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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Ontario, Canada.
What's the legal ages for people dating and/or sleeping together?
The Answer
Unlike the states, Canada has one national law of Age of Consent, rather than different laws in each province.
So, in all of Canada, the age of consent is sixteen.
There are two 'close in age exemptions' to that law. A person of twelve or thirteen can consent to sex someone no more than two years older than them. A fourteen or fifteen-year-old can consent to sexual activity with a partner who is no more than five years older than them. So, in Canada, a fifteen year old could legally sleep with a twenty year old.
There is one exception to all that though - if the older person is in a position of authority, like a teacher, or nurse or something like that - the younger partner must be at least eighteen years old (although they still might get in trouble with their employer, it wouldn't be a crime then).
Unlike many of states, Canadian law is very clear about what counts as sexual activity, and dating and kissing do not make the cut. There are some legal tools parents have to separate their minor children from older partners, but the age of consent is pretty liberal.
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The Question
I went for an interview at this place today that is a health club. the job is. basically "coaching" people towards a better and healthier lifestyle, and the mean time they lose weight. the way that i get paid is by selling this certain brand of nutrition products. it is a very reputable brand, the company sponsors many olympic athletes and is the nutrition brand of many professional teams. so i am not questioning the products.
however, i dont know if this is right for me. to start you have to pay 65$ for the certification to sell the product, or you could buy the 99$ package and get the certification plus $100 of their products. i just don't know if this is worth it. the club brings in cleints so i wouldnt have to worry much about that. i start off making 25% of my sales and quickly work up to 50%. can anyone please give me some advice on this!
The Answer
I wouldn't do it, if I were you.
Generally, it's not a good idea to take a job where you have to 'buy in' to the program. Some of these jobs are legitimate, many hair dressers have some sort of buy in for new stylists to get their space at trendy salons... However, as a general rule, it's not wise.
Especially if you aren't keen on sales to begin with. Sales is not hard to learn, but few people I've met (myself included) really enjoy it.
If you have other options, go with those. A sales job like this is rarely 'as advertised' (who told you that the club brings in clients and you work up quickly? The same person you'd be handing a cheque to get certification, right?) and is really only a good job if it really excites you. If you are having doubts and suspicions, look elsewhere.
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The Question
i caught my bf looking at gay porn ads on craigslist. he says hes not gay and that it was just jack off material. he used to live in la and visit me in sb. one of the ads that he put up was on my way from la to sb looking for a pit stop. he said that it steamed from a tramatic childhood incident that trigered him to look at gay porn. i told him that if was looking at gay porn it would be one thing but a seperate email account and looking on craigslist ads for gay adds to meet up is another. he said he never did and he is socially akward enough that i do sorta believe him and he's never done anything like this before. idk what to do. i want to get over it but i feel like i cant trust him now. i told him even if it was with a girl it still would bother me. idk waht to do :(
The Answer
He hasn't been completely honest with you yet.
If he can't be honest with you, you should probably dump him.
There are plenty of places online to go to jack off to images of guys or girls. Craigslist is a site for communicating with others - buying, selling or meeting up - even if he had no intention on buying or selling or meeting up you deserve a much better, more thorough explanation of why he choose that particular behaviour and site.
You are right to think that looking at porn is one thing - trolling an anonymous meet up site is another. I would also be uncomfortable with my partner using that site because it makes me think they are after anonymous sex, which is risky to both their health and mine.
Talk this out with him, very calmly, but very firmly. It's understandable that he would be embarrassed and very sensitive to judgement, but it's very important for you to let him know exactly what the problem is, and that masturbation is one thing, but meet up sites are another.
He doesn't have to be gay to like gay porn, so leave that concern alone. However, do explain to him very firmly the real problem here: He was using a meet up site, with an account, and that implies he was thinking about very dangerous behaviour, for both him and you.
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The Question
I really love my boyfriend, we have been together for 6 months and he has already proposed. Many aspects of his personality are great but...he is soooooooo sensitive. For example if I answer a question too abruptly for his taste, he says he is hurt.(I am rolling my eyes as I type this)And once he is 'hurt' he gets a pinched look on his face. He will say nothing is wrong, I am fine. But unless he ate a lemon behind my back, something is wrong. How sensitive is too sensitive? I honestly try to be calm and careful in everything i say, but I am not Budha.
The Answer
Far more concerning then him making faces at you, is the fact this dummy decided to ask you to spend the rest of your life with him after six months.
Do you know the average length of a marriage for couples who get engaged before dating for even a year? About 28 months, and something like 80% will be divorced before year 5... Those are lousy odds.
If your boyfriend says he is fine, ignore his silly faces. Act like they don't exist. Believe him when he says he doesn't have a problem until he is willing to talk about the problem. Develop a thicker skin.
If your boyfriend is using pouty faces to get your attention and make you chase him, stop feeding into that childish behaviour and just ignore him. Keep trying to be the best you can, but expect him to come to you honestly and directly when there is a problem. Ignore sulking.
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The Question
I read what you said about the dog licking the girl's vagina question and thought maybe you could help me. Around 5 to 4 years ago, when I was 12 I let my dog lick my penis twice. I havent done it since then and have deeply regretted it since then. It's recently been plagueing my head because I have this close friend who I care for a lot and whenever she says that I'm amazing and unique I feel bad because what if she knew I did that? Should I feel bad for having her think I'm such a great person even though I did that? Or since it happened years ago it shouldnt matter? I'm a completely different and more mature and wiser person, so should I care about who I am now or what I did? Is she close friends with a freak? Should I be arrested for having done it? She's told me before that she doesnt care about anything I've done and that its not important to her, but everytime she compliments me, I feel guilty. Please help and please answer each question if you can.
The Answer
When I was twelve I got tanked and fell off the roof of a barn topless onto a rabbit hutch.
And what I mean to say by telling you that story is: Shit Happens.
We do dumb stuff as kids. Stupid stuff we would never do again, and that has no bearing at all on the people we grow up to be.
Sure, we can feel guilty about it, but we can't actually be held responsible for mistakes we made when we were so young we barely understood what we were doing. People get this about kids. No one would have arrested you for what happened, and honestly, most people would be grossed out if you told them, but probably also wise enough to recognize that they also did stupid shit when they were twelve and that they have grown and changed and learned since then.
Let it go. You've paid the penalty and punished yourself enough. Today, you ARE the awesome person she thinks you are. Something that happened for a few seconds a few years ago doesn't have the power to change that.
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The Question
So there's some teens and their Dad living next door. My neighbour's yard si growing into a jungle, which is fine, but they've got a hedgegorwing right along the fence diving us (which I guess the teens thinks that it makes they're partying soundproof but it's not)and so they don't do anything and just let it grow so it's growing through the fence into OUR side and the ugly flowers keep falling onto our beautfiful freshly cut grass (which is one of the things my Dad puts a lot of his time and effort into maintaining his garden).
Franky, the dad must not own a lawn mower because
none of us has ever heard or seen him mowing the lawn.
Do you think that it's our problem (our side, we clean) or theirs? And what should we do? I don't think that if I tell them they'll be like "Oh sorry, we'll fix it then." The last time I told the teens (same age as me!) to turn down their music, they egged our house!
The Answer
Your side of the fence means your problem. Just trim the branches back and pick up the flowers.
There might be other things worth complaining about to these neighbours. They might be generally lousy neighbours to have, and do many icky things, but when it comes to something so simple as dropping flowers and overgrown hedges, all there is to do is clean 'em up.
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The Question
I was recently on a date with my boyfriend. But it was a total disaster. After the date, i ended up feeling sad and like $h!+. He so made it seem like he didnt want to be there with me. He never really acted like this before. All the other dates he was so nice to me and would buy me flowers, etc. But even from the night before, his way of talking seemed like he wasnt intrested in me. Usually he would say things like he cant wait to see me tomorrow and what kind of places do I think we should go, he didnt really say anything of that type. I even said to him i said if you dont want to meet tomorrow we dont have to, maybe another day would be better for the both of us. But he said no i wanna see you i miss you etc. But he sounded kinda sarcastic.
So anyway this date he called me around 1:45 saying that there was traffic and he would be 15-20 mins late, and that turned out to be near an hour. We were supposed to meet at 1:30 but he showed up at exactly 2:30. I didnt like that but I let it slide. So i went in the car and i saw this time he didnt bring me any flowers or anything. But i let that slide too. I didnt care so much but of course it would have been nice. So i'm thinking we would go to the amusement park he mentioned a couple days ago and have a good time, but instead he wanted to go near the water. We didnt really do anything, he didnt talk much to me and i gotta admit i didnt feel like talking back. We just sat on a bench, then he started kissing me in public and there were people passing by. I wasnt too comfortable or thrilled about that. And felt like he did that cuz there was nothing else better to do.
Then he said lets go in the car so we sat there looking at the water a bit etc. Oh my gosh his phone probably rang like 30 times that whole time, he didnt pick any of them up but still. The other times he would put his phone on vibrate and it might have vibrated 1 or 2 times. And while we were near the benches it rang a lot also. That time he told me hold on let me get a water from the car, but i knew he went to go make a phone call he took pretty long too. In the car he left also, he said hold on i'll be right back. And i was looking around trying to see where he went and sure enough he was on the phone. He was kind of far away too i guess coz he didnt want me to hear. Whoever he was talking to...
So he comes back in and says they keep calling me from the diner about the repairs being made. (He owns a diner). So we stayed another 10-15 minutes and after that, he said he should get going and bought me back home. He dropped me off and he's usually like wait one more kiss, this times we just locked lips a couple of times and i left. I didnt even cross the street yet and he started driving away. He seems cold on the date like he didnt wanna be there, of course i picked that up and automatically i showed the same reactions as him even if i didnt want to.
At home we talked on the internet also, and even then he was still cold. He usually says that he had a great time and he loves spending time with me but this time he didnt mention anything about today. He actually said i better get home my fish probably miss me. what like his fish are more important than me. is he trying to say i didnt miss him. is he trying to say i aint even as good as his fish. i dont know whats wrong with him. why did he act so hostile toward me i didnt even do anything. oh also i said im so happy today because i got to see you and spend time with you. and he said something like thats not fair i cant send any smilies from here coz im using a different computer. wtf? I been feeling sad lately.
What should i do. I feel like that flare between us is getting lesser as the days go by for some reason. Also before he used to text me and write me little poems all the time, now he doesnt as much. I still love him but i dont know why hes acting like he doesnt enjoy being with me or somthing. Maybe im wrong but thats the feeling im getting. I am so sorry i wrote so much i know, but thats what happened. Thank you so much in advance for any advice you can give.
The Answer
Oh for Christ's Sake talk to the poor boy.
You are not solving the problem by pretending to be cheerful and all happy and about it instead of honestly asking him how he is doing and what has changed.
Could he be cheating or no longer interested in you? Sure, those things are possible, but it sounds more like he was massively stressed out, sullen, and distracted. Of course you'll never know unless you say "Dude, you didn't seem like yourself. What's up?"
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The Question
I'm so afraid of my ex girlfriend seven years after she dumped me and then destroyed my confidence by accusing me of stalking her just for trying to make peace that every time I see her I want to run and hide.
My current girlfriend switches between being so nice to me and being incredibly angry and hurtful everytime I do anything wrong.
I can't get a job, and my writing isn't selling.
And I just want to smash my head against a wall but don't because I don't have it in me to do so.
I have this sneaking suspicion that when I die, all I'll have to show for my life is nothing.
Male, 27. Someone, I'm not asking for miracles, just an actual solution to my life that doesn't involve disconnecting from reality and curling in a ball for the rest of my days.
The Answer
Not a miracle? Just a solution to your life?
I'm curious what you'd consider a miracle!
The first thing to do is break your problems down into manageable chunks.
Often, when our lives are spinning out of control, we are tempted to throw our hangs up in the air and give up. It all seems too much, and it IS too much, if you try to handle it all at once.
So, a few of your problems as I see it:
You have low confidence
You are irrationally obsessed with a seven year old problem.
You cannot find work.
You are having struggles with your girlfriend.
Now pick one. Just one. And start brainstorming possible solutions to just that ONE issue. I'm going to do a bit of this below, but it's NOT a solution to your life, this is just some notes to get you started. There will be more you need to add and flesh out. Don't overwhelm yourself though: Perhaps brainstorm solutions to one issue a day, or one every other day. Give yourself time to let the difficult and your thoughts about it sit.
You are irrationally obsessed with a seven year old problem.
You probably already know that this is a very silly issue.
It was seven years ago and it should not have this kind of impact on your life.
You should also have begun to realize that 'making peace' as you imagine it, is NOT something she wants to do. So the real problem is not the lack of peace, it's your inability to accept the lack of 'making peace' and get over the fear of her.
A quick, simple solution: The next time you see her, don't run. Continue to do what you were doing. Ignore each other. Perhaps after ignoring each other on a few encounters, you might smile and nod slightly at her. Is this scary? Hell yes. But it's also small, simple progress forward. A smile, a nod, and a Hello might be all the peace you ever achieve between you and your ex, but doesn't that sound more peaceful than your current approach?
You can't get a job.
What kind of job and how desperate are you? It's okay not to flip burgers if you don't want too, but it's not okay to not flip burgers if you can't make rent unless you flip burgers.
If you are not desperate and do not want to flip burgers, then the truth is not that you CAN'T find a job, it's that you haven't found the right one yet.
If you are desperate, a solution might be to put aside a whole week of your life to looking for a job. For 5 days, 95, call 'looking for a job' your full time job. Print 50 resumes and walk in to places and ask to speak to the manager. It becomes a game of numbers: Eventually, you will get a job that way. It might not be one you like, but you can start to pay rent.
If you aren't desperate, brainstorm ways you could make connections to the kind of job you do want: Is there somewhere you could volunteer? Someone you could e-mail and ask to job shadow or take to coffee and say "Okay, so how do you job hunt in this industry I want to be part of?"
Okay, so I threw a lot at you there, but the hard work is really up to you. No one else can 'solve your life' for you. Even you probably can't 'solve your life'. You are just setting yourself up to fail when you think about it like that. Instead, break your problems down into more manageable chunks. If, while you are brainstorming solutions, you come across other problems that seem to large to handle (ie, I don't have any experience! or something) put that aside and start breaking it down into bite size pieces too.
Life is as much about baby steps at 27 as it was at 2.
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The Question
My wife of 24 years has just left me and moved back to her parents citing my unreasonable behaviour but I am suffering depression and on medication ,I have changed the way I react to people and sent all my phone contacts a text stating I was going to become a changed person ,given up smoking ,been going to a counsellor with my wife and now she says that she has not loved me for a couple of years.I have 2 boys 1 is 21 and in the army the other is 15 and she has left him here with me.she wants her freedom not a mothers commitment but I have no choice in the matter and i am left to pick up the shattered remains of our lives while she goes out all the time now with friends.should I give up on her and walk away or still try to save our marriage ,my boys want me to try and save the marriage and thats what I want to do but how long is trying to save a reasonable length of time.I am 56 and my wife is 44.
The Answer
You probably aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but this the truth of what I read in this question:
If your wife doesn't want to save the marriage, then it's time to stop trying.
Regardless of what she wants, it's time to stop blaming your wife for so much.
From reading your question I really don't think you've accepted yet how difficult your life together could have been for her. A long stint of depression and 'unreasonable behaviour' is not something that a few weeks or months and a mass text message can heal. It might not ever heal.
It sounds like you've started to work on yourself and make moves towards correcting your behaviour, and that is great! But it might be too little too late to save your marriage and you need to find find a way to respect that.
I have lived with severely depressed people, and I can't tell you how often they did and said things just like what you have said here, only to fall back into their destructive habits in a matter of weeks or months. I could be wrong, but it sounds very much to me like this change is a rather recent one in you. So you must ask yourself, should she trust you right now when you say you've changed? In light of everything that has happened in the past, Is it so wrong of her to have run out of hope? Is it really all her fault if the love between you died?
You ARE left to pick up the pieces. It's not fair, but there it is. You are left to do so because your wife said "I truly can't take it anymore." That doesn't make her a horrible person. She did the right thing. She went to counselling with you and she told you the truth: Her affection has died and she needs out. That was the right thing for her to to if it was the truth.
In this question you call into question her love as a mother, and her responsibility to your family and even her ability to lean on friends in this difficult time for her, and I have to ask: How dare you? How dare you speak so cruelly of the women who stood by you through what has probably been miserable, damaging and at times even plain out evil behaviour brought on by your illness and difficulties, the mother of your children, and a fellow human being who is in as much pain as she likely is right now...
Continue to go the counsellor together, and work out a situation with respect so that your sons can have the relationship with both of you that they deserve and desire. Go back to counselling with a bit of empathy and respect for all the sacrifices and difficulties your wife has faced in your life together. Humble yourself a bit and remind yourself of your respect for her, even if she makes choices you don't completely agree with. Only from that position of understanding and respect do you have any chance of a happy outcome.
Lobby for the best for your sons, but leave attacking her choices out of it. It sounds to me like you are both doing your best. Keep on doing that, and do it with a bit more sympathy and respect for your wife.
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The Question
My boyfriend says my cum tastes sour. Not like rotten sour, but like actually sour. Is this normal?
The Answer
What did he expect? Diet Rootbeer? A hint of rosemary and thyme?
It's probably normal. However, if you are a young lady getting into sexual activity for the first time it's time to get a full physical check up. Thats the best place to ask questions and get answers about your own body.
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The Question
Ok, I love my boyfriend to death. He is so amazing except for one thing; he's TOO honest. I know, I know it sounds stupid but I don't know...sometimes we play this little question game like if we're bored or something and we just ask each other questions. I know I probably shouldn't ask questions if I'm so afraid of the answers but I don't know...I guess I just expect him to answer all of my questions nice and sweet for some reason. Ok, for example: The other day I asked him if he thought he would get tired of me if he hung out with me for too long and he said "yeah, probably...I have to have time for hobbies and stuff" and it's like I know that logically, what he's saying makes sense, but would it have really hurt for him to just say "No, of course not!" or something? :( It just seems that he doesn't really think about how sometimes his honesty can hurt me...I mean part of me feels ridiculous for even being upset about this because all anyone ever wants in a relationship is honesty right? But on the other hand, this isn't the first time he's done this...and then after he says it and I explain that it hurts me, he's just like "Yeah, I can see how that would have hurt you"...I don't think he understands how much it hurts me? I don't know...what do you guys think I should do? Or should I just drop it?
The Answer
You need to -- mostly -- drop it.
Asking your boyfriend to lie to you to make you feel better might seem like a good idea at first, but it won't stay that way.
Would it have hurt for him to say "No, of course not."? Well, no, it wouldn't have hurt either of you today, but it might have hurt both of you a shit load in a few months when he tries to negotiate his life and alone time and you sit at home tearing up because 'but, he promised he'd never get tired of me?!"
That might sound unrealistic to you, but it happens ever day, and in almost every relationship, even in small ways.
Don't quash the boys honest nature, and work on your own confidence and security. Think of things he has done, or that you could ask him to do, that would make you feel more secure. Fundamentally, it's your job to be honest, and too accept honesty from others, but as long as you are doing your best at that, it's fair to ask him to help out a bit -- not by ending his honesty, but by making sure you both share other positive honest things about why you like and value each other.
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The Question
So, my boyfriend and I haven't been dating for very long and we decided to NOT have sex for a longgg time down the road. Which I think is great! But we're young and live with our parents and stuff. I mean we do things like dry humping and touchy feely and things like that but I get soo paranoid that someone's going to walk in or say something. My opinion is we're not having sex, we are being responsible but we DO have hormones! What do you think? Do you really think our parents would freak out? Do you think what we're doing is okay?
The Answer
Yes, what you are doing is okay and
Yes, your parents might freak out.
Frankly, the best thing you can do is also the scariest thing you can do -- TALK to your parents.
Very few people manage to have their sex lives NEVER interrupted by someone they live with. That falls under the 'shit happens' category of life, but you might be able to save yourself (and your parents) for that fretful, horrible conversation after it does happen, but screwing up your courage and dealing with the issue before it arrises.
Tell them what you and your boyfriend have agreed on. Tell them you make out pretty hot and heavy but that they don't need to worry about sex and you wanted them to know that. Ask them if you can talk to them about it - someday - when you think things might go that way. If they are letting you alone in a room with him they already know you are humping like bunnies. They might be happy to know its nothing more than that. (Obviously, gory details like the exact sex acts you WILL engage in are not required sharing. Keep it general and possitive.)
This will be very uncomfortable for everyone, but it puts you in a good, trusting position with them, and if they do stumble in on you and your boyfriend they will think "Shit... uh, that was awkward." instead of 'Oh my God! My Baby! What else is he doing to my baby! I'll kill him!"
I exaggerate, but still.
Talk to them about it.
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The Question
does anyone know if... if you try to communicate with someone telepathically, and you are using your own mental voice.. would they hear it in your mental voice..?
The Answer
If they hear anything, it's their imagination.
There is no evidence, no proof, not even any sorta good reason to accept telepathy as a real phenomena. There are lot of very good reasons to recognize what people experience and call telepathy, to be parts of normal human brain function that have nothing at all to do with other people's brains.
Before you get too angry, take a quick read through this great history of research into telepathy:
http://www.skepdic.com/telepath.html
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The Question
so, this guy has had a girlfriend for 2 years, and says that he is breaking it off soon. he texts and calls me almost every weekend at like 1130 asking me to come over. i really do like him, but i have told him so many times that as long as he is still in a relationship, i dont want to get involved. he does not understand that if it is kept secret it doesnt matter... how can i get it through to him that it is not going to happen while he is still with this girl? (ive tried everything, even just saying that multiple times, but he wont give up) anyyy advice?
The Answer
Just keep saying no, or better yet, stop saying anything at all.
Actions speak louder than words. It might be time to consider stepping up your actions by say -- not picking up the phone all the time or sending short, curt texts letting him know you aren't free to talk about this at the moment.
He isn't being very nice to you by ignoring your boundaries and badgering you. It might be time to stop being so damn nice to him and instead of constantly saying "Sorry... No. Really, no." just let the silence speak.
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The Question
Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for practically 3 years. And he watches porn. Now, I feel horrible whenever I find out he's been watching it. I have low self esteem and feel that when he watches it it's because I'm not pretty enough or whatever. I've told him how his watching porn takes its toll on me, and he promises to stop, which he always ends up breaking that promise :/
I satisfy him in every way possible, my sex drive is up to par, if not, even higher than his! But he just won't give up porn. He'll stop, and go back eventually. This frustrates me so much... What should I do? Should I leave? Thanks in advance :(
The Answer
You are the only one who can decide if this is worth leaving over...
But since you asked for opinions: No. I don't think you should leave an otherwise good guy just 'cause he watches porn.
A lot of people blow this issue into something far larger than it needs to be, so lets bring it right back down to basics: You two have a disagreement. You think porn is a problem. He doesn't.
Yes, it very wrong that he has tried to make you happy by lying to you about quitting, but let that go for a moment...
Porn is legal. A staggering number of people, probably the majority of people actually, watch porn on at least a regular basis, and yet, these same people are loving partners, good parents and all around respectable people. Porn is safe and normal behaviour, it doesn't make a person depraved or any less of a loving, respectful individual.
If you dislike porn, and he likes porn, then you don't have the moral high ground here -- his opinion is just as valid as yours is.
If you want to break up with a guy over his pornography habit, that's your right. You could send Prince Charming himself packing for ogling a Sports Illustrated if you wanted too. You don't have to have a 'good reason' for dumping someone, just your own reason.
But from one higher sex drive girl to another, let me tell you that I would never expect my boyfriend to give up porn, anymore than I'd be willing to hand over my well-worn copy of Pride and Prejudice, or ignore movies where Matthew McConaughey takes off his shirt. I can appreciate that the pleasure I find in Mr Darcy's charms and Matt's muscles are no threat to the intimacy I share with my partner.
We're trained to be more precious about sexual activity than romance novels and swim suit models, and that can be a good thing, considering the risks involved in sex. But in all seriousness, ask yourself if it's worth being so precious, and exercising this much control over your partner's sexual expression, that you might loose out on this (and many other) good partners.
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The Question
I recently turned 21. I was very excited for it and still am. I'm a responsible and sensible person, I go to school and work full time. When I'm not busy, I like to let loose and have a good time. The thing is, I like alcohol, very much. The problem is, my mom absolutely hates it since her mother (my grandmother) was an alcoholic. Every time I go out, she gives me this look and gets upset because she knows I'm going to drink. I can't stand it, because it makes me feel guilty for nothing and I end up not having a good time. I love my mom and tell her everything, but this is one thing that we disagree on and is tearing at our relationship. Turning 21 was supposed to be fabulous, but it's her nightmare. How do I handle this situation?
The Answer
You handle this by no longer handling it and letting it be her nightmare, and leaving her to handle her own negativity.
She's your mom. You're her adult daughter.
It's okay that she has her perspective and opinion. It's even okay that she glares and judges. (It's not nice, or considerate of her to throw negativity your way for responsible, legal behavoir, but it's not really 'wrong' either).
So, your problem here is not your mother's behavoir, it's yours. Your problem is that you carry her emotions with you. Your problem is that you are being a bit too senstive and lacking some confidence in your own decisions.
Take a deep breath. Give your mother every reasonable assurance (explain your plans, who you'll be with, where you'll be, any emergency plans, ectra.) and then leave her on her own and to deal with her own emotions. You focus on your feelings, your desire for celebration, and your confidence in your ability to make sensible, safe choices.
You just need to get a but thicker skin and recongize that you can love and respect your mother, without tying yourself to all of her feelings.
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The Question
My boyfriend says we have a normal relationship. I try to tell him it's not. He expects me to tell him everyone I pass in the hall way at work, what they say and send him pictures. If they come in my office he says they only made an excuse to come and see me that things should be controlled differently and men should not be able to just walk in my office. He takes these things out on me as well. Last Friday my boss called me in his office because he was about to leave for the day. When the boyfriend called I wasn't at my desk. he called and left vmails that were rude and ugly and when i called him back and explained he Said "you were in the office w/ 2 men?" "What else happened" Would you feel as if he is suggesting that something un professional could have happened by saying something like that? I'm at wits end and he seems to think he is doing no wrong. He says he has the right to know who I talk to and what is said and where I am and thinks if I have a problem w/ it then I have something to hide.
The Answer
Dump him.
This is not normal. Even if it was normal, it would still be completely wrong. His behaviour is controlling, manipulative and threatening. This isn't something you need to 'talk out' or 'find a compromise on'. This is something you run screaming from.
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The Question
Me: F19 boyfriend:M19
So my boyfriend that I have been dating for a year and 4 months is being a jerk. Here's the story... two weeks ago he throw a party at his older sisters house when she out of town. When the sister came back a neighbor told her he was throwing partys. She asked him if that was true, he lied and said that he threw no partys while she was gone. Well she believed the neighbor over her brother (my boyfriend). Will my boyfriend is so mad that she did not belive him. Me and his sister are good friends. We hungout all day together (two weeks after the party issue). When he realised I spend the whole day with her. This is what he sent me via text message...
Boyfriend: Im so mad at her u dont even know. And uve spent all day with her.
Me:I guess we will talk about this later... but I don't even know why you are. You did have a party at her house. She is not mad at you for it. Just drop the whole thing she believed robben over you.
Boyfriend: F*** off. Go have fun... No we wont be talking about this later. Turning off my phone! Dont text me or call or show up on my breaks.
Me:Jon you don't tell anyone to fuck off especially the one you love. That is very disrespectful, and rude. How dare you get mad at me for hanging out with your sister when you two have a problem
Me:I thought you were goingt to stop being so mean and disrespectful to people. And not treat me like sh** What happen to the guy the guy that wanted to become a better man and not turn into jeff?
* jeff is a really mean guy who treats people really badly*
What should I do? Am I wrong for hanging out with his sister? I am so mad he told me to f*** off I have a right to be right?
The Answer
You were fine to hang out with his sister, who is also your friend.
It was no very bright of you to stick yourself in the middle of his argument with her.
The correct response to his childish 'You spent all day with her, waaah, waah, poor me.' comment was not to rub salt in his wounds, but to simply defend your own choice and say “Yeah. I know you're angry with her, but she's still my friend.”
You took sides and you stirred up trouble instead of just standing up for the fact you are friends with his sister, regardless of their fight.
You were probably completely right about a situation, and still completely wrong for butting in.
Sure, your boyfriend response to your silly shit disturbing with even more rudeness and childishness, so if it’s really important to you to say he was ‘more wrong’ then sure, he was ‘more wrong’. But I think it’s important for you to recognize that you stuck yourself into the middle of a stupid argument between siblings, and what’s worse, you did over text messages, which are always a horrible way to handle a fight and a great way to cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Go ahead and be mad at him. He was childish and rude. But also pay a bit of attention to how you could have handled this better. It’s always tough to be put in the middle, but there are ways to handle it with more care and clarity then you did here
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The Question
20/f, dating a 20/m.
My bf and I have been together for almost three months, and we're getting ready to start having intercourse. Niether of us are virgins, and we've done basically everything else with each other except have sex. In the past month I've begun birth control and he and I have both gotten tested for STDs, and we're planning on using condoms. So safe sex is a sure thing.
But I also believe that having a dialogue about sex before starting it is crucial, involving discussing our sexual history. I've told him about my sexual past, including funny embarassing stories and things that I do and don't like in bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with hearing it and it really got us to a new level of trust. I invited him to share his experiences with me, but all he said he didn't like talking about it.
I'm really curious about his past, but I don't want to pressure him into telling me about anything that makes him uncomfortable. All I know is that he's had "Maybe just the one" previous partner, but I don't know anything else. Should I just get used to not knowing? I really don't want to pry, but if I'm going to be sleeping with him, does that make it at least a little of my business? Or no? I'm confused and I just want to know if I should drop the whole subject, and get used to being curious.
Thanks in advance!
The Answer
Some people don't find this kind of sharing fun, and that can be respected. However, I also agree with you that that some dicussions about sexual history are simply mandatory in someone wants into my pants.
So put your curisity on the back burner for now and think about this way:
What do you need to know in order to feel comfortable and secure having a sexual relationship with him?
This isn't so much about 'your bussiness' as it is about your comfort level and your bounderies. If I knew someone was reticient to give details about thier sex life this would be my short list of questions that I'd want to have answered prior to having sex with them:
How many partners?
Did you always use condoms? Really always?
Do you know how to use condoms? Actually know?
What are your feelings about abortion? Can we talk about what happens if we encounter one of the risks/STIs/pregnancy scares?
Have you ever been checked for STIs? If not, do you know where to get checked for STIs?
So, my advice would be to respect his desire not to give you the gory details. He might not want to 'kiss and tell' or he might just not be experienced and comfortable sharing those sorts of stories. (By all means ask him why it is he doesn't want to talk about it, although he might not know himself.) At the same time, let him know that some things must be discussed before you're willing to have sex with him. Write up your own list of things you feel you must have talked out with him first, and see if you can get on the same page that way.
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The Question
I haven't spoken to my father in 8 months, Let me begin...
A year ago, My oldest sister and my father had a fight as my father is remarried and my oldest sister never saw eye to eye with her. My stepmother is very manipulative and often told my sister the right and wrongs of how to raise her children. Eventually, My father had felt that my sister was coming between him and his wife because my sister had stated that she doesn't appreciate her stating her opinions also she wrote a letter regarding her feelings towards my father. My father never really seem like he wanted me or my sister in his life, His time spent with us were almost as if they were a burden to him as he put his wife before his kids.
My father had called my oldest telling her (at 8 months) to have a nice life, Leaving behind her and her 3 children at the time. I was bothered from the beginning and over time my relationship with my father began to fade due to lack of respect and gradually I began to feel my step mother had got her way. It is now 8 months later since I have spoken to my father, I have been wanting to write him a letter for quiet some time now and I haven't had the sense to even know how I would approach it as I just cut complete contact without saying a word. I feel I need closure and that letting my father know how I truly feel is never too late, Although it will not solve the issue I would like to let him know that I will no longer be involved in his life and why. What I am asking is should I do this? I need opinions and much is appreciated
Thank you
The Answer
You've been given spetacular advice here, but I will toss one more vote into the 'seek therapy' collumn, and add this note:
If you tell your therapist that you believe it's very important for you to write this letter, they will almost definately help you do so. They might advise agianst it, but if it's still your choice, most will help you do it.
A therapist or counselor could help you clarify your whys and wishes from sending a letter, and help you craft something with the best chance of moving you towards what you want and need, and help you deal with the fallout of not getting what you want as well.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to "Should I write the letter?". Each person and each family is unique, and if you feel compelled to communicate in some way to close this door firmly, or just to share your thoughts, I think you should.
However, there is definately a right and wrong way to write such a letter. So, regardless of your choice to send it or not send it, talk it over with a proffesional.
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