|
Hoping you can help again..
Hey Razhie :)
I hope you don't mind me asking for some more advice you really helped me with the linked question below:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This advice was definitely the best and made me feel much more at ease. The article put things into perspective for and I realize now there is absolutely nothing wrong with me however now my boyfriend has the problem and the situation has somewhat reversed with him feeling inadequate.
So I took your advice and last weekend he stayed over. We were much more intimate and spent ages on foreplay,He touched me and stimulated me and it felt really nice and I felt like if we tried sex now it would feel better as I had clitoral stimulation.
But again when we went to have sex it started off okay and we were trying different positions but in nearly most of them we had problems. He couldn't quite get his penis to stay in and im aware thats normal (well Starting off I heard its common?)
So of course I was patient and encouraging telling him to relax and go slow not to over think. But it just got worse I could tell his mind was racing and he was over trying He actually ended up just getting up and walking out of the room to the bathroom! When he came back we talked and he expressed how he felt like he couldn't please me he was no good and couldn't do anything right.
I told him how he wasn't and that its normal we are only 17 and this will get better with practice our minds have to be totally free and relaxed. I told him no one could walk before they could run. I showed him the article you linked me and he said he felt a little better.
So your probably wondering why I am even writing to you..well the thing is he gets a really tough time at home. his family are quite abusive and expect everything from him even though he does absolutely everything its still not enough for them. They have to find something to nip at. It breaks my heart because he is the most selfless person.I understand why he gets so upset about trying to please me during sex.and in general he is always trying to make me happy.
He said he could tell I was getting frustrated during sex and to be quite honest I was not because things werent going right but because I knew he was beating himself up.
I guess what I would like to ask you is how do I help him to put his mind at ease? I am starting to worry slightly despite what I have said that sex will continue to be an issue for us if he cannot clear his mind..It proved really difficult for him to "get it in" In any other position besides missionary and that didn't feel great.
What do you think about all this?
we love each other and we are 100% emotionally ready for sex I know we are but its all these other issues.
I Just really wan't to have a good experience of sex with him because I'm beginning to associate bad times with it?
Any further advice would be absolutely great if you find the time as you helped me so much the last time.
Much love,
Jess
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
Hey Jess, I'm glad the earlier advice was helpful. Way too many people fall into the trap of thinking they have to have 'perfect sex' and end up with nothing but misery. I'm glad you've pulled yourself out of that.
Now, let's hope your boyfriend can pull himself out of it too!
I'll give you some suggestions, but in the end I think it's really important you realize you can't do too much for him on this one. It's his battle to fight - if you spend too much time trying to fight it for him all he will begin to think is "Oh my god! Look at how hard my girlfriend works because I'm such an utter failure!" and you'll just get caught up in a new cycle of self doubt and pain.
I know it's one of the toughest things in the world to do when you care about someone, but you sort of need to perfect giving him the information and the positive message, and then backing off and letting him process himself.
He is doing pretty much exactly what you were doing when I said to you
"We're all different. If you spend all your time worrying about {insert sexual function concern here}, you will end up focus on just one area and simple act of sex and ignore everything else."
So, the advice.
Have 'No Orgasm' sessions. Get naked and cuddle. Make out. Grind and touch each other. If orgasm's happen, whatever, that's fine, but declare a certain amount of time together sexual time without the orgasm goal. The new goal is to have some laughs, some hot kisses and then get dressed and go back to your lives.
I know it's sounds a little bat shit crazy right now, but a lot of adults when they deal with dissatisfaction with sex, often bring up wanting to get back to the basics of being a teen and not feel like the got to get the straight sex, but really want are the hour long makeout sessions and the heavy petting.
Don't 'give up' on penetrative sex. Just back off. It's becoming a negative thing for both of you, and you don't want to associate sex together with negativity. So remove the orgasm goal, or agree to reach orgasms through other means besides penetrative sex.
You are still having SEX without his penis in your vagina. That's one of those cases of focusing on just one area and ignoring other things. Heterosexual intercourse is not the only 'real' sex and not the 'best' sex or the most important sex either. It's a bad summary of everything it means to have a sexual relationship and intimacy with someone else.
When you want to try penetrative sex again (in a few weeks, or say, four or five 'sessions' from now when you've both calmed down, cuddle and laughed together for a while) don't rush in and try a whole bunch of positions all at once. Agree to try one for a few minutes (after much foreplay) then when you begin to get frustrated, go back to something that you know works for you both.
Also, I get a bit of vibe that you think you should be reaching orgasm at the same time - or about the same time. Just so you are totally clear - that rarely happens. It's rare even between couples who know each other really well sexually. If you want to reach orgasm while he fingers you and plays with you, and then would like to have intercourse until he reaches orgasm - go for it!
It's understandable that this whole thing was a blow to his ego and confidence, but confidence isn't something you can give back to him. He's gotta find it on his own. So back track a bit and try to inject the fun and pleasure back into your sexual activities for a while. Then approach it next time with a firmer plan (and a solid, reliable plan B for when plan A doesn't quite work).
I'm sorry that really isn't perfect advice. Just remember you'd been dealing with this concern in your head for a while, and he's a bit newer to it. Give him some time and space, and have some fun in the meantime.
]
More Questions: |