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how do I know when it's time to tell my son to leave
Dear Advicenators,
My son is 25. He has a BS degree in electrical engineering and a decent job. He has some student loans he is in the process of repaying. As caring parents we told him he could stay at home after graduation to get a heads up on paying extra on his loans and we would not charge rent or anything like that. It has been one year now and I am finding it stressful that he is home. He is very unappreciative of anything I do for him. He is also rude to us and disrespects our rules and wishes in our own home. Needless to say, he isn't paying any extra on his loans and I have to constantly remind him to pay them on time. He has lived on his own at college and I feel like it's time for him to be back out on his own but how do I really know when it's time to tell him to leave? Signed a concerned mother
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I think that in this situation you have become the enabler he needs to move out I mean it is really nice that he has caring parents who let him live with them but he is a grown man I am 26 graduated from school..2 kids I havent lived with my parents since I was 20 I think you just need to push him more to getting his own place and beginning his life as an adult ...you've paid your dues as a parent you should be off sipping margaritas somewhere instead of being stressed out over your big baby boy...give him the boot
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It's time to leave when you think it is.
Just so you know where this is coming from, I'm 22 years old and have been living away from my parents' house for 5 years now. I've actually owned my own house for the last year and a half and I'm putting myself through college.
You need to give your son a big kick to the butt. You've got to sit him down and tell him what's on your mind and what you're considering doing to rectify the situation.
Here's what I think:
1) You're not his babysitter
He's a big boy. He can pay his own bills on time, and he sure as heck can deal with the consequences if he doesn't. Stop mommying him, strong as those impulses might be. No more telling him to save and pay his bills. Leave him to deal with his own messes, because that's the only way he'll learn. Trust me on this one; my parents left me to deal with an unpaid cell phone bill, and it took me a year and shattered credit to finally get up the gumption to do something about it. Lesson learned? Yes.
2) Your house, your rules.
Tell him what your rules are. Inform him that if he doesn't choose to follow those rules, that he is free to seek lodging elsewhere or to pay you rent. Those rules should include respect. If you're giving him a place to live with the expectation that he pays down loans, make a rule that says he must save X percent of his income towards loan payments in order to stay with you.
3) It's not impossible to pay loans and live on your own!
I'm working my way through college, paying a mortgage and bills and still managing to build a small emergency fund. I think your son, who is 3 years older and capable of working full time (I can only do part time right now) should be able to handle the expenses. He won't learn fiscal responsibility unless he's pushed. If he has no incentive to pay extra on his bills (i.e. he has his rent covered, so he feels he can spend on frivolous things) he won't do it. Heck, if I didn't have to think about the possibility of losing my house if I spent an extra $300 a month on partying, I'd be at the bars right now! Booting him out may be the best thing to change his mindset. It might also ruin him financially. Either way, he'll learn a lesson which everyone needs to learn at some point. You can't protect him from the world forever!
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Well, you can kick your son out whenever you'd like at this point. As other people have mentioned, he's an adult and you don't need to justify it anymore. It's up to your entirely.
However, if you want to keep on trying, maybe you can put it to him like this:
Accept these conditions on staying here, sign a contract and say you agree, and, if you don't do these things, you are out.
If you don't want to sign this contract, you have 60 days to find someplace else to live.
The conditions should be things like, you must pay 10% more then the minimum payments on your student loans, and you must pay them on time.
You should also right down your most important rules in clear ways and include them in the contract. When you have an adult living at home, it's not quite fair to treat them like a younger teen and change the rules or expect them to obey 'wishes' all the time. They are adults and many choices about how they live, should now be theirs to make. However, you should be able to be very clear about the things that really affect you that you can turn into rules. Things like “You must lock the door when you get in.” or “You may not have guests over later then 9pm.” are very reasonable rules. Giving a twenty-five year old a curfew is not really a reasonable rule.
Also, stop doing things for him if you resent it. Put in your rules that he must do his own laundry and must do it quickly and in timely way for the rest of the family. If he doesn’t do it, dump his wet clothes on bed. He’ll figure it out. Put in the rules that he must clean up common areas after he uses them. Think of ways you can make him accountable for the things you no longer wish to do for him.
It is really up to you if you want to do this kind of really hard work to let him stay at home. It is completely okay if you are thinking “Nope. I just want him out now.” But these are a few ways you might be able to reframe him living with you and make him realize that he can either take advantage of the situation you’ve offered him, or he can go find another situation.
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now, first off let me say, i don't have any children of my own, so this is purely opinionated, you don't need to listen to my advice, but this is what i think:
A) he's a 25 year old. he's been an adult for 8 years. he should be ready to move out on his own.
B) he's graduated college and has a decent job, again, he could be on his own.
C) he doesnt respect you as a mother, as most men dont when they live with their parents over the age of 23.
the thing is, its time to stop mothering him. he is a fully grown person and he needs to move out. if he doesnt pay off his loans on time, well thats just tough. thats life. if he doesnt learn to be responsible about this kind of stuff, he never will learn it and before you know it, he'll still be living with you when he's 40. i know you're his mother and you love him, but it is not your job to tell him when to pay off his debts and remind him to do so. really, all you're doing right now is spoiling him so he thinks he can slack off since he doesnt have to pay rent.
i say, you get him started. find him a decent, cheap little place and tell him that its time for him to leave, but dont be harsh about it. be sure to let him know that you love him and you'll always be there when he needs you, but you wont be around forever and he needs to start building up responsibilies. it will certainly make him more appreciative of all that you've done for him. i still live with my parents, and i'm not going to college. but i told them i want to be out of the house by the time i'm 19-21 and i DO NOT expect them to loan me money or baby me around as an adult, just because i need to learn the harsh realizations of living life on my own.
honestly, there is no better time then now. you know he needs to, so tell him. don't put it off any longer or you'll just never get around to it. just do it now. he may be a little pissed at first, but in time, he'll appreciate that you cared about him so much and prepared him for the future. and that's your job.
i hope this helped. :)
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He's unappreciative? In my opinion it's time for him to leave. If he handled living on his own during college he should be fine. There is no excuse for him being rude to you when you are trying to help him. He is an adult now and has no right to treat you like that.
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