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Great man, but not a great boyfriend?
My boyfriend and I have been together for around two years, living together for a year and a half. He's a great man, he's a hard worker. He's polite, handsome, very dedicated to family and so intelligent. Giving up his chair for the lady in room. Walking in to pay for gas for the elderly gentleman at the gas pump. He's so many of the things I always thought I wanted. In the beginning he seemed so interested in me, texting me all the time, telling me how beautiful I was, just making such effort. I feel like since we've moved in together it's as if were playing house. And it was fine for me, because I thought things were progressing. I can imagine my life with this man, so many qualities that I have always thought I wanted. Recently we've been talking about the future, and it's beginning to cause me quite a deal of anxiety.
I've been in my career for 5 years, my dream job. I own a home (before we met), and I'm ready to settle down. It took us a year and a half to have these conversations and I am saddened that we waited so long. At a year and a half he can't believe I'd ask about settling down, getting engaged and married and children in the near future. As if he'd never thought of it, more importantly never thought of it with me. He tells me he thinks he'll be ready to get engaged at 30.. 3 years from now; thinks. "He's not ready". It's not a nice feeling to be sure of someone who's hoping in three years to be sure of you. I keep telling myself that I will be patient, but I just don't feel that interest anymore; that feeling that he is SO into me anymore. Like I am a placeholder, that were playing house.. but he's the only one reaping the benefits.
He's just making me feel so insecure in this relationship, all the "affection", is gone. No sweet texts. No compliments. He doesn't hold my hand in the car any more, we don't cuddle unless I ask. And I know the honeymoon wears off. But I am not a secure person, and I think I'm just feeling worse with some of his actions. He's a police officer, he adds random women from businesses in his town who friend him. (Bad girlfriend moment) I looked at his iPad, where he was going on and on about how hot his new chiropractor is to his brother (he sees her three times a week) and he's "creeper" for Facebook stalking her and he "knows" it. At a wedding last weekend he was blatantly checking out women right in front of me, like I couldn't see. And last week at our softball game, an old team mate slapped his butt during the "good game" ending, right in front of me. And when I asked him since when that was okay, he shrugged it off. Non chalantly, and later told me he didn't "want me to make a scene". He wouldn't have so easily shrugged off a man I knew slapping my butt in front of him.. We have sex, maybe three times a month. Most of the time when I get drunk and have the courage to initiate (Which he's always telling me I don't do enough of). Sometimes to have him participate, sometimes to have him turn me down. Sometimes to have him tell me I drink too much (The only way I initiate). Orgasm is not something that comes easily to me, so I understand maybe sex with my is "work" on his part. But his history shows me that he pretty much watches multiple videos of porn basically every single day I am not home. Like we slept in bed together all day yesterday, and he watched porn after I left for work; instead of having sex with me. I even caught him after he left bed WITH me, masturbating on the toilet. He thought it was hysterical. I was crushed. When he found out I looked at his iPad, he took all the information that links his iPad to his phone, so there's no messages or anything. (I know I shouldn't have looked, but I feel like that's a little shady.. maybe)
Part of me is worried I will be in the same exact spot with a man three years down the road, who's still not ready. I consider him, and my little fur babies, my "family". Our puppy had an anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting in his mouth (he at the bee, in the bees defense). And we had just gotten ready to leave for a date night with another couple. He let me take the dog to the vet, told me he'd meet me there after he talked to our friends, and then ended up going with them on the date night with me. I was so crushed.
He leaves the cupboard doors open when he takes his glass out, leaves dirty dishes and coffee cups where they fall, boxers where he took them off. And they will sit there until I pick them up. The dishes, usually none of which are mine, will sit there until I do them. My usually immaculate house is messy and in disarray. Once in a while he will take it upon him self to mop, or do load of laundry. But usually that will just sit there until I do it too. I make dinner. I am responsible for OUR dogs. I just feel like were playing house. And he's beginning to ruin something I was totally sure of before. I thought he was it. But I'm not sure he is, because he's clearly unsure I am it for him.. Right?
Or am I the problem? I'm picking fights, even when I don't know why I'm upset and I'm asking myself why I'm saying something. I'm anxious, I'm stressing. I don't know if maybe I need to relax, or maybe we just aren't compatible. I fell fast, and hard. And waited way to long to talk about what he wanted. I was invested before I realized we are on such different pages..
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How resfreshing for me to hear you answering your own questions, your intellignet insights to your situation. You are a very intelligent woman for 27, who really has her life together at that age whereas your guy seems to come across as not ready to be an adult.
I do understand your confusion when you list all his good qualities. At least you see him do these things consistantly for others: very dedicated to family,Giving up his chair for the lady in room. Walking in to pay for gas for the elderly gentleman at the gas pump.
YOu must be even more confused since he was doing all the right things with you in those first 6 months so you thought you found Mr. Right. Don't beat yourself up over moving in together. That is actually the next step after all seems to be going good when dating. Dating is nothing more than an exploratory and discovery period to see if the other person still interests you or if any warning signs pop up that they may not be what you are looking for.
See, it is easy to hide from a potential partner all your faults until you live with them. So once you started living with him, you began to see another part of him that you are not okay with. Do not trick yourself into thinking you can just put up with it because of all his other qualities. I did this with my ex when I was your age, made excuses for him, painted him as better than he was, but most of all, I told myself I could handle his shortcomings for another day, another month , or even another year of my life. When I asked myself if I could handle the life I had with him exactly as it was with no improvement at all for the next 10 years or 20...I broke down and cried, upset and panicked at that thought. I knew I couldn't. SO I divorced him.
In your case, nice as parts of him may be, and as nice as his family may seem to be, either he has some internal personal issues that are causing him to be this way or he learned to be this way from his parents.
What I think I am seeing here, is a man who was looking for nothing more than a Mommy to take care of him. WHile he may to a degree function as an adult, especially since he's a police officer with that kind of responsibilities, when it comes to home life, he may have had a Mom who did it all and the Dad never helped Mom out, some outdated idea that the house is the womans domain only and only her responsiblity to keep up and clean. Whats worse is that if you had kids with him, the children would not tend to follow your good traits. Its always the weakest link. My kids would tend to imitate their Dads worsts personality traits and habits. If Mom does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning up after Dad just because He won't, you cant expect to teach your kids your ideals. They will say, if Dad doesnt have to do it, then why do I. ANd they won't grow up the way you like, always leaning on you to do stuff for them. Mine did until I left their Dad before the divorce. In that time of separation, even tho all were out on their own, they found they had to learn to grow up without me around and they finally did, thank God. But thats not a total guarantee. I still have a daughter who cant cook but keeps a clean house, and one who wont cook or clean and one who can cook but only recently moved back into the area so I have no idea how she keeps house.
You are not the problem. And he is not the problem. I know several people who have extremely messy houses, actually more than messy, unhealthy and uninhabitable if a state agency where to check it out...but that is how they choose to live and as long as no one who lives like that is endangering anyone else living there by the conditions, so be it. The problem is actually two people being together who have totally different ideals in life, goals, differents attitudes, etc.
At the end you stated ' And I waited way to long to talk about what he wanted.
That is true dear. After a bad 1st marriage, I was in late 40s and wanting to find someone but this time I knew what the warning signs looked like and what a messy, helpless, lazy pack rat looked like or acted like.
However you are missing the part I did 2nd time around, It wasn't good enough that I find someone who could tell me what they wanted...half or more than half don't know what they want in a woman or out of life and have no desire to even give it a thought if they are happy with status quo. Heck he's got it good, he's got a place to live he didnt have to save up to buy, he has a cook, a maid, a laundry person, a person go-fer, and a Mother image and he doesnt have to pay to hire any of those, all he had to do was the minimal amount of attention to sweep you off your feet and then he stopped because he got what he wanted.
And hon, don't think you can just ask if he's looking for a Mommy instead of a wife and equal partner. He may deny it cus he really doesnt know. This need may not be one he could recognize with his conscious mind, often its a sub consious one and therefore he wouldn't know, but by what you told me, I am betting on the fact that he deep down only wants a Mommy not a girlfriend or wife. While you may feel that how is he away from home counts, it does to some extent. But when considering the nitty gritty of home life, all that really matters is how he treats you and carries his weight in the relationship while at home, away from the public eye.
One last thing, unless you also have a very low libido and dont require or desire sex more than one or twice a month, then you are mismatched sexually as well. I can see no good reason for you to remain with him.
Women fall in love with men, some good, some bad, some very bad as in criminals and it is this love and not wanting to experience the temporary heart ache of breaking up to find someone better that keeps women with men who are not a good catch at all! Women fall in love thru the courtship, thru sex, thru the attention and compliments and wonderful stuff a guy does for her. I got this in the beginning with my 2nd husband and it hasn't stopped in 7 years. He is consistant is who he is. What I saw in him in the beginning, patience, supportive, willing to serve me and do special things, compliment and build me up every day, even though I dont require it as I am not a needy person, his admiration, willingness to do his share of the cooking and cleaning and sometimes even more as he suggests I take the night to relax and do crafts or read a book, etc....
I am sure this is what you are looking for. YOu must also look for consistantcy in a man. WHo he is when you meet, should be the same every time you meet so one can learn to build trust in each other. You can't trust a person who is kind to you once then is mean or uses you another. And the good qualities of the relationship between just you two, needs to remain consistant and actually grow even closer and better over time, not stop and fall apart.
I have a quote I like to use in these cases:
"Happily ever after doesnt happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so."
That is true. If there is imbalance, and one is not carrying their fair share of the load, then it will be a poor unhappy relationship at least for one person for ever, or it could in the end result in the splitting up of the relationship.
So though he may seem a great man as in your title, since he isn't consistantly that in all of his life, in the private half, my personal take on it, is he's not actually a really good man, he's simply not the worst. But do you want to settle for less.
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