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Commitment problems
My boyfriend has commitment problems, since most of his life he was single. He is having trouble coping with working, school, and a relationship. He thinks he's not "made for relationships."
He still loves me and everything, but what can I do to help him cope with his lifestyle? What can I do to not make him think this way?
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Sounds to me like he's trying to tell you that he doesn't want to be a boyfriend, your boyfriend. He's just too cowardly to say the words, so he'll beat around the bush and put out all these signals and say confusing things like "I'm not made for relationships" and he'll hope that eventually you'll just break up with him, so he doesn't have to be the one to feel bad. Sorry, but what a jerk! Just walk. It'll hurt, but not as much as it'll hurt later when he does something bad, like cheats on you (then his oh so handy excuse will be 'I told you I wasn't made for relationships? 'see how that works?). You can't make him do anything. You can only decide what you are willing to make yourself do.
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You can help him by telling him to define his terms, and by firmly kicking him in the ass
A lifestyle is a choice. Commitment is a choice. It's not like being gay for goodness sakes. Commitment phobia and Work Life balance struggles are not things you were born with. These are habits and ways of approaching life.
They are very common problems for people, but fundamentally when your habits or approach are at odds with you having a happy committed relationship (if a happy relationship is what you want) then you work to change your habits, or go find a relationship that jives wiyth your habits.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not easy to change. It’s damn difficult if you are used to living one way, only to find that in order to be happier, you have to try and live another way. That is extremely difficult. By all means be sympathetic and understanding when your boyfriend finds it difficult to cope and makes changes.
But when he says he is “Not cut out for a relationship” give him the swift kick of informing him that no, that that is a choice actually, not his eye colour. Being in a relationship is about choices we make in life - those choices can be hard sometimes, but they don't mean you aren't capable of other choices.
The second thing you make him do is define what ‘made for’ means. What parts of a relationship does he feel not cut out for? Does he feel romantically inadequate? Is it simply too much time for him to devote? Does he feel he can’t be faithful? What parts of what he imagines a relationship SHOULD be does he feel he can’t manage?
Knowing this will help you with two things: First it will help you know where he is weak and what issues will be the toughest for him to address and change. It will also help you tell him about your values and your weakness in relationships, so he knows some of the things he thinks he must to do be ‘in a relationship’ are not really so vital to you, or even that some of them are things you really struggle with.
It’s a strange balance to be struck: Because on one hand you want to respect his feelings, but on the other hand you don’t need to put up with silly statements like “I’m not made for a relationship.” No one is made for a relationship: We are all selfish, stressed out freaks. We choose relationships, and if they work for us we keep choosing them.
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