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Am I wrong to expect my son to respect me as his mother?
I am the mother of 5 sons. We were always very close. Three years ago, my 2nd born was married to a girl he had been dating for several years. Both were in their mid to late twenties and already well established in their respective careers. It became evident after the engagement, that she did not care for our family very much. At the wedding reception, when the happy couple went around and visited each table after dinner, she decided that she would only visit those tables on her side and not ours. Our son did carry on and visited the rest of the tables despite her snub. After she had danced with her father, and he with her mother, my son came over and asked me to dance. It was so beautiful and I still cherish that time. He came over to his father and asked him to dance with the bride. At the start of the next dance, my husband walked straight across the dance floor to her and asked if she would dance with him. She looked him straight in the eye and said "NO".
In 2009, my dear mom died and I was devastated. My son called me and told me he was sorry for my loss. It was a terrible time. Later, I realized his wife didn't call me or even send a card. I was still emotional but I felt he should know this upset me. I emailed and told him how hurt I was, and felt that she didn't have any respect for me. As his mother, the person that gave birth to him he should give me respect for at least giving birth to him. I could not believe his response! He said I had to earn his respect, and "should the bastard son of a crack whore give her respect just because she gave birth to him?" Those words keep echoing in my mind. I cannot get over the hurt they caused and broke my heart.
I need advice on how I can move on with my life. I especially would welcome advice from other mothers. I don't know if I should talk to him or show him how much he hurt me, give him silence and maybe having my husband standing with me and saying how dare he did this to your mother. He didn't say anything to him back then. I feel all alone. I have no females in my family. Just males, they can't understand a mothers heart. Please help me. I would appreciate your feedback.
BTW - I've never done crack or any other drug. I homeschooled all of my boys through high school and all except my 18 year old have done exceptionally well in college. And my 'baby' will be starting next semester!
Jann (55 Female)
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Listen as a stranger I would like to say that I am very sorry for your lost. I know I'm 17 and my response might not matter but I think you should tell him how upset you are. My mother has about 8 kids mostly boys in the house now and we are struggling. I'm her oldest girl and I respect my mother completely cause without her I wouldn't be here today. Let him know that his wife might be the biggest bitch ( excuse my language but your story upsets me) in the world and that her love can change to hate but your love is forever. Remind him that when he was a kid that you was the only woman in the world who took care of him the way no one else could. Tell him that no woman in the world can deal with him the way that you did, tell him that you are always going to be there and his wife is currupting him in a way that it hurts for you to witness. Let him know cause in the end you won't be here forever. Then what will he do? My mother always said that love can set you free but in this case that isn't true cause it seems like he's being caged in and that isn't right. If he still doesn't understand then let me know. After you talk to him let me know what happens i would like to know.
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I'm not sure I can explain, in fact I know I can't explain why your son responded as he did. What I might be able to do is give you some insight into the other side of things from the male prospective. I do agree your daughter in-law was quite rude not to dance at her wedding with her husband.
My wife never really cared for my parents and in her defence she had good reason. I on the other hand got the better end of the deal as far as in-laws go. While I was welcomed with open arms and good ethnic cooking. My wife was always kept at a distance. While my family was never religious the fact that my wife and I were of two different religions may have been my mothers reason. On my in-laws side of the family they were very religious and my being of a different religion and background didn't seem to bother them.
It has always been that the son joins the women's family more so then the women joins the mans family. The old saying goes something like; "I didn't lose a daughter I gained a son. The women has been, still is and will most likely continue to be the center and backbone of the family. She bears the children, nurtures them and does just about everything for them regardless of how liberated she may feel she is.
None of this explains why your son is the way he Si or the answer he sent. Mothers can and do over mother their sons at times and maybe your son feel you did this. It could be your daughter in-law is reacting to how and what your son has told her about how he was raised and what he felt he endured. It may be he felt being home schooled caused him to miss out on much of life, or other things.
Before you put all the blame on her remember one thing. She has only recently come into your life. Something must have given her what she feels is just cause to feel this way towards you.
I know this is kind of a harsh answer and not the one you want to hear. What I'm asking or suggesting that before you look to place blame look inward first.
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You actually need to treat your son, and his wife, as the individual people they are.
It sounds me as though your son has actually made an effort to maintain some closeness with you, and respect you as his parent, despite his wife's feeling about you.
Although I can understand why his comment hurt you so deeply, the truth is that he has a point. When your children grow up they don't respect you simply because you gave birth to them, they come to respect you as person as well as a parent. Your behavoir counts, not just the birth process. I suspect that was his point. But obviously your behavoir did earn you his basic respect :Your son paid you the courtesy of calling you! It is his wife who didn't.
It his wife who seems to not respect you, and also, to not know you at all.
As a twenty something myself, let me give you this advice: Many young couples no longer see a married couple as a single entity. You seem to think of your son as though he was responsible for his wife's snubs. This might have made a great deal of sense to people of your generation, but to many people of mine, it was impolite to hold your son accountable when HE did the polite thing and called, but your daughter in law did not.
To use your husband to continue your accusations against your son would be continuing this pattern of holding his responsible for his wife's behavoir. It would be the wrong move and would further alienate both of them. It would also be unkind, even a bully tactic. Please don't do that.
Do your tell your son that his comment hurt you, but instead of continuing to treat him as though it's his FAULT his wife doesn't behave the way you'd like (and she is rude, I'm not defending here, however if you want a relationship with your son, then you are going to have to manage the relationship with your son, and stop confusing your displeasure with her, as disrespect from him.)
So, instead of continuing that, tell him you feel alienated from him and have trouble understanding his wife's feelings towards you. Tell him you'd like to heal any breach that exists, and that you'd like to better understand them both.
Reach out with him with a desire to understand, to build more honest and respect, and to heal the confusions and pains of the past. It might not work, but it is the approach which will get you closest to the relationship you desire.
Of course I can only go by what I see here in your question, but what I see here is a young man who is doing his best, even though his wife isn't. It's very possible his comment had very little to with you.
Instead of escalating the fight that he might not have meant to inspire, perhaps it's time to start asking your son what he'd like from his relationship with you, and how you might create a more cordially relationship with his wife if possible as well. His comment in that e-mail screams of a young man who feels his mother is out of touch with the reality of his life - if you want to heal the relationship, it's time to stop demanding things be done on your terms and start to listen and negotiate terms of the relatioship with your adult child.
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I may not be a parent but i sure am a daughter so hopefully this helps.
It sounds as if he's angry. He'll be more than aware of his wife's disdain towards you and with you then voicing your problem with his wife, he could have seen this as an attack on his wife. Remember here that this is the woman that he has chosen to spend his life with and to create his own family. Once you got married and had your own kids, was anything more important to you than them?
Give your son a few days to cool off and then invite both he and his wife over to talk, have your husband with you for support. It's clear that you and your daughter-in-law will never play happy families but perhaps, for the sake of your son - as you both love him - and the rest of your family, agree to be civil towards eachother. Even take the oppertunity to ask her why she doesnt like you.
Remind your son that you love him regardless of anything and that you still want to be part of his life, you just want him to treat you as a son and not with malice, which isnt asking for much. Instead of pulling out the mother card just approach the subject calmy and in an assertive manner. Treat him like the adult he is not your little boy.
All you can do is try to talk to him and figure out the problem with the hope of a resolution. Your daughter-in-law has been flat out rude throughout and you dont deserve that. If theres a chance on maintaining a relationship with your son then grab it with both hads and if its going to happen, she needs to change the way she treats you.
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