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Still hung up over first best friend
I'm a 17 year old girl. First off, I would like to admit that I feel terrible about all this. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out how to move on. Anyway.
I was always I quite child. I never really associated with anyone and I still struggle with social issues this day (I have a boyfriend and a two people I occasionally talk to). That's why I was surprised I was able to make a friend in 6th grade. She was a fellow 6th grader, who I shall call Katherine. Katherine and I were best friends for two years. We had sleep overs, birthday parties, and we even ventured into a sewer together (I had to retrieve my lost shoe.)
I loved her as a friend. However there was sort of a dark/embarrassing aspect to our relationship; we'd roleplay on the internet, with each other playing as ourselves and as a fictional guy the other girl liked. (for example, Katherine would play herself and character X while I'd do myself and character Y) It was great for a long while. We'd have our girl parties and stuff, and we'd roleplay later. In 7th grade she had to move. Before Katherine left she asked me if I'd ever leave her and I said no, I wouldn't...
However one day later that year I asked to roleplay online and she refused. I don't remember my mindset at the moment, but I just logged off. Perhaps it was because we had drifted apart, but I just didn't feel like dealing with her. Before I continue I should mention one aspect about Katherine that really got under my skin; she would put me down to impress guys. She always did that when we were in chat rooms and a guy joined. I was okay with that at first, but later when she did that, I'd just mutter "slut" under my breath in real life and move on.
Anyway, Katherine and I ceased talking. It wasn't until 9th grade she came to my high school. I saw her and it was awkward shuffling and we kind of voided each other. Seeing her reminded me of how jealous I was of her tiny physique and her long, pretty, straight hair. I'm still sort of jealous to this day because I've always been chubby and tall (5'9). We continued to avoid each other and in 10th grade we had English. She was becoming friends with my only two friends and I just decided to chat with all three of them from time to time. We didn't talk outside of that class. Nothing else changed.
Fast forward to current day. Every time I see her in the hall way, she is all over her boyfriend of I believe 1 year. Even though I have a boyfriend of my own (4 years) I still burn inside with some type of emotion when I see them all over each other. I remember how she used to put me down for over guys and I want to scream "whore" at her. (I would never do that because it is very rare for me to act out.) and I can't a get away from them. Between every class, I see the two of them hugging and making out and it just makes something inside of me burn... I feel really petty and stupid for feeling like this. I want to stop and get over Katherine.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Slightly odd advice I know, but how about you just let yourself be mad with her?
She snubbed you and embarrassed you. Your interactions made you feel ashamed of your sexuality and you are now annoyed when you see her (what appears comfortably) flaunting hers.
That falls well under 'perfectly normal' resentment.
It's not stupid or petty. You are dealing with some pretty charged emotions here, and she has become a lightning rod for perfectly normal negative feelings.
Now, of course I'm not encouraging you to actually act on your anger, but I would be willing to bet you'd find it subside a lot if you just accepted it, and acknowledged the discomfort and shame inside you that is fueling it.
Remember that although her actions and choices are very different from yours (and you don't have to respect or like hers at all), they do come from the same kinds of embarrassment and early sexual confusions you experimented with together online. She handled it all very differently than you, but when you know someone that well, you inevitably get to see the hypocrisies in their choices.
The jealousy is something you should try to get a handle on, because that really is more about you than it is her. And simply realizing how much of it is coming from how you feel about your body and sexual expression and not anything to with hers might help you. But you don't have to like her actions or choices, and you are free to resent her hypocrisies. Stay civil and don't demonize her, but give yourself permission to feel what you feel about your own past, and start to let it go.
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