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Poetry: Iambic Pentameter check
I am revising a poem for a poetry class, but my accent and brain can not wrap around iambic pentameter. I think I was doing most of it not iambic, and i get lost when I try to help. Can someone check this, and help out with the lines I got wrong? thanks!
He came home with tiny metal blessings
Shining in a barrel full of dead ends
“Vows are forever, and not for testing,
Together we will be in death to transcend.”
Fight or Flight took over her assessing,
With her heart versus the estranged husband
“God please, what are the odds of him missing?
Who will be there to tend to our children?”
Bullets fired, no need for a confession,
One left in the caliber with great intent
Love on his hands, he pointed to his aggression,
A last breath, then
“click”
to make him ascend.
Children were left to clean the blood stained mess,
With bodies of their parents to caress.
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He came home with tiny metal blessings – fine.
Shining in a barrel full of dead ends – v. good. but you don't need the capital here.
“Vows are forever, and not for testing, - nice.
Together we will be in death to transcend.” – 11 beats, you can argue that it’s enjambment, but it is still a very weak line. It’s weak first off, because the sentence is so incomplete it’s meaning is garbled, and secondly because it’s a very weak rhyme. Without doing your homework for you, I’d suggest you try not to enjamb here, and finish on the pure rhythm, the plural ‘transcends’. Something like this “one in death, the united spirit transcends.”
Fight or Flight took over her assessing, - this is grammatically incorrect and a bit garbled agian, which is okay, but it's better to avoid it. The better form of asses would be ‘took over the assessment.” 'Her assessing' implies it is HER value that is being determined, and I don’t think that is what you mean.
With her heart versus the estranged husband – You also don’t need a capital at the beginning of this line, and it doesn’t rationally follow from Fight or Flight. These are two thoughts, without clear connection. It’s fine for the iambic pentameter, but these two lines are not great poetry.
“God please, what are the odds of him missing? - v good.
Who will be there to tend to our children?” - fine
Bullets fired, no need for a confession, - 11 beats – but it’s nice as enjambment, which works well for you and speeds the line up with a sense of urgency. It means confession is said not "da DUM" rhytmn but as "deda DUM". Very powerful. I'd keep it.
One left in the caliber with great intent – 11 beats again, not so nice feeling this time. I'd suggest removing the word 'great'.
Love on his hands, he pointed to his aggression, - 12 beats! Eep! Fix Fix!
A last breath, then
“click”
to make him ascend. – This is good. Although if your teacher is a stickler you might consider writing it
A last breath then – Click – to make him ascend.
Children were left to clean the blood stained mess – fine.
With bodies of their parents to caress. - 10 beats, but honestly, a weak ending. Can you imagine a child caressing a corpse in this way? It’s a very grown up behaviour to 'caress' the body of a dead loved one, and seems a bit odd to me. You might consider reworking these last two lines.
It's a some good clear imagery you've got there and the story is well articulated. Just clean it up a little bit and you are golden.
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