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Really embarrassing.
Okay so, not the easiest topic to approach, but I figured I'd give it a shot.
I've been having sex with my now-boyfriend (who's 26) for two, going on roughly three months. He's never initiated anything to begin with, and I've always felt so awkward doing it myself. I'm pretty submissive in the bedroom, so this is a new behavior to me.
However, this isn't the core issue. What I feel that is, is a lack of communication/understanding, or just plain out carelessness, in general. Lately our sex life has taken a halt, and when we are intimate it's not much of a session, or any quality/effort coming from his end, to be crass. He has issues with lasting (five minutes is pretty typical - and he asks if I cum quite often, in which I say no, honestly) I've asked him if he feels as if things have changed (I meant emotionally between us, and he took it as me asking if my anatomy changed -- and responds with, "you're not as tight as when we first had sex, no." Uhm, what?
Needless to say, it left me speechless and then dumbfounded by the utter stupidity. I've been with several people before him, one of which I had sex with nearly every day, for two years, and nothing changed. And at 19 years old, I'm doubting much CAN change unless I feel like giving birth sometime soon.
Anyway. He went onto say that I'm still "tight" and we have "good sex" just things aren't the "same" as the first time down there. I'm not sure how to even take these comments, or how to get it through his head that the vagina is a muscle that doesn't alter every time you have sex or place an object in it. Has anyone else ever dealt with this/and how DO you deal with it?
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I'm old enough to be your grandfather . Your question is one of the reasons I joined this forum, to help people like you and your boyfriend by answering questions such as these with straight answers as best as I can.
Your 19 and your boyfriend is 26 making for a 7 year difference in age. He should be the more experienced one in the bedroom. It is quite possible he is not; he may have been a late bloomer or more of the nerdy type in his teen years.
You haven't said what his sexual experience is; do you know how many partners he has had or when he first had sexual experience? The 40 year old virgin is not just a movie title. There are men and women out there who have remained virgins well into their 20's and thirty's.
Sex between two consenting adults is a beautiful thing. There also as you stated a need for communication; generally this is how partners find out each others likes and dislikes. In some cases you may need to find out how experienced your partner is.
When I was your age our parents passed a book around the neighborhood titled "From Acorns Grow Trees". It said very little about sex other than were babies come from and how they are made. To think that today someone your age or your boyfriends age would have little knowledge of sex is almost unthinkable, but it does happen. There are parents out there that are very strict and protective almost to the point of cloistering their children.
Suggestion: You are going to have to take the lead in opening up the lines of communications with him if this relationship is something you want to see continue to grow.
You start by telling him what or how much he means to you. You follow that up with what you like about your relationship. Then you tell him that your bedroom relationship is failing and this is an area that is important to you. You could go on to say that if he wasn't important to you, you could just let the relationship fail and move on. But you don't want to do that. You want to help. If he is still with you at this point you now ask the questions about his past experiences, when he first had sex.? What he likes and doesn't like? At the same time you tell him what you like or don't like. Do you need more foreplay or less foreplay. Are you more clitoral or vaginal? What positions you like. You want him to initiate sex more often and be more demonstrative in the bedroom and what that means. Do you like oral sex or anal sex? What does he like?
As for him coming to soon during sex: Try getting him off during foreplay. At 26 he is young enough where you should be able to arouse him again for a 2nd go in short order. There are also techniques that you can search the web for that will show you how to teach him self control.
Last but not least the two of you can visit a sex therapist together. Don't laugh or poo poo this idea. You would be surprised at the number of people that visit a sex therapist, but married and unmarried couples. You tell the therapist your problems and they discus solutions and have you co home and try something. Then you come back and report on the outcome.
I hope something of what I've written you find useful.
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Why are you having sex with someone who is all about how tight your vagina is? If someone appreciated you for who you are it should not even be a thought. They should be happy for who you are and the way you are. Sorry to be so blunt but hell why blow a small thing out of proportion right?
Communication is HUGE in relationships, If your sex life is not satisfying then you two need to sit down and discuss how you two can improve your sex life.
When people first start dating, They are in which you call the "puppy stage" and after awhile of getting used to one another that flames tend to die down a bit. In the 3rd month, You two are starting to get used to one another and intimately maybe you two need to spice it up a bit.
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You know the only thing that has actually changed is that the 'newness' has worn off. That does have a huge psychological effect for many people. A lot of sex happens in the brain.
In your position, with much more at stake than my partners poor understanding of anatomy, I'd let his ignorant comment slide. He didn't mean to be hurtful, or stupid. Correcting him can come at a later date - if you get to a later date.
The answer to the actual question you wanted to ask is even more vital now than it was before, but before you ask him, first answer the question yourself.
What has changed?
Are you satisfied with this?
Is this a dealbreaker?
I'll be honest with you, as a woman who has lately had a tendency to date older men, this kind of ignorance (and sexual incompatibility) at only 3 months in, would be a sign I should walk away. There is a fundamental inability to relate there on two really important levels - sexually and intellectually.
Before you start worrying too much about his feelings (or about correcting him) ask yourself if it's worth it.
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It sounds to me that he recognizes that he has very little staying power and he's just trying to turn it around and put it on you. The vagina does become "looser" feeling after childbirth but that certainly doesn't sound like the case for you. Since it seems as though he has some problems holding back before you have had an orgasm you could try asking him to spend some time performing a bit of foreplay. It's not fair of him to only think of himself during sex and then to have the nerve to say it's somehow your fault makes it even worse. Talk to him honestly and openly. Hopefully he'll be receptive to your needs and things will get better. Hope this helps somewhat!
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I would just find different ways to spice up your sex life. It happens. Honestly i can say 97 precent of the time my sex life with my husband sucks. you just have to turn your self on sometimes or make him do what you want. or play around a little while before having sex.
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