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I have no idea about relationships...
...because I've never dated anyone before. I'm now in college, and I never thought about dating anyone before. I never got interested because it seemed like too much to deal with, and because I never found anyone interesting enough to date. I also didn't think I was "girl friend material." I didn't think I would attract anyone because of incidents that happened in middle school [girls competing for who was the most attractive, even tho I never volunteered someone would always have an opinion anyway]... So I get I had, and still have, low self-esteem.
But before I started college, I met someone that changed this. He said he was interested in me as well. However, because of my insecurities, I told him I didn't want to start anything. This was around the time on of his ex-girlfriends was begging him to give her a second chance. I had just met him and didn't think I was good enough [and certainly did not want to compete with an ex of his] I told him he should give her a second chance. At this point we didn't know our feelings for each other, it was only after he broke up with her that we confessed our feelings to each other.
While he was with his ex, I met another guy. I fell head-over-heels in love with him, and he said he felt the same way towards me. We had busy schedules, so we always planned out our days together so we could have time to be together. Whenever I was sad, he knew how to make me happy. He would even make me happy without trying. Being with him made me want to become a better person. I started sleeping early, doing my work on time, and so on, and he was just perfect the way he was. He would sleep on time, was dedicated to his job, which he found to be completely boring, he was great in school, smart, shared the same sense of humor as me, he was just wonderful. But later he moved to help out his mother, and things became long distant. He said he loved me, but he didn't want to make things difficult for me either. He thought it was best to just be friends. But this was hard on the both of us, and one day he disappeared out of my life completely. He would always tell me how things might be better for the both of us if we stopped contact... "out of sight, out of mind." For all of 2010, he has been in and out of my life, mostly out of my life.
When I was a girl, I told myself I would never be one of those girls who would get depressed over a guy. I was too strong for this. But that winter, I would lock myself up in my room for hours. I would only come out to eat, shower, and school, but I felt like a ghost, like i had no purpose. I told myself, as a girl, that I would never define my life over a guy, and yet I was doing the exact opposite as a college student. And even though I tried my best in school and for this not to effect me, my grades went downhill that quarter [1 GPA]. Today, it's finally back up to a 3 GPA... it took a lot out of me to do this... but a part of me also did it because I thought about how it might make him disappointed in me if he ever found out what I had done after he left me.
I know it's silly to think that way, but in the end, it was his image that motivated me to do my best.
While all this drama was happening, the first guy I mentioned dated a girl who later became my friend. He dated her while he still had feelings for me, and I could see the break up that was soon to follow and how things were going to be ugly. I won't go into details, but she told me that throughout their relationship, he would always talk and think about me. She thought she was going to be able to change him, which is why she kept dating him [she thought he was "the one" for her].
After they broke up, she refuses to talk to him, even when she discovered that she was pregnant. She miscarried, but throughout my time of being friends with her, she would lie to me and only tell me the truth when she found no other way out. Her actions have shown me that this guy was not as bad as she was trying to make him out to be... it was just her way of resurring that I would not date him.
For the longest time I have declined to dating him... but as months passed, everyone has told me to give him a chance, even after what had happened with the other girl. I finally gave in...
Things were good... but recently Ive noticed that I wasn't very happy. I've subconsciously been comparing him to the guy who suddenly left me. Realizing this was unfair, I told him tonight about what I have been doing, and how some of the things he does makes me unhappy.
I want to give him a chance, but how can I do this when I haven't completely forgotten about the other guy I fell in love with?
I also think this relationship is wrong because I've been hiding it from his ex [tho a lot of people tell me its ok since she hid her relationship and other things from me... however, i dont think 2 wrongs makes it right].
Tonight, I have a heart ache.
I miss both these guys... Is it possible to love two men at once? How can i get over the other guy, or should i wait for his return? Should I even continue the relationship i currently have? Or should i give up on both of them completely?
I've had so many questions the past 2 years... and the people I know have not been helpful. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of crying over these two. There have been so many times Ive wished to return to being the girl who didn't care about love. Life was much more simpler then... Now not only am I sad about not being able to find someone, whenever I do, I always compare him to the guy who left me. Why do I care so much over him? He was careless with me, even thought his intentions were meant to do good.
I just want to know if I did good, or if I had done anything wrong.... and I want to know what I can do now. I don't want to keep living like this anymore.
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Hey,
By the sounds of all your writing here, you know quite a bit about relationships. Sure you are at a point where you don't know what to do, but you have learned alot by having all these expiriences.
The guy whom you fell head over heels for sounds like a guy who is everything and is doing everything he can to make you happy. These kind of guys are rare. See if you can work things out with him. Long distance relationships can be successful if you both put in the effort. A lot of girls think that they won't ever get choked up because of a guy, but they always do. You just have to find that guy that makes you smile, laugh, and who takes a place in your heart.. then you know exactly what it is like. Expecially to miss someone and want to be with them.
The guy who you declined, does not sound bad, just misunderstood. To give him a chance, you must be open with him, let him know you have these feelings, and if he doesn't think he can help you get through them, he isn't the guy for you. Tell him that as much as you want to give him a chance, you are still coping with the past. He should understand if he really does like/care for you. It is wrong to think you should hide a relationship, because his ex did before. Two wrongs do not make a right; you are correct. It would only cause more heartache and get you nowhere closer to the guy you want to be with.
And it is definately possible to love two men at once. That is one reason why there are people cheating on eachother in our world everyday. If you want to get over the other guy, you can. But, if he says he wants to make it work and you do too, I would give him a great chance. He sounds amazing for you. It is ultimately up to you to decide if you want to keep the realationship you are in. If you don't feel the same way for this guy as you do for the one who is away, then don't stick with him. He would then be considered a hold-over for the guy you really want to be with.
Do not give up on both of them. Know the guy who treats you with care and respect. Who holds you tightly, is there for you, gives you sweet kisses, makes your heart glow, puts a smile on your face, supports you and allows you to be yourself. You know who he is. When this guy is around, your heart will tell you yes! so many times over that you are completely in love. It is not easy to get out of love once you are in it, it just becomes more complicated then better. I believe you are still attached to the guy who was careless, for he was there first. Your heart will always remember the first. You have done nothing wrong. Life takes its curves and you just have to follow sometimes. Be with the person who makes your heart melt with joy. It is a sure sign of the better things to come <3
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Oh hun, just go to therapy and talk to someone.
There are so many ways in which you are sabotaging yourself, not just romantically. Whatever else happens in your love life, you need to get that tendency to undermine yourself, and imagine destructive stories and misery, under control. Your troubled romantic life is a symptom, not the cause, of your unhappiness.
You’ve obviously made some strides in pulling yourself together and achieving at school – but your dysfunctional thinking runs deeper than that. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favour if you recognize you’ve got some hard work to get your head on straight, to value yourself and establish and stand up for your own values and thoughts, and start doing the hard work to achieve that now while you are young.
You haven’t DONE anything wrong. You’ve clearly tried to be honest and respectful to others, but you continue to struggle with giving yourself the same clear, generous and reasoned treatment. You probably do know how to be in a relationship – You are intelligent and empathetic. Taking care of others is easy. What are struggling to learn is how to take care of yourself.
This isn’t about loving someone else. You can do that. You can do that easily and well. What you can’t quite manage is loving yourself.
Get a counsellor, through your school if you’d. It’s worth the money if you need to pay for it.
Tell your friend that you are dating her ex. You want to do it. You know it’s the right thing to do. You are the kind of person who particularly hard on herself when you think aren’t behaving morally, and this is an easy thing to fix. So do it. You’ll feel better.
Then think about what you want with the guy you have. Don’t compare him, but look at him for his own merits? Do you want a relationship with him right now? Do you want a less serious relationship? Do you want to stop seeing for a while? Go with your gut, and ask for his support with the thing that will make you feel most at peace.
But above all, start talking to someone. You aren’t deeply fucked up or anything, but you are smart enough and reflective enough to beat the destructive thought patterns that are dragging you down. You owe it to yourself to wage on all-out war on the anxiety and self-loathing you carry, and to begin to learn how to ask others to met the high standard of behaviour and sense you expect in yourself.
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