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Letter to my father..
I haven't spoken to my father in 8 months, Let me begin...
A year ago, My oldest sister and my father had a fight as my father is remarried and my oldest sister never saw eye to eye with her. My stepmother is very manipulative and often told my sister the right and wrongs of how to raise her children. Eventually, My father had felt that my sister was coming between him and his wife because my sister had stated that she doesn't appreciate her stating her opinions also she wrote a letter regarding her feelings towards my father. My father never really seem like he wanted me or my sister in his life, His time spent with us were almost as if they were a burden to him as he put his wife before his kids.
My father had called my oldest telling her (at 8 months) to have a nice life, Leaving behind her and her 3 children at the time. I was bothered from the beginning and over time my relationship with my father began to fade due to lack of respect and gradually I began to feel my step mother had got her way. It is now 8 months later since I have spoken to my father, I have been wanting to write him a letter for quiet some time now and I haven't had the sense to even know how I would approach it as I just cut complete contact without saying a word. I feel I need closure and that letting my father know how I truly feel is never too late, Although it will not solve the issue I would like to let him know that I will no longer be involved in his life and why. What I am asking is should I do this? I need opinions and much is appreciated
Thank you
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You've been given spetacular advice here, but I will toss one more vote into the 'seek therapy' collumn, and add this note:
If you tell your therapist that you believe it's very important for you to write this letter, they will almost definately help you do so. They might advise agianst it, but if it's still your choice, most will help you do it.
A therapist or counselor could help you clarify your whys and wishes from sending a letter, and help you craft something with the best chance of moving you towards what you want and need, and help you deal with the fallout of not getting what you want as well.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to "Should I write the letter?". Each person and each family is unique, and if you feel compelled to communicate in some way to close this door firmly, or just to share your thoughts, I think you should.
However, there is definately a right and wrong way to write such a letter. So, regardless of your choice to send it or not send it, talk it over with a proffesional.
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I'd advise against it.
You've got a small chance that you might actually get some level of relief from it. You've got a bigger chance that he'll just use it as an excuse to hate and forget about you too, he'll read what he wants to hear and think about you into what you say whether you say it or not, and you'll have sent a letter that makes HIM feel like he's justified in being the asshole he apparently is.
Some of us get shitty parents. It's the truth. I did, you did, many other people I know did. There are a ton of people on this planet who should have been sterilized to prevent reproduction, but human rights kind of gets in the way of that. My parents and yours both fit into that category, and now they leave the burden of their broken children to others to pick up the pieces.
Go to therapy. Not kidding. A letter is more likely to continue to hurt you and provide another issue to be upset about. He's probably getting what he wants, and a letter he can ignore, which will hurt you further.
Therapy will help you learn to cope with the realities of your life and move on, which means the victory is yours, because he's still an asshole.
At the very least, a therapist who's been seeing you for a while can give you much better advice on what sending this letter might do to you or for you, and give you better advice on what and how to send it.
Right now, my answer to you is wait. You want to resolve this somehow. The letter more than likely won't resolve it at all.
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Whether you want to have a relationship with your father is a very personal decision. I made that decision almost a decade ago for many of the same reasons you present and some reasons of my own. I too struggled with whether or not I should write my father and explain why I had decided to cut him from my life. In the end he made the decision for me telling the older family members a story that got him the greatest amount of sympathy. Since I was forced to explain myself to the elders in my family I felt I had earned the right to tell him of the hurt he had caused me and why it had finally come to a point that I could no longer stand be in the same room with him.
In one respect it was the hardest letter I have ever written and in another it was also the easiest letter I have ever written. I let everything out; from how he abused me as a child, mental not physical, to his disrespect of my wife and son. How he favored one grandchild over another while telling the other, my son, how he favored him over the others. I did not hold back a thing including the fact that I had informed the family that the version he was putting out was not quite truthful and I had informed them what it was like growing up in his house and afterwards.
This is what went into my letter, yours will be somewhat different. The benefit will be that you will have an opportunity to get this off your chest. Yes, you will be burning a bridge with your father that will most likely be not repairable. For me and my family this has not been a problem as my father showed us his true colors long before I wrote the letter. When my son and I were both seriously injured in separate work related car accidents and not word one do we hear from him, I do not regret for a minute telling him off and telling him that I don’t want him in my life and he should make no attempt to get back into my life.
My story is much different than yours or KarneRs’ and I do not disagree with what she is telling you. What we are discussing is a very personal and private matter. Something that will be next to impossible to fix should you decide to go ahead with what you are thinking and then down the road have a change of heart. From what you wrote you have every right to be upset and to disassociate yourself from your father. You also have every right to write him and tell him the why and wherefores’.
In the end though neither KarenR nor I can tell you yes write the letter or no do not write the letter. My advice to you is to consult with your wife as well as your brothers and sisters before you make a decision as to whether or not to write this letter. I ask that you consult with them only for the fact that should you write the letter it will have an impact on them and they should at least know of the letter if not have some input into it if they would like. I consulted my wife, son and my sister before I sent my letter off.
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I advise you not to do it.
This happened in my own family. My dad was married many times and some of the women weren't the most pleasant creatures. Especially the next to the last one. When my daughter, who was then 3 years old climbed on his lap during a Christmas visit, this woman was jealous. As soon as my daughter hopped down to get something, she jumped on his lap so my daughter couldn't get back up there.
My youngest brother who was about a high school freshman was told he couldn't visit anymore (by her). She felt he was old enough that he didn't need to be staying every other weekend with his dad. Besides, she liked running around in her bra & it just wouldn't be appropriate with a young teenage boy in the house. I'd like to add that this woman had a butt so big & wide she could stand behind a pick up truck and hide the tailgate. My 14 year old brother was not interested in looking at her.
My brother continued to visit a couple more years.
This woman's hate for him grew. When he married & had a child of his own she told him not to come visit anymore. She didn't like his kids. Same story with my sister and other brothers. They stopped visiting my dad.
I kept visiting only because my attitude was she may not like me but I'm not here to see her. I very "sweetly" ignored most of her barbs and my
husband did the same. If she expressed jealousy over my kids, I made a joke about how a grown woman was jealous of a little baby girl. It continued until he got rid of that one and moved on.
His last wife was very much the opposite. Having come from a family where her own children ignored her unless she had money to hand over, she always enjoyed seeing us and our kids.
By this time though 15 or 20 years had passed for my brothers and sisters. Especially my youngest brother. His oldest kids were all grown & almost graduated from high school. After 20 years its a little difficult to just show up and try to resume a relationship.
My dad discovered a couple of years ago that he had an abdominal aneurysm. In testing him for surgery, they discovered he had a pretty aggressive form of lung cancer. They couldn't fix the aneurysm because the cancer was to far advanced. His wife had a big BBQ and invited everyone. All the kids and grands came except my 2 younger brothers. Heck my mom even came, his first of the 4 wives.
About a week later the aneurysm broke. He had surgery but it was doubtful he would wake from it. They keep you in a drug induced coma for 24 hours or so after a surgery like that to help the body heal. My dad never took very well to knock out drugs. Of course the medical staff thought they knew better than us & didn't give him enough. Thankfully my youngest brother put pride aside and showed up to see him. When dad heard him he woke for just long enough to tell my brother he loved him. They were his last words.
He was given stronger knock out drugs & he never woke again.
I tell you this story so you will understand that time & things change. Don't let this woman bully you or your sister. Don't allow what she says or thinks keep you from visiting your dad.
Yes indeed he should be supporting his kids against her, but it doesn't always work that way. You will both have to understand that your dad is married to a freaking idiot. For whatever reason your dad loves her. Love sometimes makes a man stupid. Sorry men but its true. I've also found that dads have a hard time expressing their feelings to their kids. I'll always be grateful to his last wife for making my dad realize its OK
to tell your kids you love them. Don't just assume they know, she'd tell him. They need to hear it now and then. Your dad just doesn't know
how to express his feelings. He may also feel some guilt for divorcing your mom & not being in your life more.
Here is the thing. If you all stay away and write dad off. This bitch wins. She gets just exactly what she wanted. Your dad all to herself. Don't let her win. My brother feels somewhat better that he got to let my dad know he loved him. He also feels terribly bad that he missed so many years of visiting him now and then. My dad never got to know his kids. He will never get over that.
So don't write that letter. Hard as it will be, get that sister of yours and go visit. Don't let some woman bully you into staying away. Life is way to short to keep a family feud going. This woman tries to tell you or your sister how to raise your kids, ignore her like her stupid little opinion doesn't matter. Don't argue with
her. It just makes you guys look bad. IGNORE HER.
Be polite when you have to speak to her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her. She will keep it up and soon look like the bully she is to your dad.
If your dad didn't have some feelings for your sister, he wouldn't have taken the time to call her and say what he did. His feelings are hurt.
Believe me, it would have been much easier for him to remain silent & go on with his life.
Its ok not to like this woman, but don't let her ruin the lives of your family.
Best of luck.
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