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Husband lying
hello my husband just deployed to afghanistan and like 2 weeks before he left i kept catching him lie. like he told me he wouldnt look at inappropriate internet pictures he promised actually. then one day i was showing him how to do something on his computer and they popped up and he lied about it. then started accusing me of not trusting him when he tried to minimize the window. which i was like whatever its not a big deal ill get over it and he apologized. recently his ex messaged him just asking to catch up and talk, this was his ex of 3 years and like his first love. he did tell me that she messaged him, and i told him not to message her back because i didnt want it to start something just like he asked me not to talk to a certain one of my ex's. well today i had a bad feeling about it and we share each other's passwords and i found out on facebook he did message her and had been talking to her. i was completely crushed because he told me he wouldnt. it may be dumb but i just felt like if he talked to her again he would grow those feelings back for her, even though we're married. i'm just so sad he lied to me again. i dont want him to think i dont trust him and i dont want him knowing that i went on his fb because he'll accuse me of not trusting him again etc. so i sent him a message through fb asking him if he talked to her because i had a bad feeling about it, im not sure what to do or say if he lies or confesses it.. i have a feeling he's gonna lie. i dont know why all this is happening we had a really good relationship and i thought it was so honest :( help i dont know what to do!
thanks
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You're acting like an insecure teenager, I'm guessing you're 21 or younger.
If not, grow up. Your insecurities are dictating what amount of trust your husband gets instead of whether or not he's actually trustworthy.
The way you're acting, the marriage will most certainly not last. You make unfair demands, which he agrees to to placate you, and then does what he wants to do.
That implies either that your husband is a jackass to match your insecure control freak, or that you are entirely unapproachable and unreasonable.
I can't tell you where the truth lies, but I can frame it pretty well.
And I can tell you without a doubt that a guy isn't going to stick with a girl who can't be secure in the fact that he likes her. Trying to convince someone you love them is a tiring, frustrating business. The frustration breeds resentment, and resentment breeds breakups and divorces. Assuming he's not a jackass who'll just do what he likes regardless, this is your problem to deal with, and once you've realized that you need to talk with him and set some new relationship boundaries. Looser ones.
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Rahzie nailed it like she usually does. All I can add to her advice is that you guys are in the early stages of a potentially serious problem, but there's a good chance that you can turn it around and fix it. He wasn't completely hiding his communication with his ex - he knew you had the password! He's being passive-aggressive by communicating with her after you asked him not to; in other words, he resents your trying to control him, like you did with him looking at porn, but doesn't want to just come out and say so.
So: like Rahzie says - he needs to stand up to you, and you need to let him know that's OK and he won't automatically lose you just by being honest.
Good luck!
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You don't trust him and I feel that's warranted. So far, he's done little to earn your trust. You have let him know that his behavior and internet habits are hurting you. Marriage is a partnership and if it's a problem for you that he searches porn and talks to his ex's online then it's a problem for the marriage and you have every right to let him know how you feel. He should be mature enough to realize that. It's not like you're both kids dating here. You took marriage vows. There's a reason why Facebook has now been sited in 1 out of every 5 online divorce petition. Social networks like Facebook make it easy for past loves to reconnect and for individuals to conduct clandestine relationships online. Long-term marriages have ended because of reconnections on Facebook. And as far as I see it you have a double whammy going on here. First, you have his questionable internet habits and then you have him lying to you about it. Having him so far away can't be helping either. If you were still in the same country I would urge you to get couples counseling, but of course the distance prevents this. Perhaps you can join a group for wives of deployed soldiers? It's very likely concerns like yours will be addressed at these meetings and could likely be helpful to you. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!
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It's pointless to say that you don't want him to think you don't trust him: You DON'T trust him.
You don't trust him to speak to an ex without falling in love with her.
You don't trust him to have a solo sexual experience that doesn't threaten his sexual experiences with you.
You don't trust him to have even basic privacy of communication online.
It's the funny thing about trust. The less of it you give a person, the more likely they are to protect the smidgen of your trust they do have through lying.
I'm not defending your husband. You've got some damn good reasons not to trust him.
Instead of lying and avoiding the subjects, he should be standing up for his own opinions and beliefs. If he believes there is nothing wrong with a bit of pornography, he should say so and be willing to discuss the issue with you - not lie. If he wants to talk to an ex, and doesn't think it poses a threat to your relationship, he should say so, reassure you that he is perfectly capable of loving you and having a casual conversation with her, and than speak to her openly and without deception.
Obviously his behavoir is very, very far from perfect, and not okay.
But you have to recognize your contribution to the distrust in your relationship. If lying to you is easier than disagreeing with you, you have a huge relationship issue. You are imposing rules rather than even acknowledging that his opinions might be different than yours.
No amount of password sharing will protect you from him simply not having the exact same idea as you. If you aren't able to at least talk about your different opinions and ideas and have some respect for situations where you believe one thing, and his actions show he clearly believes another, you'll never really be honest with each other. You'll just be 'polite liars' for the rest of your lives together.
You don't want him to think the ugly truth about you: That is that you don't trust him and because of that are seeking more control over him then is respectful. And he doesn't want you to find out the ugly truth about him: That he insecure and thinks lying is easier than actually having a pair of balls and standing up for his own choices and beliefs.
Stop hiding the truth from one another, and together you both might manage to become better, more honest and respectful people.
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You've caught your husband lying more than once, The trust isn't there, Honesty isn't there and respect isn't there either. Clearly, Your marriage is going down the shitter.
You need to sit him down and talk to him, You've already found proof he lied to you once again, If he lies when you express how your feeling then I would let him know you that you found out through his facebook. Although he will get mad and accuse you of not trusting him...This is where I would throw in "I did trust you but you kept lying to me" YOU are his wife, He should be fully committed to YOU. If he can't do so then he isn't worth being married too. This is unhealthy, You've got a world of red flags in front of you.
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