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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
If someone is addicted to masterbation , and everyday masterbates , does it cause a bad effect on his sex organ or his body?
Thanks You :)
The Answer
Masturbating everyday isn't necessarily a problem.
Masturbating is only a problem if you masturbate rather than doing your homework, or showering, or buying groceries, or hanging out with friends.
Masturbating is a problem if it interferes with the rest of your life. If it doesn't, it's not an addiction or a compulsion, it's just a habit.
Masturbating won’t hurt you physically. The only real risk is that your body will get used to orgasming in only one very specific way, and that can cause problems when you want to orgasm with a partner. The best thing you can do to combat that is vary your routine, switch hands and rhythm and don’t do it exactly the same way every time, also, never be too rough with yourself.
Other than that, just have fun.
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The Question
I'm the type of person who likes to use condoms. I feel like it's a lot safer than plan b after unprotected sex. But I was always curious, what if someone had unprotected sex and someone pulled out of came inside, which ever one and they take plan b right afterwards and after rinsing and urinating?? Would they still be safe? I know there's always a chance of pregnancy, but how much of a chance will there be?
I see all the time that there are people that have unprotected sex and the day afterwards they take plan b and they're fine.
So, is the pull out method and plan b or the coming inside and plan b can decrease your chances of getting pregnant?
The Answer
Unfortunately, Uniqueme is quite wrong.
The "Pull out and Plan B" approach is less effective than condom use. Plan B was not intended to be used that way, the dosage is much higher than normal one-pill-a-day birth control, and it shouldn't be relied on as your primary form of birth control. There are no huge health risks for most young woman, but it will seriously confuse your system to be constantly taking PlanB, not to mention, expensive.
The pullout method is an idiotic idea. 1 in 4 people using the pull out method will get pregnant each year. That number is even higher for teens. PlanB doesn't make it any less idiotic a method for people who do not wish to become pregnant.
Condoms are the more effective form of birth control and protection against STDs, for regular sexual activity.
But it's a good thing to know about Plan B and were you can acquire it, just in case you ever have a condom break. It happens to everyone who has enough sex - statically, sooner or later, a condom breaks.
Plan B is most effective when it's taken within 24 hours of having unprotected sex. That's because it prevents fertilization, and most fertilization of the egg actually happens between 18 hours and 3 days after you have unprotected sex. For that reason, Plan B is pretty much just as effective (about 95% effective at preventing fertilization) three hours after you have sex, as it is 24 hours later. There is no reason to be overly concerned if you have to wait till a drug store opens in the morning to get PlanB.
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The Question
penis cap wont open during erection?
The Answer
Talk to a doctor.
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The Question
I'm a 17 year old girl. First off, I would like to admit that I feel terrible about all this. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out how to move on. Anyway.
I was always I quite child. I never really associated with anyone and I still struggle with social issues this day (I have a boyfriend and a two people I occasionally talk to). That's why I was surprised I was able to make a friend in 6th grade. She was a fellow 6th grader, who I shall call Katherine. Katherine and I were best friends for two years. We had sleep overs, birthday parties, and we even ventured into a sewer together (I had to retrieve my lost shoe.)
I loved her as a friend. However there was sort of a dark/embarrassing aspect to our relationship; we'd roleplay on the internet, with each other playing as ourselves and as a fictional guy the other girl liked. (for example, Katherine would play herself and character X while I'd do myself and character Y) It was great for a long while. We'd have our girl parties and stuff, and we'd roleplay later. In 7th grade she had to move. Before Katherine left she asked me if I'd ever leave her and I said no, I wouldn't...
However one day later that year I asked to roleplay online and she refused. I don't remember my mindset at the moment, but I just logged off. Perhaps it was because we had drifted apart, but I just didn't feel like dealing with her. Before I continue I should mention one aspect about Katherine that really got under my skin; she would put me down to impress guys. She always did that when we were in chat rooms and a guy joined. I was okay with that at first, but later when she did that, I'd just mutter "slut" under my breath in real life and move on.
Anyway, Katherine and I ceased talking. It wasn't until 9th grade she came to my high school. I saw her and it was awkward shuffling and we kind of voided each other. Seeing her reminded me of how jealous I was of her tiny physique and her long, pretty, straight hair. I'm still sort of jealous to this day because I've always been chubby and tall (5'9). We continued to avoid each other and in 10th grade we had English. She was becoming friends with my only two friends and I just decided to chat with all three of them from time to time. We didn't talk outside of that class. Nothing else changed.
Fast forward to current day. Every time I see her in the hall way, she is all over her boyfriend of I believe 1 year. Even though I have a boyfriend of my own (4 years) I still burn inside with some type of emotion when I see them all over each other. I remember how she used to put me down for over guys and I want to scream "whore" at her. (I would never do that because it is very rare for me to act out.) and I can't a get away from them. Between every class, I see the two of them hugging and making out and it just makes something inside of me burn... I feel really petty and stupid for feeling like this. I want to stop and get over Katherine.
The Answer
Slightly odd advice I know, but how about you just let yourself be mad with her?
She snubbed you and embarrassed you. Your interactions made you feel ashamed of your sexuality and you are now annoyed when you see her (what appears comfortably) flaunting hers.
That falls well under 'perfectly normal' resentment.
It's not stupid or petty. You are dealing with some pretty charged emotions here, and she has become a lightning rod for perfectly normal negative feelings.
Now, of course I'm not encouraging you to actually act on your anger, but I would be willing to bet you'd find it subside a lot if you just accepted it, and acknowledged the discomfort and shame inside you that is fueling it.
Remember that although her actions and choices are very different from yours (and you don't have to respect or like hers at all), they do come from the same kinds of embarrassment and early sexual confusions you experimented with together online. She handled it all very differently than you, but when you know someone that well, you inevitably get to see the hypocrisies in their choices.
The jealousy is something you should try to get a handle on, because that really is more about you than it is her. And simply realizing how much of it is coming from how you feel about your body and sexual expression and not anything to with hers might help you. But you don't have to like her actions or choices, and you are free to resent her hypocrisies. Stay civil and don't demonize her, but give yourself permission to feel what you feel about your own past, and start to let it go.
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The Question
So me and my ''boyfriend'' don't talk much anymore because he never answers me or my questions , so one day he said we need to have a serious talk , so later he told me that these military guys on base were saying how those combat guys was in service for all those years and they never had too much of a sex drive and now they dont have any , so what he told me is that he is at a point of his life which is like 24-25 and he doesnt want to waste his ''prime'' time before it's too late... and i told him before im not having sex till marriage... and he got all mad at me and then he said he has to go shovel snow and then said maybe msn and never replied to me saying that was rude... today i told him that he is making me mad and he automatically said''oh what why bcause im working?'' i was mad because he always blames it on me and then leaves me hanging and doesn't answer my text after that text he never answered me before...
please help me!
ive been hurt too much to know , so please tell me what i should do
betty
The Answer
End it. You don't want the same things from life and your communications have become toxic and resentful.
Stop dragging it out. He wants out and you want out. Break up already.
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The Question
hello my husband just deployed to afghanistan and like 2 weeks before he left i kept catching him lie. like he told me he wouldnt look at inappropriate internet pictures he promised actually. then one day i was showing him how to do something on his computer and they popped up and he lied about it. then started accusing me of not trusting him when he tried to minimize the window. which i was like whatever its not a big deal ill get over it and he apologized. recently his ex messaged him just asking to catch up and talk, this was his ex of 3 years and like his first love. he did tell me that she messaged him, and i told him not to message her back because i didnt want it to start something just like he asked me not to talk to a certain one of my ex's. well today i had a bad feeling about it and we share each other's passwords and i found out on facebook he did message her and had been talking to her. i was completely crushed because he told me he wouldnt. it may be dumb but i just felt like if he talked to her again he would grow those feelings back for her, even though we're married. i'm just so sad he lied to me again. i dont want him to think i dont trust him and i dont want him knowing that i went on his fb because he'll accuse me of not trusting him again etc. so i sent him a message through fb asking him if he talked to her because i had a bad feeling about it, im not sure what to do or say if he lies or confesses it.. i have a feeling he's gonna lie. i dont know why all this is happening we had a really good relationship and i thought it was so honest :( help i dont know what to do!
thanks
The Answer
It's pointless to say that you don't want him to think you don't trust him: You DON'T trust him.
You don't trust him to speak to an ex without falling in love with her.
You don't trust him to have a solo sexual experience that doesn't threaten his sexual experiences with you.
You don't trust him to have even basic privacy of communication online.
It's the funny thing about trust. The less of it you give a person, the more likely they are to protect the smidgen of your trust they do have through lying.
I'm not defending your husband. You've got some damn good reasons not to trust him.
Instead of lying and avoiding the subjects, he should be standing up for his own opinions and beliefs. If he believes there is nothing wrong with a bit of pornography, he should say so and be willing to discuss the issue with you - not lie. If he wants to talk to an ex, and doesn't think it poses a threat to your relationship, he should say so, reassure you that he is perfectly capable of loving you and having a casual conversation with her, and than speak to her openly and without deception.
Obviously his behavoir is very, very far from perfect, and not okay.
But you have to recognize your contribution to the distrust in your relationship. If lying to you is easier than disagreeing with you, you have a huge relationship issue. You are imposing rules rather than even acknowledging that his opinions might be different than yours.
No amount of password sharing will protect you from him simply not having the exact same idea as you. If you aren't able to at least talk about your different opinions and ideas and have some respect for situations where you believe one thing, and his actions show he clearly believes another, you'll never really be honest with each other. You'll just be 'polite liars' for the rest of your lives together.
You don't want him to think the ugly truth about you: That is that you don't trust him and because of that are seeking more control over him then is respectful. And he doesn't want you to find out the ugly truth about him: That he insecure and thinks lying is easier than actually having a pair of balls and standing up for his own choices and beliefs.
Stop hiding the truth from one another, and together you both might manage to become better, more honest and respectful people.
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The Question
My boyfriend has commitment problems, since most of his life he was single. He is having trouble coping with working, school, and a relationship. He thinks he's not "made for relationships."
He still loves me and everything, but what can I do to help him cope with his lifestyle? What can I do to not make him think this way?
The Answer
You can help him by telling him to define his terms, and by firmly kicking him in the ass
A lifestyle is a choice. Commitment is a choice. It's not like being gay for goodness sakes. Commitment phobia and Work Life balance struggles are not things you were born with. These are habits and ways of approaching life.
They are very common problems for people, but fundamentally when your habits or approach are at odds with you having a happy committed relationship (if a happy relationship is what you want) then you work to change your habits, or go find a relationship that jives wiyth your habits.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not easy to change. It’s damn difficult if you are used to living one way, only to find that in order to be happier, you have to try and live another way. That is extremely difficult. By all means be sympathetic and understanding when your boyfriend finds it difficult to cope and makes changes.
But when he says he is “Not cut out for a relationship” give him the swift kick of informing him that no, that that is a choice actually, not his eye colour. Being in a relationship is about choices we make in life - those choices can be hard sometimes, but they don't mean you aren't capable of other choices.
The second thing you make him do is define what ‘made for’ means. What parts of a relationship does he feel not cut out for? Does he feel romantically inadequate? Is it simply too much time for him to devote? Does he feel he can’t be faithful? What parts of what he imagines a relationship SHOULD be does he feel he can’t manage?
Knowing this will help you with two things: First it will help you know where he is weak and what issues will be the toughest for him to address and change. It will also help you tell him about your values and your weakness in relationships, so he knows some of the things he thinks he must to do be ‘in a relationship’ are not really so vital to you, or even that some of them are things you really struggle with.
It’s a strange balance to be struck: Because on one hand you want to respect his feelings, but on the other hand you don’t need to put up with silly statements like “I’m not made for a relationship.” No one is made for a relationship: We are all selfish, stressed out freaks. We choose relationships, and if they work for us we keep choosing them.
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The Question
20 year old female. Second year in college.
I have problems making friends in person. It's so simple online when you say whatever, and people "add" you for liking the way you think, or liking your sense of humor. I feel like I act the same way offline as I do online, except I'm a little more shy in person [even tho' somtimes I can be pretty quiet online as well].
SO I pretty much act the same way both on and offline... why do people act differently towards me? For example... I can be getting along well with someone from a class, then the next time I see them they act as if they don't know me. Why would they do that? VS online, when greeted with enthusiasm.
Also, I've gotten more compliments on my looks online than I have offline. When I have gotten compliments offline, it was usually to get me to buy something [or for modeling, when I was a kid]. But the only guys who have approached me were womanizers, just trying to get into as many pants as they possibly could. They were pretty indiscriminate, too. I've never dated anyone since no one ever approached me, and I never thought too much of myself, either.
But the rare occasions I've showed a picture to people online ["i'll only show you my picture if you show me yours"], i get "9/10" ratings [i wouldnt even ask for one, so this always makes me feel weird] and people saying how beautiful i look and how they're surprised i was never asked out on a date, etc. I tell them not to say things like that if they wouldnt dare say it offline... All this makes me feel strange, and I wonder:
-why is it that people act kind towards me online, and shun me out offline?
-what makes me unapproachable offline?
the only people i have been interested in [to date] i've met online. ive been told it's pathetic to meet up with online people for dating, even tho there are a lot of dating sites and success stories, but i keep getting told i seem like the kind of person who would be successful offline. I'm just really confused and sometimes I feel alone and sad over this...
The Answer
People want different things online, than offline.
You are right: Online all people want is interesting content.
Online websites also REMIND people who you are and they have time to consider a response. People can look at your profile and message history right away and say "Oh right. That girl. I like her."
Those same tools and extra time is why it's easier for you to BE interesting content online.
So where are things falling apart? I'd bet they are falling apart in two places for you.
The first is that in the offline world you aren't necessarily interacting with people who find your content immediately interesting. The online community is self-selecting. People come together over a shared topic, or even just a share understanding of HOW to come together online. That is a group that is pre-screened for one another.
Look for groups you can join offline where your content, your interests and skills are already valued, and join them. Just like you would join a forum or fan page of something that interested you and just dive in.
The second is the failure to create the "Oh right. That girl. I like her." moment in real life. People don't have your profile in front of them. They forget, they get distracted. As a shy person you probably aren't doing the follow up work necessary to jar their memory. The next time you have a good first conversation with someone, brainstorm a question to ask them next time "How's your puppy? How was the trip home? Did you manage that awful essay?" That will remind them of the pleasant conversation you had.
And date online for goodness sake! You know it’s a good idea and you feel it would work for you. I’ll be honest I’ve had more fun, and at the moment, more success dating online than I did dating people I met in ‘normal’ ways.
Just practice safe online behaviours and meetings, and be prepared to go on some practice dates, make mistakes, and meet some losers as well as nice people who might not be right for you, and hopefully a nice person who is.
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The Question
...because I've never dated anyone before. I'm now in college, and I never thought about dating anyone before. I never got interested because it seemed like too much to deal with, and because I never found anyone interesting enough to date. I also didn't think I was "girl friend material." I didn't think I would attract anyone because of incidents that happened in middle school [girls competing for who was the most attractive, even tho I never volunteered someone would always have an opinion anyway]... So I get I had, and still have, low self-esteem.
But before I started college, I met someone that changed this. He said he was interested in me as well. However, because of my insecurities, I told him I didn't want to start anything. This was around the time on of his ex-girlfriends was begging him to give her a second chance. I had just met him and didn't think I was good enough [and certainly did not want to compete with an ex of his] I told him he should give her a second chance. At this point we didn't know our feelings for each other, it was only after he broke up with her that we confessed our feelings to each other.
While he was with his ex, I met another guy. I fell head-over-heels in love with him, and he said he felt the same way towards me. We had busy schedules, so we always planned out our days together so we could have time to be together. Whenever I was sad, he knew how to make me happy. He would even make me happy without trying. Being with him made me want to become a better person. I started sleeping early, doing my work on time, and so on, and he was just perfect the way he was. He would sleep on time, was dedicated to his job, which he found to be completely boring, he was great in school, smart, shared the same sense of humor as me, he was just wonderful. But later he moved to help out his mother, and things became long distant. He said he loved me, but he didn't want to make things difficult for me either. He thought it was best to just be friends. But this was hard on the both of us, and one day he disappeared out of my life completely. He would always tell me how things might be better for the both of us if we stopped contact... "out of sight, out of mind." For all of 2010, he has been in and out of my life, mostly out of my life.
When I was a girl, I told myself I would never be one of those girls who would get depressed over a guy. I was too strong for this. But that winter, I would lock myself up in my room for hours. I would only come out to eat, shower, and school, but I felt like a ghost, like i had no purpose. I told myself, as a girl, that I would never define my life over a guy, and yet I was doing the exact opposite as a college student. And even though I tried my best in school and for this not to effect me, my grades went downhill that quarter [1 GPA]. Today, it's finally back up to a 3 GPA... it took a lot out of me to do this... but a part of me also did it because I thought about how it might make him disappointed in me if he ever found out what I had done after he left me.
I know it's silly to think that way, but in the end, it was his image that motivated me to do my best.
While all this drama was happening, the first guy I mentioned dated a girl who later became my friend. He dated her while he still had feelings for me, and I could see the break up that was soon to follow and how things were going to be ugly. I won't go into details, but she told me that throughout their relationship, he would always talk and think about me. She thought she was going to be able to change him, which is why she kept dating him [she thought he was "the one" for her].
After they broke up, she refuses to talk to him, even when she discovered that she was pregnant. She miscarried, but throughout my time of being friends with her, she would lie to me and only tell me the truth when she found no other way out. Her actions have shown me that this guy was not as bad as she was trying to make him out to be... it was just her way of resurring that I would not date him.
For the longest time I have declined to dating him... but as months passed, everyone has told me to give him a chance, even after what had happened with the other girl. I finally gave in...
Things were good... but recently Ive noticed that I wasn't very happy. I've subconsciously been comparing him to the guy who suddenly left me. Realizing this was unfair, I told him tonight about what I have been doing, and how some of the things he does makes me unhappy.
I want to give him a chance, but how can I do this when I haven't completely forgotten about the other guy I fell in love with?
I also think this relationship is wrong because I've been hiding it from his ex [tho a lot of people tell me its ok since she hid her relationship and other things from me... however, i dont think 2 wrongs makes it right].
Tonight, I have a heart ache.
I miss both these guys... Is it possible to love two men at once? How can i get over the other guy, or should i wait for his return? Should I even continue the relationship i currently have? Or should i give up on both of them completely?
I've had so many questions the past 2 years... and the people I know have not been helpful. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of crying over these two. There have been so many times Ive wished to return to being the girl who didn't care about love. Life was much more simpler then... Now not only am I sad about not being able to find someone, whenever I do, I always compare him to the guy who left me. Why do I care so much over him? He was careless with me, even thought his intentions were meant to do good.
I just want to know if I did good, or if I had done anything wrong.... and I want to know what I can do now. I don't want to keep living like this anymore.
The Answer
Oh hun, just go to therapy and talk to someone.
There are so many ways in which you are sabotaging yourself, not just romantically. Whatever else happens in your love life, you need to get that tendency to undermine yourself, and imagine destructive stories and misery, under control. Your troubled romantic life is a symptom, not the cause, of your unhappiness.
You’ve obviously made some strides in pulling yourself together and achieving at school – but your dysfunctional thinking runs deeper than that. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favour if you recognize you’ve got some hard work to get your head on straight, to value yourself and establish and stand up for your own values and thoughts, and start doing the hard work to achieve that now while you are young.
You haven’t DONE anything wrong. You’ve clearly tried to be honest and respectful to others, but you continue to struggle with giving yourself the same clear, generous and reasoned treatment. You probably do know how to be in a relationship – You are intelligent and empathetic. Taking care of others is easy. What are struggling to learn is how to take care of yourself.
This isn’t about loving someone else. You can do that. You can do that easily and well. What you can’t quite manage is loving yourself.
Get a counsellor, through your school if you’d. It’s worth the money if you need to pay for it.
Tell your friend that you are dating her ex. You want to do it. You know it’s the right thing to do. You are the kind of person who particularly hard on herself when you think aren’t behaving morally, and this is an easy thing to fix. So do it. You’ll feel better.
Then think about what you want with the guy you have. Don’t compare him, but look at him for his own merits? Do you want a relationship with him right now? Do you want a less serious relationship? Do you want to stop seeing for a while? Go with your gut, and ask for his support with the thing that will make you feel most at peace.
But above all, start talking to someone. You aren’t deeply fucked up or anything, but you are smart enough and reflective enough to beat the destructive thought patterns that are dragging you down. You owe it to yourself to wage on all-out war on the anxiety and self-loathing you carry, and to begin to learn how to ask others to met the high standard of behaviour and sense you expect in yourself.
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The Question
I've heard the world was going to come to an end on 2012, 2011, and on a thursday in 2011, is that truee at all?
The Answer
No.
To expand: There no rational or scientific reason to believe the world will end in 2012. If the world DOES end then, the people who said so will not have been right - they will have only made a ridiculously lucky guess. Like guessing how many grains of sand are on the beaches of California.
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/091104-doomsday-predictions.html
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The Question
I am revising a poem for a poetry class, but my accent and brain can not wrap around iambic pentameter. I think I was doing most of it not iambic, and i get lost when I try to help. Can someone check this, and help out with the lines I got wrong? thanks!
He came home with tiny metal blessings
Shining in a barrel full of dead ends
“Vows are forever, and not for testing,
Together we will be in death to transcend.”
Fight or Flight took over her assessing,
With her heart versus the estranged husband
“God please, what are the odds of him missing?
Who will be there to tend to our children?”
Bullets fired, no need for a confession,
One left in the caliber with great intent
Love on his hands, he pointed to his aggression,
A last breath, then
“click”
to make him ascend.
Children were left to clean the blood stained mess,
With bodies of their parents to caress.
The Answer
He came home with tiny metal blessings – fine.
Shining in a barrel full of dead ends – v. good. but you don't need the capital here.
“Vows are forever, and not for testing, - nice.
Together we will be in death to transcend.” – 11 beats, you can argue that it’s enjambment, but it is still a very weak line. It’s weak first off, because the sentence is so incomplete it’s meaning is garbled, and secondly because it’s a very weak rhyme. Without doing your homework for you, I’d suggest you try not to enjamb here, and finish on the pure rhythm, the plural ‘transcends’. Something like this “one in death, the united spirit transcends.”
Fight or Flight took over her assessing, - this is grammatically incorrect and a bit garbled agian, which is okay, but it's better to avoid it. The better form of asses would be ‘took over the assessment.” 'Her assessing' implies it is HER value that is being determined, and I don’t think that is what you mean.
With her heart versus the estranged husband – You also don’t need a capital at the beginning of this line, and it doesn’t rationally follow from Fight or Flight. These are two thoughts, without clear connection. It’s fine for the iambic pentameter, but these two lines are not great poetry.
“God please, what are the odds of him missing? - v good.
Who will be there to tend to our children?” - fine
Bullets fired, no need for a confession, - 11 beats – but it’s nice as enjambment, which works well for you and speeds the line up with a sense of urgency. It means confession is said not "da DUM" rhytmn but as "deda DUM". Very powerful. I'd keep it.
One left in the caliber with great intent – 11 beats again, not so nice feeling this time. I'd suggest removing the word 'great'.
Love on his hands, he pointed to his aggression, - 12 beats! Eep! Fix Fix!
A last breath, then
“click”
to make him ascend. – This is good. Although if your teacher is a stickler you might consider writing it
A last breath then – Click – to make him ascend.
Children were left to clean the blood stained mess – fine.
With bodies of their parents to caress. - 10 beats, but honestly, a weak ending. Can you imagine a child caressing a corpse in this way? It’s a very grown up behaviour to 'caress' the body of a dead loved one, and seems a bit odd to me. You might consider reworking these last two lines.
It's a some good clear imagery you've got there and the story is well articulated. Just clean it up a little bit and you are golden.
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The Question
Well i've been with my boyfriend for four years, and i'm one of those girls who no matter how many times i hear that porn is okay i can't get it through my head and it still hurts, well i had learned to accept it as long as he did it when we weren't going to have sex, but i recently found out he does it like after or before we have sex i asked him not to because it bothers me and i caught him again, and after a while he admitted he had a problem and was addicted and was going to seek help, so i stumbled upon porn filters and i mentioned it to him and he said he wouldn't mind but i don't know how porn works with guys, will this cause him to want to do others girls now that he can't wack it to just the thought of others? cause i always researched how to accept your guy looking at porn and they always said " you should be happy he's trying to control it not doing the real thing" hes always looked at porn so i don't know what problems it's going to cause if i apply this filter. What do you guys think
The Answer
Yes. That is wrong to do without his express permission and agreement. Your earlier quick conversation doesn't cut it.
Your boyfriend is not your child. He is not in prison. He is a free adult human being. He gets to choose, and he could choose not to watch pornography if he wanted too.
If you do it without his knowledge and acceptance, it's a terrible, awful, completely unacceptable betrayal.
However, if your boyfriend thinks that he is one of the guys from whom porn has become a problem and addiction (unlike the millions, and probably majority of men for whom porn is part of a healthy balance of sexual expression in their lives) then ask him if he would like your help in stopping, by doing something like applying a filter.
I'll leave it to the men to answer your other questions - I know there are some on here that will do it well. However, I found this to be helpful for some other women I've spoken too who are struggling to respect their partners choice to use pornography.
If you end or refuse to begin a relationship with every guy in your life who watches porn or fantasizes about others, there are three possible outcomes for you:
One, you will always be nervous, suspicious and insecure, waiting to catch your partner in doing these things that they deserve to be able to do without blame.
Two, you will find one of the very, very, very few men who never watch porn. But don't kid yourself - they will still have sexual thoughts about women other than you - unless they are almost completely disinterested in sex all together, and in that case, you will likely never feel particularly desired by them either!
Three, you'll end up with someone who is a good liar, and will hide their interest in porn and their fantasies from you (perhaps someone who will allow you to install a filter - knowing full well how to easily get around it). And that secretiveness will go on forever. This is the most likely - and the most sad - since you'll never truly know that person.
Right now, today, you are one of those girls who can't get it through your head and who is still hurt by the idea. You do not have to be one of those girls next week, or next year. If you suspect you are in error, keep trying to correct that error.
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The Question
I'm 19 and I've been dating this 24 year old guy for a few weeks now, we had sex last night and he didn't feel a thing. It was just a spur of the moment thing, it was the right time in our relationship, we wanted each other really badly. We have had oral sex before in the past, and he'll feel it when I'm giving blow jobs and hand jobs, he just can't feel actual sex. He's the type of guy that even though he's really nice, he's also very honest and I know that if it had something to do with me he would have told me, he said that when I asked him about it too.
I'm falling for this guy and he's falling for me, yet I'm worried that he might decide that it has something to do with me, like I can't sexually satisfy him enough, and he'll break up with me. I've had one other sexual partner and he's had two others, he's never had this problem with them. He hasn't had sex in two years, so he blames the fact that he's overweight and that the condoms aren't very good (we were using durex's, my ex boyfriend was very big on using trojans). I've also heard that health problems could be the reason why too, I don't know if he has any sexual health problems but he does have possible diabetes and possible sleep apnea. He also has depression and mild schizophrenia, however I haven't really noticed any of these and he's dealt with them when he was with his previous sex partners.
Does anyone have any ideas for what could be the problem? That way I can get some reassurance that it's not my fault. And what we could do to resolve this issue?
The Answer
There isn't enough details here to even create a working theory for you.
You don't have all the information yet - You need to ask him some follow up questions. What kind of troubles did he have before? What does he mean by 'not feeling it' exactly? Does he mean there is less sensation, or does he mean he just isn't getting as turned on as he would expect or want? Was he having trouble maintaining an erection despite wanting too? Was the condom too tight?
Between mental illness, overweight, poor condom choice (also a Trojan fan myself), diabetes, and the stress of having sex with a new person for the first time - it wouldn't be the least surprising if he experienced some sexual dysfunction. All of those things (and the medication that treats some of them) can contribute to poor sexual function.
Tell him straight up you need to be reassured. Obviously it isn't your fault, but it's fair for you to tell him that he needs to say that and take care of you a bit, because you are worried and stressed out.
As for resolving the issue - you have to remember that it's not your job to that. Of course you care! But it's not your job. He isn't afriad to talk to you, so listen to him and what he wants, support and encourage him. He needs to see a doctor (which, given what you told us, I hope he is already doing regularly) and talk it over with them
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The Question
okay so over the summer i had a "thing" with this guy. then it ended and one of his friends started talking to me about why it ended and blahblah. then he got my number from somewhere and started to text me more and more. i kinda just went along with it cause i like to text haha. i kind of regret it now because he texts me ALL THE TIME and won't leave me alone. like if i don't answer for 5 minutes he'll just keep texting me until i answer and its really annoying. i'm nice to him though and i do text him back most of the time. i want him to back off a little but i do work with him so i want to keep things cool. how can i do this without being mean?
The Answer
How do you get rid of him but still be his friend?
That's a bit like asking how do I push someone into a lake, but make sure they don't get wet.
Face it honey - this guy's idea of 'friendship' includes texting you to the point of harassment. You don't want to be his friend. You don't like his idea of friendship. You just want to be civil and friendly and not too mean.
And that might be hard to manage.
The first thing you do. Is stop answering text messages. You can use Christmas break as an excuse if you'd like, and say "Yeah, I'm too busy for texting right now." Don't tell him when you'll be less busy, but let him know you aren't interested in the texts.
Is it mean? A little bit. But it's no meaner than what he is doing to you.
It's time for him to go a day or two without hearing from you. Just ignore his texts.
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The Question
I am The husband of a wonderful and understanding wife. As i write this i feel it necessary to inform all of you of a few things first. I am not a religious person I have my own faiths about god and morality but as open minded as I try to be I am at a loss and am coming to you all as a last resort.
My wife and I had discussed for a long time the possibility of including other people in are sex life and before long it became a reality. We stepped in to a new experience unaware of the out come. Are experience was with another couple, people we trusted, people that we knew would be open to the idea. Initially I was the one to bring it up but without hesitation everyone jumped at the idea. In the end we had swapped partners. The first time we were all intoxicated and it went seemingly well. After however I had began to have doubts and shared them with my wife. Although I was unsure of how to react after many discussions I had felt that it was necessary to do it again this time with a clear and sober mind. So my wife and I and our friends decided to go for it. Now before I continue I want to say that we entered into this activity with the agreement that if it was uncomfortable with any party involved we would stop and that there would not be any pressure to do it again. That being said we tried again this time instead of us all being in the same room we decided to separate.
I was unable to become comfortable enough with the situation to complete the task at hand. My wife and the other man involved were able to reach that level of comfort and enjoyed themselves thoroughly. At the end of the second time I knew that these activities were not meant for me and expressed my discomfort to my wife with the preconceived notion that there would not be any pressure to perform that sexual feat again. What I did not know then is that my wife enjoyed it so much and she was unable to identify with me in that regard so she produced the thought that we would do it again but I would just need time to come around.
Shortly after the experiences I decided to see a therapist not because f the experience by its self but more just because of the way my life was going. After many sessions we came to the above mentioned topic. It had become relevant again because my wife had decided to go hang out with the guy that had been involved now that by itself did not bother me what bothered me is that she would not discuss and was actively trying to hide what had been said during a conversation via text message. Eventually after a short debate she offered the content of the conversation to me and it was nothing that directly bothered me because I know this guy to be very strange and playful in regards to sexual content. My wife how ever thought that It would elicit an undesirable emotional response which it did but not because of the content her assumption that it would bother me bothered me more than the content its self.
Through this conversation and the one that followed with my therapist I decided that I needed to have a very serious conversation with my wife so that we could get on to the same page about the issue at hand. Over the next few hours my wife and I talked screamed yelled cried but no matter what we did we could not get on the same page. Leaving us with this decision either we stay together and one of us resents the other or we separate and we both resent each other. We have both expressed or feelings fully about the subject matter. And she wants to sleep with other people and encourages me to do the same (which I can and will not) and I want us to only sleep with each other. I do not know what to do I am lost and cannot see the way out I lover her to much to leave and I love my self to much to leave.
If there is anyone out there that has been through this or something similar please respond.
If you have read this far thank you.
The Answer
Seek therapy together.
You did everything right. You talked, were honest, explored with clear boundaries and expectations, you sough therapy and faced your own shit, and now you've reach a point where you both, honestly and fairly, want different things.
You can't compromise on this if you truly find a life of sexual non-monogamy unbearable, and she truly finds a life of sexual monogamy unbearable.
If that is that is the truth of you both as people, then you can't bear life together.
Whether that is the case or not, you now both need to see a counsellor or therapist together (preferably a sex positive, non-religious one who can respect your past choices) and figure out if there is room for compromise, or if it's time to begin negotiating a respectful and amicable end.
You've done your best. You've done very well. For this part, accept you need professional guidance and mediation together.
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The Question
My friend recently told me their was another zodiac sign added in, and that I am not a Capricorn any more, I am a Sagittarius? Is this true? on yahoo it said this has been like that for 2 years? What do I follow? I don't think this is true............ i act so much like a Capricorn.....why would these people all of a sudden change the zodiac signs? Thanks
The Answer
There are two different things happening here. I'm going to try and explain them both clearly.
In most ASTROLOGY that we modern people us in newsappers, there are 12 zodiac signs. Your zodiac sign is your 'Sun Sign'.
Those zodiac signs are based on the sign that is behind the sun during that period of time. (Only they are wrong - we'll come back to that in a second).
In ASTRONOMY, the scientists who actually study the stars accept there is a 13th constellation which spends time behind the sun is part of how they understand an accurate solar calendar. That sign is called Ophiuchus.
Some people have tried to add Ophiuchus to the astrologist's zodiac, so that that zodiac better reflects what is actually happening in the sky.
But even if people do just slot Ophiuchus in, your zodiac sign is STILL NOT an accurate representation of what constellation was behind the sun on the day you were born.
Those 12 zodiac signs you see in the newspaper have never, ever been accurate in any sense of the word. Not as long as you have been alive.
You see, the date ranges for the zodiac signs were determined over 2000 years ago. Each zodiac's date range was based on when it's constellation of stars was behind the sun. However, the earth, and our galaxy and all the stars around us have kept on moving! So, over the many years, the position of the sun on each day has changed, quite a lot actually. (This is called the precession of the equinoxes).
Because the sun has moved, by the time you were born in 1980s or 90s Capricorn was not behind the sun on that date in the year anymore. Sagittarius was. (If you pull out an actual map of the stars on your birthday, you might find out the shift is so great, that the constellation of Leo was actually behind sun on the day you were born.)
Astrology can be fun, but you shouldn't put much faith in it. It's only as trustworthy as fortune cookies. You were ALWAYS a Sagittarius (or maybe a Leo) - if you consider the constellation that was actually behind the sun when you were born. I hope that simple fact helps you see that there are things is every sign that apply to you, and people tend to just accept the bits of the one they are told early on is their own. There is no fact to it at all. Astronomy is science. Astrology is for entertainment purposes only.
But don't take it from me, listen to the amazing Bill Nye...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQPFoDkGFrU
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The Question
I'm 28, female
Ok, so this is a partially love/partially friendship topic so sorry for the long back-story thank you for your time!
My ex-boyfriend (my first love/sex/kiss) and I dated for 5 formative years until we finally fizzled out and decided we needed to date around since at 22 and 23 we felt like an old couple. We honestly stopped being in love but neither of us hurt the other one or cheated or anything-it just died and we're still very close.
We get along extremely well, we can tell each other anything and I often confide in him and seek out his advice-even on relationships! I've always expected that we would remain friends for our entire lives and my current boyfriend of 4 years accepts him and enjoys his company.
Everything was great until he met his now fiance. It's not that she sucks or anything- in fact, since he's been with her, I've only managed to see her once even though my ex and I keep some of the same circle of friends in our hometown, so I haven't had the chance to form an opinion of her. Since they started dating, he has distanced himself greatly and I rarely get to see him in person anymore.
I've received a "save the date" thing for their wedding and I really want to go-it looks fun and I wouldn't dream of missing one of my best friend's weddings! It would break my heart to miss it!
Unfortunately though, I've heard through a mutual friend of ours that the fiance hates me and they've fought a great deal over inviting me-she didn't want me to be there, but apparently he won.
This has been very hurtful for me. Ive never said anything bad about her and I don't really think meeting her one time calls for it. Actually, I think she must be a very cool, smart, and kind person if he would choose to share his life with her. I still very much want to remain friends with my ex and I desperately want his wife-to-be to accept me and the weird (it must be difficult to understand) platonic relationship I have with her fiance, and also, I really want to become her friend too!
I know that if she just spent more time with the two of us she would sense the true nature of our relationship and her mind would be put at ease. I know I can win her over if I just get the chance! However, obviously the reason I barely see him is because she's not cool with it so we don't really have a chance.
It sucks. I seriously care about him SO much-not romantically or sexually but definitely on a deep level.
He is my oldest close friend (10 years) and he means more to me than I could possibly express.
So, the real question:
Should I go to their wedding when I now know that she doesn't want me to be there?
Is it wrong for me to pretend as though I don't know this and press for the chance to spend time with her beforehand in order to win her over?
What can I do to reduce the awkwardness if I go to the event?
Bring my boyfriend?
Sit at the back?
Try to look crappy at the wedding?
Thank you guys!
The Answer
Chill out. Your intensity about this situation is way out of whack with reality. If I were his fiancé I'd be concerned that he had an ex out there who was putting so much energy into this.
You were invited.
You were asked to attend.
You don’t KNOW she doesn’t want you there. You heard gossip. As reliable as that gossip might be – it’s still just gossip. What you do KNOW is that you were invited. What you KNOW is that you were asked to attend.
What you suspect is that she might not be thrilled about it, and you know what: There is always someone at every wedding or party that you aren’t necessarily thrilled about having there. That doesn’t mean you don’t invite your red-neck uncle Sam or your best friend from college who dresses like a skank all the time. You probably still invite them, and accept they are who they are.
You are his ex, and his friend. By inviting you, you’ve been accepted for who you are.
Send your old friend a message telling him how happy you for both of them and expressing your support and excitement about the big day. If you would like – invite them out for a dinner or drink as your treat to celebrate.
If they fought about it or not is really none of your business AT ALL unless your friend brings it up with you - you are invited and it's would be polite and friendly to go. Bring your boyfriend - just like you would to any other friend’s wedding. Dress pretty and respectable - just like you would to any other friend’s wedding.
Don't try to ‘win her over’. That would be presumptuous and belittling. Just buy them a great gift and write a lovely note to congratulate two wonderful people on finding each other and relax!
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The Question
I am a 47 year old man that has been into and out of marriage three times. None of them lasted over a year. I am a recovering alcoholic with two years sobriety. I am dating a wonderful 44 year old woman, Diane, with nine years sobriety. She actively works the program. I do not, but would like to. She has two children.
She has not let me meet them yet (2 months into the relationship) because she wants to take it slow. Here is my problem. I have a problem with overthinking issues. If she doesn't text, I think she doesn't care. If she isn't exhausted after sex, I think I didn't satisfy her. I could go on but I think you get my meaning. I think I have a personality disorder. I am diagnosed depressed and am on medication. I have also been buying her things without reason.
I care deeply for her and want to work this thru. She thinks I am controlling. Is my worrying and caring a form of controlling? What should I do?
Dave
The Answer
Yes – The kind of obsessive concern you describe here is a form of trying to exert control over another person’s feelings, experiences and actions. You might mean to be caring, but it’s actually quite coercive and unkind. It's a classic way of trying to maintain the illusion of complete control, and it’s a pain in the ass for others to be around.
You seem to be aware that your responses to her being tired or busy aren't rational or fair. It shouldn't take much more to recongize that having irrational expectations and responses, or being unfair in your expectations, is a good way to push a partner away.
It's good that you have reached out to medical support, but if you are truly interested in combating your behavioural problems, your best bet is one on one therapy. Whether you have a personality disorder or not, you certainly do have work to do treat your partner as an equal in the relationship, and to exist in a more peaceful and respectful way in your relationship.
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The Question
Hey Razhie :)
I hope you don't mind me asking for some more advice you really helped me with the linked question below:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=588226
This advice was definitely the best and made me feel much more at ease. The article put things into perspective for and I realize now there is absolutely nothing wrong with me however now my boyfriend has the problem and the situation has somewhat reversed with him feeling inadequate.
So I took your advice and last weekend he stayed over. We were much more intimate and spent ages on foreplay,He touched me and stimulated me and it felt really nice and I felt like if we tried sex now it would feel better as I had clitoral stimulation.
But again when we went to have sex it started off okay and we were trying different positions but in nearly most of them we had problems. He couldn't quite get his penis to stay in and im aware thats normal (well Starting off I heard its common?)
So of course I was patient and encouraging telling him to relax and go slow not to over think. But it just got worse I could tell his mind was racing and he was over trying He actually ended up just getting up and walking out of the room to the bathroom! When he came back we talked and he expressed how he felt like he couldn't please me he was no good and couldn't do anything right.
I told him how he wasn't and that its normal we are only 17 and this will get better with practice our minds have to be totally free and relaxed. I told him no one could walk before they could run. I showed him the article you linked me and he said he felt a little better.
So your probably wondering why I am even writing to you..well the thing is he gets a really tough time at home. his family are quite abusive and expect everything from him even though he does absolutely everything its still not enough for them. They have to find something to nip at. It breaks my heart because he is the most selfless person.I understand why he gets so upset about trying to please me during sex.and in general he is always trying to make me happy.
He said he could tell I was getting frustrated during sex and to be quite honest I was not because things werent going right but because I knew he was beating himself up.
I guess what I would like to ask you is how do I help him to put his mind at ease? I am starting to worry slightly despite what I have said that sex will continue to be an issue for us if he cannot clear his mind..It proved really difficult for him to "get it in" In any other position besides missionary and that didn't feel great.
What do you think about all this?
we love each other and we are 100% emotionally ready for sex I know we are but its all these other issues.
I Just really wan't to have a good experience of sex with him because I'm beginning to associate bad times with it?
Any further advice would be absolutely great if you find the time as you helped me so much the last time.
Much love,
Jess
The Answer
Hey Jess, I'm glad the earlier advice was helpful. Way too many people fall into the trap of thinking they have to have 'perfect sex' and end up with nothing but misery. I'm glad you've pulled yourself out of that.
Now, let's hope your boyfriend can pull himself out of it too!
I'll give you some suggestions, but in the end I think it's really important you realize you can't do too much for him on this one. It's his battle to fight - if you spend too much time trying to fight it for him all he will begin to think is "Oh my god! Look at how hard my girlfriend works because I'm such an utter failure!" and you'll just get caught up in a new cycle of self doubt and pain.
I know it's one of the toughest things in the world to do when you care about someone, but you sort of need to perfect giving him the information and the positive message, and then backing off and letting him process himself.
He is doing pretty much exactly what you were doing when I said to you
"We're all different. If you spend all your time worrying about {insert sexual function concern here}, you will end up focus on just one area and simple act of sex and ignore everything else."
So, the advice.
Have 'No Orgasm' sessions. Get naked and cuddle. Make out. Grind and touch each other. If orgasm's happen, whatever, that's fine, but declare a certain amount of time together sexual time without the orgasm goal. The new goal is to have some laughs, some hot kisses and then get dressed and go back to your lives.
I know it's sounds a little bat shit crazy right now, but a lot of adults when they deal with dissatisfaction with sex, often bring up wanting to get back to the basics of being a teen and not feel like the got to get the straight sex, but really want are the hour long makeout sessions and the heavy petting.
Don't 'give up' on penetrative sex. Just back off. It's becoming a negative thing for both of you, and you don't want to associate sex together with negativity. So remove the orgasm goal, or agree to reach orgasms through other means besides penetrative sex.
You are still having SEX without his penis in your vagina. That's one of those cases of focusing on just one area and ignoring other things. Heterosexual intercourse is not the only 'real' sex and not the 'best' sex or the most important sex either. It's a bad summary of everything it means to have a sexual relationship and intimacy with someone else.
When you want to try penetrative sex again (in a few weeks, or say, four or five 'sessions' from now when you've both calmed down, cuddle and laughed together for a while) don't rush in and try a whole bunch of positions all at once. Agree to try one for a few minutes (after much foreplay) then when you begin to get frustrated, go back to something that you know works for you both.
Also, I get a bit of vibe that you think you should be reaching orgasm at the same time - or about the same time. Just so you are totally clear - that rarely happens. It's rare even between couples who know each other really well sexually. If you want to reach orgasm while he fingers you and plays with you, and then would like to have intercourse until he reaches orgasm - go for it!
It's understandable that this whole thing was a blow to his ego and confidence, but confidence isn't something you can give back to him. He's gotta find it on his own. So back track a bit and try to inject the fun and pleasure back into your sexual activities for a while. Then approach it next time with a firmer plan (and a solid, reliable plan B for when plan A doesn't quite work).
I'm sorry that really isn't perfect advice. Just remember you'd been dealing with this concern in your head for a while, and he's a bit newer to it. Give him some time and space, and have some fun in the meantime.
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The Question
I love my boyfriend very much, we've been dating for a little over a year now. Recently, I've been going to some legal programs as punishment for a small wreck a few months ago. While there, I've met a guy that is really nice. When we first started going, he was really cool and I could tell he was flirting with me but I didn't flirt back because I have a boyfriend and I'd never dream of cheating on him. Anyways, tonight was our last court date and he lives about an hour away so there isn't really a reason for us to see each other anymore. The thing is, I like him a lot as a friend and I'd like to be better friends with him but I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, especially my boyfriend. After we left the court house, this other guy asked me out to dinner and I politely declined (he didn't know I had a boyfriend at the time). Later, I added him on facebook and he apologized for asking me out because he didn't know I had a boyfriend at the time and I decided not to tell my boyfriend about this guy asking me out because I didn't want to cause unnecessary jealousy...so I guess what I'm asking is, would it be wrong of me to pursue a friendship with this guy? I feel like it would be selfish of me to do so because it might hurt my boyfriend and lead this other guy on...but could I still text this guy some times?? I just don't know where to draw the line! Thanks for any help!
The Answer
JUST TELL THEM BOTH.
The problem isn't wanting to make a new friend - the problem is not being honest.
Tell the new guy that you are really happy with your boyfriend and would like to be his friend - if he up for that (he might be too embarrassed, or decide for his own reasons not to be friends with you.)
Then tell your boyfriend you made a new friend at court, and a bit about him.
Then treat the new guy AS a friend. Think about the ways you interact with other friends - do you text them every single day? Probably not. So if you find yourself texting your new court friend every day, you know you are mucking up.
It's not quite as complicated as you think. You just need to start being up front with people. Your only mistake so far is not telling the guy right away when he asked you to dinner that you had a boyfriend.
If you are uncomfortable with just being honest (like I imagine you were a bit when you didn't just tell the guy you had a boyfriend when you first noticed him flirting or when he asked you out) then you have a problem, and shouldn't pursue a friendship with this guy until you have fixed your problem and have learned to be up front with people, including your boyfriend.
The only trouble in this whole thing, is when you don't tell the truth. Which makes me worried about WHY you don't tell the truth - and that will make your boyfriend worried too.
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