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Is my boyfriend abusive?
My boyfriend sometimes twists my wrists and pulls arms, hair, etc. But he says that he is only "playing". About two months, while playing, he dislocated my shoulder. All my friends say I'm to blame. If I wasn't rude to him, he wouldn't have to put me in my place. But all I said was that I wouldn't get him a soda!
I really love him and he's not mean or does anything to hurt me emotionally me. But I'm afraid that someday he might do something that will end up with me in real pain.
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Your boyfriend is abusive. Yes.
I'm 6'2 and muscular. My wife is 5'1. We wrestle all the time, and sometimes we do indeed hurt each other by accident.
I have never, ever come anywhere near dislocating her shoulder. When one of us get's hurt, it's usually something like she accidentally elbowed me in the face as we twisted around, and it always shocks her as much as it does me, with profuse apologies and offers of back rubs and such to make up for the accident.
That's not really what you described. Twisting wrists and pulling hair? That's not playing, that's hurting you. There's a difference.
I wrestle with my wife plenty, we goof off, and yeah we probably give each other some kind of injury that hurts for more than an hour on about a weekly basis. There has never, not once, been a reason for either of us to question whether or not the incident was "abusive". And we've both hurt each other pretty badly by accident, I have to be extremely careful around her because of how much bigger and physically stronger I am.
But no. If he's retaliating because you didn't get him a soda, that's a problem. If people you know know enough about the situation to use the phrase "put you in your place" then there's a problem. I'd be willing to bet that there's a shit load of other things going on that we could point to about this as abusive that we just don't know because your question was short and limited in scope and detail.
To give you an idea, by the way, when I say "wrestle"
I hold her down or she tries to hold me down in ways that aren't painful. I tickle, she tickles, we smack each other's asses when we walk by, or I poke her very lightly in ways designed to be completely annoying and not at all painful (like repeatedly tapping her nose with a finger until she swats me away)
None of the things we do are designed to be painful in any way themselves. If pain is not an accident, there's a problem.
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You left out a very important piece of information, and this is in my opinion the best test of abusiveness. When you tell him to stop, does he? If not, then he is abusive. Wait, not I am rereading your question, you said you wouldn't get him a soda, so he pulled your arm out or hit you or some such? Yeah that would be abusive. Also, your 'friends' are all manner of messed up. Saying you deserved it because you wouldn't get him a soda? You really need better friends.
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ok this is defenitaly a problem. That is not
Normal. NOBODY has the right to hurt you. I don't know what your friends are thinking but they are wrong.please leaverhis realtionship for your own good. What might start out as something small can turn into something huge. Nobody is worth your pain. Leave now before it is to late.
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Reread your question.
He DISLOCATED YOUR SHOULDER over a soda. Does this sound NORMAL to you?
If he does anything to you physically that you don't like, then he has no right to do it. It doesn't matter if you "deserved it" (which you didn't, not in this case, at least).
And "putting you in your place"? The FUCK? What the hell is he, your parent? He doesn't have a damn right to hit you whenever he thinks you're being out of line. That's RIDICULOUS.
Of course, he justifies his actions by calling it "playing" rather than "hurting you". Maybe he really thinks he's just playing, maybe he makes that excuse to himself so he doesn't feel guilty about it. But he's definitely telling YOU that he's playing and doesn't mean anythign by it so YOU don't think anything of it. He's just severely sugarcoating.
But if he's hurting you, you have to be up front about it and tell him how you feel. Sit him down and have a talk. Don't drop a bomb on him. Calmly explain. Tell him that what he does is not okay with you and that he needs to stop. Dont' just put up with it because your friends say so. Your friends aren't dating him. You are.
And don't let his excuses get to you. If he's hurting you and you want him to stop, then he should respect you and quit it. Tell him that if he has a problem with you, he can talk to you abotu it instead of resorting to "playing". If you have a talk with him and he STILL insists that he's right and you're wrong, and still continues "playing", you should seriously start considering if you want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about your opinions.
Besides, if he's willing to dislocate your shoulder over a soda, imagine what he might do to you over a more serious matter.
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yes, he has no rigth to twist your hand, there is going to be one day that he will do something very bad to you, dont let him control you like that
i know you love him, but there is sometime that you have to think about you body first, before guys, ask yourself this question ,
does your boyfriend deserve somoene nice like you ?
dont let him do those bad things to you, express your deep feeling to him and tell him to stop what his doing to you, you may end up in some serious pain
good luck
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Yes
Playing or not, He has absolutely not right to assault you. I agree with Razhie because you are his girlfriend DOES NOT make it okay for him to hurt you. Twisting your arms, Pulling your hair, name calling etc. Is all signs of abuse.
What you should do: DUMP HIM
"Playing" is just an excuse, They know what they are doing is wrong so they just need to cover their asses by saying "well I was just playing" Plan bullpoop. If it were me, Your boyfriend would of been gone without hesitation. Trust me, I know what abuse is I've been down that road. DO NOT give him the impression that it is okay because it is not okay AT ALL. Girlfriend or not there is no difference then if he were to go up to a stranger and grab their arm because he was "playing" It is NOT funny and it is NOT okay. You stand your ground and you tell him flat out, If you are going to treat me in an abusive way then you are GONE. Don't say it weakly, be upfront and stern about it. Frankly, I wouldn't even give him a second chance. Anybody that dislocates my shoulder is going to get a low kick and certainly isn't going to be seeing me again. Guy sounds like a complete A-hole. Kick him to the curb!
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Your friends are complete dumbasses, backward thinkers and completely wrong.
No matter how rude you were, even if you were screaming racist slurs at him and cursing the sun and stars and Gods down on him, it would still be wrong, completely utterly and totally wrong, for him to physically assault you.
If he dislocated someone's shoulder, while out at a bar, because they were 'rude' to him or because they didn’t get him a soda fast enough, he'd be kicked out of the bar, banned from returning and possibly charged for assault.
It's not suddenly okay behaviour because you are his girlfriend. He has no more right to physically assault you then he does a stranger.
Frankly, you need to be able to stand up to him and say, calmly and knowing that it is completely true, that if he touches you in anger again, EVER, you will dump him. And if he does, you SHOULD dump him. He needs to understand how completely unacceptable it is for him to ever touch you in anger. If he can't stop it, he can't be with you. End of story.
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