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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have been married one year. My husband doesnt work and doesnt look for a job. Ever since we have gotten together I have noticed a huge change in my 3 year old sons behavior. he doesnt listen to anyone he acts up a lot. yells at everyone. My husband doesnt help me with the kids, house work anything. I am only 19 years old. I have two children. I am orignally from ohio but i moved to missouri two years ago with my father. I have no family here other than my father. I want to move back to ohio. but dont want to leave my father. I have been trying yo get my husband to help and look for a job since october. everytime i talk to him about it he helps for a day or so and then everything goes back to the way it was. I am miserable and feel my son deserves better. Sometimes i feel guilty that i plan on leaving my husband any advice??
The Answer
Stop feeling guilty and start making a plan.
You are only nineteen years old and you have children to worry about. Their lives and health (and your own) need to take precedent over any responsibility you have to your father. You need to seek out the living arrangements that help you be the best mom you can be.
If your husband has been jobless since October, and isn't making enough effort in your eyes to change that fact AND hasn't been pulling his weight at home, you have plenty sufficient reasons to decide the situation isn't working out for you.
The important thing, if you've decided to leave, is to make sure you have a plan that make things as smooth and safe as possible for you and your kids.
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The Question
I am not anorexic. I eat whenever I'm hungry and I eat until I feel full. I even eat snacks in between meals. I think my parents mostly have issues with my portion sizes and my choice to eat tofu meals. I eat small portions because eating too much makes me feel uncomfortable.
I want to be vegan when I move out (I've done my research) so I've been trying to cook my own meals with tofu lately. My parents make me eat fish and chicken whenever they make it because for some reason they have this idea that I can't possibly survive on a vegan diet. But I'm fine with that; I'll just wait until I graduate.
But my mom constantly, constantly, CONSTANTLY reminds me to eat. Actually it's more of a nagging voice. I'm really defensive about it too, which is why I called her out on it this morning. Needless to say she accused me of anorexia.
I don't know how to convince these people that I'm not anorexic. My mother's entire family is on the larger side (but she takes care of her figure) but my father and brother are super thin. I also have tiny little breasts and wear a tube bra because padded bras feel fake and I obviously don't need the support. Ever since I started wearing this tube bra it seems like my breasts look smaller which only heightens my "anorexic" appearance. I've actually gotten comments and stares from my relatives. Meh, it's not my fault my breasts won't grow and quite frankly I like them this way. It seems like everyone else is way more concerned about my breast size than I am.
PS: I'm 5'4, 110-115 lbs, and my bra size is 34A-quite different than my mom's size D.
Any advice?
Thanks guys :).
The Answer
See a nutritionist and talk it over with them and your mom.
I can't tell from your question whether you have an eating disorder or not. Like your mother, I'm sceptical -- Veganism is far too often used as a shield to hide an eating disorder. And very few people who have an eating disorder realize they are doing it from the get go.
I'm not saying that you are, only that many, many young women do, so it's not as irrational of your mother to be concerned about as you might think. Talking about your diet choices with a professional and your mom in the room would likely help to calm her fears AND correct you if you are actually behaving improperly.
Even if you don't want to take your mother along, you SHOULD see a doctor since you are experiencing discomfort with even slight over eating. It is possible there is something medically wrong with your digestive tract that is suppressing your appetite and causing discomfort. I do have to say you sound shocking like a friend of mine who was diagnosed with Chromes Disease in her early teens...
You sound like a lovely, respectful and intelligent young lady and of course you might be just fine! But I hope you can realize that there are a few little alarm bells in your question as far as an eating disorder or a medical issue. It is rational, for your own health, and for your parents’ comfort, to seek some medical guidance and do some double-checking on your health.
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The Question
From the time I was almost two my mom hasn't been there for me. Shocking, considering it's usually the father that leaves the kids with the mother. No, in my case it was the other way around. My dad raised my brother and I alone while she raised our half-brother on her own.
When I say she's never been there for me, I really do mean she's never been there for me. I'm about to turn 19; if I added up all of the time I've spent with her (seconds, minutes, hours, days) it'd probably be somewhere around a year/ year and a half that I've spent with her. And that's giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Recently, she had my half-brother go meet her (by the way, she drives an 18-wheel truck for American Express; she's ALWAYS gone). She had him lie to me so I wouldn't go with him. I found out because he tripped and fell, fracturing his shoulder. When he told me the story I was confused; why was he at a truck stop, he said he was going to his friend's house. Secret revealed, and when I asked my mom about it she said I overreacted and needed to be more mature. Yeah, sure I do, I thought. You're the one that's never been there for me anyway, why should I take your advice.
Now I'm noticing that she calls my half-brother, but not me. I really don't know why. Maybe it's because she found out I found a few cassette tape recordings from the custody battle/child support hearings my parents' attended, or because I'm starting to stand up for myself.
She always seems to just want to be my friend instead of my mom. She's there when it's convenient FOR HER.
Is that right, or is she right by saying I'm "overreacting" ?
This has me really screwed up, worse than my parents' divorce, I'm contemplating cutting her out of my life for my own sanity.
The Answer
Many adult children need to realize this at some point:
You can either hate your parent for never loving you the way they should have and the way you want them too, or you can try to forgive them their failures, and accept whatever fucked up kind of love they are able to give you.
I always think cutting someone out completely should be an absolutely last resort. Maybe it's come to that, but honestly, I think it's worth it for you to try and find a way to have a relationship with your mom, even though it will not be the relationship you hope for by any means.
I think she is absolutely wrong in saying you over reacted. She had your sibling lie to you about seeing her. That's pretty low no matter how you swing it.
I know what I'm saying will sound really tough, because I'm basically saying that you should take the high road and be the adult in this relationship, and that is a rough thing to ask of any teenager to do when it comes to their mom. I've met forty year olds who can't manage what I'm going to suggest you do.
Ask to speak to her. Tell your half brother to tell her you just want to chat, to connect.
Avoid conversations about past problems. Even make a quick list of things you could tell her: Classes you really like. Achievements you've made. Write down some questions for her that she might want to talk about: What does she listen to when she drives? Mindless positive things like that to simply get the conversation flowing.
Then don't talk for more than about 15 minutes at most. Making sure the conversation has a set 'end time' in your own mind is really helpful. Say you have someplace to be, thank her for talking to you, and hang up.
Your mom isn't going to change. She will probably always be a self absorbed, lying bitch. The only thing you can control is how you respond to it, and what you expect from her. A few friendly conversations a year might be all you ever get from her, but if you want even that, you'll need to be the bigger person who makes it happen.
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The Question
So this sounds totally shallow which is bad but I'm kinda desperate. I'm on my own for money now that I'm an adult and a minimum wage job part time just isnt cutting it with college and everything. I'm not a bad looking girl and I was wondering how I would go about finding a boyfriend(ish?) person to take care of me a bit...
i'm almost embarrassed to ask about this haha... has anyone had any experience with this sort of thing? please share...
The Answer
It's not safe.
Sugar Daddies aren't boyfriends. They are men who are paying you for sex (or maybe just companionship, but almost always some sort of sex).
You are talking about becoming a sex worker.
You can pretend it's not sex work, and call it other things, but it carries almost all of the exact same risks as being an escort or high end prositute.
Sex work is not a safe thing to do in most places. Some people do get lucky, and meet kind, considerate men who want no strings attached fooling around. Most meet men who are emotionally abusive and take inappropraite sexual risks.
Please, please, stay off Craigslist. If you are absolutely going to do this, make sure at least one, if not more of your girlfriends are aware of it and know where you are going when you met these men. Check in with them over phone calls and give them the address of where you are at for at least the first few dates. There are a lots of 'dating sites' out there for women and men looking to met eachother for this kind of relationship, a quick google will bring em up for you.
But really, don't do this unless you are honest and comfortable with the fact that even if you do it only once, with one guy, it IS sex work and comes with all the same risks as sex work.
Above all, be safe.
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The Question
Uh, I have asked this question numerous times to try and get answers for my problem. So, here it is again. I am fifteen and female.
This goes back to Jr high when I was in 7th (12 yrs.), 8th (13 yrs.), and 9th grade (14 yrs). I am in band and this is relating to my relationship with my Jr high band director. He was and still is an amazing guy. People, my peers and some of his other students really questioned the relationship we had. I always just saw it as him being a father figure to me. I trusted him and he was always there for me. Always. To help you decide, I will name a few things about our relationship and you tell me what you think..
-In the beginning of school I didn't really care about my looks and when I started getting older and caring more about my appearance, he notices immediately and he commented that my hair looks different and that he likes it.
-I would be in a lesson with him and he would allow me to stay after and miss a little bit of my next period to help him set up seats and stands for practice with the whole band.
-If you teach band or orchestra, you also teach a music class, he would let me sit in on his music classes and listen to what he has to say or if I didn't have anything to do in study hall, he would let me sit in on his classes and play on his computer.
-At the end of ninth grade, all of the ninth graders got a trophy for completing band and we hugged when I gave him mine.
-One time in practice I got excited because I got the hardest piece down and I put my hand on his thigh in excitement, not to make move or anything, I was just so happy. He didn't move my hand, he listened to what I had to say.
-He would always call me by my first and last name so I told him one time I was going to call him by his first name and I started doing it and he didn't mind. But when my friend tried doing it he would tell her that she can get in trouble for doing it.
-If I didn't like a class, he would write me a pass to get out of gym or something to go down and practice.
-I would intentionally be late for classes by stopping in bathrooms and checking my hair and stuff, the bell would ring and I would walk down to his office and he would just look at me at his desk and say "(first and last name) late again?" and I would shake my head yea and he would write me a late pass. Always.
-I don't live far from school, so after Sr high band practice, I would walk home and hear the Jr high band practicing, so I would walk in and listen to them and he'd introduce me and let me sit in and listen to them and help the young'ins out if they need it.
-If my clarinet had a problem, he would let me go into his office and into his desk to look for the tool I needed to fix it. He also let me take reeds without paying, when he made the rest of the students pay a dollar for each one they took.
-His office is right smack dab in the music hall suite and he always kept his door shut to keep the practicing instruments out and I would go in and talk to him about random things when I was bored and the door would always be shut and kids would walk by making kissy faces.
-He had since become a father when I left for the Sr high, while I was still a student of his, he and I would joke around that whenever the special day comes that he would be blessed with a bundle of joy that he is going to have a girl, they're going to name it after me and she was going to grow up exactly like me. He always joked back that he would put her up for adoption if that were to happen.
-Sometimes when band would let out, I would be sitting on the sidewalk waiting for a ride and he would always always always made sure I had a ride before he left.
-My mom said that if I ever had this kind of relationship with any other teacher, she would be worried.
-Lastly, this might just be me but I feel like every time he made a joke, he would look over at me to see if I was laughing.
I am sorry it is so long, it's just, since the show Pretty Little Liars, people from Jr high have been texting me "wow, Aria and Fitz are a lot like you and.. who? (;" Please tell me what you think of our relationship. Don't tell me to put it behind me, that he isn't my teacher anymore so I shouldn't worry about it because I still see him when I go to help out the Jr high kids. I need answers, I don't care how long. Thanks!
The Answer
You need to stop.
Although you still see him from time to time, it's time to let this go.
I've already given you my opinion on your earlier question. Yes, I feel you crossed normal student/teacher bounderies, but it was probably harmless inexperience on his side and awkward friendship, nothing more. He was a new teacher and was discovering his role. You were a keen student and a pleasant kid.
The rest of this is happening in your head, and you need to stop it before it seriously mucks up your ability to connect with other, availble young men and build real relationships with guys.
Ignore your friends who are teasing you.
He was a good teacher who was learning how to be a great teacher, and with you, he may have crossed a few lines, but nothing in this suggests more than that. Even your mother felt it would be wrong but trusted HIM, this praticular teacher, and his intentions.
I don't believe for a second he had rommantic thoughts about you. That's happening in your brain, not his.
You are developing an obessesion, and you need to stop it. Your behavoir is becoming a problem in your life that has almost nothing to do with him anymore. Stop living in the past fantasy world. You only see him from time to time now, you need to keep it that way, and let it go.
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The Question
I'm a 19 year old female, and I should be over this sort of thing. I'm very shy, and super sensitive about everything that happens to me. I probably read too much into things like little comments, but I can't help it. I instantly think that everyone hates me (even though I know they have no reason to). I can't take criticism. When I don't see my boyfriend for a day or 2 or if he doesn't call me, I feel sad and I cry because I feel like he doesn't love me since he hasn't called. If hes talking to someone else I feel like hes talking and whispering something about me, then I get sad and ignore him. If he yells at me because he says I want too much attention. I will cry, If he talks to me about it later then Im happy. I don't want him to leave me. There's been times when I think hes ignoring me because I just want to spend time with him. I have tendencies to become jealous very, very quickly; I get cry over everything; I push away my friend because I over react to everything. I get jealous when he talks to other people and ignores me. I dint want him all to myself, but I want him to spend more time with me. I get emotional over the most ridiculous things. I have now hurt my relationship with him, and I am at a loss for what to do. I need help. I get sad when he looks at other women or when I see one from his job, because I think he might like them. I just keep thinking he might wanna be with them, because they are pretty and have acne and scars. I don't bother him 24/7 and Im not always knocking on his door.
I dont get mad about things and throw tanturms, Im just mostly sad.
Then there are examples like today at the store, it was packed to the brim with people and screaming kids. It was all I could do to get out of there without losing it completely, and when I was at the register I asked the cashier if I could have 20 quarters for my 5 dollar bill and she refused saying that only place I can do that is to go to a casino. As a result, as soon as I got in my car I burst into tears. I don't even know why! She wouldn't give me quarters, big deal?
AM I really emotionally immature?
The Answer
I think 'emtionally immature' is pointless name calling.
However, you have a problem, and you know it.
Your emotions are ruling, and ruining, your life and relationships. You are prone to paranonia, you use your depression and unhappiness as a way to try and control others and make them give you what you want, and I would bet you are often rude as well.
Please know, I'm really not trying to 'call you names' here. These problems are VERY real and part of your inability to take criticism, is that you don't want to face them and be reponsible for changing them.
I'm a pretty senstive person as well. I could see me doing exactly what you describe here if I hadn't learned not too and I am SO glad I learned not too. I wouldn't have even a little bit of the happiness I do have in my life if I hadn't dealt with my emtions and bad behavoir.
You need a therapist or counselor to help you work through these bad thought patterns and habits. You need more advice, and long term support then we can offer here. Above all though, you have to realize that what you are doing is wrong and destructive, both for you and the people around you, and to be willing to change.
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The Question
18F.
So I have a yeast infection, have had it for months now and the thing just won't go away. I'm on medication -have been. So I'm still trying to get rid of the dang thing.
But a few weekends ago things started getting intimate between me and this guy and he started fingering me. In the middle of it I was thinking oh crap, this is probably disgusting since I have a yeast infection, but it all happened so fast and it was heat of the moment. I just let him keep doing it obviously it felt good. He even wanted to go down on me ..did NOT let him do that.
But is it obvious to guys that a girl has a yeast infection by fingering them? There was no smell, and I'm assuming he didn't notice otherwise he wouldn't of wanted to go down on me. Riiiiight??
The Answer
It's very, very unlikely that this guy had the expreience or education to notice a damn thing while fingering you. I imagine even guys twice his age wouldn't be able to tell.
However, it's good you didn't let him go down on you. People can get yeast infections in thier mouths, although it's uncommon, it does happen and it's awful.
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The Question
I am a 24 year old female. About two and a half years ago my ex and I split. He was the only guy I really love, and it's still a day that goes by that I don't think about him.
And recently I just found out he got married. And I know that his family are totally against the wedding, they don't like his wife.
We haven't talked since we broke up but I still think about him. For some crazy reason, I can't get him out of my mind. I feel like theirs still could be hope. I know this really sound like a fairy tale, but I think it can happen
Am I wrong? Should I just forget about him? Or should I continue to have hope?
The Answer
He's married. What you are calling 'hope' is inappropraite and disrespectful to his choice and his marriage.
His families opinion is meaningless. He's made a choice and dedicated himself to it.
It would be completely inappropraite to contact him with ANY hope of a rommantic reconnection.
I'm sorry hun, there is no ethical or moral gray area in this - you need to let it go.
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The Question
i posted a question on here recently about liking it when my boyfriend slaps me, bites me, smacks me, etc. we only started doing stuff like this the other day, and only when i ask him to.
but today something happened that kind of threw me off guard and worried me a bit. see, he's the type who doesnt believe in using "unnatural" drugs. like, anything that isn't weed or shrooms. (he's made it quite clear that if i do anything other than those two substances, he'll leave me) but today i was trying to be honest with him and told him about some experimenting that i contributed in with one of my friends several months ago. after i told him he slapped me. it didnt harm me, but i was still shocked. i hadn't asked him to, and he's never been the type to hit me when he's angry. he felt horrible and apologized when he noticed that i didn't like it.
i forgave him but it got me to thinking; since i've told him that i get off from being slapped, i'm concerned that maybe this will give him permission to slap me even when i don't ask for it. i only ask to be slapped, obviously, when i'm in "the mood". i'm sure he knows that, but i also think i should talk to him about it. since the non-consentual hitting has only happened once, should i not be concerned?
The Answer
I have been having rough sex with partners for years. None of them have ever struck me in anger. Ever.
If one did, I would very likely end the relationship on the spot. That is a breach of trust that is worse, in my mind, then cheating.
I would argue that him slapping you had nothing to do with your sex acts and that you shouldn't become worried about enjoying what you enjoy because one boy you enjoy it with made a serious mistake.
As others have told you, you need to spell this right out for him: Consensual sex is one thing. Abuse is another. He crossed that line and he MUST recognize it, and acknowledge it was abusive behavoir. If he ever crosses it again, you'll dump him. If he cannot recognize or admit that what he did was abuse and completely wrong, but holds to the thinking that saying sorry was enough, dump him.
Please, dump him if he can't see the seriousness of this, and absolutely dump him on the stop if he does it again.
You should be concerned, not about your enjoyment of rough sex, but about the level of maturity and respect of your partner.
This would be a good time to talk about boundaries during sex and setting up 'play on' and 'play off' words, as well as safe word, so everyone is on the same page and he cannot use "I was confused" as an excuse to harm you.
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The Question
I am going off to my beach house for a week this week and when we go away, we turn off the air so the whole house gets moist and stuff. Two summers ago my grandma got a huge cough from my beach house and so did i. i was diagnosed at home later with allergetic ashthma that was formed and i wasn'tborn with it. my grandma then caught pneumonia. she fought it for months. we thought it was mold in the vents. so we got it examined and turns out that we DID have mold in our vents but i was allergic to the type in the vents. They cleaned it and then it was fine. but that was summer '08. Now it's summer '10 and that was a while back. OUr beach house has meadows behind it and a bay. I am scared that deadly mold has formed over the years. how long does it take to kill you and what are the symptoms? do you think that it formed? my brother got a sinus infection from it a couple weeks ago. How long doe it take to die from mold? Do you think i have it in my house?
The Answer
You are going to make yourself sick with worry. Forget about mold - you are hurting yourself with this obsession.
I'm very sorry about your grandmother. Pneumonia is a very, very dangerous illness for the elderly, and the very young. However, as a healthy young women, mold wont kill you after a week of exposure. If there is mold, you and others might develop a cough or asthma, at worse, a fever. But all that could be avoided by simply having someone come in and look at the vents and check that nothing else has grown.
There are some molds in everyone's home. Most of them are not dangerous at all. Some people are extra sensitive to them, but even then, death is very, very unlikely.
At this point, you are more likely to make yourself sick with stress than mold. Try to enjoy your vacation. Pack a tent and sleep under the stars a few times if you are concerned.
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The Question
Okay so I'm pretty skeptical about breast enhancement supplements actually working because I feel like a lot of people don't think they work but I know a lot of women who have gone on birth control and their breasts get noticeably bigger. If they use similar hormones in breast enhancement supplements as birth control than shouldn't breast enhancement supplements work too? Has anyone tried them or know someone who has? They're pretty expensive to try if they don't work
The Answer
Two problems:
The first one being that not ALL women respond to birth control with swollen breasts, and even for those who do, the swelling tends to be uncomfortable -- and most noticeable size increase is also more likely to be connected to weight gain than swelling. Many women gain weight in their breasts before it becomes noticeable anywhere else.
The second is that 'supplements' cannot actually use the same ingredients used in proper, regulated medication like birth control. They use language that implies they do, or they pretend they found something 'safe and natural' that does that same thing, but that's just bullshit. They couldn't possibly use something that behaved like a hormone without going through a much more rigorous and strict approval process that might even have ended up with a prescription being needed to get the pills, so from a business point of view, there is no incentive for companies to use the same (effective) hormones as are in birth control - just to try and make it sound like they do.
Finally, you have to appreciate that swelling is not the same as 'getting larger'. A good example are the lipsticks that claim to make your lips plumper - many of them do work for a lot of people (although not all) at least for a while, but eventually the body gets used to the irritant used to caused the swelling and they stop being effective.
I do know one or two people who've tried supplements, with no change at all except to their bank balance of course. It simply isn't medically possible to grow tissue in one area of the body like that - swelling is possible but unlikely, but that isn't actually growth.
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The Question
I was born in USA. so were the parents. I'm part scottish but that side has been in USA for a long time. My last name is scottish aswell. So if I want to go to scotland, would I need a passport? I wouldn't see why if I'm part scottish. Just curious, it looks interesting over there. Do I?
The Answer
Yes you need a passport.
You are an American citizen. Born in America and with no legal connection to Scotland. It's your heritage yes, but not your country.
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The Question
if a guy takes enzyte or another enhancement product its supposed to make them bigger. but if they stop taking it will it make it smaller or anything like that?
The Answer
No and no.
Maybe, if enzyte actually worked, a man would get smaller if he stopped taking it.
However, it doesn't work. No penis enlargement pills or pumps actually work. Some are quite dangerous actually.
Enzyte actually claims to work like Viagra and increase blood flow to the penis. Viagara does work exactly this way and this can help a man achieve and maintain an erection for longer but it doesn't make them any larger. Since enzyte is a 'herbal supplement' and not medicine like Viagra, they don't have to prove it works, they only have to prove to the FDA that it won't hurt anybody and is safe to eat. They can say whatever nonsense they like (although some states are trying to stop them.)
Check it out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enzyte
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The Question
i am a father of a 3 year old son .
my sonlives in london and imnot allowed any contact with him, unless it is at a contact centre for 2 hours only .
can you help me
The Answer
Contact Father's Need Families at http://www.fnf.org.uk/about-us if you need advice on your custody arrangements in the UK.
You need more serious, personal, legal advice then we can give you here. That are a very pro-father orginazation that might be able to give you some guidance.
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The Question
Ok. I had sex with this guy about a month ago. I didn't think anything of it. It was just a one night stand type of thing. Today, he actually calls me out of the blue. I am thinking this is weird. He tells me that there is something important he needs to confess or whatever. I'm like OK. He says he has herpes.
Last week I had a blister thing DOWN THERE but I didn't think too much of it because all the guys I slept with told me they were clean and had no STDs. I mean how am I suppose to know, right?!
Then I got to thinking. Last week would have been way too soon for like an STD to show up on me, right? I mean, they have to have some sort of incubation process or something. I am thinking maybe 6 months or something would be more right before I'd start showing the herpes.
I just don't know though. I admit I'm a bit frazzled here. Hmm. So, yeah, how long does it take to show symptoms of herpes?
The Answer
Herpes actually has a short incubation period - only about two weeks from transmission to first symptoms. So it's possible that you do have it, and it's also possible that this was not your first outbreak. (Most of the time when people talk about long incubation period they are talking about HIV, which has a very long incubation period, 4-6 months. The majority of other STIs incubation periods are only a few weeks, whether a person has symptoms or not.)
You'll need to get tested.
Then you’ll need to take a really deep breath and read on.
Herpes is a lifestyle changer, but not a life ender. One in six adults have it, and although there is no cure antiviral medications can shorten and prevent outbreaks. Other medications called suppressive (along with condoms) can reduce the possibility of passing it along to a partner to damn near nil.
Take another deep breath, and start googling a place nearby to get tested.
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The Question
My boyfriend bought a box of condoms that are marked as ultra thin or whatever. I told him I won't use them because I think they probably are more likely to break and I'm not on birth control pills so we don't have a back up protection thing or whatever. He says they aren't more likely to break than like regular condoms and doesn't want to go buy more condoms.
Are these thing condoms more likely to break or not?
Need to know
The Answer
They are not more likely to break.
(Also your boyfriend is being a jerk.)
All condoms must meet the exact same safety standards, by law, in order to be sold. So your ultra thin condoms are just as safe as any other condom you can buy.
The biggest factors in torn or broken condoms are people using them improperly. So, you need to make sure of things like storing them out of the heat, the cold or direct light, making sure to use the proper size for your partner, handling them gently and putting them on correctly. If you are concerned about condoms breaking the very best thing you can do is both you and your boyfriend making sure you know how to put them on correctly, and practicing it.
(Your boyfriend was a jerk about this though, and you should tell him as much. When your partner is uncomfortable with the contraception plan, you change the contraception plan or you don't get to sleep with that person. Period. He basically just said your concerns weren’t worth another 20$ to him, jerk. Even though you were misinformed about thin condoms, that was still not the best way for him to respond.)
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The Question
Hello.I have recently had to cut off a relationship with a woman I j=have known for 13 years.We were always friends,and there was always flirtation and warm feelings.Three years ago,she got married.She cheated on him epically,(but never with me).A year ago,she contacted me out of the blue,and resumed contact.It was friendly and exciting,as always,and she always promised the hope of a relationship.She always complained to me about her husband.Then,she said she wanted to have sex with me,which I have always wanted,and,as I was not in a relationship,was a sitting duck.Long story short,it turned out that she was only using me for control and attention,and still cheats on her husband.I have never committed adultery before,and this was the only time in my life that I came close.However,I did get emotionally involved,and now feel very lost and hurt over this.It is a cionch she is not thinking about me at all,and was a sick game.What do I do? I still want an explanation,or better,some clairity,or have something work.I feel very less than,and when I asked her what was going on,she told me not to be sensitive.I told her that unless she was clear with me I had to let her go.She came back with a fake e mail saying she would 'never break her vows'.I told her that I was not buying it,that I have known her for 13 years and know what she does,and that she should be honest with me.I have not heard from her since,but notice she has put me onl about 120 sex oriented spam sites.Please tell me what is going on? This woman has recently had a child,and is a teacher,and I am afriad for both her child and her students,but there is nothing I can do,and she will hold her child up as a shield rather than look at herself--Confused
The Answer
You will never get any clarity, explination, or apology. Ever.
Even if you do, you wont believe it and it will seem insincere. Even if she was willing to be honest (which she probably isn't), capable of being honest (which she probably isn't) and choose to be honest with you (which she probably wont), you still probably wouldn't believe her completely. And you'd be right too. Justifications and apologies after the fact are rarely completely true to what was going through a person's mind at the time they made the mistake and behaved badly.
The toughest part of any breakup is accepting the 'not knowing' and the fact that you will never know.
Lots of chlidren have parents who cheat. The child will be okay. Lots of teachers cheat on thier partners. You have no legal reason to presue anything when it comes to the rest of her life.
You sound angry, and that's fair. Anger would be the correct response to someone adding your e-mail to a ton of sexsite. However, there is ntohing you can do about this and you need to make peace with doing nothing, and knowing nothing.
Cut off all contact. Ignore any attempts she makes to contact you. Move on with your life. Anger and hurt is fine, but you can't do anything with it but bear it.
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The Question
My fiance mention, for like the third time, that he would like to try new things in the bedroom. His main interest seems to be on a threesome, which is something that he knows I have done in the past. The thing is, I don't want to share him (that's why I commited to him, because before him I only had friends with benefits) and I've told him how I feel. Knowing that he wants a threesome makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and like he doesn't really want ME. Am I overracting? I do understand that he has only been with me, maybe he wants to experience someone else... or experience the things that I did before meeting him. I really would like a possible explanation on why he would ask for something that he knows bothers me to even think about.
The Answer
We can't read minds. You really are going to have to talk about this with your fiancé.
You have some good theories here:
Maybe he wants to make you 'even' and experience something you have experienced. Maybe he just hasn't really heard the 'No' message from you yet. Maybe he is simply curious because he feels like all straight guys should be curious about threesomes. Maybe it's actually something completely different he would like to try as a 'new thing in the bedroom'.
Are you over-reacting? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I think you should calm down and scale it back.
I believe if you plan on marrying a guy, you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt, and not shy away from having this whole conversation with him, clearly and calmly. Your quickness to judge him, and declare that ‘he doesn’t want me!’ if he wants someone else, is a bit unfair. As someone who had friends with benefits you surely understand that sex and love don't always go hand in hand. It’s possible to be attracted to other people, and sexually interested in other things, without loving someone any less.
What all marriages need to figure out, is how they will act, or not act, on those other interests.
If you need the door closed forever on the threesome conversation, you need to tell him that. Very clearly and very calmly, in the 'Ask me agian and I'll break the engagement kind of way.' However, you also really need to listen to what it is he is saying about what he wants and needs sexually and stop taking it so damn personally. If you keep taking it this personally and getting so upset, you risk missing what he trying to tell you. If you can’t hear what he is saying to when it comes to what he’d like sexually, you can’t ever know if you are truly compatible life partners are not. And that, is worth finding out.
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The Question
i was with a boy for a year, and then we broke up. we never told each other we were in love, knowing that's a huge step.
when we broke up, we admitted to it. he said he was in love with me & i said it back. we dont even talk anymore, but i know he was my first real love. i just dont know if i was IN love, you know?
is there a difference between your first real relationship, that person being your first love, but not being in love with them? when it came to him, being my longest relationship, i never felt this way about anybody else. i was only 15 at the time. i lost my virginity to him and although we're broken up i do not regret it because i know i loved him; he was my first love, i just dont know if i was in love.
im not sure what im asking. but any input would be nice.:)
The Answer
You might never know.
Is there a difference between your first real relationship and being 'in love' with someone?
Maybe for you there will be. Maybe not.
Love is funny word, because unfortunately it means whatever the hell each individual person wants it to mean. The person who beats their child might honestly say they love that kid and how can we argue? We can say their actions are wrong! But how can we tell someone else that it's NOT love.
I'll say this about my early relationships:
The love and friendship I shared with my partners as a teen, pales in comparison with the depth and the love I could offer as I grew. As I knew myself better, I could love better.
I don't think they devalues the love I had when I was very young, but I do know the love I have now is richer, fuller and more truly 'love' then I was capable of then.
Maybe you'll discover something similar. Maybe it will be different. The best thing you can do is gently put these questions on a shelf in your mind and take them out and look at them from time to time. There's a lot to learn about love, and a lot of time to do in. Don't pressure yourself about the difference between love and in love. Someday you might have a good theory, but even if you never do, you'll go on loving and being in love without any problem.
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The Question
I would like to know why men have such crazy sexual fantasies. I mean i can understand some but lately i have been talking to my boyfriend and some of his friends about it (awkward) and things they said they'd like to do were either pretty extreme or just really weird and out there. I mean i understand it to a point but why are men so into the role playing? Is it for more excitement or do they think it's normal? haha I'd just like to hear some other peoples point of veiws on this. Thanks :)
The Answer
Hello. I'm a twenty five year old female and I'd like to know why I have such crazy sexual fantasies!
Sorry - It is very easy to think of this as a 'male thing', because it's sooooo much more socially acceptable for men to talk about their fantasies, explore and discover more through porn and other solo activities, and have all this behavoir excused as merely the 'macho guy' thing to do - even be celebrated for it.
So this is my point of view...
It's easier and cooler for guys to develop and talk about their sexual fantasies. So, they tend to discover theirs earlier in their lives (or learn to make them up in those conversations to appear 'cool').
It's not that they have so many more than women might - it's that they are encouraged to talk about them and think about them in a way women are not.
Most of the adult women I know also have some crazy, out-there fantasies, but generally figured them out later on in their lives. They weren't encouraged in the same way as young as their male counterparts where.
So why do men like role playing? Well, some genuinely like it. Others think they should like it 'cause other guys do. I'm sure some think it's normal and others like it cause they think it's abnormal!
What is comes down to in the end, is that if you are interested in an honest, thorough exploration of your sexuality, most people will come up with some nutty scenarios that turn them on. It doesn't mean they want to act it out necessarily, it just means that particular act or thoughts really arouses them.
Guys just tend to get a huge head start on this because (one) they do, generally, have higher sex drives at younger ages and (two) it's culturally acceptable for them to have those conversations and explorations as teens and young men.
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