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breakup because of religion
17/F
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because I'm not Christian. We had been dating for about 3 months, but we have been good friends for the last 3-4 years. I worried religion might be a problem before we dated, but he promised me it wouldn't become a factor in our relationship and he respected my beliefs. The first 2 months of our relationship went very well; we were both really happy and loved being with each other. It was after that when things started to change. After going to church one Sunday he told me it bothered him i wasn't christian. Of course i was angry, because he promised me religion wouldn't become a problem. He wanted me to go to church with him, but i refused; I wasn't going to change myself or do something i didn't want to do for a boy. We came to the conclusion that he would have to think about it, but I wasn't going to change for him. I spent that next month worrying about how he was feeling and worrying about him breaking up with me, because he seemed different. But he promised me everything was fine and he had no intention of breaking up.
Finally it happened; initially we wanted to take a break, but it quickly turned into a break up. I was devastated...we were so great together except for the religion part. I felt so deceived and lied to. He told me that "God told him to break up with me". I began to wonder if that was just a copout for him, because maybe he just didn't like me anymore and needed a better excuse. After all, how can anyone argue with God? So now, I feel extremely depressed. I miss him so much...he became my best friend. We were so involved in each others lives. I keep holding out this hope that he will realize he made a mistake and want me back, because i still want to get back together. I only wish that he could find whatever it was that allowed him to be with me regardless of religion in those first 2 months. He recently told me he would get back together with me if i became christian, and that hurts even more because I just can't do that. He also said he still wants to be good friends...but how can I do that when I still have such strong feelings for him? I know i should forget him and move on the way he seems to have moved on, but I'm finding that really difficult. I still love him. What now?
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I can relate to this a lot. I am still unsure of my beliefs but lets go with Atheist Jew. I was dating a really Christian guy for a little over two months. He also broke up with me only a couple of weeks ago. But, for different reasons. However, one of the other people that gave you advice said: Sometimes you won’t always know all the reasons as to why you’ve been dumped. But, besides what you’ve already heard I’ll tell you my views.
My ex-boyfriend had told me all about how is church was. Apparently in his church (and probably others as well) they tell you NOT to date a non-Christian. They go on and on about how their partner will somehow drag them down in the future do to the difference in religion, and to put it simply: They do NOT approve. While we were dating my ex did not go to church for the first two months. He always thought about going back, however he avoided it. (He stopped going prior to dating me anyway) He was so fearful of how his church would react. However, he told me as well that I meant so much to him, and he wouldn’t let it get in the way.
He did end up speaking to people from his church. And they convinced him to go back. He really had wanted to. He even told them about me. And he was surprised to hear that they accepted it, however, not completely okay with it. We did end up breaking up later but church wasn’t even mentioned in my situation. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a factor, however I doubt it for my case.
My point is, your ex-boyfriend probably got a lot of pressure about not dating a non-Christian as well. However, my personal belief is that if he likes/loves you enough then it really shouldn’t matter what religion you are, or what beliefs you have. You’re seventeen, and I’m assuming your boyfriend was around that age as well. (Or not) But if so, he is still young, and he might not even be sure of how to handle this situation.
I agree in some aspects that you should confront him since you really care about him. It isn’t fair of him to tell you to convert to something that you do not believe in. It would be a lie. And it does show he doesn’t love you as much as he says he may. Tell him that if he really cared for you too, then he wouldn’t need you to do this in order to be together. There ARE many relationships that work out even though they have different beliefs.
However, I also see the other side that you should move on. Due to him thinking he has to choose his religion over you instead of just keeping both. (However, as I said before some churches actually do tell you that you have to choose.) Even if he got back with you, and said “I’m so sorry. I realize I was a complete idiot for dumping you for not believing in the same thing as me.” The thing is that, he thought that way once, and he may always think that way deep down. He may always want to be with someone that shares his beliefs. Someone that would come with him to church. And depending on how his church is, they might tell him constantly to break up with you again. (Unfortunately it may happen. I was shocked to hear that this even does happen.) And the question is, now that he has hurt you, could you really trust him? Could you really trust that he wouldn’t do it again even if you guys got back together?
Another thing I do want to mention is that even though I would probably never convert to anything: While I was dating my ex I actually told him/agreed (I forget which now) that I would be willing to go with him to church a few times. NOT to convert. NOT to pray to Jesus (Whom I do not believe in) HOWEVER, for him to introduce me to everyone. And for me to get to know a part of his life that means a lot to him. Just to show I support that he could believes in whatever he wants to believe in. I’m not saying you should have gone with him all the time. Just a few times a year-very rarely. But the point would just be to show how much you really do care. And if he doesn’t even see that effort that you would try to make, then he really isn’t worth it. At that point just let him believe what he wants. You don’t need to deal with him.
And lastly, It just shows he can’t accept you for who YOU are. A non-Christian. So, with that note you’ll just have to move on. It will be tough, but you can do it. There are other people in the world.
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You'll never truly know another person's mind.
There is a point after any break up no matter what the reasons were, where you have to accept that you'll never really know just what they were thinking or why. It's probably the most difficult part of the separation: Becoming okay with not knowing. The truth is, even your partner probably doesn’t know exactly what went on in their mind, and even if they do, they are unlikely to be completely honest with you about it. That’s just one of the ways life frequently sucks.
I’d stay away from him for a while. You are wise and mature to realize that the situation is too emotionally charged for you to be friends right now. The fact that he said he’d get back together with you if only you’d convert: Well that paints him as a rather lousy person to be friends with at the moment anyways. It’s good that he was honest about not being able to be with someone who doesn’t believe the same thing as he does. It’s pretty low that he’d think for a second to make his romantic love conditional on religious conversion. That’s the kind of thing that even if you think it, you never, ever say it, because it’s hurtful and disrespectful. You should always be trying to surround yourself with respectful and loving people, not people who make unfair demands of you in return for their love.
So think firmly about what kind of ‘friendship’ with this guy you would like, and will make you happy, if any friendship at all.
Most ‘friends’ don’t talk every day.
Many friendships are limited to seeing each other at school, or out with other friends.
Some friends just call or e-mail once a week.
Think about these kinds of ‘friendships’ and your life, and if you could cope with one of those with him.
If these don’t sound appealing to you, then don’t be friends at all. But if one of those casual friendships seems good to you, tell him what your boundaries are for ‘friendship’. If you do MORE than those kinds of friendship, it often leads to MORE feelings. Treating someone like a friend, instead of as something more, can help them turn back into a friend in your life. Often it’s the straddling the boundary of “Well yeah we are broken up but we are still best friends!” that causes the pain and confusion to continue on and on.
Often times an ex wants to be your friend because they think that will reduce the pain. That’s a stupid thought: Because they are the primary CAUSE of the pain. Give it a serious think, and if you honestly believe you are best off without his friendship, even just temporarily, tell him so
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What a terrible situation to be in. There's an expression that says you should never discuss religion and politics with your friends, but when someone feels so strongly about their religion it's hard to keep it out. He isn't going to change, although maybe his feelings about dating you will. I really hope you wont give in and convert just for him, because where's the sincerity in that? It's not like you're suddenly going to become a strong believer like him. So where does that leave the two of you? You seem to be stuck.
You should talk to him and bring up my point about sincerity. I feel that you should never choose a religion because of peer pressure or fear of eternal punishment. You should choose a religion because you truly believe in it, and that's not something you can switch on and off for a guy. Is he really going to force a non-believer into church on threat of breaking up with her, then expect her to truly believe that religion?
I feel like following a religion without even believing it is a form of sacrilege. It's like you're trying to lie to God. I'm personally unsure of my religion, but there's a possibility that Christianity is real so I'm not going to go in and lie to God to save myself from a hell I only partly believe in. In the church I grew up in, they preached about "accepting Jesus into your heart". If you don't truly believe, there's no way you can Jesus like that. I wish your boyfriend would understand that.
Definitely talk to him about that. I'm not sure if it will do anything, but he needs to hear it. In the end, there's no way this relationship is going to work if one person tries to force the other person to change. Even if you give in, you wont be happy about it, and obviously there's no potential to get back together unless you do.
Personally, I've never thought this kind of forcing beliefs on your loved ones was very Christian. When the choice is,"Either be a Christian or I wont love you," how are you going to have a healthy relationship with either your boyfriend or God? People should never be forced into a religion because there's no way they're going to truly believe it when they're forced. People can try to force themselves to believe, but they'll definitely have doubts, and when they do they will certainly feel guilty for it. It's not fair and it's not a good way to spread one's religion.
Other than telling him these things, there's really nothing you can do unless he reconsiders his belief that a Christian shouldn't date a non-believer. I've known and heard of plenty cases where it worked, even between Christians and atheists. Heck, my best friend is Christian, her boyfriend is atheist, and they've been together for two years and plan to get married! But if he's decided that this is the absolute truth then no success stories are going to change his mind. And if he wanted you to change something so profound as your religion on his behalf, he will probably want you to change other things as well. Like, "Oh, that music is un-Christian, you shouldn't listen to it," or "A Christian woman wouldn't wear those clothes," and so on. That's not how a relationship works; it's take it or leave it, you don't get to keep the good parts and throw the bad parts in the garbage.
I know this is painful for you and you want it to work out somehow, but you need to move on. If you have close female friends, they can be very effective distractions right now as you struggle to forget him. Have sleepovers and pillow fights, go to movies together, whatever you can do as a group that takes your mind off of him. The love and the hurt will still be there, but they will lessen over time. Eventually, you can start looking for a new relationship with someone who loves you just as you are, rather than needing you to change in order to accept you. In the meantime, I hope you can distract yourself from the pain. Good luck.
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Sigh...I got some bad news for you...
I dated someone for 5 years, He was Jewish and I was Catholic.
Depending on how religious he is, It may always be a problem. You can't beat around the bush, You two will always have your disagreements about who believes in what. It will always be there and you can't take someone who is religious and make them so they hate the bible. Heavy believers usually prefer to marry someone who is in their religion. This isn't always the case, but usually if someone is dating someone that is a different religion the other would prefer them to convert. Converting to a religion can take a few years, Depending on the process and how long it takes. It requires tons of studying, Commitment and it is not an easy process. (I've attempted to convert once before) The pressure of trying to get the basics down was just too much for me to handle on top of going to school. Although, He promised you he wouldn't let religion become a problem...What it comes down to in the end is that he is a Christian and you're not. I don't want to be blunt but I think your best bet is to try to but your focus on moving on. Unless you are 100% committed to converting into Christianity and again it is NOT easy...Then I would just move on.
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