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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Ok so my friend used utorrent to download photoshop Cs5 from demonoid.com and we're reading the instructions on installation and we got as far as installing it for a free trial but then it asks us to open some program or whatever called kaygen.exe but that didn't come with the download and apparently we need it to find out the serial number. We're really lost and we don't know what we're supposed to do next. btw he has windows 7 if that means anything. Can anyone help us finish this download? we really need it working for a project for school.
The Answer
Here on Advicenators we aren't able to help you.
It's a crime to crack software. It's against the rules here to give advice to commit a crime or an illegal act.
Regardless of whether you think pirating is okay or not - it's illegal everywhere and anyone who actually answered the question you asked here would be banned for breaking the site rules.
There are many places online to find the answer to your question and many places to download key generators. Advicenators isn't one of those places.
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The Question
I have talked with my 35 yr old son many times to attend college, and he has not done so as of yet. Is there any thing more I can do to get him to see he needs to attend college to make a better life for himself? He says he going but has not. He is very smart and intelligent and made good grades in school.
The Answer
At 35 years old the best thing you can do is back off. Either he'll go or he wont go.
If you'd made any material offers (finacial help, or a free place to live if he returns to school) you might want to remind him that those offers expire at some point. That's how my parents got some of thier twenty year olds to finish school or begin second degrees - They told us they would pay our tutition only until they retired, then we were on our own. It was helpful to have that deadline, and know that they loved and supported us going to school, but were only able to do so much.
Maybe that's the not the best approach for you, but it is what helped in our cases. Of course, some of the kids still choose not to go to school, and that was thier choice. It might be your son's choice too. So give him a deadline for your support (if you are willing to support him at all) and then let him make the choice.
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The Question
I would like some outsiders opinoins please... I will be married almost 5 years and we have a great marriage. We love and trust each other very much. We have our good days and bad :) LOL However, there is something that just makes me sick to my stomach and I just cannot get over it and he is not willing to make any change. There is woman that works at his job and he talks with her and gets along with her fine. However, I don't care for her very much. Well, whenever I we bump into each other or I go to his place of employment she will talk to him and treat me as if I am not even there... And he is ok with that! Am I crazy to get upset? Please help! I don't want to ruin our trust but it just seems like he should just respect me enough to say this is my wife! Be respectful... I am not saying you have to like me. You dont even have to talk to me but dont bud into our conversation and start your own like I am not imporatant... Please advise...Thanks :)
The Answer
I think you need to let this go - at least a little bit.
You didn't really imply she is a friend of his - she's a co-worker. That is a pretty rational reason for him to not want to 'rock the boat' with her. She's a rude co-worker. It's tough to challenge someone who is only an acquaintance on their rudeness.
Next time, rather than demanding your husband take the risk of confronting her (it would be nice if he did this, but as I've said - it would be difficult and risky for him to offend a co-worker like this, perfectly understandable he doesn't feel it's necessary or worth it) interrupt her yourself.
"Hi, I'm Carol, Bob's wife. I feel like I've seen you a dozen times but we've never actually met."
Then follow up with questions that begin a conversation with her, what does she do at the office, is she looking forward to weekend? It can be inane. But rather than expecting your husband to rescue you from this woman, you are actually in a more powerful position than he with her. You can kill her with kindness.
After taking this approach with her a few times, where you don't let her ignore you but dominate the conversation yourself, one of two things will happen: Either she will recognize that she cannot ignore you when speaking your husband and will include you OR she will avoid speaking to your husband when you are around, in order to avoid you.
It's understandable she drives you a bit crazy, but you need to recognize how much power you have over this situation. You actually have a greater ability to challenge this woman's rude behavoir then your husband does. So instead of standing there and stewing, waiting for someone to acknowledge you, interrupt the two of them and make yourself present.
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The Question
I am the mother of 5 sons. We were always very close. Three years ago, my 2nd born was married to a girl he had been dating for several years. Both were in their mid to late twenties and already well established in their respective careers. It became evident after the engagement, that she did not care for our family very much. At the wedding reception, when the happy couple went around and visited each table after dinner, she decided that she would only visit those tables on her side and not ours. Our son did carry on and visited the rest of the tables despite her snub. After she had danced with her father, and he with her mother, my son came over and asked me to dance. It was so beautiful and I still cherish that time. He came over to his father and asked him to dance with the bride. At the start of the next dance, my husband walked straight across the dance floor to her and asked if she would dance with him. She looked him straight in the eye and said "NO".
In 2009, my dear mom died and I was devastated. My son called me and told me he was sorry for my loss. It was a terrible time. Later, I realized his wife didn't call me or even send a card. I was still emotional but I felt he should know this upset me. I emailed and told him how hurt I was, and felt that she didn't have any respect for me. As his mother, the person that gave birth to him he should give me respect for at least giving birth to him. I could not believe his response! He said I had to earn his respect, and "should the bastard son of a crack whore give her respect just because she gave birth to him?" Those words keep echoing in my mind. I cannot get over the hurt they caused and broke my heart.
I need advice on how I can move on with my life. I especially would welcome advice from other mothers. I don't know if I should talk to him or show him how much he hurt me, give him silence and maybe having my husband standing with me and saying how dare he did this to your mother. He didn't say anything to him back then. I feel all alone. I have no females in my family. Just males, they can't understand a mothers heart. Please help me. I would appreciate your feedback.
BTW - I've never done crack or any other drug. I homeschooled all of my boys through high school and all except my 18 year old have done exceptionally well in college. And my 'baby' will be starting next semester!
Jann (55 Female)
The Answer
You actually need to treat your son, and his wife, as the individual people they are.
It sounds me as though your son has actually made an effort to maintain some closeness with you, and respect you as his parent, despite his wife's feeling about you.
Although I can understand why his comment hurt you so deeply, the truth is that he has a point. When your children grow up they don't respect you simply because you gave birth to them, they come to respect you as person as well as a parent. Your behavoir counts, not just the birth process. I suspect that was his point. But obviously your behavoir did earn you his basic respect :Your son paid you the courtesy of calling you! It is his wife who didn't.
It his wife who seems to not respect you, and also, to not know you at all.
As a twenty something myself, let me give you this advice: Many young couples no longer see a married couple as a single entity. You seem to think of your son as though he was responsible for his wife's snubs. This might have made a great deal of sense to people of your generation, but to many people of mine, it was impolite to hold your son accountable when HE did the polite thing and called, but your daughter in law did not.
To use your husband to continue your accusations against your son would be continuing this pattern of holding his responsible for his wife's behavoir. It would be the wrong move and would further alienate both of them. It would also be unkind, even a bully tactic. Please don't do that.
Do your tell your son that his comment hurt you, but instead of continuing to treat him as though it's his FAULT his wife doesn't behave the way you'd like (and she is rude, I'm not defending here, however if you want a relationship with your son, then you are going to have to manage the relationship with your son, and stop confusing your displeasure with her, as disrespect from him.)
So, instead of continuing that, tell him you feel alienated from him and have trouble understanding his wife's feelings towards you. Tell him you'd like to heal any breach that exists, and that you'd like to better understand them both.
Reach out with him with a desire to understand, to build more honest and respect, and to heal the confusions and pains of the past. It might not work, but it is the approach which will get you closest to the relationship you desire.
Of course I can only go by what I see here in your question, but what I see here is a young man who is doing his best, even though his wife isn't. It's very possible his comment had very little to with you.
Instead of escalating the fight that he might not have meant to inspire, perhaps it's time to start asking your son what he'd like from his relationship with you, and how you might create a more cordially relationship with his wife if possible as well. His comment in that e-mail screams of a young man who feels his mother is out of touch with the reality of his life - if you want to heal the relationship, it's time to stop demanding things be done on your terms and start to listen and negotiate terms of the relatioship with your adult child.
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The Question
Okay so I want to go on a mission trip to Africa through the program Global Expedition.
We're going to go to refugee camps, help do laundry, make mud houses, etc.
I REALLY want ot go but there are some problems (that my parents identified that I agree with but..):
I'm a huge germophobic.
Don't like bugs, dirty stuff.
I even freak out when the floor in our house isn't clean enough to my standards.
HATE public bathrooms.
I get sick really easily.
I have a compulsive to wash my hands freqquently.
I will go on the two week trip. i had a huge argument with my parents because I want to be a nurse in Hummanitarian Aid and africa is perfect to see what it could be like. And my dad agreed to let me go because he doesn't wnat me to go into hummanitarian aid and if going there for two weeks will change that, then so be it.
\In africa I will probablly not go to the bathroom where I think I will and there will be no clean water to take a shower.
They also think that I should get a job in the summer instead of spending lots of money helping out when I don't get any plagues, SOMETHING out of this (they don't think the rewards of helping people counts).
So now I'm wondeirng what do you guys think - should I go or not? All of this points to no I guess but i really want to go to Africa, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I want to get away from a place iwth spoiled kids and see real life. Or maybe it's because I want to get over my clean freakness and REALLY help. Or maybe it's because I really love Princess Diana and want to follow her footsteps.
There's a trip to Romania too to an orphanage but it starts at the same time. I could go to that one because I like kids but hey there's probably orphanages in Africa already AND defintiely kids so why not that?
Your opinion please!
The Answer
If you are serious about becoming a nurse working in humanitarian aid then you need to go. You need to go because you have a shit load of issues that you are simply going to need to get over if you are serious about volunteering and working in areas of the world that need relief workers.
A two week trip is about the shortest you are going to be able to swing, so it sounds like a good idea. I haven't looked up Global Expedition and you should double-check they are reputable and reliable, but otherwise, you ought to go to find out if your life plan and goals are actually what you want. It's okay to change your mind, but the more information you have, the better off you'll be when it's time to make choices.
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The Question
Is dayhug.com a scam web site?
The Answer
Hey there, I could be wrong, but you might be the same person as asked this question last year:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=580345
I answered it there too, but just to be sure I went ahead and looked at dayhug.com again just to see if it had magically turned into an honest, reputable company in the last 10 months.
It hasn't. It's still a scam. At very best they are selling counterfeits, but it seems most likely they just take people's money.
Here is the answer I gave way back then...
"They can afford [to sell product that cheaply], because they don't actually deliver any product. They just take people's money.
That is a scam site.
How can I be so sure? It's easier than you'd think.
There is no shopping cart. They ask you to e-mail them orders. E-mail is not a secure way to handle a transaction and even very small wholesalers tend to avoid that. The nonsense that a programmer steals information from it, is just that: complete nonsense. How come other sites seem to be able to hire reliable, honest programmers if this huge wholesaler cannot? That is clue number one.
They do no allow you to pay with paypal from their site. Setting up a paypal merchant account is really, really simple.
They claim they have a paypal account, but they make you e-mail them for details. They just expect you to trust 'em when they say they are a reliable paypal merchant, but they don't provide public proof of it. That is seriously sketchy. There is really only one reason for them to require you to e-mail them to access their paypal account information: they are lying about their track record, even worse they might regularly make new PayPal accounts, to keep ahead of the complaints and reports. That's clue number two.
Finally, they accept money orders and wire transfers. NEVER, EVER buy online from anyone who suggests you send them a money order. Ebay banned Money orders as a payment types years ago because of all the scams and abuse. A money order is a cheque that anyone who has the password can cash. Once you give someone the money order information, they just go and cash it. If you complain to the bank or provider that someone didn't send you what they promised, they will shrug their shoulders and say "But you gave them the Money order password. That's not our fault." Money orders are also virtually untraceable. They are the favourite payment option for scam artists and thieves. And that is the clue that absolutely cinches it.
When something looks too good to be true, it probably is."
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The Question
He has been acting different again. He's pushing me away again. The thing is, I was supposed to call him around 12 last night to go to sleep on the phone. The reason why I say 12, that was because he gets out of class around 9:50, so I thought he wanted some time to study. But I was exhausted, I did only 3 subjects of homework 5 hours straight, so I was tired. I tried to keep myself awake while I was waiting. 11 PM, I fell asleep, I woke up and I was panicking because it was 2:45 AM. :( I called him right away and he didn't seem happy at all. He didn't say, "i love you" or anything, and went straight to sleep.
I texted him in the morning to tell him what happened, and he didn't say anything about it! I asked him if he was mad at me, and he said, "no." Then he told me to leave him alone! I was so confused, I asked him if I did something, he said I didn't do anything wrong. So now I'm more confused than ever. He hasn't texted me since. :( I'm really sad right now. I went to church and prayed. I saw him walking on campus twice, and we didn't talk... He didn't even bother to look at me. :(
I'm still trying to think what's going on. I hope it's not another girl, because he says he doesn't have time for another one. And I saw him walk towards the cafeteria, which is where he hangs out with his friends. I was thinking, maybe he's stressed out? But he could've just told me instead of pushing me away. But then when I thought about it, I told him if he's ever stressed, then to tell me that he wants to be left alone, and he'll tell me the reason why later.
He didn't say that, he just said, "please leave me alone." I'M CONFUSED! What the heck is going on. He could at least tell me why he wants to be left alone by ME. Not by his friends, ME.
What do you think is going on? I am completely confused, what should I do?
The Answer
Well, he is obviously upset.
Other than that, we don't know much more than you do.
It could be that he is upset, but knows it wasn't really your fault that you didn't call, but honestly, it seems to run much deeper than that does it?
You can't control what he does. You are totally right that he could be handling this way better and being much clearer with you, but he isn't doing that, he's doing this.
So you have two choices, you can do what he asks and back off, trusting that if you give him some space know he'll come back and explain himself.
Or you can try to contact him again and ask him what the hell is going on.
He's checking out of the relationship, and that's bad. He's not willing to engage with the relationship, doesn't matter too much what his reasons are, this is probably going to end your relationship if he doesn't change the way he is communicating with you.
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The Question
please read i need help
is is possible to find love again? i am so scared that i will never find someone else. i have been trying. ever since my bf of 2 years broke up with me about a year and a half ago. my greatest fear used to be losing him and that already happend. now my new fear is never finding that special person who loves me respects me and would treat me right. people have said that he WILL come to you when you least expect it and to not go out looking for it because it will be when the time is right. im in my late teens and still young. im a good girl and i nice person. i dont know what to do. im so confused and feel so alone and im ready for that special someone but i just cant seem to find him. i dont know what to do. is there someone for everyone. what should i do ?
The Answer
How old are you? 18, maybe 19?
That means you have likely have another 60 years of life ahead of you, and only about 5 years behind you were you were able to date anyone in any sensible and honest way.
Not only is it possible you'll find love again, it's damn likely. It's most likely that you will actually find a few more loves before you are tossed into your grave.
Frankly, I think the late teens it the toughest time for many people to be single. Being in high school or early college, and working through all the transitions in life and friendships that those years bring on you it's natural to feel the most detached and lost. You are alone, in many ways, at this time of your life. The support network of your childhood and adolescence is shifting and fading, and your adult support network of friends and colleagues has not developed yet. A romantic partner does ease that feeling somewhat, no doubt.
So my advice to you is three-fold:
First, don't stop looking for love. The 'it'll happen when you least expect' line is total bullshit. It's like the 'love at first sight' story. They are sweet stories, but the truth is meeting people is hard, developing relationships is hard, and you have to be ready and keen for it. So don't be ashamed to say "YES! I'm looking for people to date. I want to date. I want a romance in my life." It's honest, and it's productive. There is a big difference between 'trying to hard', and simply being honest.
Second, try to find ways to deal with your overarching loneliness. Volunteering, take a class, invite a co-worker or new person in your life out for lunch and work on expanding your network, OR reconnect with someone from your past you are sorry you lost touch with.
Finally, keep working on you. Keep on being a nice person and be friendly and approachable. Bitterness and desperation are the enemy. Hope and respect for everyone around you, regardless of what they bring into your life, is the best recipe for an open heart and a clear head.
We all feel this way sometimes. You will probably feel like this again in your life at some point. The important part is finding ways to pull through that keep you sane, and a good person. If you can do that, you will fall in love again, guaranteed.
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The Question
I am in one of the best relationships I have ever been in. I am 43 yrs old and finally found the one guys that i have so much in common with. He makes me laugh, we talk about anything, the * is great. He is truly my prince. But he has a lot or baggage. Huge baggage. He has 3 kids and he is the sole provider of these kids. He has 2 twin boys that are only 5 and one 12 yr old. The twins were born as premies and they have all sorts of health issues, along with ADHD and the mother was on crack when she had them. His 12 yr old is ADHD and a introvert. Me and this guy have been dating for a yr. He so desperately wants me to move in and get married. I have a son 22 and a daughter 9. I simply do not want to start over raising kids. And I feel kinda weird with the thought of my daughter growing up in a house with these many boys. I have plenty of baby sitters so everytime I see this guys (mostly weekends) I don't have my daughter. Its much harder for him. He is trying to blend the family. I keep telling him I don't want that. I am not equipped to take this on, but it so hard for me to just walk away. I have not spend any time with his kids and that is ok with him, but not with me. I feel like he is living this fantasy life when were together. I am honest with him and tell him all the time. Stop getting serious, I do not want to be anyones step mom. I think it's more the health issues. They stay sick and in the hospital. I want to support him and love him but this is more then I can handle. I think I just scarred of being alone. Not to many people are knocking down the door to take out 43 yr old women these day. I have been divorced for 5 yrs therfore I have gotten a chance to know myself. I am very good with kids, but after a while I need my peace and space. I am wondering should I just walk away? I think i know the answer but sometimes it good to hear it from others.
The Answer
Yes, you should probably walk away.
He's a package deal. He knows it too. If he is envisioning a big happy blended family, and you are not, there isn't much compromise to discover.
You can 'talk it out' but talking isn't going to change the fact you've already decided what you want and who you want to be and it's incompatibility with what he IS. Not what simply what he wants, but what he IS. He IS the father of these children, forever and for the next decade or more, it will be a full time job with the added stress of their medical issues.
You've already determined that isn't the life for you. You seem very earnest and clear about that.
You want to support him and love him, but only on your own terms. That isn't going to work.
Talk all you want, but in the end you owe it this guy to walk away. He is looking for a co-parent. You don't want to co-parent his children. That's the deal breaker.
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The Question
When women are being married, they usually start showing off their engagement/wedding ring(s). I have very selective taste, and I find many of them to be gaudy or downright ugly. What am I supposed to say when these women are expecting me to tell them, "How lovely"?
The Answer
"Congratulations."
I'm a not a musher or fawner over wedding rings personally, but you've got an easy out on this one: Don't comment on the ring, comment on the engagement, ask about the proposal, congratulate and ask about the fiance if you don't know them well.
I doubt anyone will notice if you smile at the ring and then change the subject and ask about the engagement and the partner or any plans they are making.
The ring is just the thing used to start the conversation, you don't really need to pay too much attention to it. Just use it as a jumping off point to offer your congratulations, and ask them the questions you know they are excited to answer.
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The Question
So I met this guy back in Sept, and that night we went back to his place and messed around but never had sex or oral. Even though we both told eaqchother how much we wanted eachother. He said he was a good man and he wanted me the right way. lol. Everything has been causal since, only spoke a few times and went on 1 date a month ago. I ran into him last night after not talking for awhile and we wonund up going back to his place. We wound up f**king after he was done kissing me everywhere and eating me out. However here's my question....you could tell he didnt want to fall alseep with me so I left, he walked me to car and that was it. So with this said, do yo think it was just a fuck...one night stand or could it be more? Do guys really go down on chicks in a one night stand?
The Answer
It's a one night stand.
Oral doesn't make 'more'. Some guys like going down on girls (some guys have a the sense to realize this might even help the girl enjoy herself, and a girl who is enjoying herself is a better sex partner).
It might become more in the future, but it seems unlikely unless you follow up and go on a few more dates. It sounds like you both wanted to have sex that night and you went back to his place to have sex and then left.
If you want more, follow up with him, 'cause I would bet he isn't imagining more with you right now.
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The Question
my ex boyfriend broke up with me, we remained in contact because I wanted to try and work things out and he said he'd think about it. I didn't want to remain friends with him and I made that clear. a month later, after no effort on his part, I started texting a guy I met in a bar. my ex SAW me with the guy but all we were doing was talking.
im not dating this guy, and my ex knows that, but he said to me "well y'all might get together soon, or you might start dating another guy I don't know but then maybe we'd get back together if you broke up" I said what do you mean he said "im jus saying you never know" why would you say that to someone you broke up with?
The Answer
He's just attention seeking. He said that to make you think "Why would he say that?"
After a month of nothing, he comes up with some half-asses comment like this to make sure he's still on your mind. He's also basically told you he isn't interested in getting back together with you for a while - if he is interested at all. Frankly, he is probably not the least bit interested in getting back together with you. He sounds like he is just interested in keeping all his options open and not being decisive and clear.
Either pin him to the wall and say "Look, do you want to try again or not? This is your last chance to speak up." or ignore him and move on with your life.
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The Question
Basically, my boyfriend has a friend who he's said nothing good about outside of their friendship. He's constantly told me this guy objectifies women, is arrogant, etcetc. I've also heard this from mutual friends.
Anyway, yesterday he asks me if I'd be willing to meet this guy because he wants to meet me and have dinner apparently. I told him I don't feel 100% comfortable with the situation and explained why, and he told me that although his friend objectifies the women he's dating, he wouldn't do it to me, and that he considers him a "good friend" all aside and asked me politely again if I'd just meet him and give him a chance.
I'm not against giving people chances, and I usually do prefer having my own idea of how people are than letting outside information cloud my judgment. However, I can't get past him objectifying women and I can't help but feel like he'll do the same with me. Not to mention the fact that just two weeks ago my boyfriend was telling me how he was using a girl for sex, and now all of a sudden he's a "changed man" because he's committed to someone.
Am I being ridiculous for not wanting to really even get to know the guy? I'm still considering just meeting him, but I can't picture myself ever having some friendship with him - and I feel like my boyfriend expects me to just hangout with them both now that apparently their friendship took an upswing.
The Answer
You aren't being ridiculous for being cautious, but it would be deeply unfair and disrespectful to your boyfriend to refuse to met him once. It's okay not to be comfortable, and to tell your boyfriend why, but after that you need to at least give this guy a fair shake. To refuse to even meet him would be deeply judgmental and disrespectful to your boyfriend.
You can remind your boyfriend that everyone you know (including him!) has described this guy as someone you wouldn't want anything to do with. Your boyfriend contributed to your very negative image of this person - it's understandable you aren't excited to meet him.
However, your boyfriend probably DOES expect you you hang out with them both and at least give it a chance. It's a perfectly fair thing for him want a friend and his girlfriend to met and try to get along. You don't need to be excited about it, but respect your boyfriend's ability to choose friends and rise above the gossip long enough to meet this guy and form your own opinions.
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The Question
the inside of my eyelids are sorta white, im always out of breath, ive fainted quite a few times in my life, when I stand up I get very dizzzy sometimes, I get headaches often (i had a migrane for a full month 2 years ago) i bruise very easily, my period is irregular& im pale compared to parents.
im 17/f, with a child, so im always fatigued.
im waitin im waitin on health insurance, but does this sound like im anemic?
The Answer
You should see a doctor as soon as you can to talk about this - there are so many other possibilities besides anemia.
We aren't doctors, but if you are concerned you might be a anemic, the only thing to do other than see a doctor is improve your diet - iron deficiency is the most common cause of anemia so make sure you are getting enough iron, maybe consider taking an iron supplement or multivitamin.
Many young woman struggle to keep their iron up, so even your problems aren't related to anemia, it's a good idea to make sure you are getting enough iron into your system.
And see a doctor as soon as you able, you very much need a doctor's advice.
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The Question
My fiance's best friends wife - constanlty belittles me and I just
take it. She is from New Jersey and I'm from the South -North
Carolina. we are about 8 years apart -both mothers of
grown children and we each have grandchildren. If I say
white she says black - I finally had it on a vacation and told
her she was very negative - oh boy did she dig into me -
I have sent her a nice note since the trip and two messages
no reply. My fiance still wants me to make amends- I miss
our friendship but I don't need a mother. I think she has
no idea how rude she is...... SUGGESTIONS PLZ
We all live in Florida now
The Answer
Well, if you've tried to make amends and have been ignored, there is really nothing much for you to do but wait it out and see what happens. If she also misses your friendship, you might have a way forward. If she truly wants nothing to do with you now, there is really no advice anyone can give.
In the meantime, encourage your husband to maintain HIS friendship with his best friend, and not let sour feelings between the wifey and you spoil his friendship. You've tried to reach out three times and she hasn't responded. There is nothing else he can fairly expect you to do (Shall you stand on her doorstep serenading her? Of course not). It's a bit harder to be friends when partners dislike eachother, but make sure your fiance knows he has your support and understanding to keep up his friendship with this guy.
You both have grandchildren, so I'll assume you are later on in life... You need to accept that even if she does come around and speak to you again, this woman might not change. You might always find her rude and unpleasant. What then? Consider what kind of friendship (if any) you want to have with her if this is just the way she is. Think about ways to handle her behavoir, or limit your time with her, to keep your sanity.
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The Question
Okay so I'm 16/F and a sophomore. My boyfriend is 17/M junior. We've been dating since halfway through the summer before my freshman year. Ever since we've been together we've always been crazy. We both drink and party and he smokes (pot) occasionally but usually not. However, it's different now. He is an extremely talented quarterback and pitcher and this year a bunch of colleges have their eyes on him. He has chosen not to drink or smoke or party because he can't risk getting caught and ruining his chances in a D-1 school. And I have definitely cut back too. But I still wanna party, for like, the social part. I definitely don't get smashed anymore but I do drink when I go out (I also have a sober ride and friends with me). But lately my boyfriend has been getting mad at me. He says he doesn't feel comfortable with me going out without him by my side (I guess I never have done that before) but I can take care of myself and control myself. He says he doesn't like it cause he's worried some guy is gonna get me extra drunk and "take advantage of me". Being 5"5 and a 100 lbs it doesn't take much to get my hammered but like I said, I haven't gone past tipsy and mildly drunk for a long time. And I don't go out often, most of the time I'm hanging out with and it's not like there's a party every weekend. I'd say it's only once a month or two months. I think it's mayb him just missing being able to get crazy and what not... But I don't know. We fight about it a lot but it's the only thing wrong with us. I really love him and we both see us lasting a long time but I'm not doing anything that affects him and I like going out with my friends! What should I do??
The Answer
Your boyfriend is being a bit possessive, and a bit sexist.
You need to really tell him that he needs to trust you to make safe, responsible choices. It doesn't sound like he has any reasonable reason to suspect you would do anything else.
On one hand it's sweet he wants to keep you safe, on the other hand, it's misogynistic for him to think you NEED a man around or you are at risk. It's really not okay for a guy to treat you as though you are in danger when he's not there to protect you. It's a negative mindset and it can colour relationships in nasty ways.
It's might be partly him missing being able to go out, but whatever his reasons are, it's really not okay for him to give you any shit about safe behavoir. You can calm his fears a bit by telling him where you are going and who you are with (and you should always go to parties where you know the host, and with friends you can rely on), and yes, checking in can be sweet and helpful, but in the end, you have to be able to tell him, very clearly, that although you are sorry he is upset, him being upset doesn't get to change perfectly acceptable behavoir on your part.
If he can't handle a girl who has her own social life, he's got a problem that is bigger than your relationship, and he needs to learn to manage it.
UNLESS you are engaging in any risky behavoir beyond a few drinks with friends that he might legitimately has a beef with, he needs to be told firmly and lovingly to shove it and get over it. You might still give him all the information of where and who and when, or call to check in as a favor to him, but even as you do that, tell him he needs to deal with his negativity around this. It's not cute or endearing, it's belittling and possessive and it's not okay.
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The Question
so what i want to know is what to do about my boyfriend cheating on me with 2 bff's.i am still dating him and he does not know that i know he is a nasty cheater. me and my 2 bff's are making a list to get back at him. so what i am saying what do you think i sould do?
The Answer
Just dump him.
Revenge works great in the movies, but in real life is never gets you what you want.
He's already proven he doesn't give a shit about you, it's unlikely anything you do will have nearly the effect you want on him. If he doesn't care about YOU, nothing you can do will hurt him much.
In the end, you'll just have wasted a lot of energy and planning on something that barely works, isn't funny, and make everyone else who knows about think less of you.
Tell him what you know. Have the satisfaction of saying exactly what you think of him to his face and end the relationship with your head held high. If you want revenge, watch some good movies where the jackass cheater gets it in the end. I promise you that will be more satisfying than anything on your list.
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The Question
I'm 18/M
So my girlfriend of almost 9 months called me a week ago, and told me she kissed another guy. The big issue is that this one guy is the only person I've ever had a problem with in her life, and there's been a lot of issues involving him. About 4 months ago, she told me she had kissed him before we were dating, after she lied to me and said they never had. She violated my trust once, but I forgave her and told her, if there's anything else, this is your only chance to tell me and I'll listen. Well she promised me over and over that was it, and I believed her.
So she called me, told me it was on a night we watched a movie, and I said to her "That's after we started dating" and she kept saying it wasn't. I didn't believe her, so I made her call the local movie store and ask when that movie was rented, and sure enough it was after we started dating. It was also 4 days before my birthday. He kissed her, and she kissed him back for several minutes. What makes this worse is I was there that night, she kissed me many times that night and looked me in the eyes, kissed me goodnight, I left her house and she had him sleep over. She lied to me for 9 months. She promised this was the only other time anything happened, then after questioning more, I find out there was a 3rd time, when we were establishing our relationship, about a week before our first kiss. She said they kissed and he kissed her neck, then she again told me that was all. Then I find out, he took her shirt and bra off, kissed her chest, she had her hands down his pants....And she told me she had never done that before in her life. She lied to me about everything...Things that she had done before, and ever having any relations with this kid.
I was in love, and I got crushed. She kept lying over and over and yes, she cheated on me a few weeks into our relationship but then there was 8 months of perfection. I found it in my heart to try and forgive her and try to make things work, under one condition. This kid was to be out of her life completely, no matter what. She agreed, and a few days later she changed her mind. She told me I'm an awful person and completely unreasonable for making her choose between him and me, because he is a family friend. I told her it's me or him, and I want to know, do you think I should have taken her back, and am I being unreasonable telling her not to see him anymore?
Also,
He has also pressured her into drinking, and taking her shirt off for a stupid game, when he kept saying no. He texts her telling him to break up with me all the time, always talks bad about me, he talks bad to her, and always puts his hands on her.
The Answer
Your relationship with her is over.
Sorry, that's the truth of it.
She values her relationship with this other guy - even when it crosses the line and risks her relationship with you. It's not so much that she chooses him over you, but she has decided that this is something she is willing to lose you over.
What's important is that SHE feels its unreasonable expectation for you to want him out of her life. She thinks that is controlling and unfair. That means you and her have come to a point where no negotiation or comprise is possible. You have two completely different, irreconcilable ideas about how to live life and what is acceptable.
So you need to break up.
Everything else is pretty much irrelevant, although there is a lot going through your mind it's really only this that matters:
You have reached a point where you cannot compromise and cannot agree. She won’t stop her friendship with him, and you won’t be with her if she won’t.
There is no point and saying “it’s him or me.” She has already told you that she refuses to make that choice. She has chosen both of you, and if you aren’t okay with that then relationship is over. End of story.
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The Question
My boyfriend = 24, will be 25 in April
Me = 19, will be 20 in April
My boyfriend broke up with me today because he said that he feels like I put too much investment in the relationship and he wasn't putting in enough, and I got too emotionally attached to him. I really like this guy, and I know that it sounds lame to want an ex back and these are feelings that I'm going to feel on the same day as our break up anyway. I know that I spent alot of time dwelling on my past relationships and was often insecure. He also didn't want to dick me around by acting like we were the perfect match when we weren't.
We weren't dating for long, only about a month but he was a really great guy. He was definitely the kind of guy that I've been looking for a really long time now, he's dark, tall and handsome in my opinion, he took really good care of me, he's funny, smart, and a wonderful person.
I know that I have to work on myself a lot more if I want to be the kind of girl that a guy wants to date, by getting a job and a drivers license, and learning how to let go of my painful past with guys.
He wants to be friends but at this point he doesn't think that we could be anything more. How do I win over his affection and make him see that we can have something together? I know that mentioning our relationship over and over again is definitely not going to work out in a good way.
The Answer
You practically said it right in your question, but then you circled back and missed it.
YOU MUST DO THIS:
I have to work on myself a lot more if I want to be the kind of girl that a guy wants to date, by getting a job and a drivers license, and learning how to let go of my painful past with guys.
BEFORE YOU GET TO DO THIS:
How do I win over his affection and make him see that we can have something together?
It really is that simple. You can't even begin the discussion of the second part, until you've handled the first part.
Accept his friendship graciously, and work on improving yourself. Put a relationship, any relationship, out of your mind for a long while.
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The Question
Okay so, not the easiest topic to approach, but I figured I'd give it a shot.
I've been having sex with my now-boyfriend (who's 26) for two, going on roughly three months. He's never initiated anything to begin with, and I've always felt so awkward doing it myself. I'm pretty submissive in the bedroom, so this is a new behavior to me.
However, this isn't the core issue. What I feel that is, is a lack of communication/understanding, or just plain out carelessness, in general. Lately our sex life has taken a halt, and when we are intimate it's not much of a session, or any quality/effort coming from his end, to be crass. He has issues with lasting (five minutes is pretty typical - and he asks if I cum quite often, in which I say no, honestly) I've asked him if he feels as if things have changed (I meant emotionally between us, and he took it as me asking if my anatomy changed -- and responds with, "you're not as tight as when we first had sex, no." Uhm, what?
Needless to say, it left me speechless and then dumbfounded by the utter stupidity. I've been with several people before him, one of which I had sex with nearly every day, for two years, and nothing changed. And at 19 years old, I'm doubting much CAN change unless I feel like giving birth sometime soon.
Anyway. He went onto say that I'm still "tight" and we have "good sex" just things aren't the "same" as the first time down there. I'm not sure how to even take these comments, or how to get it through his head that the vagina is a muscle that doesn't alter every time you have sex or place an object in it. Has anyone else ever dealt with this/and how DO you deal with it?
The Answer
You know the only thing that has actually changed is that the 'newness' has worn off. That does have a huge psychological effect for many people. A lot of sex happens in the brain.
In your position, with much more at stake than my partners poor understanding of anatomy, I'd let his ignorant comment slide. He didn't mean to be hurtful, or stupid. Correcting him can come at a later date - if you get to a later date.
The answer to the actual question you wanted to ask is even more vital now than it was before, but before you ask him, first answer the question yourself.
What has changed?
Are you satisfied with this?
Is this a dealbreaker?
I'll be honest with you, as a woman who has lately had a tendency to date older men, this kind of ignorance (and sexual incompatibility) at only 3 months in, would be a sign I should walk away. There is a fundamental inability to relate there on two really important levels - sexually and intellectually.
Before you start worrying too much about his feelings (or about correcting him) ask yourself if it's worth it.
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