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rough sex=abuse?
i posted a question on here recently about liking it when my boyfriend slaps me, bites me, smacks me, etc. we only started doing stuff like this the other day, and only when i ask him to.
but today something happened that kind of threw me off guard and worried me a bit. see, he's the type who doesnt believe in using "unnatural" drugs. like, anything that isn't weed or shrooms. (he's made it quite clear that if i do anything other than those two substances, he'll leave me) but today i was trying to be honest with him and told him about some experimenting that i contributed in with one of my friends several months ago. after i told him he slapped me. it didnt harm me, but i was still shocked. i hadn't asked him to, and he's never been the type to hit me when he's angry. he felt horrible and apologized when he noticed that i didn't like it.
i forgave him but it got me to thinking; since i've told him that i get off from being slapped, i'm concerned that maybe this will give him permission to slap me even when i don't ask for it. i only ask to be slapped, obviously, when i'm in "the mood". i'm sure he knows that, but i also think i should talk to him about it. since the non-consentual hitting has only happened once, should i not be concerned?
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You should be concerned.
There is a very big difference between what happens during the heat of passion and what happens during the heat of an argument. If anything, it involves self-control. Typically, one would know that what happens in the bedroom is not necessarily OK at any other time during the day. Keep in mind that you also mentioned how you ask him to physically hit you during your intimate moments.
However, his slap occurred during a non-intimate moment and was uninvited. Hence, you should be concerned if that was his default automatic response. I would like to also bring your attention to the fact that your relationship (at least as it relates to drugs) is conditional (i.e. if you do this, I will leave you). To me, this implies control over you and your behavior. If he understands how much you mean to him, this is a threat that can be used time and again to keep you in line with what he deems as acceptable.
My advice to you, is to have this talk with him about what happened and why it happened. However, you really should be looking at the overall relationship at this point. Even if he apologizes for slapping you, why would he ever do so in the first place? You should really be careful here, girl, because this can turn into a dicey situation. Sit down and have this talk and find out as much as you can about why it happened, lay out the groundrules of separation from sex and normal life during the day, and sit down with yourself and think if this relationship is really worth your time and dignity.
Best of luck.
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I have been having rough sex with partners for years. None of them have ever struck me in anger. Ever.
If one did, I would very likely end the relationship on the spot. That is a breach of trust that is worse, in my mind, then cheating.
I would argue that him slapping you had nothing to do with your sex acts and that you shouldn't become worried about enjoying what you enjoy because one boy you enjoy it with made a serious mistake.
As others have told you, you need to spell this right out for him: Consensual sex is one thing. Abuse is another. He crossed that line and he MUST recognize it, and acknowledge it was abusive behavoir. If he ever crosses it again, you'll dump him. If he cannot recognize or admit that what he did was abuse and completely wrong, but holds to the thinking that saying sorry was enough, dump him.
Please, dump him if he can't see the seriousness of this, and absolutely dump him on the stop if he does it again.
You should be concerned, not about your enjoyment of rough sex, but about the level of maturity and respect of your partner.
This would be a good time to talk about boundaries during sex and setting up 'play on' and 'play off' words, as well as safe word, so everyone is on the same page and he cannot use "I was confused" as an excuse to harm you.
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You said you liked my last answer, hopefully you listen to what I am about to say. Let’s deal with the slapping first.
It is one thing to be spanked or slapped consensually during sex. It is a whole other thing to be slapped out of the blue when you disagree with him. This is called abuse and in most states would fall under a domestic abuse statue. Meaning he has committed a crime by striking you, that is how serious this is. Whether this would be a felony or misdemeanor offence would be up to the laws in your state and could mean serious jail time for him if convicted.
Women are not punching bags for men. There is nothing more that needs to be said on that subject. By punching you he is showing you his controlling side. By allowing him to get away with it his controlling you are allowing his controlling influence to grow. My advice is to tell him you will not see him again; one punch is one punch to many. Controllers are hard to change as it is a character flaw and will take a lot of hard work with professional help to change.
Now as to drugs; I do not condone the use of any type of street drugs, natural or unnatural. No matter how safe you think the drug may be or how careful you think you are being; when you least expect it the drug can turn on you. I know I have spent a good part of my life responding to calls attempting to save the life of those who thought the drug they were using was safe only to end up in my ambulance being rushed to the hospital. Some lived some didn’t. I did this as a volunteer, in my professional life I taught safety.
I would open my meetings by asking everyone to stand and shake the hands of those around them. Then I would ask them to point out who the other person was. Why, well as we all know accidents only happen to the other guy so if they could point out the other guy the rest could leave and I would meet just with him/her.
One day I became the other guy when I became involved in a major auto accident. As a result of the accident I was forced to retire at an early age. Driving over 40,000 miles a year I considered myself a professional driver who could avoid accidents, I never considered I would be rear-ended while stopped for a traffic light.
If I can have an accident you can get a hold of bad drugs, natural or otherwise. So as a favor to me, give up the drugs and just get high on life.
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I'm concerned. I had a similar situation with an ex-bf and it accelerated from consentual to me being his punching bag. I'm a smart girl, stayed away from him for a month; decided that the year we'd been together was a waste. When he showed up in a month with flowers, gifts and tears, he said, "I'm so sorry; it will never happen again"
(translation: you've brought out the controlling asshole in me and now you're in big trouble). That was oh so true. I had to 'run away' to college several states away and he'd turned into a maniac; trying to find me, completely against his nature. Or was it?
Your bf is controlling you, too. If he weren't, he wouldn't have forbidden you to experiment, would have wanted you to experience different things, people and situations, but NO! You were to obey his rules- OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T HAVE SLAPPED YOU!!!!!
Then he felt bad because you 'didn't like it'???????? You'd just confessed something to him that he didn't like and his reaction was to SLAP (punish) you. He was angry. He didn't slap you for fun. He slapped you because he's overstepped the boundary; and the boundary is in bed- nowhere else, and never as retaliation against a RULE! Screw his rules and screw HIM for reacting with anger by slapping you when he KNEW he was doing it out of anger; then pretending that he was shocked that you weren't THRILLED about it~!
Everything starts by 'happening once'. It's also a clever way for women to deny that they're with a batterer. You can either take a chance and talk to him and MAYBE it was just an 'accident', but it just doesn't add up. Take a good look at it and whatever you do; when you speak to him, understand that HE BELIEVES what he's saying, "It won't happen again." Trust me; that's as sincere as he's going to be in that moment, but it's the future behavior that's going to tell you whether you should or shouldn't have 'been concerned'.
You NEED to be concerned, girlfriend, that was WRONG. 1x or 10000x- it's WRONG.
Watch yourself; let me know if this helps- I really am concerned!
xx rhona
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You need to have a talk with him about boundaries.
It's one thing to be smacked during consensual sex. It's another to be smacked during a conversation. He needs to know that he can only hit you when you have asked him to, because that's the only time when you enjoy it. I really don't see where his reasoning came from. There was no sexual context for what happened.
Be firm, and set consequences. For instance, my fiance knows that if he lays a hand on me, I'm out the door with the cops on speed dial.
Chances are that he's not abusive. He's probably just a confused boy with no sense of timing.
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