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Frustration!
Hi there,
I am almost 22 years old! I've lived with my grandparents my whole life, August last year, my grandfather of 58 suddenly passed away. He was an extremely fit and healthy man. It was a very big shock to our family! My Nan is turing 61 soon!
My Nan is not coping by any means of the loss of her life partner! It is still very early days and I completely understand that!
I have recently broken my ankle and go in for surgery on Monday! I know that my Nan needs to feel her place of being wanted or needed again but at the same time she is smothering me and I feel like I have lost my independance again! She feels the need to do everything for me. I am mobile and can walk, that's not an issue. It's things such as how am I going to get to the hospital, how am I going to get home etc!
I have a boyfriend of 5 years who is able to drop me off to the hospital and pick me up the day after by taking a bit of time off of work. I had already told him not to because he wont get paid for that. Even when I told her so, she was like No, we will catch a taxi! I for one, don't want to catch a taxi after I have had surgery especially when there are a number of people to pick me up! So the hospital wouldn't admit me unless I had the name of a driver. I rang my Nan and she went off at me, started yelling saying that she was going to organise a taxi etc. I said to her that it was out of my control and a taxi is not a reliable source of transport after surgery.
She was absolutely furious with me because of this! Am I over reacting to be angry with her about a ride home from the hospital? The only reason I can't drive myself is because my car is a manual!
The other thing is, is that my boyfriend and I want to start looking at buying a block of land to build a house on. I know that when the time comes that I tell her, she is going to be very upset because she doesn't like being on her own! Me moving out means she has this big home and only her living in it!
Is it so wrong to want to start my own life with my boyfriend and do things for myself? My boyfriend and I are planning on getting engaged and married and building a house all in the next 3 years but I just fell like I am always set back by her! It's ok to love and care for your family members but there comes a time when the parents sit back and watch their children grow up, not continue to tell them what to do at the age of 22!
She still thinks I am 12 years old! She is very controlling and has an opinion about everything. When you retaliate back, you are then classed as 'unappreciative' and 'disrespectful' so I don't say much to her when I am upset. I just walk away!
I am tired of having to answer to her! When do I finally get to have my own opinion and be myself without feeling like I am walking on egg shells all the time! I am over it and it is making me angry all the time!
Thank you!
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She doesn't 'think you're still twelve' She thinks that SHE is still thirty and is having trouble coping with, and accepting, her own limits. That is only made worse by losing her partner, who was probably able to share responsibilities with her and cover for her lack of skills (as she covered for his).
I'm sorry that I seem unsympathetic, because I am certain you are trying your best, but this question is phrased in very selfish way, NOT because you want to live your life and move out and have your own family, but because you are shying away from the really tough job you have as the young adult in this family, and that is equipping your grandmother for the needed changes in her life with love and gentle baby steps.
I understand that it will be particularly hard, because you are particularly young to be dealing with an aging guardian, but it is still the situation you find yourself and you need to rise to the occasion.
Sure, you can be angry with your grandmother for failing to understand the situation with the taxi, but what does that anger get you? Notta. Nothing. Not a damn thing but the pleasure of being justifiably angry. It doesn’t help either of you, and she desperately needs your help to reaffirm her value and support her through this challenging transition.
Go to the public library or bookstore. There are many resources for children to help a parent cope with losing their partner. You need to develop the skills and inner strength to give your grandmother a little guidance in her new life, AS WELL, learning to stand up for your own boundaries and express your own desires from life while making sure she still feels loved and connected to you. The bookstore is a good place to start.
In particular, I’d recommend ‘The Dance of Anger’. It’s about how women deal with anger, especially in our closest relationships. I bet you’d recognize yourself in some of the stories and it will give you some great advice for actually changing the way you deal with your grandmother.
Reading takes time, so in the meantime, a few rules for dealing with your grandmother:
No more walking away. That IS rude. That IS disrespectful. Instead, give your relationship with her the hard work it deserves to be healthy, and hash out the problems in a calm, collected way. Phrases like “I understand you are upset with my choice, but I’m not disrespecting you. I just disagree. I’m an adult, and I disagree with you. I love you, but I disagree with you.” Repeat that. If SHE walks away, that’s fine. But you stay put and show her you believe in what you are saying and respect her enough not to dismiss her by leaving.
Reframe in your mind each time she ‘tries to take care of you’ as an opportunity for YOU to take care of her. Try to give her tasks that ACTUALLY support and assist you. Imagine how your conversation might have gone differently about the taxi if you had said “Grandma, the doctor won’t let me take a taxi home (jerk). Someone I know is required to get me, BUT They also said that someone should make sure there are extra pillows so I can put my foot up, and that I should buy some vitamin D. I’m not sure I can manage that. I’d really appreciate it if you could do that for me, and my boyfriend will pick me up from the hospital. Thanks, Love you.”
Sure, it might not go exactly like that, but see how that reaffirms her value to you, and your love for her, by giving her task to include her in your recovery? These are things you need to keep in mind when you are dealing with someone who NEEDS to be needed. Go ahead and let yourself need her, on your own terms.
The hard path ahead is one where you need to be strong and calm. Do some reading and be prepared to do some very hard work at changing these patterns, but it’s either that, or go on living the way you are.
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she want to protect you thats allm its not easy lossing a husband, she just lost her husband, which was your grandpa, she want soemeone to be closer to her, shes felling lonely and waant you to spend a lots of time with her, she just want to spend these little time with you, try to be in her shoes and you will feel that
i know you are frustrated, but it is going to change dont worry about that
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