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Boyfriend won't talk to me about his past
20/f, dating a 20/m.
My bf and I have been together for almost three months, and we're getting ready to start having intercourse. Niether of us are virgins, and we've done basically everything else with each other except have sex. In the past month I've begun birth control and he and I have both gotten tested for STDs, and we're planning on using condoms. So safe sex is a sure thing.
But I also believe that having a dialogue about sex before starting it is crucial, involving discussing our sexual history. I've told him about my sexual past, including funny embarassing stories and things that I do and don't like in bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with hearing it and it really got us to a new level of trust. I invited him to share his experiences with me, but all he said he didn't like talking about it.
I'm really curious about his past, but I don't want to pressure him into telling me about anything that makes him uncomfortable. All I know is that he's had "Maybe just the one" previous partner, but I don't know anything else. Should I just get used to not knowing? I really don't want to pry, but if I'm going to be sleeping with him, does that make it at least a little of my business? Or no? I'm confused and I just want to know if I should drop the whole subject, and get used to being curious.
Thanks in advance!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Before my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time I knew he had had sex once with some girl WITH protection. That was all I knew before we had sex. Mostly I just wanted to make sure he had protection so he didn't have any STD's or such to share. I didn't find out the whole story until recently and we've been together for 1 year 3 months and have been having sex for 1 year 1 month. It was a really embarrassing story and I can totally understand why he didn't want to tell me. Past is the past, all you need to do is protect youself (from STD's) and the story will eventually make it's way out when he's ready. If you pressure him into making him spill it, it could hurt your trust instead of help it.
To sum it up, just find out how many people he's done what with. It doesn't matter who or under what circumstance these acts happened. Now if he wont share this basic information then he's either hiding something or trying to make you think he's had more experience than he really does.
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Communication is a huge thing in any relationship, Sexual talk is even bigger because we spill out our dos and don't dislikes and likes etc. If your boyfriend can't be mature enough to discuss his past with you then he isn't mature enough to be having sex with simple as that. Discussing sex with your partner is important, We learn where they come from who they been with and it brings a whole new level of trust. I certainly would not want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to tell me their past. Sure, It is not everyone's favorite topic but sometimes we need to except the fact that not everything is a piece of pie to discuss with our partners. If he won't talk to you, Move on
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You should not get used to not knowing. Communication and willingness to share is important. If he's not willing to talk eventually, move on.
That said, there's probably a pretty good chance that he's more inexperienced than you are an is insecure about it. Maybe he's lying about not being a virgin. Maybe he's had a drunken one night stand that never repeated itself. Undoubtedly he's less experienced than he wants to admit to.
You need to get him to share. Sex is going to suck between you two if you've got a boyfriend who's hung up on performing and meeting expectations, especially if he IS inexperienced.
Make it clear that you don't care what his history is, but that you want to know it. Let him know that what matters to you isn't what he's done, but that he trusts you enough to be willing to share it with you and trust you to only like him more as he shares himself with you. But be firm about it. This isn't something you should compromise on, because whether it's pride, embarrassment, or mistrust that's getting in the way, you need to figure that out before the intimacy gets jacked up a few notches.
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Some people don't find this kind of sharing fun, and that can be respected. However, I also agree with you that that some dicussions about sexual history are simply mandatory in someone wants into my pants.
So put your curisity on the back burner for now and think about this way:
What do you need to know in order to feel comfortable and secure having a sexual relationship with him?
This isn't so much about 'your bussiness' as it is about your comfort level and your bounderies. If I knew someone was reticient to give details about thier sex life this would be my short list of questions that I'd want to have answered prior to having sex with them:
How many partners?
Did you always use condoms? Really always?
Do you know how to use condoms? Actually know?
What are your feelings about abortion? Can we talk about what happens if we encounter one of the risks/STIs/pregnancy scares?
Have you ever been checked for STIs? If not, do you know where to get checked for STIs?
So, my advice would be to respect his desire not to give you the gory details. He might not want to 'kiss and tell' or he might just not be experienced and comfortable sharing those sorts of stories. (By all means ask him why it is he doesn't want to talk about it, although he might not know himself.) At the same time, let him know that some things must be discussed before you're willing to have sex with him. Write up your own list of things you feel you must have talked out with him first, and see if you can get on the same page that way.
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Well for me I'm always curious, even when I know that I'll never get to know about my partners past.
In time he may open up to you about it...but you never know.
Expect to never know, but hope to find out (that's what I do)
Have you tried asking why he doesn't want to talk about it? If not next time the subject comes up ask him how come he doesn't like talking about it.
Don't pry though, it may have been a bad experience that he doesn't want to remember.So just let it go if he seems irritated or upset after you ask him.. maybe even ask him if in time he would eventually tell you what happened.
good luck! :)
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