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Confused: I want him, but I don't want his kids.
I am in one of the best relationships I have ever been in. I am 43 yrs old and finally found the one guys that i have so much in common with. He makes me laugh, we talk about anything, the * is great. He is truly my prince. But he has a lot or baggage. Huge baggage. He has 3 kids and he is the sole provider of these kids. He has 2 twin boys that are only 5 and one 12 yr old. The twins were born as premies and they have all sorts of health issues, along with ADHD and the mother was on crack when she had them. His 12 yr old is ADHD and a introvert. Me and this guy have been dating for a yr. He so desperately wants me to move in and get married. I have a son 22 and a daughter 9. I simply do not want to start over raising kids. And I feel kinda weird with the thought of my daughter growing up in a house with these many boys. I have plenty of baby sitters so everytime I see this guys (mostly weekends) I don't have my daughter. Its much harder for him. He is trying to blend the family. I keep telling him I don't want that. I am not equipped to take this on, but it so hard for me to just walk away. I have not spend any time with his kids and that is ok with him, but not with me. I feel like he is living this fantasy life when were together. I am honest with him and tell him all the time. Stop getting serious, I do not want to be anyones step mom. I think it's more the health issues. They stay sick and in the hospital. I want to support him and love him but this is more then I can handle. I think I just scarred of being alone. Not to many people are knocking down the door to take out 43 yr old women these day. I have been divorced for 5 yrs therfore I have gotten a chance to know myself. I am very good with kids, but after a while I need my peace and space. I am wondering should I just walk away? I think i know the answer but sometimes it good to hear it from others.
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Yes, you should probably walk away.
He's a package deal. He knows it too. If he is envisioning a big happy blended family, and you are not, there isn't much compromise to discover.
You can 'talk it out' but talking isn't going to change the fact you've already decided what you want and who you want to be and it's incompatibility with what he IS. Not what simply what he wants, but what he IS. He IS the father of these children, forever and for the next decade or more, it will be a full time job with the added stress of their medical issues.
You've already determined that isn't the life for you. You seem very earnest and clear about that.
You want to support him and love him, but only on your own terms. That isn't going to work.
Talk all you want, but in the end you owe it this guy to walk away. He is looking for a co-parent. You don't want to co-parent his children. That's the deal breaker.
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This is a tough situation
Some people will look at this in 2 terms
However, My advice is sometimes when we want to be with someone we have to learn to except the children as well. As you stated you two have been dating for a year and sometimes in the process it takes awhile to adjust. This is something you need to sit down and discuss with your partner.
Now for the part you may not want to hear:
To lay out you don't want his kids may really shoot your boyfriend down to his knees, If you feel hard on the fact that you don't want his kids in your life I would start to realize it may not go the way you want it too. Nobody is expected to choose their spouse over their own kids.
I believe you are looking at the situation negatively try to look at the positive outcome, It could be one big happy family. However, I have to say if you honestly feel you can't do it then you need to tell him. I'm glad you are honest with yourself and aren't one to be blinded by love.
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its a good thing your honest and your judgment is not clouded by love. i think you are looking at this a very logical way. i know some people might tell you if you love him enough you will not mind all this. but to tell you the truth i don't think that love is enough in such cases. i myself am a logical person and i would think the way you are thinking. in addition, you have responsibility towards your kids first, specially your daughter. i think you should consider letting this one go if you even have one percent doubt about you being able to take own other responsibilities specially "health ones". i think your fair, and honest about it all, and you shouldn't doubt your decision. you can even make this easier by imagining your life if you merged the two families, and ask your self, is the happy times more than the sad complicated ones? however, there is another side to this, if you choose to merge the families and really truly be a good mum to his kids you will be doing a really good thing. but you have to be sure and honest if your up to it or not.
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