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just met my biological dad after 15 yrs. I'm a girl.
I just met my biological dad and his son who is my brother i spent a week with them over spring break and we all grew close, now that im back at home (which is 9 hours away from them) i miss them so much i text my biological dad and brother daily telling them i miss them and yes, love them. Now my mom checks my text messages and i guess it hurts her to see that i indeed love them. she gets mad cuz i want to go back home where my bro and bio dad are mainly because my bro has cancer and is going through chemo and i want to be there for him. how do i handle both parents? i hate making my mom feel like shes losing me but shes not, and i am NOT going to stop talking to my bio dad and brother, i just want to know how i can deal with them, my mom is always getting mad now cuz im not happy here, but i never have been happy here since we moved here. all i want is to go back to my homeland. how do i love both parents without making the other feel left out or feeling like im being lost to the other parent? am i wrong for loving my biological dad and brother so much?
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This is a tough one. Its important you know that you haven't done anything wrong. You don't say if you were adopted or your mother had a relationship with your bio-Dad. If you were adopted I'm sure there is some insecurity in you mother that you will "like your other family better". If she once had a relationship with him, she may still be carrying a lot of hurt and bad feelings. I had the same problem when I was a kid. I met my Dad after 10 years. He turned out to be not the greatest guy, but he was ok, and I loved him anyway, even if some of the things he said and did were hurtful sometimes. My Mom used to yell at me and say I should just forget about him, that he was a loser, but she didn't understand that it didn't matter to me what happened between them. And your mother needs to understand the same thing. You're going to have to sit down with her, in a time of peace, not when you're fighting. Sit down and tell her it hurts you that she can't share in the happiness of this new time in your life. Let her know just what you said here, that she is NOT losing you, and no matter what happened in the past, your bio-Dad is your FATHER and nothing else. He may have been a jerk to her in the past, but it is not your job to hold him responsible for all any of that. Let her know you plan to continue to keep in contact with him and you enjoy getting to know him and your brother, but also be sure to tell her you love her too. You may think your texts are just nice and warm things to say to the knew people that you love, but she may read them as slurs against her, she may feel that her home isn't good enough for you and you want to leave her. You need to have an honest conversation with her. There is nothing wrong with this new relationship you have discovered, however, be careful not to romanticize it. Your father and brother are only human as well, and they may disappoint you at some point. Being so far apart from them it can be easy to start imagining life with them as so much better than what you have, but keep in mind that you just met them, and you are all just getting to know each other, so don't be in such a rush to leave your mother. However, do continue to keep in close contact with them and visit often. After you've talked with your Mom, try not to let her anger affect you. Whatever her issues are, they belong to her, not you. Good luck. This sounds like an amazing new chapter in your life and you are blessed to have the opportunity to expand your family. Enjoy!
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Of course that's not wrong! It's perfectly natural and the only one with a problem with it is your mom. You say you just met him after 15 years, so I'm guessing your mom didn't get on well with him. There were probably jealously issues when you were little that made her want to keep you closer to herself and her jealousy now is just an extension of that.
Honestly, I think this is pretty selfish of her. Does she usually read your text messages? Does she know your brother has cancer? If so, she's being really selfish to try and keep you away from him. She's healthy, isn't she? But for all you know, your brother's time could be short. Your brother definitely needs your support more than your mom right now, and I think you are perfectly right to want to get to know your real dad and brother. If she can't understand that, then she has some serious, deep-rooted jealousy issues that are making her feel this way. That's not your fault and it's not her fault, either. There's no telling what led her to be this insecure about her own daughter's love; she probably doesn't totally understand it herself. :/
That said, your mom needs all the reassurance you can give her right now. You need to remind your her that you care about her. Sit her down and talk with her, give her a hug, tell you how much she matters to you. She needs you to tell, as plainly and strongly as possible, that she is important to you and that you need her. You've needed her since you were born, we all need our parents that way, but now that you are becoming close to your dad she no longer feels needed. She feels like your dad is replacing her as the one beloved parent in your life. You need to remind her that there is room in your heart for two parents. Remind her that your father and brother can never replace her special role as mom. There's a big chunk of your heart reserved just for her and no father or brother can touch it, but there is room in there for a father and brother, too, without lessening your love for her. Remind her that your bond with her is much stronger than the one with your dad and brother, and that you love for her runs deeper as well; after all, you've known her much longer than them. She needs to hear these things and she needs to hear them often. It'll make her feel so much better.
On the other hand, it really sounds like you need to be with your dad and brother right now and your brother needs you. Try to explain this to your mom. I don't know how bad your brother's cancer is, but with all cancer there is a chance of death. And chemo's no picnic, either! Explain that your brother is in a lot of pain, possibly dying, and that he really needs your support right now. He needs a sister to hold his hand and support him, and it's not something that can wait. I hope she is not so overcome with jealousy that this will upset her.
Also explain to her that it's not your dad and brother that make you unhappy living with her, and it's not her that you are feeling unhappy about. Talk to her about how the move upset you and how you don't like the place. I must emphasize, you don't like the PLACE. It's nothing about your mom, but just the environment that you don't like.
While your love is fresh in her mind, you should talk to her about a compromise. You want to be with them, but you also want to be with her and make sure she is happy. Try and work out some visiting schedule or way for everyone involved to be satisfied.
As for how you can balance mom with father and brother... It partly depends on how your mom responds to what you tell her. No matter what, she will still be upset at you leaving her to see them. When you are with them, she is going to feel very lonely no matter how much you call her, message her, and tell her you love her. It's harder to feel the emotion behind an "I love you" over the phone. But remember, in the end this is something you must decide. If you are happier living with your dad and brother, you should live with them. Your mom needs you, and maybe you can work out a compromise, but in the end you should not make yourself unhappy just to soothe her. Your life is your own and you should not make yourself miserable for months or even years just to make her a little happier (she will still be unhappy because you will still be talking to them, and because she may feel guilty for keeping you from them). If you do, you will be depressed and probably start to resent your mom, which will make you move away eventually, anyway. If you feel like it is the right thing to do, you should leave while you're still on good terms with her.
Also, have you considered video chats? Your dad and brother could talk to you in person that way without you actually being with them. You just need to find a video chat program and a webcam. You can't hug them or go to the zoo with them or anything like that, but talking face to face is much more fulfilling than texting.
This is such a complicated situation. Your mom's emotions are really unstable right now, and they could explode like a firecracker over just about anything. She needs to be handled with a lot of love and care right now. I hope you find a good solution to your problem and I hope I helped. Good luck.
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Keep in mind that you are your mother's daughter, She raised you. You have just met your biological father and your brother of course it will be hard for her to except the fact that they are in the picture. You're mother may be feeling hurt, Maybe like you are drifting away from her to some level. Meeting your biological father can raise a bunch of confusion, mixed feelings etc.
I think it might be a little soon to say you love them unconditionally, However keep in mind that you just met them. They have been gone for 15 years, You are going to need more time to get to know them. I don't know the entire situation from what you said you only gave little detail..but I would be cautious for awhile. I wouldn't give yourself away just yet. A week is way to fast in my opinion to say "you love" someone. Talk to your mother, Explain to her that you love her, She is your mother and nobody will ever take that away. Remember your mother is the one that was there for you and raised you.
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