and the most likely reason for it is that they have ancestors who where not African.
In fact, to end up with blue eyes you would need to have Caucasian or another blue-eyed European race on both sides of your family, mother and father. Blue eyes are a recessive gene, whereas brown eyes are dominant. You get genes from both parents, and if one gives you the gene for blue eyes and one brown, you’ll have brown eyes because brown eyes trumps blue eyes. Both parents have to pass on the blue eyed gene (even if they are brown-eyed and that blue eye gene has just been lying dormant in them for generations) for their baby to have blue eyes.
It can also be a mutation, or part of medical condition, but those are both much more unlikely. The likeliest explanation is that some place back, even way back, in both parents’ genetic histories, there was a blue eyed person. Then, as unlikely as it might have been for the baby to be blue-eyed, the dice just got rolled that way, and the blue eyes came out on top.
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The Question
17/F
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because I'm not Christian. We had been dating for about 3 months, but we have been good friends for the last 3-4 years. I worried religion might be a problem before we dated, but he promised me it wouldn't become a factor in our relationship and he respected my beliefs. The first 2 months of our relationship went very well; we were both really happy and loved being with each other. It was after that when things started to change. After going to church one Sunday he told me it bothered him i wasn't christian. Of course i was angry, because he promised me religion wouldn't become a problem. He wanted me to go to church with him, but i refused; I wasn't going to change myself or do something i didn't want to do for a boy. We came to the conclusion that he would have to think about it, but I wasn't going to change for him. I spent that next month worrying about how he was feeling and worrying about him breaking up with me, because he seemed different. But he promised me everything was fine and he had no intention of breaking up.
Finally it happened; initially we wanted to take a break, but it quickly turned into a break up. I was devastated...we were so great together except for the religion part. I felt so deceived and lied to. He told me that "God told him to break up with me". I began to wonder if that was just a copout for him, because maybe he just didn't like me anymore and needed a better excuse. After all, how can anyone argue with God? So now, I feel extremely depressed. I miss him so much...he became my best friend. We were so involved in each others lives. I keep holding out this hope that he will realize he made a mistake and want me back, because i still want to get back together. I only wish that he could find whatever it was that allowed him to be with me regardless of religion in those first 2 months. He recently told me he would get back together with me if i became christian, and that hurts even more because I just can't do that. He also said he still wants to be good friends...but how can I do that when I still have such strong feelings for him? I know i should forget him and move on the way he seems to have moved on, but I'm finding that really difficult. I still love him. What now?
The Answer
You'll never truly know another person's mind.
There is a point after any break up no matter what the reasons were, where you have to accept that you'll never really know just what they were thinking or why. It's probably the most difficult part of the separation: Becoming okay with not knowing. The truth is, even your partner probably doesn’t know exactly what went on in their mind, and even if they do, they are unlikely to be completely honest with you about it. That’s just one of the ways life frequently sucks.
I’d stay away from him for a while. You are wise and mature to realize that the situation is too emotionally charged for you to be friends right now. The fact that he said he’d get back together with you if only you’d convert: Well that paints him as a rather lousy person to be friends with at the moment anyways. It’s good that he was honest about not being able to be with someone who doesn’t believe the same thing as he does. It’s pretty low that he’d think for a second to make his romantic love conditional on religious conversion. That’s the kind of thing that even if you think it, you never, ever say it, because it’s hurtful and disrespectful. You should always be trying to surround yourself with respectful and loving people, not people who make unfair demands of you in return for their love.
So think firmly about what kind of ‘friendship’ with this guy you would like, and will make you happy, if any friendship at all.
Most ‘friends’ don’t talk every day.
Many friendships are limited to seeing each other at school, or out with other friends.
Some friends just call or e-mail once a week.
Think about these kinds of ‘friendships’ and your life, and if you could cope with one of those with him.
If these don’t sound appealing to you, then don’t be friends at all. But if one of those casual friendships seems good to you, tell him what your boundaries are for ‘friendship’. If you do MORE than those kinds of friendship, it often leads to MORE feelings. Treating someone like a friend, instead of as something more, can help them turn back into a friend in your life. Often it’s the straddling the boundary of “Well yeah we are broken up but we are still best friends!” that causes the pain and confusion to continue on and on.
Often times an ex wants to be your friend because they think that will reduce the pain. That’s a stupid thought: Because they are the primary CAUSE of the pain. Give it a serious think, and if you honestly believe you are best off without his friendship, even just temporarily, tell him so
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The Question
whats the best way to have sex
The Answer
using a condom?
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The Question
Hi there,
I am almost 22 years old! I've lived with my grandparents my whole life, August last year, my grandfather of 58 suddenly passed away. He was an extremely fit and healthy man. It was a very big shock to our family! My Nan is turing 61 soon!
My Nan is not coping by any means of the loss of her life partner! It is still very early days and I completely understand that!
I have recently broken my ankle and go in for surgery on Monday! I know that my Nan needs to feel her place of being wanted or needed again but at the same time she is smothering me and I feel like I have lost my independance again! She feels the need to do everything for me. I am mobile and can walk, that's not an issue. It's things such as how am I going to get to the hospital, how am I going to get home etc!
I have a boyfriend of 5 years who is able to drop me off to the hospital and pick me up the day after by taking a bit of time off of work. I had already told him not to because he wont get paid for that. Even when I told her so, she was like No, we will catch a taxi! I for one, don't want to catch a taxi after I have had surgery especially when there are a number of people to pick me up! So the hospital wouldn't admit me unless I had the name of a driver. I rang my Nan and she went off at me, started yelling saying that she was going to organise a taxi etc. I said to her that it was out of my control and a taxi is not a reliable source of transport after surgery.
She was absolutely furious with me because of this! Am I over reacting to be angry with her about a ride home from the hospital? The only reason I can't drive myself is because my car is a manual!
The other thing is, is that my boyfriend and I want to start looking at buying a block of land to build a house on. I know that when the time comes that I tell her, she is going to be very upset because she doesn't like being on her own! Me moving out means she has this big home and only her living in it!
Is it so wrong to want to start my own life with my boyfriend and do things for myself? My boyfriend and I are planning on getting engaged and married and building a house all in the next 3 years but I just fell like I am always set back by her! It's ok to love and care for your family members but there comes a time when the parents sit back and watch their children grow up, not continue to tell them what to do at the age of 22!
She still thinks I am 12 years old! She is very controlling and has an opinion about everything. When you retaliate back, you are then classed as 'unappreciative' and 'disrespectful' so I don't say much to her when I am upset. I just walk away!
I am tired of having to answer to her! When do I finally get to have my own opinion and be myself without feeling like I am walking on egg shells all the time! I am over it and it is making me angry all the time!
Thank you!
The Answer
She doesn't 'think you're still twelve' She thinks that SHE is still thirty and is having trouble coping with, and accepting, her own limits. That is only made worse by losing her partner, who was probably able to share responsibilities with her and cover for her lack of skills (as she covered for his).
I'm sorry that I seem unsympathetic, because I am certain you are trying your best, but this question is phrased in very selfish way, NOT because you want to live your life and move out and have your own family, but because you are shying away from the really tough job you have as the young adult in this family, and that is equipping your grandmother for the needed changes in her life with love and gentle baby steps.
I understand that it will be particularly hard, because you are particularly young to be dealing with an aging guardian, but it is still the situation you find yourself and you need to rise to the occasion.
Sure, you can be angry with your grandmother for failing to understand the situation with the taxi, but what does that anger get you? Notta. Nothing. Not a damn thing but the pleasure of being justifiably angry. It doesn’t help either of you, and she desperately needs your help to reaffirm her value and support her through this challenging transition.
Go to the public library or bookstore. There are many resources for children to help a parent cope with losing their partner. You need to develop the skills and inner strength to give your grandmother a little guidance in her new life, AS WELL, learning to stand up for your own boundaries and express your own desires from life while making sure she still feels loved and connected to you. The bookstore is a good place to start.
In particular, I’d recommend ‘The Dance of Anger’. It’s about how women deal with anger, especially in our closest relationships. I bet you’d recognize yourself in some of the stories and it will give you some great advice for actually changing the way you deal with your grandmother.
Reading takes time, so in the meantime, a few rules for dealing with your grandmother:
No more walking away. That IS rude. That IS disrespectful. Instead, give your relationship with her the hard work it deserves to be healthy, and hash out the problems in a calm, collected way. Phrases like “I understand you are upset with my choice, but I’m not disrespecting you. I just disagree. I’m an adult, and I disagree with you. I love you, but I disagree with you.” Repeat that. If SHE walks away, that’s fine. But you stay put and show her you believe in what you are saying and respect her enough not to dismiss her by leaving.
Reframe in your mind each time she ‘tries to take care of you’ as an opportunity for YOU to take care of her. Try to give her tasks that ACTUALLY support and assist you. Imagine how your conversation might have gone differently about the taxi if you had said “Grandma, the doctor won’t let me take a taxi home (jerk). Someone I know is required to get me, BUT They also said that someone should make sure there are extra pillows so I can put my foot up, and that I should buy some vitamin D. I’m not sure I can manage that. I’d really appreciate it if you could do that for me, and my boyfriend will pick me up from the hospital. Thanks, Love you.”
Sure, it might not go exactly like that, but see how that reaffirms her value to you, and your love for her, by giving her task to include her in your recovery? These are things you need to keep in mind when you are dealing with someone who NEEDS to be needed. Go ahead and let yourself need her, on your own terms.
The hard path ahead is one where you need to be strong and calm. Do some reading and be prepared to do some very hard work at changing these patterns, but it’s either that, or go on living the way you are.
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The Question
My boyfriend sometimes twists my wrists and pulls arms, hair, etc. But he says that he is only "playing". About two months, while playing, he dislocated my shoulder. All my friends say I'm to blame. If I wasn't rude to him, he wouldn't have to put me in my place. But all I said was that I wouldn't get him a soda!
I really love him and he's not mean or does anything to hurt me emotionally me. But I'm afraid that someday he might do something that will end up with me in real pain.
The Answer
Your friends are complete dumbasses, backward thinkers and completely wrong.
No matter how rude you were, even if you were screaming racist slurs at him and cursing the sun and stars and Gods down on him, it would still be wrong, completely utterly and totally wrong, for him to physically assault you.
If he dislocated someone's shoulder, while out at a bar, because they were 'rude' to him or because they didn’t get him a soda fast enough, he'd be kicked out of the bar, banned from returning and possibly charged for assault.
It's not suddenly okay behaviour because you are his girlfriend. He has no more right to physically assault you then he does a stranger.
Frankly, you need to be able to stand up to him and say, calmly and knowing that it is completely true, that if he touches you in anger again, EVER, you will dump him. And if he does, you SHOULD dump him. He needs to understand how completely unacceptable it is for him to ever touch you in anger. If he can't stop it, he can't be with you. End of story.
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The Question
hmm so my boyfriend and i had sex for the first time. He didnt like the experience because he was afraid he had gotten me pregnant. now he says he doesnt want to do it again. BUT I DO. what should i do? oh , and i tried masturbating. NOT THE SAME
The Answer
When a girl says NO, it means NO.
When a guy says NO, it also means NO.
Don't pressure your boyfriend or demand. Respect his choice the way you'd want a guy to respect yours, or your female friends. They deserve exactly the same kind of respect for thier contraception concerns and sexual choices as any girl does.
If you can't cope with a relationship without sex, dump him, and find someone who will sleep with you.
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