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Am I wasting my time? So confused ðŸ˜
Well I'm 22, I met this lovely guy last year summer around July and we clicked on straight away it was an instant spark! Our first 3 dates were so great feels like I've known him forever! However I went back to university in September and what not and obviously I only saw him whenever I got the chance , we have had sex twice now (because I'm scared to catch loads of feelings) however I know I've caught plenty of feelings for this guy, he's said he's liked me but he's only said it once Iv brought it up, like when we're together we treat eachother like we're a couple but we're not! I know it's not all about a title but i really do wanna be his girlfriend and he knows this cause I brought it up , he said that he says we shouldn't rush it that I just got back from university again and we've started seeing eachother again however it's been almost a year next month since we met and I have caught feelings. The last times I've seen him we've had one date and I've been to his house ... He said his mum knows about me, and I've met his dad (so so weird on the second date) he said he would wanna have something with me but I feel like time is dragging and I'm catching more feelings! I don't wanna bring this up with him anymore cause Iv said it twice and I don't wanna push him away, Iv been back almost 3 weeks now and I feel like we haven't had s proper date in ages, he does call me he prefers to do that than text me. I feel like I get mixed signals from him, don't know what to do. I'm scared to keep sleeping with him cause I know il fall more .. I don't know what he wants to be honest , he says he's interested in me, I do see that sometimes but I wish he showed more attention it really sucks! What do I doo😠I'm so into him and I'm so sweet but I don't wanna smother this guy I balance my attention with him but I feel if I don't speak as much he will think I'm not as into him! Help this is so frustrating !
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Perhaps he got burnt in past relationships so he wants to take things slow, meaning in guys talk, no commitment, just the benefits of a committed relationship. Then when push comes to shove and things don't go as he may like, its easier for him to just walk away.
Not all guys are like this but often it comes with the age range we're looking at if he's anywhere near your age. Guys in their 20s are not necessarily ready to settle down to just one relationship. If they make a commitment and something better comes along, it would mean having to dump the current lady in his life to move on to someone else catching his interest.
My opinion is that guys like this haven't given any thought to what they really want in a female so they can't recognize it and fall in love with it when they have it.
Being attracted to looks is important but if looking for someone more than a social partner or sex partner, then you need to really know for yourself what you are ready for and wanting so you also can recognize it when you see it.
It won't work if one sees the other as being the right one when the other doesn't and waiting for time to go by until they wake up and see that too isn't always going to happen. Sometimes maybe, but most the time, no. If after a year, his feelings for you haven't grown, then all he is, is a social companion and sex partner or sexual interest. Men can have sex without it tying in their emotions, but women when having sex, tend to develop feelings for the guy. Just because the sex is good, or even if it isn't, the fact one is having sex with someone doesn't mean that the person would make a good mate so here is where females have trouble seeing clearly or setting ultimatums based on their goals. We expect that just because a guy regularly is willing to hang out with us, that he has decided we are the one for him. Girls dream of getting married to their prince and having a family with him since we are little kids and so we tend to want to rush into that scenerio the moment one man is paying attention to us.
Maybe this will help: Ask yourself if you are currently looking for a man who is only ready to call you girlfriend but date you for decades without any mention of marriage. Or are you hoping to marry someday and have children. You better be sure any guy you spend time with is also looking for marriage to the right one, he want kids too, cus lots of gals have married without knowing how the guy feels about not ever having kids or hoping they can change his mind later.
The most immportant thing if you want to be happy in a relationship, is to find a guy who is exactly at the right place and is exaxtly the kind of guy you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. He needs to be that ideal that you have in mind at the time you meet or its a 50/50 chance or less of it ever happening if you're with a guy not ready to commit.
I think you may benefit from hearing my version of the stages of relationships.
Its starts with visual attraction. If one doest go to the next stage and start at least talking to see if there is still a genuine interest in learning more about the other, then you're only crushing, its not a relationship.
ONce you talk, if the talk keeps deadending and neither seems really interested in the other, it end right there. If you ejoyed talking, then say so and ask to hang out.
This is where stage 3, dating starts. Some call it hanging out together. ANY time spent with another person is an opportunity to get to know more about them. Its a discovery period only. And based on what you discover, you either begin to admire and fall for the person or you don't. In this period, if something bad is discovered that you won't tolerate, or even if not bad but not what you want in a guy, this is when you split up and start all over with someone new. If alls good and both have fallen for the other, then you now date as a committed couple...an old term for it is called "Going steady". From this point on, the couple works toward plans of being together for the rest of their lives or very long term and so they move in together as domestic partners and lovers, or marry and have kids.
You two are at the hanging out together stage after a year. By now its enough time to know wether you want to go further and make commitments or not. I would say if a couple can see each other several times a week consistantly, then in 6 months or sooner, they both can be sure if they want to become a committed couple or part and go their own ways.
Theres nothing wrong with having a person who is just your social companion to do stuff with, or a friend with benefits, but lots of females aren't happy with that and want more.
So the objective is to find out before the 1st date or during it, just where the other person stands. To me, a date to hang out shouldn't be something fun to do together like bike riding, the movies, bowling or roller skating. Talk, 75 to 80% of the times you are together is the most important thing to getting to know the person.
So would you rather find out right now if he's on the same page with you or if you need to part ways? I am not being harsh here dear. I have lived this in the time I got divorced and before meeting my 2nd husband. I met all sorts of idiots and liars, but also met lots of really nice guys and some so hot looking like male models from a magazine. YOu can do your version of these talks right away with him or try to live in somewhat blissful ignorance, never knowing if or when in the future your heart might be broken cus the guy dumps you. So get him talking. If he had no idea of what he wants, then you need to be the example and go first. But that means you need to have a list too of what you are looking for in a guy, and what you want. Heres an example of how I'd talk to a guy I just met and went out for coffee just to talk, like two business people discussing all the important details for a business merger...which is what you are in a sense looking to do, a merging of two lives together.
So I would start with: "I have some things to share with you so you can make an educated decision on whether you still want to date me and I will of course want to learn more things about you. You can ask me any question you like, Nothing is off topic if its important to you. I am an open book and would rather you know my spots and wrinkles up front so you can decide if you're scared or would rather just walk away. So heres what I am looking for. ( the basics were listed in a dating profile where I met these guys)
Basically I will go over and explain my stance more in detail. I have boundaries and one biggie is based on an ex who abused me verbally. I will not stay with any man who begins to exhibit the types of traits of and abusive, controlling person or one with an anger problem. I don't do the knee jerk reaction, I am patient and willing to work with someone.......
(once done explaining that I told them that I was looking for either a very long term or life long partner, either with marriage or without. I was looking for my spiritual equal and sexual equal. (Here is where you mention that having at least one child of your own is a desire you won't give up or settle for less. So you need to find out if he is currently searching for the girl to marry and whether he wants kids. Ask him to give example of under what circumstances he gets frustrated, angry or upset. We all do. Heck even Jesus did in one story of the Bible.
It's how we personally handle it, what outlet we use to relieve the stress and anger and whether we focus it on our partner or not. I would not tolerate someone who would ever raise their voice to me, after 30 yrs. I'd had enough of that. And I did find exactly what I was looking for. Does he get upset and frustrated, yes. But I am not his personal dumping ground for that. At 22, you may not have had enough past experiences of the bad to have on your list of what to avoid but thats what dating is about. How much longer are you willing to invest in giving this guy time to get to know you well enough to decide if he would rather not live a life without you in it as his closest best friend and lover and life partner or wife. With schooling and the occasional get togethers, it may not be enough time for him to be able to decide yet. If you're done with school, then ask him what he needs yet to be sure about you as a girlfriend and possibly more. He's obviously not hooked yet where he feels incomplete if he doesnt get to see you if 3 weeks have gone by and he isn't trying to see you a couple times a week. To be honest, a man does like the intense amount of attention placed on him, aka smothering if its the right girl or he is at least sure that this girl is the one he wants. In the right scenerio, a man will eat up all that smothering and not consider it smothering and do the same in turn for you. So have some real in depth convo's. However, you need to be able to draw a line, set a time table, and set ultimatums and be able to keep to them even if it initially breaks your heart to do so. You are only wasting your time if you have no plan and no idea of what you want and going after it.
Surprisingly my list of demands given right at the start was not a turn off to guys, it was more like an aphrodisiac, and the guys were even more turned on by me. I read later that when a female knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it, that comes across as self confidence which in scientific studies has been found to make even the average looking female more attractive than the one with looks and no self confidence. Keep that in mind. If this guy isn't ready to really get to know you with the goal of making you his girlfriend and more dating to be sure he wants to spend a long future with you, then if you wait until he hits his mid thirties and may finally be ready for commitment marriage and kids, its up to you if you want to take that chance and wait a dozen years for a guy to maybe decide he is ready. Some remain bachelors their whole life cus they just arent cut out to be a boyfriend or husband. How long are you willing to invest? At this point, I'd say that definately more time needs to be invested to determine if both of you are in agreement to make some kind of commitment. Like I said, 6 mos tops and he could really know for sure if you see each other a couple times a week or every other day like my 2nd husband and I did so that by time a month went by, I was already moving in with him. Good luck
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