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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
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Well I'm 22, I met this lovely guy last year summer around July and we clicked on straight away it was an instant spark! Our first 3 dates were so great feels like I've known him forever! However I went back to university in September and what not and obviously I only saw him whenever I got the chance , we have had sex twice now (because I'm scared to catch loads of feelings) however I know I've caught plenty of feelings for this guy, he's said he's liked me but he's only said it once Iv brought it up, like when we're together we treat eachother like we're a couple but we're not! I know it's not all about a title but i really do wanna be his girlfriend and he knows this cause I brought it up , he said that he says we shouldn't rush it that I just got back from university again and we've started seeing eachother again however it's been almost a year next month since we met and I have caught feelings. The last times I've seen him we've had one date and I've been to his house ... He said his mum knows about me, and I've met his dad (so so weird on the second date) he said he would wanna have something with me but I feel like time is dragging and I'm catching more feelings! I don't wanna bring this up with him anymore cause Iv said it twice and I don't wanna push him away, Iv been back almost 3 weeks now and I feel like we haven't had s proper date in ages, he does call me he prefers to do that than text me. I feel like I get mixed signals from him, don't know what to do. I'm scared to keep sleeping with him cause I know il fall more .. I don't know what he wants to be honest , he says he's interested in me, I do see that sometimes but I wish he showed more attention it really sucks! What do I doo😠I'm so into him and I'm so sweet but I don't wanna smother this guy I balance my attention with him but I feel if I don't speak as much he will think I'm not as into him! Help this is so frustrating !
Perhaps he got burnt in past relationships so he wants to take things slow, meaning in guys talk, no commitment, just the benefits of a committed relationship. Then when push comes to shove and things don't go as he may like, its easier for him to just walk away.
Not all guys are like this but often it comes with the age range we're looking at if he's anywhere near your age. Guys in their 20s are not necessarily ready to settle down to just one relationship. If they make a commitment and something better comes along, it would mean having to dump the current lady in his life to move on to someone else catching his interest.
My opinion is that guys like this haven't given any thought to what they really want in a female so they can't recognize it and fall in love with it when they have it.
Being attracted to looks is important but if looking for someone more than a social partner or sex partner, then you need to really know for yourself what you are ready for and wanting so you also can recognize it when you see it.
It won't work if one sees the other as being the right one when the other doesn't and waiting for time to go by until they wake up and see that too isn't always going to happen. Sometimes maybe, but most the time, no. If after a year, his feelings for you haven't grown, then all he is, is a social companion and sex partner or sexual interest. Men can have sex without it tying in their emotions, but women when having sex, tend to develop feelings for the guy. Just because the sex is good, or even if it isn't, the fact one is having sex with someone doesn't mean that the person would make a good mate so here is where females have trouble seeing clearly or setting ultimatums based on their goals. We expect that just because a guy regularly is willing to hang out with us, that he has decided we are the one for him. Girls dream of getting married to their prince and having a family with him since we are little kids and so we tend to want to rush into that scenerio the moment one man is paying attention to us.
Maybe this will help: Ask yourself if you are currently looking for a man who is only ready to call you girlfriend but date you for decades without any mention of marriage. Or are you hoping to marry someday and have children. You better be sure any guy you spend time with is also looking for marriage to the right one, he want kids too, cus lots of gals have married without knowing how the guy feels about not ever having kids or hoping they can change his mind later.
The most immportant thing if you want to be happy in a relationship, is to find a guy who is exactly at the right place and is exaxtly the kind of guy you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. He needs to be that ideal that you have in mind at the time you meet or its a 50/50 chance or less of it ever happening if you're with a guy not ready to commit.
I think you may benefit from hearing my version of the stages of relationships.
Its starts with visual attraction. If one doest go to the next stage and start at least talking to see if there is still a genuine interest in learning more about the other, then you're only crushing, its not a relationship.
ONce you talk, if the talk keeps deadending and neither seems really interested in the other, it end right there. If you ejoyed talking, then say so and ask to hang out.
This is where stage 3, dating starts. Some call it hanging out together. ANY time spent with another person is an opportunity to get to know more about them. Its a discovery period only. And based on what you discover, you either begin to admire and fall for the person or you don't. In this period, if something bad is discovered that you won't tolerate, or even if not bad but not what you want in a guy, this is when you split up and start all over with someone new. If alls good and both have fallen for the other, then you now date as a committed couple...an old term for it is called "Going steady". From this point on, the couple works toward plans of being together for the rest of their lives or very long term and so they move in together as domestic partners and lovers, or marry and have kids.
You two are at the hanging out together stage after a year. By now its enough time to know wether you want to go further and make commitments or not. I would say if a couple can see each other several times a week consistantly, then in 6 months or sooner, they both can be sure if they want to become a committed couple or part and go their own ways.
Theres nothing wrong with having a person who is just your social companion to do stuff with, or a friend with benefits, but lots of females aren't happy with that and want more.
So the objective is to find out before the 1st date or during it, just where the other person stands. To me, a date to hang out shouldn't be something fun to do together like bike riding, the movies, bowling or roller skating. Talk, 75 to 80% of the times you are together is the most important thing to getting to know the person.
So would you rather find out right now if he's on the same page with you or if you need to part ways? I am not being harsh here dear. I have lived this in the time I got divorced and before meeting my 2nd husband. I met all sorts of idiots and liars, but also met lots of really nice guys and some so hot looking like male models from a magazine. YOu can do your version of these talks right away with him or try to live in somewhat blissful ignorance, never knowing if or when in the future your heart might be broken cus the guy dumps you. So get him talking. If he had no idea of what he wants, then you need to be the example and go first. But that means you need to have a list too of what you are looking for in a guy, and what you want. Heres an example of how I'd talk to a guy I just met and went out for coffee just to talk, like two business people discussing all the important details for a business merger...which is what you are in a sense looking to do, a merging of two lives together.
So I would start with: "I have some things to share with you so you can make an educated decision on whether you still want to date me and I will of course want to learn more things about you. You can ask me any question you like, Nothing is off topic if its important to you. I am an open book and would rather you know my spots and wrinkles up front so you can decide if you're scared or would rather just walk away. So heres what I am looking for. ( the basics were listed in a dating profile where I met these guys)
Basically I will go over and explain my stance more in detail. I have boundaries and one biggie is based on an ex who abused me verbally. I will not stay with any man who begins to exhibit the types of traits of and abusive, controlling person or one with an anger problem. I don't do the knee jerk reaction, I am patient and willing to work with someone.......
(once done explaining that I told them that I was looking for either a very long term or life long partner, either with marriage or without. I was looking for my spiritual equal and sexual equal. (Here is where you mention that having at least one child of your own is a desire you won't give up or settle for less. So you need to find out if he is currently searching for the girl to marry and whether he wants kids. Ask him to give example of under what circumstances he gets frustrated, angry or upset. We all do. Heck even Jesus did in one story of the Bible.
It's how we personally handle it, what outlet we use to relieve the stress and anger and whether we focus it on our partner or not. I would not tolerate someone who would ever raise their voice to me, after 30 yrs. I'd had enough of that. And I did find exactly what I was looking for. Does he get upset and frustrated, yes. But I am not his personal dumping ground for that. At 22, you may not have had enough past experiences of the bad to have on your list of what to avoid but thats what dating is about. How much longer are you willing to invest in giving this guy time to get to know you well enough to decide if he would rather not live a life without you in it as his closest best friend and lover and life partner or wife. With schooling and the occasional get togethers, it may not be enough time for him to be able to decide yet. If you're done with school, then ask him what he needs yet to be sure about you as a girlfriend and possibly more. He's obviously not hooked yet where he feels incomplete if he doesnt get to see you if 3 weeks have gone by and he isn't trying to see you a couple times a week. To be honest, a man does like the intense amount of attention placed on him, aka smothering if its the right girl or he is at least sure that this girl is the one he wants. In the right scenerio, a man will eat up all that smothering and not consider it smothering and do the same in turn for you. So have some real in depth convo's. However, you need to be able to draw a line, set a time table, and set ultimatums and be able to keep to them even if it initially breaks your heart to do so. You are only wasting your time if you have no plan and no idea of what you want and going after it.
Surprisingly my list of demands given right at the start was not a turn off to guys, it was more like an aphrodisiac, and the guys were even more turned on by me. I read later that when a female knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it, that comes across as self confidence which in scientific studies has been found to make even the average looking female more attractive than the one with looks and no self confidence. Keep that in mind. If this guy isn't ready to really get to know you with the goal of making you his girlfriend and more dating to be sure he wants to spend a long future with you, then if you wait until he hits his mid thirties and may finally be ready for commitment marriage and kids, its up to you if you want to take that chance and wait a dozen years for a guy to maybe decide he is ready. Some remain bachelors their whole life cus they just arent cut out to be a boyfriend or husband. How long are you willing to invest? At this point, I'd say that definately more time needs to be invested to determine if both of you are in agreement to make some kind of commitment. Like I said, 6 mos tops and he could really know for sure if you see each other a couple times a week or every other day like my 2nd husband and I did so that by time a month went by, I was already moving in with him. Good luck
If your the breadwinner of a relationship of 4years and the other mate leaves to stay somewhere else because they stressed about not having a job or being able to do more and not tell you where they staying, and they haven't had a stable job in 4years, Do you stay with them or leave?
For most people these days, it takes two paychecks to make ends meet. Sometimes one or the other doesnt have work, and often not for lack of trying. When that happens, if two people are truly in love and best of friends, the person one is supposed to be most likely to turn to when things get tough or rough is their mate. Some who lose a job, or lose a child or other loved one, instead of finding solace in their partners arms, find their situation tears them apart. It is not the situations fault. If for 4 yrs you were able to somewhat make ends meet, then his/her dissapointment should have turned them to seek out love and understanding from you, seek encouragement and promises that what is most important is that you both are together and love each other and love will see you thru the hardest parts of life. I know it may sound idealistic but its the way it used to be for our grandparents and greatgrand parents time, and it is how things are for my hubby and I. He was working, broke a leg and he lost his job cus of course he couldn't do it and we lost our apt cus we had no more money coming in. I found part time work and as of yet, now that he's healed, he still hasn't found work. We still live in our van and I use internet in librarys and fast food places to write and give advice on here. We may not have much and we certainly hope to be able to work our way up to having our own place again, but what keeps us from going crazy or getting depressed or totally giving up is the one thing no one can take away, its having each others company and love. That is what is keeping us stable. For your partner to run off and not contact you means they are having a lot of distorted thinking going on for them to take such an action. I wonder how strong their love is for you and the only way might be for them to get some counseling to get back to a place of stronger mental health so they are able to face the storms of life that come along. Yes, 4 yrs is a long time to not have a stable job, but you didnt say you were complaining about that. Your only complaint I read in the message is that they left without telling you where they were going and not tell you where they are. If there is no communication back and forth, frankly I dont see how you can have an ongoing relationship with someone who has literally locked you out of their life. Maybe this person is depressed and needs medical intervention before they can make a solid decision whether they want to continue to try a relationship with you...but as same time they have to be willing to seek out that help and realize they need it in the first place and you cant do that for them. If you aren't together, then you don't have to decide to stay or leave cus they already left you. Its a matter of how long you are willing to wait to see if they come to their senses before you give up and move on to finding someone else.
I need a list of jobs that don't require working around a lot of people.
Security guard ( night job, little to no interaction with humans)
Janitor (same as security guard)
Landscaper or yard work( only have 1 human, home owner to deal with)
Mortician (other than the bereaved, you only deal with corpses)
Zoologist (this job entails dealing with just animals)
Vetrinary(you deal with peoples pets mostly but there is some needed interaction with pet owners)
Author(you write at home. Other than book signings, only need to interact with your agent and publisher)
Night time parking lot cleaner or (YOu drive a cleaning vehicle for this and the next listing, no humans or coworkers)
Daytime street cleaner (same as parking lot cleaner)
Fedex or UPS (only people you have to interact with briefly is those who need to sign for the delivery)
Basically, there are lots more driving jobs where you do not interact with any coworkers.
Food delivery trucks or other semi driver jobs, garbage pick up, pickup and delivery of porta potties...etc.
You seem determined to remain anxious rather than be healed. So your choices in rewarding careers will be limited. If you finally get sick and tired of being so anxious, there is a way to be cured. I used to have extreme social anxiety. Although I had to attend school, from kindergarten on, I was very scared of people and having to talk to them. It wasn't until my last yeaer of HS I was finally sick of how it affected my life and followed certain exercises that healed me. I recently found the same program for healing of my particular anxiety listed in a book by Psychologist and author David D. Burns. He used to just hand out medications first. Now he teaches people that there are a couple other methods, non medicinal that are far more effective and pretty quick to get healed too. But in order for it to work, you have to be desperate enough to be healed that you are willing to face your fears. ANd that is a hard one. You'll know when its time for you. And when the time comes, Look for the book "When anxiety Attacks" or check out David's website: https://feelinggood.com/
He uses a method called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and it certainly worked for me.
I'm very torn. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 years. I have 3 children from a previous relationship. I thought I was done with kids. He knew this. I got pregnant accidentally, anyway.
I'd like to abort it but it would break his heart. He would love to have a child of his own. He's been so excited about it even though I've been going back and forth.
We can financially support a child and everything but it would make things a little bit of a struggle for a time. I'm 38 years old, my youngest is 9 years old and I don't know if I want to do it all over again. I want to travel and focus on things in my life and focus on my current children. But is it unfair of me to think only of myself? Will I resent him if I have this child, for him?? I also think I may lose him if I do have an abortion though he's said he would support me either way, I know it would crush him.
You say you got pregnant accidently. I dont know if there was any birth control being used, but even just the fact that you communicated in what ever way to him that you did not want any more kids, and he was still wanting to be with you says something. I may be off here but just based on what you've written and what I read into it, I am guessing that if he's late 30s like you or 40, that at this point, he wasn't really thinking about fathering kids and was willing to have a relationship with a ready made family. I don't know of many who have kids at this point in age unless they were so into climbing the corporate ladder that kids didnt fit into the picture earlier.
I don't know about any previous relationships of his if any and the circumstances, but if he made it to 38-40 without having a kid, I am guessing it wasn't all that high on his list. Heres my reasoning from a true life story.
I know someone who wasn't 30 yet, she remarried and had a child of her own and due to complications after, decided it was best if she never had another. The 2nd husband knew this going in but after some time, he decided it was very important to him to father at least one child of his own and she wasn't going to budge on her stance and I understand that and sided with her that it was important that she not have another kid for her handful of reasons all valid.
So they were at a stalemate, he couldn't have kids with her, so he divorced her in order to find someone to love with whom he could have kids.
For that man, the desire to have his own biological kid was so strong that it sealed his decision to divorce. You have the right over your body. Not trying to be crude but think of it this way, you own a factory, a baby factory. It's all yours. You decide when you will be going in to production, and the quality of the materials needed to manufacture babies. The material would be the sperm donated. Long long ago before birth control, before supermarkets and clothing stores and diaper service, when it was much harder to raise one child and clean diapers when wash machines didn't exist yet, some women would decide for other valid reason why not to have a child and would seek out the herbalist for something to take so she doesnt get pregnant. Back then a tea from wild carrot would do the trick but she had to drink it every time she had sex, at least the morning after. There were also herbs that were abortives and riskier to take. So your dilemna is nothing new. Women have been doing this for ages because of not enough resources, and not having enough time for raising another when there are other plans and plain old not enough time. Today we have conveniences but also a whole set of different issues. IT takes two parents working to make ends meet these days. If something were to happen to one, the surviving members would be in a very bad spot financially. With 3 kids and the costs for everything they will yet need, etc. There are many valid reasons to decide not to have a child. Think of the quality of life for the child if it has to go into daycare so you can work, the resentment of older kids that you have to focus on a baby when they are now going thru the most angst ridden years for any person, the older child thru HS years. They will need you to be able to be there for them, establishing that good connection so they will free and able to talk to you about any subject. This can't happen when a new baby is taking up your time so the kids lose out, just so a man who wasn't planning on ever having kids, decided on impulse that he wanted this last one.
Like the people I know, perhaps he would leave you if you had the abortion. You need to do whats best for the already existing children to have the quality of life they need. It might sound selfish to others who don't look totally at the whole picture but you will have to ignore any who say hurtful things as most would do the same if stuck in your shoes.
You are correct in wondering if you would resent him. Maybe not at first but resentment has a way of creeping up in marriages where one or the other had to give something up to keep the other. The resentment is enough to kill the relationship. This happens often enough with couples who marry who are best of friends but theres no sexual compatibility and so one or both begin to resent the other in that area and have affairs to get their needs met, or they end up divorcing. And child who isn't planned but born anyways to a family, may pick up on the non tangible things, its one thing if it doesnt get everything it wants, but if it senses the vibes of frustration or resentment from you that you can not do the things you planned in life because you have to be taking care of him/her, a child will feel it and hurt inside and could experience feelings of rejection or low self image, etc... and have other issues/problems. Its best to not even go there and hope nothing like this happens. Make the decision that you are most comfortable with. He knew you were done with kids. Just becuase of an accident he is all of a sudden excited is no reason to change your plans. He was okay with it before, so if he cant be okay with it now that you want an abortion, then perhaps he may have loved you but was never really 'in love' with you or keeping you happy would be higher on his list.
I'm 21 and 4ft 10. My ideal weight according to my general care doctor is between 90 and 115 pounds. For a long while, I was right around 75-78 pounds, but I took the advice of my doctor to gain weight and right now I'm 84 pounds. I'm really not happy with this weight gain though because I feel like it's made a noticeable difference in my body that I don't like.
For example, I used to be able to see my ribs and I was okay with not being able to see them so much, but now I can't see very much of them at all. I also feel like I have a little bit of a pouch now on my stomach instead of it being flat like it was.
I also have B-cups which looked really good with my former weight because I was all proportional, but now I feel like they look smaller, since I've filled out around my stomach and hips more.
Anyways, I want to lose the weight I've gained now, and those close to me are concerned that I have something wrong with me, but I just don't like how I look right now and I never had any health complications when I was 75 pounds so what's the hurt?
I really don't like my current weight at all, every time I change clothes I feel like I look different and I can't stand the little bit of a pouch that I have now. It makes me paranoid all day long.
Is it wrong that I want to be underweight if it wasn't causing any health concerns?
Weight sits differently on different people. If it was only about the amount of weight you weigh, Drs and curent health standards are very generous when they list the normal levels of poundage for adults of certain ages. When I was your age, I weighed 110 which would put me at normal for todays weight chart. However, I am almost 5 inches taller than you. The only times I gained weight was when pregnant. I did not have a body image problem and worry about if ribs were showing...they did but I was healthy. I never dieted. I just was a fine boned, active person with a very high metabolism, so no matter how much I ate, I didn't gain and the more I excercised, I actually lost weight and got scared when I ended up at 95 or lower...so I regulated how much exercise I did. Your worry about the little pooch of stomach, and whether ribs show may be a sign that you have a wrong idea of what is normal for body image and that could cause you problems your whole life if you don't talk to someone now. Your weight sounds just right to me for your size height wise. There are always exceptions to the general rules even in weight. I know how skinny I was for my height when I did too much exercising combined with high metabolism. There aren't many people like that anymore in the US. Most people are a bit over their recommended weight or very over weight. But if 95 was really not enough for me at a taller height than you, I would guess it to be a good maximum weight for you. With todays concern over anorexia and bulimia, many people have concern if someone looks a bit skinny to them. My daughters even had friends asking if their Mom was anorexic. I got that a lot. I am older now, less active and my metabolism has slowed down some so I have more weight. You may be underweight according to todays weight charts which are different from when I was your age.
But If I were you, I'd be more concerned with whether it is causing health problems or whether you may have some unhealthy body image issues. Everyone was always concerned about my weight too. But my family who knew me best, realized I was healthier than all of them, 5 family members. So they learned to not be concerned about my weight.
I will say that since you can maintain B size cups at your weight before or now, tells me that it is very likely that this weight is normal for you. This is something you will have to decide for yourself, the weight that your body functions best at for you. Don't worry about how it looks though. If looks are too much a concern, only then do I recommend seeing a counselor who can help you with body image. That is one of the greatest lies all of us have been fed and we are all so brainwashed to have personal images of what is pretty and what is not. As Razhie mentioned, all photos are photoshopped and in film, if an actress looks too chunky or bad in some way, they reshoot and change the angles of shot, or colors worn, etc until they get the look they want. No one looks as perfect as the fake images of beauty we have been made to believe in and strive for. These images are impossible for all people to meet because we are all different and yet made to think we must force ourselves into some cookie cutter shape so we can all look alike. For example, Its impossible for a taller, big boned woman with a slow metabolism to ever look like you, even if by chance she chose to become anorexic by practicing certain habits. Some things like her bone size, height and metabolism are things that can't be changed. Just pay close attention to your health sweetie and I would try to stick with the weight gain you're at cus its only 5, to 6 lbs more than your usual weight and shouldn't be making you have problems. If you gain another 5 to 10, yes, it may make you feel bad, lethargic and not be the best for your frame. In general, I take into consideration what Drs. say and would recommend the same to others. But I am also into natural health and know things about my own body that a Dr. in an office wouldn't know. They can only make general observations and not know what is really normal for me or not. Perhaps you did not feed DR enough info on whats going on with you? If I only answered just what the Dr. asked, they would never have known how to treat me for my last several Dr. visits for various complaints. Anticipate what info they may need to know but not realize is pertinant. This will help lots in your life.
In ending, in case I sensed you wrong, and you are anorexic, you do need to see a Dr. Otherwise, only get counseling if you are too hung up on what your body looks like.
your job gave you two free VIP tickets to a Alan Jackson country concert but you aren't into the music, they do know the ticket numbers they gave out to each worker, would you just go or sell the tickets to someone who likes that type of music? the VIP tickets are worth 375 each.....how much would you sell em for?
I worked for a company that did the same for the local baseball team. They had already paid for a section of special seating for the entire season. So certain amounts of employees at a time would get a ticket to go. Not all of us were baseball fans. Or there was a time when I couldnt go on that date and they wouldnt switch me to a ticket for another night. So I just asked the company officials if I couldn't attend, was it okay to give my ticket to friends who were fans instead. As I recall, they didn't really care what happened with the tickets after they gave them to me. ON the few occasions I went, there were empty seats in the VIP section reserved for my company. And of course, I saw people there who were not employees.
I would suggest you just ask what happens if something comes up or you are sick and can't go, are they okay with you giving the tickets to a friend? If they say its okay to pass the tickets on, then either pass them on or try to get money for them. As to what to charge, I wouldn't know. Thats up to you. ANd you could have peace of mind knowing that company higher ups at the concert won't come looking for you to find out why some stranger was in your seat.
I file this under Activism, for wont of a better category.
I need to discuss seriously, something that I have written about at some length and detail. I have published to the web at: http://www.FoolQuest.com Where can I discuss this? This is something new that defies any categories I am aware of. How can I find others interested?
This what I need to do, not anything else over general, people pleasing, purpose defeating or otherwise irrelevant. And that definitely includes search engine voodoo etc.. Such suggestions are not helpful but frustrating.
Perhaps you need to find other places on the web where great amounts of people go. Facebook accepts advertising. I get ads that cater to my interests based on the kinds of posts I make, the things I like and pass on, and the links I follow to view other ads. If not facebook, perhaps there is another venue that works much the same. I wouldn't know as I only use facebook. Sorry this is the only idea I had. Good luck.
I have smallest breast
Due to both males and females concerned about their body size including breast/chest and genitals, I have no idea if you are male or female.
We've heard from both males afraid to be seen shirtless thinking they don't look normal or developed enough and females who are comparing their size to sizes of other females.
Genetics plays the big role in what you inherit in your looks and theres nothing to change that. If a male, at 20, you may have plenty of filling out to do yet. I am now older but all the guys I know of were all thin, non muscled bodies at thier 20s. It isn't sometimes until into ones 30s that a male has finally reached the form they will have rest of life. This doesn't count in adding on fat from a poor diet and/or lack of enough exercise. Even my husband was pretty much hairless except for facial hair until into his thirties when his body began to add body hair, lots of it. He is now a very hairy man and the body hair grows out to lengths of 2 inch to 4 in different areas. What I am saying is that our bodies all do some fine tuning in growth and so there can be changes to looks.
If you are female, breast size is generally what is passed on genetically and may not come directly from what your mom looks like, but her mom or your dads mom or other female relative. Breasts will keep the same shape and form but the size can change over your life. If you gain weight, you'll do so in the breast too. If you lose weight, you will lose there. If you breast feed, you will gain in size. Only a few women keep a larger size after having children and breast feeding. In my case, I am usually a B, went to a C+ while breast feeding, went flat to less than A after 3rd child off breast milk and it was many years before I got back to B. NOw I am older and metabolism has slowed so I am holding on to more weight, not overweight according to Dr. but have enough extra padding on me to have C's again without breastfeeding. I can't say its the same for all women. But there is NO NORMAL size or shape when talking about breast or nipples. There are plenty of women with boyfriends or husbands, and those women are pretty much flat. So it doesn't mean a female can't attract a guy because of her breast size. So don't worry about it. If you are female, the only way to really have bigger breasts is getting the surgery which I don't recommend or finding the best push up padded bras to enhance the little you have. I used to work in a health insurance co. and I saw all the photo's of breast implants that went wrong, the scarring and mishapen looks of a chest that no Dr. could ever make look normal again. ANd thats all I have to say about chest size.
I am 29 my partner is 33, we been friends with benifits/dating for three years now. We both have one daughter each both are 5. We live in separate places see each other as much as possible. We are always sexuly busy when near each other. He's not one for doing for play even tho I enjoy it very much he just likes to go right at it. I need to orgasm with him he is starting to get faster at ed with this problem as am I. If I can just orgasm with him our relationship will start to get on track again. PLZ HELP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
I understand the need for some to have at least a sexual partner if they do not have a solid loving committed relationship with a long term or life long partner. I've been there, between marriages, having friends with benefits too. You mention the word dating but I would personally call it 'seeing each other 3 yrs', not dating 3 yrs as to me dating infers something of more substance to the relationship than just sex.
Frankly, I am wondering just how important this man is to you beyond the sex. ??? Perhaps you are hoping that this man could become your partner for life? You did mention the 2 kids and may be wondering how the two sides can blend to become a family. It is possible depending on the people. But you also said he's a friend with benefits. I guess I have never heard of sex partners in FWB's with really deep committment levels on both sides.
So both of you need to be on the same page if currently you call yourselves FWBs but one of you is hoping to go beyond that and wants the real comittment.
I know that in most cases, there are other issues that can affect sex and ability to enjoy it fully. In only one circumstance was it something that is outside of ones hands to control and patience is warranted to get thru it. Here's my story before I go on to other issues.
Sex can go stale for periods of time for even long term married couples. Both my 2nd husband and I have had times when not for lack of desire and want, one or the other found it hard to have orgasms. At one point, when he studied our astrology charts (something he is good at) when we were having this issue, it was clearly stated in there that sexual things were going to be off for many months. What i am trying to say with my story is that with a committed relationship like ours, that very committment and being in love is what made us determined to see it through to the end. We still made love and did whatever we can to keep that sexual connection going even if there weren't any orgasms, and in time, things got better. I can't know what is the issue between both of you.
There is no magic trick I can tell you so that both of you can enjoy sex all of a sudden with no issues. As I said, if not something outside of our ability to do something, there are things that can affect sex that you do have control over to change or fix or deal with.
Since our brain is our biggest sexual organ, many other things in both your lives can be effecting the ability to orgasm. The mind is affected by stress, by distorted thinking and much more that can all add up to creating a dampening effect on the brain so it can't get into it, as far as sexually speaking. So if it isn't something that has changed in what both of you are doing to meet each others needs and wants in sex, then resentment, irritation, and more can affect it. You need to be both willing to be an open book and share everything you can that you may not think related to sex and orgasms from your personal life to get to root of problem and fix that before the sex life can get back on track.
You can attempt to just talk between yourselves but most people need a 3rd person, someone outside, who has the counseling experience to help. I would advise seeking a sex counselor. This could very well bring to light the real issues, things you both didn't think might contribute to not having orgasms. And to be honest, sex without orgasms is sadly not fulfilling. Orgasms release stress reducers in our lifes and can relax and even get rid of headaches for me at times. It is a very important factor so this must be taken seriously. For FWB's, the commitment level that warrants a couple seeking help from a sex counselor just isn't there if all they want from each other is sex and they don't have the rest of the relationship. It is the being in love with each other, being each others Best friend and sex partner for life, that makes a couple more willing to seek outside help. I wish the kind of help you seek was a simple trick or two one could share here on advicenators but I believe you need more.
Here's one thing that has clued me in, the things you shared about liking play. Whether it is foreplay you like, or role play and he is not engaging in either, that already is enough issue for me, as a non licensed counselor to already know is a problem. It is not my place to teach why it is the problem but a professional counselor could explain and retrain in how sex works for females and for males, and clearly it sounds like he's okay and getting his needs met but you are not.
A committed couple has their heart and their investment in a relationship so this is the best solution, seeking counseling. It is too in depth to share on here and a professional can explain much better. A couple who are only sex partners, even if for a long time, have two options, seek a counselor or a new sex partner. Hope this helps.
I am upset with my grandmother.She is the head of our family. Everybody respects her. My mother always takes care of her and her daughter in bad conditions. But now my mother is ill but she is humiliated by her and her daughter because of my mother's illness. I can't say anything in front of her as she is elder to me, but I am not able to see my mother's sad face. I don't know what to do.I am not able to concentrate on my studies too. Please help me if possible.I just need the advice as I am confused what to do.
It sounds like you may be from a country other than the US where respect for Elders isn't only stressed but a mandatory rule that is drilled into you from day of birth. YOu've grown up with this.
I must assume that all of you are living together for this to be happening and you're under same roof for financial means so there is no way for Mom to escape the rudeness. If this Grandma doesn't live there, the only thing that can bed done is Mom standing up for herself and requesting that her Mom, your Grandma treat her with the same respect as she treats Grandma. And if at any point Grandma begins the verbal abuse or any treatment that is not respectful of her or anyone else in the home, then she will be asked to leave at once or Police will be called to remove her if she refuses. Grandma would be in the wrong to abuse her position of power in the family in such a way. Sometimes when people get older, they begin to lose their mind and forget the things they already knew when younger. She is an adult and as such cannot be forced to change and act better. But each human has a right to choose whether to submit to this kind of treatment or not. I should know because I stayed with my 1st husband who was verbally abusive for 30 years. In the end, it was a matter of whether I lived or died that made me wake up and decide that I would choose to remove myself from this situation. The way to do so was to leave him or ask him to leave. He wouldn't leave, so I left. This is all out of your hands...the decisions must be made by Mom.
All I can say is that Showing respect and treating elders with respect should never be more important than how the elders treat you in return. It should be equal. I don't know all your circumstances but the best place to start, especially if its affecting your studies is to talk to a school counselor and see what suggestions they have for you personally. Secondly, you could have a talk with Mom when Grandma isn't around to here and go over the respect issue and how the elderly have a responsibility to treat others good as well, perhaps even pass on their wisdom to the younger, but playing the cruel master is not one of them and clearly is wrong no matter what, no matter where in the world the people live, no matter what the customs they were taught growing up.
Grandma herself may need counseling if she's acting like this. I assume she did not act this way before Mom got ill. Illness is stressful not just on the one ill but those around the sick person. So Grandma may need a reminder from another adult other than you or Mom that there are right and wrong ways to release that stress and Grandma needs to be taught that message, preferably by another elder person and she can't argue whats coming from someone of her own age bracket or even older than her.
I know it also may not sit well to reach out to others for help in sharing a family issue, that privacy is considered more important. Yes, some matters that are small can be worked out in the family and not shared outside the family. But in this case, this is a big matter that can't be fixed by keeping quiet and not bringing it out in the open. If Mom won't listen to you and prefers to allow Grandma to continue abusing her, as well as her other daughter, then that is Moms choice. However, since it is affecting you in your studies, you have the right to deal with whatever is affecting you personally. So if you do go outside the family for help, it must be along the idea of not what is happening to Mom that must stop, but your problem is that the way Mom is being treated and not willing to deal with it, all of that stress is affecting your ability to concentrate on school and you are experiencing great personal stress from it. You are seeking advice for what can be done to help you. It is best to get that help from the people and professionals around you who understand your culture and know how to balance keeping the traditions along with also making sure situations don't go out of balance as it has in your situation. I wish you the best in settling this matter. So if you wish to reach out for help, check with a school counselor to get pointed in the right direction.
This is kind of multiple pet questions in one, but the first is the important one. I have done something that I feel guilty about doing to one of my pets and although part of me feels it was the right thing, another part doesn't know.
I used to have a golden retriever named Buddy. I had him for nearly fourteen years and he was probably the best dog I've ever had in my life. A while back, he quit walking because he stopped being able to use his back legs. I thought it was just arthritis and took him to the vet, thinking he'd just get some medicine and we'd go home. However, the vet examined him and told me that he had a spine injury and his back legs were paralyzed.
The vet gave me two options. I could choose surgery where they'd fix his spine, but he still wouldn't be able to walk. He'd have to use a dog wheelchair (one of those things with wheels that fits around the dogs waist and holds up their back ends). The second option was to put him to sleep. I was told that he wouldn't be happy in one of those wheelchairs and his quality of life wouldn't be very good. I was also told that the surgery would be very expensive. Too expensive for me to afford on my own and there was a good chance he wouldn't survive it. Even if he did, an average golden retriever lives about ten to twelve years. He'd already outlived his life expectancy, so he probably didn't have much time left and during what time he did, he'd probably be very unhappy. That was IF he even survived the surgery that I'd have to borrow a lot of money from my family to pay for.
It was hard, but I decided to put Buddy down. I cried for months. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still cry ever time that darn Marley & Me movie comes on TV. I miss him. And although I felt like I'd made the right decision at first, now I wonder. I feel like no matter what I did, it would've been wrong. I'd have either ended his life early to save me the expense of the surgery and him the unhappiness of not being able to walk any longer or I'd have kept him alive and miserable because I didn't want to be without him yet. Both decisions seem selfish.
He actually wasn't the first dog my family put to sleep. My parents put our doberman down when I was ten. That, however was a different situation. She was sixteen years old which was very old for a doberman. She was sick, had become very frail, and was going to die soon anyway. In fact, when my mom pulled up to the vet's office, she thought the dog was already dead. It definitely seems like putting that dog to sleep was the right move, but as for Buddy, I just don't know and fear I never will.
I was single when I put Buddy down, but now I'm married and my husband and I are about to buy a golden retriever puppy that we want to name Mose. I already have a yorkie, but Mose will spend more time in the backyard that the yorkie will. We know that golden retrievers don't like being alone for long so my husband wants to get another large dog to keep Mose company in the backyard when we're not home. We don't know what to get. We could buy one of Mose's brothers or sisters, but they're pretty expensive and I kind of want something different anyway. Breeds that are available to us that we are considering are a dalmatian, chocolate or yellow lab, siberian husky, or a beautiful golden retriever/irish setter mix (I know that's not exactly very different form a golden retriever but they're so pretty). I'm excited, but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve Mose or the other new dog after what I did to Buddy. Mose will be the first New dog I've gotten since Buddy died and I feel like I don't deserve another dog.
So to sum it up, did I do the right thing by putting Buddy down and if not, will I ever stop feeling guilty for it? Also, if you don't mind, I'd like some insight on whether or not it's logical to feel undeserving of a new dog and if we do get another large dog for Mose, do you have any opinions on what kind we should get? By the way, sorry for the length of this question. I didn't mean for it to be this long.
When faced with surgery or anything needing to put an older pet under anaesthetic, Dr.s are very un-willing because according to their experiences, a high percentage of older animals never come back out of sleep and die. I was faced with this decision several times in my life, each was different circumstances as to why anaesthetics were needed and the other option was putting the pet to sleep for good. While I have had many pets of all different kinds, the one that was hardest and I cried most over as a 40 yr old at the time, was the putting to sleep a guinea pig, the one pet I had bonded the closest with and we had a dog, several cats, hamsters and gerbils, and bunnies over the years. We were sad or cried when the other pets died of old age, but I think a combo of the closer bond combinded with the circumstances under which a pet must be put under is what makes it hard to get over. Even with loved ones who've died and passed on, for some time after, I always had thoughts that maybe I hadn't done enough to help Mom who died of cancer and Dad later from complications to strokes. I think it is natural to question oneself and feel guilty.
So now you question how good a parent you'll be to new dogs. Remember, its a new dog, they may never need surgerys, being put to sleep and just die of old age.
Since animals can't always understand things the way a human can, my guess is, since it was a settled deal with Dr. that the dog would never regain use of its legs, if it was a younger dog, I am for getting it the wheelchair. For an older dog used to a certain type of life, how can one explain that it must now use a wheelchair. Since a dog cant communicate in speech to tell you if it likes something or not, there was no way to know ahead if your dog at an older age would have even liked this change in life. Or if the dog would have acclimated to it eventually. We had a dog who began to claw and bite himself and try to aqueeze in tight spots in the house while we were away, like separation anxiety and tried all medications with the vet first. I tend to feel the dog who was fine for 14, 15 years just developed some doggy sort of mental illness as it aged, it would stare at something and shake in fear when for years it didnt, and there were no changes, other than my kids growing up and none of us were gone long. I was home before kids were out of school and then the one in HS was home before me. One medication had the dog so drugged it couldn't walk and stumbled around looking like it was totally drunk. It wasn't fair to make the dog suffer thru its fear and mental illness or to leave it so drugged it couldn't move on its own to go out to the bathroom or for anything, so we put him to sleep. I wish people had the same option to choose to die by being put to sleep if we get a really debilitating accident or a terminal disease that totally changes our quality of life and the hardships on ourselfs and others. I don't think you made the decision lightly. You didn't want to see your dog suffer. You can't know if after an expensive surgery, getting the contraption for your dog and training him to use it to get around that your dog would have been happy if it limited his chasing squirrels or other favorite activities. The dog after 14 years, may not have liked his life and just moped around. And keeping him around would've been just for your benefit, not for his best. In the end, you may have had to put him down simply to end an unhappy existance for him. Animals are like people there, some have personalities where they can learn to adjust and others don't. Then there are those of us who can't afford the money in no way shape or form to try surgery and such first. In this case, your only choice is to continue to let him live in pain, or put him to sleep. Putting him to sleep was the humane thing to do.
In school I hung out with this girl, we were best friends. She really likes Marvel and all that superhero stuff, and I know nearly nothing about it. She was talking to this other girl in my class and they found out that they both love Marvel. My friend stopped talking to me and spent all her time with the other girl. I'll try to talk to her but she either flat out ignores me, or tells me to shut up. It really hurts, and I have no idea what to do. I do have other friends, but she was my best friend, and I really miss her.
As we grow older, we form new hobbies and grow and mature and branch out into new friendships and new activities. So what your friend is doing is normal and not a slight against you. The best of best friends are the ones who have the most in common with you. If you both had nothing in common, then its easy to understand why she'd feel more drawn to someone who shares an interst in Marvel superhero's. At any point in time, any new best friend could change and find someone they prefer to spend more time with simply cus they've changed. However it is rude to tell you to shut up. Perhaps you are insisting and trying too hard to pester her for attention so she is just exasperated and sometimes people without much patience will lash out meanly at others. I will suggest that you stop trying to get her to spend time with you and invest time in others and finding new friends who have more in common with you right now. I know it sucks but this is a part of life and everyone has free will to choose and sometimes they may choose to not want to be friends with you. By the way, its' possible to have more than one BEST friend because I call them a little different label, closest friends. They are still better or best people for me to have as a friend who understand me best and we have the most in common, and everyone else is someone I may socialize with at times but I am aware of the things I do not like about them or they don't like about me, which in small amounts is easy to take and handle but if hanging out too often, we'd drive each other nuts and one might lose their temper. Its time to learn where the people you know fall into what catagory, a close friend or a social aquaintance friend. Your best friend may have decided to drop down to just being a social friend which means you both won't see each other as often as before and thats okay. If you are okay with it, then leave it to her to warm back up to you if she ever does and then enjoy those few times together if they do happen.
I am 14 yrs old and my parents are pretty strict about me dating and have said that i cannot date till i am a sophomore(even though my older brother dated a girl in eighth grade). I am in eighth grade and we have a semiformal and a boy asked me and i said yes and now I don't know how to tell my parents and I am scared to even tell them. How should i tell them and what do i do if they say no?
I have 3 daughters, and like adviceman was talking about, this is two different kinds of dates. While my daughters weren't allowed to date in middle school officially, they were allowed to attend school dances which are chaperoned. This is different from a boy and girl going off on a date all by themselves to dinner, a movie or someplace else. For one thing, at that age, you don't drive yet so it limits the kind of dating you can do. Now if dating someone means nothing more than simply hanging out with this guy at school, that is fine, that is not real dating, that is a preferance to whom you spend time with as friends. You have female friends who are just school friends whom you dont see outside of school and others that you do hang out with outside of school.
The biggest issue for all parents of female children is the worry of a daughter getting pregnant or being abused by a boyfriend. Physical abuse is very high right now among teens and so it is best if even while in HS, you communicate with the parents about your life and issues like dating and guys. If they are hard to talk to or dont have the time, not openminded, then find an adult who knows you whom you c an talk freely too like an aunt, a grandma, even a friends mom whom you may feel close to.
I vote for talking to the parents. If their immediate reaction to you attending the dance is a no, ask them what the reason is for not allowing you to go. Ask if you can appeal their decision by providing more info that may help them change their view. If you know who will be surpervising at the dance, you could give them the names of those teachers and parents and ask if they would feel better talking to some of those people beforehand asking them to keep an eye on you at the dance. Good Luck.
Im 15 and I want to get pregnant but..im scared...about how my parents would react if I got pregnant so early...I really wanna have a baby..I just think there so cute...id love to have one of my own...tho..:(
I agree with all adviceman said.
If you decided to have a baby now, it will mess up your life and it will be limited too.
As a teen, I found that one of my natural characteristics which I still have, is being nurturing. A nurturing person is happiest doing something that requires that nurturing nature like working in chidcare (I did lots of babysitting as a teen) and nurturing of plants, working in a garden (it started with Botany in HS and growing plants in the parents yard and later caring for my own gardens of my house.) Another way to nurture is raising a child but it isn't easy and will try the patience of any person at times plus we all need as much personal wisdom learned to be able to pass on to kids.
At your age, your body may be mature and able to have kids, but all teens have brains that are not yet done growing to full maturity being able to handle all sorts of adult responsibilities including being a parent. This prefrontal cortex part of brain isn't done growing according to tests by scientists until somewhere around the mid 20's. So for you, thats about another 10 years before you can rely on just yourself, without input from others to make good decisions for your self.
So for where your brain is at currently, you are limited to only thinking things half way thru. Hey, not coming down on you dear, I remember being the same as a teen. But I did ask the parents alot for advice, use them as sounding boards to pass along any ideas of mine to see how solid they really were and if I overlooked any crucial stuff.
So for right now, I'd advice you to begin doing babysitting and once old enough to work, see about helping out at a daycare after school and get your fill of babies and young children that way until you are old enough, mature enough and have the financial means to raise your own.
Okay im 17 years old and theres this guy. We arent together but we have had sex multiple times . We have always used comdoms because i always like to me safe . So one day he txted me saying he wanted to cum in me ?? .it took me by suprise. This is because we dont date and we really dont talk rather than having sex . I told him i was not on birth control but he said soo ... i followed up by saying im not trying to get pregnant. And said that me or him isnt ready for a child . Then i asked what if i het pregnant. He said that he would take kare of it. .. now im scared to have sex with him wat should i do ? . Ps he is sooooo handsome and have very pretty blue eyes
Handsomeness and pretty blue eyes will not take care of any of your needs or expenses if you did become pregnant which is only a matter of time if all you are is sex partners. It also doesnt take care of baby.
If you want to continue to have sex regularly, then at your age, it falls upon you to get yourself on birth control. A guy using a condom still isn't the best prevention, as accidents can still happen that way. Now if its people who are older, have had kids already in a previous relationship/marriage and don't want anymore, it is perfectly reasonable for the women to expect the guy who doesnt want any more kids to go get snipped, get a vasectomy so he cant get girls pregnant. The only other issue is whether both persons are disease free and both should get checked once if exclusive or more often if you have different partners at times.
You can check for health clinics in your area that do STD screenings, or get that from your Dr. or Gyn Doc. As for birthcontrol, Planned parenthood can help. If you get side effects from hormone based contraceptives, or are afraid to take hormonal ones, then my advice is to ask your Dr. about getting the IUD, intra uterine device, the copper one, called Paragard that is more effective than condom, no side effects, must be inserted by a Dr. and once in is good for 7-10 yrs or so and once taken back out, one can try for kids immediately. Because your guy is likely to still possibly want kids some day with whomever he eventually marries or sets up house with, he is not going to want to get a vasectomy at his age and I doubt they give those out to younger people.
If you feel he may choose to force you without putting on condom, then don't agree to meet with him at all ever again. Its not all about him. Sex just for sex sake is okay, some of us really want that and its okay as long as one takes precaution to not get pregnant and not contract a disease and many are carriers of herpes like I discovered I was, without ever having an outbreak my entire life until recent years.
This question has two parts.
I am graduating from high school in two weeks, and they are having a baccalaureate/stoling ceremony next week.
01. What is a baccalaureate/stoling ceremony?
02. What do you wear to something like this? (We have to bring our cap & gown with us, but they haven't told us what to wear under this.)
I have not heard of the term Stoling Ceremony. But I do know that many churchs will take a Sunday or day near graduation to honor all graduating persons from high school and college.
To what degree a church goes to do so can vary from the simple calling up of the person to the front while wearing their gown, or not and presenting them with a little gift and a brand new bible. Thats what my church did but they didn't call it a Baccalaureate ceremony.
THe words you choose to explain says 'they are having' and the only 'they' mentioned in the sentence is your high school. So I am assuming that your high school officials and electeda class representatives are planning this event and calling it such. So its better to ask them what this ceremony entails. Most likly its a form of honoring the graduates in a party form where you are required to wear your gown for a period of time. Depending on how fancy the party is, there may be requirement to wear dresses and suits beneath or maybe just jeans and tees/casual is fine.
Right after graduation for one of my daughters, the school hosted an all night supervised party with no alcohol and kids could board buses at the graduation hall right after the graduation ceremony to go attend the party but parents had to pick their kid up after the party at a designated place on the school grounds. It is good she asked about the ceremony/party because at first we assumed it was only for a couple hours of the evening, not the whole night. So ask and get the details.
I didn't really make that many friends in high school I mostly made acquaintances and friends that are only my friends because I saw them 5 days a week. No one texts my phone unless they need something and only two of my friends text me for an actual convo and try to attempt to hangout with me outside of school the other people don't. I try to text people first but they either read it or don't reply or stop replying in the middle of it. Anyways high school is over for me in less than 4 weeks and I couldn't be any more happier but now in September I will be going to university so you can already tell how big the school and my classes will be. Anyways I'm going to a commuting university so only the people who don't live close by live on residence and I feel like those who live on residence make friends easier than those who commute based on the stories I've heard from people who graduated from my school last year. This one guy went to a uni 4 hours away from where I live and made friends under a week of being there. This girl went to the uni I'm going to and it took her 3 months to at least make one new friend because since its commuting school people are just going to go to class and leave. Another girl went to a school that's just in downtown Toronto which is a commuting university for where we live and again it took her a couple months to make new friends, a girl who moved to a uni that's literally 30 mins away (idk why she wasted money to live on residence) made a bunch of new friends. I know it depends on the person too but I just noticed those who live on residence make friends easier cause you kind of have to socialize with your roommates and floor mates and then those roommates have friends etc. So my question is how can I make friends at a commuting university? And if you formed a romantic relationship as well in university/college did you meet the person in a class or school club or party? (I'm asking this because my parents really want me to get in a relationship because I didn't have one in high school at all)
Saw your comments to my answer. This is the only way currently that further messages can be shared back to you, using where my previous answer was, erasing it and using update option to do so.
As I see it and I am sure many Psychologists, life coachs or others would agree, that low self esteem/low self confidence is the biggest detriment to making friends. I was once there and with big social anxiety and shyness too as a kid. Looking back, the only friends I had in school were the ones who sought me out first, not me meeting others first, so I only had a few friends but they were good friends. Last year of HS I was sick and tired of being that way and willing to do anything to become more self confident. Confidence and self esteem went hand in hand for me. So other than focusing and treating the 'fear of people and talking to people' I still needed to gain self confidence after. If you get this and have a fear of walking up to people you don't know and starting conversation, let me know and I can share what to do to break that issue. If it's more about not feeling good enough as a person that someone else would be interested in you, comparing yourself to others, then its more a lack of self confidence and I have a remedy for that too. Both work extremely quickly. You go at a pace you're comfortable with, so if you really apply yourself daily, then it could be a month or two before those issues are things of the past for you and you can easily meet people, make friends and keep them.
People do not tend to have interest in interacting with a person who is shy and lacks self confidence, because frankly it most times is boring, irritating and such. Heck, even I now tend to not choose to talk to people with the purpose to befriend them, if they are anything like I used to be. However, I am very willing to help people get beyond whatever is holding them back. So if interested, let me know and mention again you are the one going to Uni, wanting to make friends so I know who you are.
I don't even know where to start with this. My grandmother died about seven and a half years ago and it was really hard on my mom. The two of them were extremely close. They saw each other and/other talked on the phone everyday and my mom is convinced that my grandmother's death was her fault. She died from complications of cancer. It was out of anyone's control, but my mom keeps coming up with ways that it's her fault and won't listen to anyone tell her it's not.
She has battled depression since then and because of that depression, she's developed kleptomania. What's disturbing Is that pretty much everything she's been caught stealing is something she would never want, but rather, something she obviously planned to.give to me or my sister. We're the people she steals for.
She's been arrested twice and hard charges pressed against her both times. She hasn't gone to jail YET, however I'm afraid that the next time she's arrested, she will. It breaks my heart that she's risking doing that to herself and that she's creating all kinds of other problems.
We live in a small town and people here know she steals. When she goes in certain stores, the employs are either jerks to her or they watch her like a hawk. They won't let her hold or try on anything and they always try to get her out of the store as soon as possible.
People don't like or trust me either. I go into stores and I too get watched like a hawk. I couldn't get a job at a clothing store in college and I wonder if it was because the owners were afraid I'd steal from them. It's not fair because I'd never do such a thing, but I get judged for being the daughter of a thief. What's strange is that the reason I wouldn't steal is because I was raided against it. My parents taught me that stealing was wrong because it was against the Bible, against the law, and it hurts other people. Once my mom THOUGHT that I had stolen a CD storage case in middle school (I hadn't) and almost had a conniption fit. I was raised to know that stealing is wrong, but people still don't trust me because I was raised by a thief. I was in college when my mom developed her problem.
It hurts me as well to hear the things people say about her. They call her scum, garbage, low life trash, and other such things. They say they hate her, they hope she gets arrested and that they get to be on the jury, and things info that nature as well. It's hard because these people aren't the people she's stealing from. If they were, I'd be more patient, but they're being so judgmental. My mom is not scrum, trash, or a low life. She's a good person with a good heart who just had a bad problem. She's the best mother my sister and I could've hoped for. When I tell people my last name, they as if I'm related to my mom and (unless it's someone who knows about her problem), they go on and on about how nice she is. They tell me stories of acts of kindness she'd done for them and tell me how we need more people like her in the world. She HATES when my dad watches Lizard Lick Towing because she hates seeing people upset, even when they kind of deserve it. She HATES going to the doctor because it makes her cry when she sees someone who is sick, injured, or disabled. She gives to charity and gives the credit for it to me and my sister. All certain people know about her is that she's stolen merchandise from stores and they judge her as being a piece of trash and gate her for it.
After the last time she was caught stealing, which was very recently, she received a huge fine and was ordered to get psychiatric help. I'm hopeful that she will change, but I feel like we have no choice, but to move soon. We need to get away from this small town were people judge and hate us. But what if my mom relapses and this happens again wherever we go. What am I gonna do? Is kleptomania ever cured? Has anyone here ever dealt with this before?
Your mother needs to want to seek help from a Dr. as asked. SHe also needs to be able to admit she has this problem and also want to change. I am no Dr. myself but I do know that sometimes the actions we take are based on our own distorted thoughts. Sometimes, distorted thinking is just a bad habit and sometimes it stems from a mental illness. If she hasnt sought a Dr. yet, I would suggest seeking one who deals with CBT and other non medicine treatments first to see if that helps. CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you live in a small town, there may not be such a Dr. available. So you may actually have to make the moving to a new town but research first to see which ones have Psychologists who do this type of treatment, leaving only medicine as a last choice which often is very few cases. For most, if the patient is very ready and willing to face whatever caused them to go down this path and improve and heal, their issues can be solved. I don't know what can start kleptomania but you did say that all these problems started when she lost her mom and the progression she went thru could easily have have some impact on whats going on today.
As for people assuming you might steal from them and not being able to get work yourself, you can't change their backwater style thinking. Its best to move also for your future in finding work. But unless Mom gets treatment, if a town is small enough, amd Mom goes without treatment or doesnt respond to treatment fast enough before reoffending with stealing, then word will get around and neither she nor you will be able to get a job. If Mom resists treatment and doesnt want it, the only thing you can do is move off somewhere else on your own. It really is her choice to want help or not. And no one, not even you can influence her in any way to see a Dr and embrace the treatments. Good luck dear!
today i got a detention for cheating on a test.this is the first time i got detention.my mom expects good grades from me and will be pissed the f off.what do i do!!!
And Mom has the right to be pissed off so let her do so. When the shock and disappointment wear off, she'll likely be more in a state of mind to discuss this calmly with you.
What really matters is whether you are sorry that you dissappointed Mom and did something you knew was wrong or whether you are only sorry for getting caught. We all do crazy things as kids, some dangerous and even deadly. What you did, I hope you know can be just a one time experience that you will learn by and never repeat.
It matters a lot if you can own up to your mistake and how you feel about it, with Mom. A promise to not do so again isn't going to be good enough now that trust is broken. So until you regain Mom's trust by following the rules perfectly without incident for as long as it takes her to trust that you really did learn from it and that behavior will never repeat, you are just going to have to put up with whatever boundaries Mom sets and accept them without complaint. It might help to admit that you realize Mom might not be able to trust you now but you hope that whatever goals she sets up for you that you can accomplish and pass, doing whatever it takes to regain her trust. That would be the mature thing to do. Good luck dear.
I'm turning 16 this summer and I want to have a pool party and a nice dinner. To have a nice dinner I want everyone to be dressed up but after the pool everyone is super ratchet and dirty. So how would I incorporate that into the pool party? Also, since the party will be dinner should I make it a sleepover or should I just send everyone home after dinner?
The advice may be different depending on whether you have to rent the local pool during non public swim hours, (our church did that for baptisms) or if you live somewhere hot where some people have a pool in the backyard, options are easier.
Since you didn't state which, I will try to cover both.
If rented elsewhere, I'd suggest everyone go out to dinner first dressed up and bring a bag for pool later with towel and bathings suits. As to where the bags go while at a restaurant, designate a couple cars for storing the pool bags in while dining. Then take time to let food settle before going swiming.
If having the party at a private home with pool, you could do the pool first if thats your first wish. Although it would be hard for those wanting to fully wash up or rinse out clorine to do so depending on if you have a lot of guests and only 1 or 2 bathrooms. You would have to get the permission of other parents okay with a group of boys or girls coming to their places, just the homes of invitees close enough for them to all have time to clean up and dress up for going to dinner.
If you really want to do all without the hassle of the fuss and don't care what day its actually held, you might consider spreading this out over two days. That way, some who can't make one day may be able to attend the other event. Choose two days back to back, one for the pool party and the other for dining with even dancing and music afterward. Of course, a lot is up to whether the parents and other parents are able to help out with any of these details.