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My mom won't talk to me.
From the time I was almost two my mom hasn't been there for me. Shocking, considering it's usually the father that leaves the kids with the mother. No, in my case it was the other way around. My dad raised my brother and I alone while she raised our half-brother on her own.
When I say she's never been there for me, I really do mean she's never been there for me. I'm about to turn 19; if I added up all of the time I've spent with her (seconds, minutes, hours, days) it'd probably be somewhere around a year/ year and a half that I've spent with her. And that's giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Recently, she had my half-brother go meet her (by the way, she drives an 18-wheel truck for American Express; she's ALWAYS gone). She had him lie to me so I wouldn't go with him. I found out because he tripped and fell, fracturing his shoulder. When he told me the story I was confused; why was he at a truck stop, he said he was going to his friend's house. Secret revealed, and when I asked my mom about it she said I overreacted and needed to be more mature. Yeah, sure I do, I thought. You're the one that's never been there for me anyway, why should I take your advice.
Now I'm noticing that she calls my half-brother, but not me. I really don't know why. Maybe it's because she found out I found a few cassette tape recordings from the custody battle/child support hearings my parents' attended, or because I'm starting to stand up for myself.
She always seems to just want to be my friend instead of my mom. She's there when it's convenient FOR HER.
Is that right, or is she right by saying I'm "overreacting" ?
This has me really screwed up, worse than my parents' divorce, I'm contemplating cutting her out of my life for my own sanity.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Many adult children need to realize this at some point:
You can either hate your parent for never loving you the way they should have and the way you want them too, or you can try to forgive them their failures, and accept whatever fucked up kind of love they are able to give you.
I always think cutting someone out completely should be an absolutely last resort. Maybe it's come to that, but honestly, I think it's worth it for you to try and find a way to have a relationship with your mom, even though it will not be the relationship you hope for by any means.
I think she is absolutely wrong in saying you over reacted. She had your sibling lie to you about seeing her. That's pretty low no matter how you swing it.
I know what I'm saying will sound really tough, because I'm basically saying that you should take the high road and be the adult in this relationship, and that is a rough thing to ask of any teenager to do when it comes to their mom. I've met forty year olds who can't manage what I'm going to suggest you do.
Ask to speak to her. Tell your half brother to tell her you just want to chat, to connect.
Avoid conversations about past problems. Even make a quick list of things you could tell her: Classes you really like. Achievements you've made. Write down some questions for her that she might want to talk about: What does she listen to when she drives? Mindless positive things like that to simply get the conversation flowing.
Then don't talk for more than about 15 minutes at most. Making sure the conversation has a set 'end time' in your own mind is really helpful. Say you have someplace to be, thank her for talking to you, and hang up.
Your mom isn't going to change. She will probably always be a self absorbed, lying bitch. The only thing you can control is how you respond to it, and what you expect from her. A few friendly conversations a year might be all you ever get from her, but if you want even that, you'll need to be the bigger person who makes it happen.
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Biologically your mother will always be your mother; this is a fact of life that cannot be changed. The fact that as you say, she has never been there for you is also something that cannot be changed.
What you do have control over is your future relationship with her. I also understand the wanting as a child the nurturing that only a mother can give. I fairly certain the tapes you found caused a deep hurt for you. Fact is you cannot change the past.
It has taken me 55 years to find this out about one of my parents. What I have chosen to do is what I feel is right for me and may not be right for you so if you do not mind I will keep this to myself so that it does not influence what you do. What you need to do is sit down and think about what it is you want in a relationship with your mother. You may even want to write these things down. Once you have identified these things be as honest with yourself as you can be and review this list to find those among your list that can be obtained. Then decide if these things that are obtainable will be enough to satisfy what you want in a relationship.
You know where your mother stands as far as a relationship with you is; it is one of connivance and is one that is on her terms. Nowhere is it written that you have to love your parent(s) and have a loving relationship with them as an adult. It is written that one must respect their parents. By respect I mean be pleasant when and if they contact you. Surprisingly parents change a little when grandchildren arrive. Sometimes they see grandchildren as a way to amend for the mistakes they made as parents. There are other reasons as well that we need not go into here.
The choice you make is not going to be an easy one. I can tell from what you have written that the preference shown your half-brother has hurt you deeply. I would suggest that you seek the help of a qualified clinical psychologist to help you sort out your feelings. I did and it was a great help in not just making the decision I made but why certain things happen and why I felt as I did. Why I was making the decision I made.
I am comfortable with the decision I made, you will be too if you take the time to really think about what you want. Getting help from a clinical psychologist will also help you deal with the depressing feelings you have in general about this matter. Ultimately the decision you make will be yours and no one else’s. I am confident you will make the decision that is right for you.
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In a sad way, I can relate to your situation.
I'm not sure about the circumstances around your mom wanting to be your friend rather than your mother. However, I don't think that you're overreacting. In fact, I think it's time for you to make a decision.
From what you've written, you mom has had plenty of opportunities to get to know you over the years. However, for some reason, she has chosen not to do so. Now, you are 19 and an adult capable of making your own decisions. Now is the time where YOU decide what you want from this relationship. The first step is telling your mom how you feel about the years she was absent and what kind of relationship you would like. At the same time, you should listen to your mom and give her a chance to explain and (possibly) apologize for all of those years. You shouldn't make a decision about your relationship until you understand all aspects of it.
If, after this conversation, things don't look like they are going to change, then you need to keep on living your life knowing that you don't need her approval or presence to be a successful person. If she chooses to have a relationship with you; so be it. If she chooses not to have a relationship with you, that is her loss. Either way, you must continue to live your life regardless.
It's a very difficult feeling when a parent doesn't know anything about your interests, hobbies, past, successes, failures, feelings, etc. I would assume that part of you wishes she did. Give her the opportunity to explain and give her the opportunity to listen. You'll never have the years back but you can certainly line up a future that defines this relationship on your terms.
Best of luck!
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