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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
What do you do if theres a person in school who really hates you. she brings all her problems from outside school into school so that they school get involved. but its not their business and shes sending me nasty texts sayn that im dead and all. but i owed her 62p. and the school takes her side and says give her the 62p back which was outside school but they dont care about the texts shes sending me and their far worse. my form teacher is mean to me to. she takes that girls side over my side. what should i do?
The Answer
You pay her back, and tell the teachers if she doesn't stop the txts.
So what it happened outside of school! The teachers see an obvious solution the end this feud: Pay her back. You know you owe her, so give her the money.
Do it, and then she'll be completely in the wrong if she harasses you, instead of you both being at fault. If you worried your teacher isn't taking you seriously, speak to another teacher or principal, but first things first, pay the damn girl back.
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The Question
When I first met my boyfriend of one year we never talked about our sexual past. It wasn't until 9 months into our relationship that he started to ask me questions about it. I have had a pretty wild sexual past. When I was single in college, I had almost 30 sexual partners. I have never had a problem with infidelity and have always been faithful when I was in a relationship. Furthermore, I had some crazy experiences after college. I also slept with my boss, who I started dating several months after I took the job. Anyway, at first I didn't tell him how many sexual partners I had had. He is separated from his wife because she cheated on him while they were married. I thought that if I told him the truth in the beginning that he wouldn't be able to trust me and think that I could not be faithful because of my sexual past, let alone think of me as a slut(which I sadly admit I was and I am more than ashamed of it now). Anyway, he is a smart man and sooner enough he figured-out that I had lied to him. Finally, he broke up with me for lying to him about it. When we broke up, I finally came clean because I figured I had nothing to lose. We ended up getting back together. However, things have not been pretty since we got back together. Now, almost every 15 days he keeps getting reminded about my sexual past. He says that I am not the marrying type and that my past speaks a lot about my future. I am deeply in love with him and our sex and time we spend together is incredible. He just flips out at random times about my past. He is also upset that I wasn't honest with him. However, in a way, I regret being honest with him now because it's like he loves me and hates me and sometimes wants a future with me and sometimes doesn't. I don't know what to do or how to make him see past my past. Furthermore, he is constantly curious about whether my exes from my past still call me, or write to me or message me on Facebook. He just doesn't trust me no matter what I do. However, I am so confused because even though he gets upset and tells me he hates my past and I was such a slut, he asked me to move in with him recently. I do not know what's going on. I love him and want to move in with him but if I am "not the marrying type," do you think he will he ever change his mind and possibly want to marry me some day? I also have had sexual encounters with different races, and that seems to bother him a lot. He has slept with over 50 women and has been with ALL races, but he seems to get so mad that I have been with a different race. I think it's hypocritical right? Please help. We love each other and I feel like saving my relationship. Everything is perfect except these moments that he flips out very two weeks.
The Answer
Yeah... this guy just isn't a great match for you.
You made a mistake not being upfront about your choices then, and your choices now. But you made that mistake because you thought (and you were right) that he couldn't understand or accept a person would change and grow in their sexuality and their sexual choices (despite his personal life experience...)
Neither of you are bad, bad people. You just aren't great people for each other. You try to avoid and hide out of misplaced shame, and keep the peace by lying and pretending to be weak. He tries to bully and shame you of hypocritical beliefs about female sexuality and value. That situation is like throwing a match into a gas tank. It’s going to go badly: The weaker you try to be to appease him, the stronger form his attacks and attempts to shame you will take.
Will he change his mind? Maybe. But it does seem unlikely, doesn't it? It seems like he is the kind of person who can't see who you are, because of who he imagines you were. It seems he is the kind of person that, even if he does marry you, will call you a slut every time he dislikes something you did, every time he feels insecure or angry. It seems like you don’t have the strength and conviction to tell him he is wrong, and that your past choices didn’t make you a slut then (they didn’t) and that you aren’t a slut now (you aren’t) and that he is an ass who is using a vile term to shame and control you because he isn’t comfortable with women being able to make the same choices about sex that he, a man, is allowed to make.
End it. Even if it lasted for ever, it would not be a happily ever after situation. You feed off the worse in one another. Walk away.
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The Question
I don't smoke, I just want to know.
I hear all sorts of rumors, such as:
- It makes you stupid
- It damages brain cells
- It contains the same carcinogens as cigarettes
Are any of these true? Are there any other physiological / psychological effects?
The Answer
Sighs.
The trouble with coming to the internet, is you are going to get some shit answers.
Weed is addictive. It technically makes the cut as chemically addictive. 20 years ago when people were first studying the effects of marijuana, scientists came to the conclusions that it was not chemically addictive like nicotine, or cocaine, or caffeine. More resent studies have shown those conclusions were wrong: Marijuana is addictive. Much, much less addictive than many of the drugs we think of as addictive, but the possibility for a chemical dependency exists.
Marijuana does not 'kill brain cells'. What it does do, is addle the function of neurotransmitters so the brain cannot complete all the tasks it normally could. When you smoke only very occasionally, weed has been shown to decrease your ability to handle abstract thought and acquire new information. In chronic smokers, the effect is more pronounced and can extend to difficulty with short term memory.
So, no brain cells are being damaged or killed, but the brain is being effected. It's especially problematic if you are at a place in your life where learning and adapting is important, like in school or early on in your career. Many studies are now suggesting that this impairment lasts for days after you smoke - not just the duration of the high.
Anyone who says "Marijuana is a natural plant" should be reminded that hemlock is a natural plant too, and it's one of the most deadly poisons out there. Natural doesn't mean good. Natural can be bad for us too.
Weed doesn't include as many carcinogenics as cigarettes - not even close by a long shot! Of course there is the possibility of pesticides and other things included in the weed you buy, but it's still no were close the cigarettes. However, smoking ANYTHING increases your risk of throat and lung cancer slightly. So although weed does not come with the same cancer risk as cigarettes, it's still a bit worse than not smoking at all.
The other physiological/psychological effects really depend on you. Your body. Your mind. Your chemistry. Everyone's body interacts with drugs differently. Some people find weed upsets them, stresses them out, makes them paranoid and twitchy. Some people will smoke everyday for years and then walk away from it without any withdrawal. What I mentioned before are cold hard facts, but much of the risk is personal risk. You never do know quite how something will effect you, and you never know if it might effect you very differently the next time.
I don't have anything against casual smokers - there were years in my life where I was one. I think it should be decriminalized and people should be free to choose. I just wish those who supported marijuana use were honest about what the choice was and didn't buy into myths of it being harmless, or ‘all natural’ and good for you. No psychotropic’s are completely harmless or good for everyone (that means, things that effect the functioning of your brain) be them caffeine, or sugar or cocaine. You are eating something MEANT to alter your brain state - there are going to be downsides to that. Accept it and be honest about it.
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The Question
Ok so I asked my mom if she could get me on birth control pills like a month ago because I'm already having protected sex but I'd rather be safe then sorry. She kind of freaked a little bit but she got over it and said yes. The problem is...now it's a month later and she said she would make the appointment with my doctor when I asked her but she hasn't yet...it seems like she's just forgotten about it completely. I want to remind her but I don't want to just be like "Hey, what about my birth control!?" because it's kind of a touchy subject and I dont want her to think I'm having sex (she doesn't know I already do). So how do I subtly remind her about this?
The Answer
Don't be subtle.
Tell her "Mom. Remember when we agreed about getting birth control? I want to make an appointment now."
She hasn't forgotten. Parents don't forget that shit - they have nightmares about it. She is doing the classic thing that human beings do. She is trying to pretend it doesn't exist and hoping it will go away.
Sorry hun, you are going to have to remind her. You could even offer(threaten) to call the doctor yourself. But you are going to have to remind your mother clearly and firmly, so she knows it wasn't just a passing thing, that would go away if she ignores it.
Just remember it's as frightening and uncomfortable for her as it is for you. So have some patience and let her tell you what she needs to tell you, and be honest and open with her.
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The Question
First of all, my boyfriend and I have been dating for like 1 1/2 years. I love him and I don't think he's a bad person, but I've really been having a problem with the way he treats me lately. We always hang out everyday after school until 4 (so like 30 minutes) and then we hang out every friday night from 7-10:30. Now, it's not that I have a problem with the amount of time we get to hang out, I just HATE how it's so scheduled...I feel like he doesn't even want to hang out with me outside of the schedule unless he wants to do sexual stuff. He never wants to break the schedule :( I just want to have a carefree "see each other when we feel like it" thing so it's fun and spontaneous, but he's more focused on keeping everything in order so he can get home and play his videogames for the rest of the day. I guess I just feel like he puts my feelings 2nd to videogames. I've already tried bringing this up to him many times and he just says I'm "accussing him of being a terrible boyfriend and I need to understand that he isn't going to part from his hobbies for me"...but I didn't ever ask him to do that. I'm glad he has hobbies but I just don't understand why he has to schedule his entire life, including me, based on his videogames...I don't know it just makes me feel like I'm not very special, I'm just part of the schedule to him...I don't really know what I'm asking, I just need advice please. Thanks.
The Answer
Make a plan, and ask him to join you.
You are being unreasonable, not because of what you want, but because you are sitting around and whining about your vague desire without actually doing anything productive about it.
So make a plan. Surely he can give up a night of video gaming to go out with you, to have a picnic, to see a play, to make pancakes? To do something you both enjoy and can share? You’d have a much better argument if you were to say “Next Tuesday I really want to do X with you, I know it’ll cut into video game time, but it’s just for a day.”
You can't just say "I want from 4pm to 7pm to do the exact same shit we do every day from 7pm to 10pm AND I want you to want it too!" That is never going to work, and it shouldn’t work. That’s just needy and demanding in the worst sort of way.
You see a hell of a lot of each other. It's not unreasonable for him to go home and have, between chores and talking to his parents and such, probably only about 2 hours to himself before seeing you again. In fact, it’s probably a large part of what keeps him sane and happy in your relationship. As an introverted person myself, I need to be alone for an hour or two a day or I snap.
Stop trying to intrude on that time just because having would make you feel special-er.
If you want to break the routine, make a plan for special time for the both of you to share, whether it eats into video games or not. You don’t have a problem with the quantity of time you spend together, just with the quality. So figure out some quality things you’d like to do, and ask him to join you.
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The Question
there's this guy friend. according to all who know him, he's kind of a player, he makes out with girls (or more heh), bt doesn't want a relationship (a really friendly guy though). the problem is i like him but i only want him as a kissing friend. I have witnessed lots of messed-up relationships among my friends it made me somewhat relationship-phobic. im currently busy studying, and I really dont have time for a relationship (makeout might be good for studying stress, or so i've heard). and i dont wanna involve sex in this. i really really just wanna be kissing friends (like sex buddies, but sex-less). is that weird? and what do guys in general think of that? and how do i make it happen? pls comment
The Answer
You are missing a huge, important part of Friends with Benefits (even if that benefit is only kissing) and that's the friends part. Being friends, is a relationship. A friend with benefit is a kind of relationship! Period. It's different than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but it's still a relationship, and it comes with all the emotional risk and troubles, that all relationships come with.
That's life. Accept it. Deal with it. Other people exist, and if you want any of kind of relationship with any of them, you are going to have to enter into relationships with them. That will always carry some degree of risk.
Is just wanting to kiss someone weird? No. Not at all. Is it something you can get from this person? Maybe. Sounds like you could. Is it going to be a good, non-messed-up arrangement? No! Drama and confusion will happen!
You are teens who are going around hooking up with many different people! This is going to get messed up! People are going to gossip. Shit will be said. Confusion will ensue, maybe not for you, but for somebody! Guaranteed. The price you pay for hooking up with people is that shit gets awkward and emotions get entangled and more often than not someone gets hurt, at least a little bit and often more than that. That someone might be you.
The question is never “How do I make this so I never have to take a risk with someone?” because the answer to that question is “If you can’t take a risk, go live in a hole.”
The question is “Is the risk worth it? Is it worth it to me to enter into this specific kind of relationship with a person, knowing that I will never have perfect control of where it leads?”
That’s the question you need to answer. That is the risk you need to take, or not take.
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The Question
My family is very stern about meeting the guys I date. I usually wait to see how the relationship goes before I introduce them to each other. In the past my boyfriends have gotten along good with my family, but I am nervous about this one. My boyfriend has red orange hair and I am afraid my parents will judge me. They've always made jokes about people with orange colored hair and I don't want to be teased. I want my boyfriend to feel comfortable, more so. He's very sweet and I want my parents to see how happy he makes me. But I am scared they'll be so mean. Any advice?
The Answer
Talk to them about it first.
I once had a boyfriend who was sweet as pie, and really liked wearing pink. I was terrified that he'd wear his favourite pink shirt to meet my parents. I also didn't want to tell him he couldn't wear his favourite clothes to my parent’s home...
So. I called my dad and said "Dad, I need to tell you. James wears a lot of pink. He likes it and I think it's cool he likes it. I know this is exactly the sort of thing you'd tease a guy about, so this is me, your daughter who loves you, asking you NOT to tease him, at least not the first time you meet him. Okay?"
And my dad cracked a few jokes on the phone, teased me sometimes about 'guys who wear pink' but never teased my boyfriend to his face about wearing pink. (As they got to know each other, the teased each other about other things, but my dad never took him out for the pink shirts.)
If your parents are otherwise polite and generous people, ask them, as a favour and sign of respect to you their daughter, to leave the orange hair be. You might be surprised. They might just come through for you.
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The Question
My school offered me an internship to Singapore, its one of the most progressive countries in Asia and this could be my big break if I want to succeed in Marketing. My concern is I have never been to another country in fact I have never left my home town. I'm scared that I'd unknowingly break some laws and be fined huge or that I'd starve. If anyone can tell me about the laws and the amount of money I'd need to survive the country I'd be very thankful. By the way I'm Jayce, 18 & female.
The Answer
So, what are you actually afraid of?
Your anxious, unrealistic fears are much like being afraid of a nuclear holocaust or a zombie attack.
These are silly, unrealistic stories which people often worry about when they aren’t able to talk about their real fears. When thier real fears are just too big for words.
My guess: You are more afraid of trying and failing, then you are of starving or being arrested. It’s just easier to imagine starving, then it is failing at your desired career.
Take a deep breath. Don’t drive yourself to distraction with ideas of alien attacks and foreign labour camps. Those are absurd. Instead, why not make a list of things you could do to help you feel more prepared? Are there a list of books you’d like to read? Skills you want to acquire? Wardrobe items?
Also write down a list of questions you have about the internship and then brainstorm where you can get those answers.
Do some of the concrete, real work to think about this opportunity and how to get there, rather than letting your imagination run away with the unknowables.
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The Question
A friend that I see a couple of times a year has been pushing a lot lately to hang out more often. I am struggling with whether I WANT her to be a larger part of my life or not.
A little bit of background information:
When we were in high school we were very close and I spent a lot of time with her and her family. One day out of nowhere (I felt) she lashed out at me saying I was trying to be like her (copy her) and that I was jealous of her family and wanted to be a part of her family (her tone and wording made it clear that was a negative way for me to feel).
I was so hurt by these words. I had really enjoyed being included in some of her family celebrations, her family did feel like a second family to me. My family was going through some issues at the time and I found their easy going attitudes refreshing and stable. The rejection hurt me so deeply that years later I still get emotional over it, and I am teary eyed typing this.
She stopped talking to me for several months and over that summer, but when school started back up in September she acted like nothing had happened and wanted to be friends again. She even said “I can’t even remember why we stopped talking!”
I missed her enough to pretend I couldn’t remember either but I was never comfortable with her anymore and never allowed myself to get close to her again. I certainly did not spend much time at her parents’ home, as that was a raw nerve (and still is) and her parents questioned me the few times I was there about why I stopped coming over. That was difficult because, even though they were very welcoming, there was that seed that my friend didn’t feel the same warm welcoming feeling about me.
We went off to didn't schools and I considered the friendship over like others once you move away for schools. She, however, has always tried to keep it going through text and emails and inviting me out periodically.
Recently she has been trying to make more and more plans, and I have been giving in more and more often. There is a part of me that wishes we could go back to the beginning and be as close as before, but there is another part of me that fears further rejection if I put myself out there for her to hurt again.
I realize we have grown up, and I realize we are not in high school anymore, and that she probably wouldn’t do the same thing as a rational adult, but I am still torn over whether I should open up to her again or not.
Any advice would be appreciated
The Answer
It's tempting to believe a rational adult would let go of the selfish prejudices of their teenage self - tempting, but not realistic. Some people never grow up.
Ask yourself this question:
Are you enjoying your time with her?
Are pleasant times you are currently having together worth overcoming the past, so you can enjoy more of them?
To get over what happened, you are going to need to confront it head on as adults. You’re going to need to take a moment to tell her, or write her, and express your desire for a stronger friendship AND the worry that is holding you back. Take a moment to express, that although you were young at the time, that because of the difficult place you were in your life, her words hurt you very deeply, perhaps much deeper than she intended or could imagine.
It’s not about blame or forgiveness - You sound like you’ve long since forgiven her (and you might want to tell her as much) but the pain of that fight cut very deep and you need to her to know that is what the stumbling block to a closer friendship is.
Right away, by her response, you’ll know if she is capable of apologizing and acknowledging childish errors, or if she will stubbornly defend her younger self’s cruel behaviour.
It sounds to me, that given her attempts to connect with you, she probably never recognized how deeply she hurt you. That argument that changed your life so drastically, might have only seemed to her to be a bad fight that blew over.
What I’m suggesting is scary: Because it does make you vulnerable. You’re putting a really intimate truth out there and risking the friendship.
But it’s the only way you’ll know. It’s the only way you’ll be able to heal and get on the same page.
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The Question
Long story short.i was drinking at a party and some guy started kissing me and bit my neck. i pushed him off of me and went home. my boyfriend realized i had a small red mark on my neck from the guy and broke up with me.after him yelling at me and me crying he agreed that were not back together yet till he can trust me. he asked me to delete every guy on my facebook and cell phone. i did so. i've never felt so lost. i dont know how to gain his trust back, i've never been in this situation. help pleaseee!
The Answer
There is not enough information in your question to advise you about much. You made the story too short.
Did you kiss this person back? Did you ask him to kiss you? Did you push him off immediately? Did you leave after the incident?
If you ended this immediately, and left the situation, then you need to tell your boyfriend to that isn't cheating when someone takes advantage of you. It isn't cheating when you push them off and say "No." If you didn't choose to kiss this person back, it's not cheating. It's called assault and you were a victim.
If you didn't choose to make out with this person, then you didn't cheat. You were assaulted at a party. You might make better choices in the future about parties and drinking - but even if you don't, it wasn't your fault - and even if you, it is possible to be assaulted in this way while perfectly sober. I was walking with a friend once who was grabbed by a totally stranger and kissed on the hand - She didn't cheat on her boyfriend, she was assaulted. She could have pressed charges is that particular situation. It's not okay to go around kissing and biting people without their consent.
Unless you have a habit of getting too drunk to function, your boyfriend's request that you delete all men off your face book and phone is extreme and irrational.
If you choose to kiss him, admit it and apologize and make rational concessions to earn his trust back. If you didn't choose to kiss him, if you didn't have any choice in the matter, if you stopped him and removed yourself from the situation, then you didn't cheat, and you need to tell your boyfriend very clearly that cheating is a choice, and you didn't get a choice.
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The Question
I'm fifteen. In a hurry to leave to the bus stop, I usually make breakfast quick and eat it standing up by the counter. My mom always complains about it, and once she told me that it's not good for my health to eat while standing. Lately I've been wondering if that's true, or she's just telling me that so I will eat slower.
I feel dumb, but does eating while standing really affect your health?
Thanks!
The Answer
Eating too quickly is never a great idea - increases choking possibilities, can make you feel sick, could lead to over eating and probably means you aren't chewing your food thoroughly either - which in the long run could cause you stomach troubles.
Sitting down would probably slow you down a bit, and that would be a good thing. Her reasoning might be wrong, but her suggestion is a good one.
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The Question
I've been dating my boyfriend for a while now. We get along good and have mutual interests, and a pretty good chemistry. I spend every weekend, as well as Tuesdays and Thursdays with him. He lives about thirty minutes away, and we go to different schools, so we don't see each other as often.
In person, we are always laughing, always talkative, always sharing thoughts and memories. But when I call him, there is always something else more important going on. He's either watching television or playing video games, and I'm not a naggy person so I let him have his fun. But lately it's been so annoying. I'm always talking and there's just silence and the background noise from the tv from his line. He takes a few minutes for him to respond to things. I told him I wasn't going to call him if he's always distracted. He apologized and turned off the tv but the next time I called he kept the tv on when I threatened to hang up.
So how do I tell him firmly that I want to talk to him without so many distractions?
Thanks. I'm fifteen, and he's sixteen.
The Answer
Before you sink your claws into him, take a deep breath and consider: What if your boyfriend, the person he honestly is, is a person who just doesn’t really like talking on the phone.
Yes. What he is doing is rude, and you can tell him as much. But instead of starting this conversation by demanding he change to make you happy, why not open up a conversation about what would make you both happy?
Give him some space, without your judgement and without fear of your getting angry with him, to tell you how he feels about these phone calls.
Let’s be serious: Every weekend and two weeknights a week is a good deal of time for a healthy teenage relationship. I live with my partner, and we probably only spend that much QAULITY time together. The rest of our time together is spent cleaning, working, running to and from places, at work, out with others... ect. Two evening plus weekends of QUALITY time together, is a good, positive amount of time to be commiting to a serious relationship.
Let’s be every more serious: People run out of shit to say. We get tired. We get distracted. Conversation isn't everyone's idea of a relaxing thing to do.
Perhaps you can speak to your boyfriend about making an agreement like, not calling during shows he particularly likes, or not speaking for more than 20 minutes. Although he shouldn’t be acting rudely, you also need to be open to compromises that work for him. That might mean calling less, at different times, having shorter conversations, or shit: Write him an e-mail and let him respond at his own pace.
It’s fair to ask him not to be rude.
It’s not fair to insist he feel the same way about phone conversations that you do.
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The Question
long story short.
im 20, have a 10 month old daughter, her father lives with me and my parents. when we get along we are best friends, when we fight he says terrible things. you could basically compare our life to an eminem song. mainly love the way you lie, because it has gotten physical. on xmas, my stepdad threatend BD (babydaddy) because he was sick of him taking advantage of this situation, he has not worked in 7 months, doesnt help and sleeps like all of the time. that gave BD more power than he needed because afterwards he played the if you love me you wouldnt let him do that card. i said fine and kept our daughter from my parents for a month. on valentines day i ended up calling the police on him for getting violent again, my family ended up finding out. after 2 weeks i let him come home and everything has been cool except one night my brother came in and beat him up at 2 in the morning. i yelled at my brother and havent spoken to him since. everything has been going somewhat smooth until yesterday when he accused me of talking to my brother behind his back (which i wasnt even aware i wasnt allowed to talk to him) he the proceeded to tell me i have to tell my brother hes not allowed at our family functions and my daughter is never allowed to be at my stepdads family functions if im not there. (those people are basically my family) I told him that im not going to keep her from any of my family and he doesnt have to be around them but im not keeping her away. he says this means i dont love him and we ended up getting in a bad fight and he brought up the something from my past (my brother innapropriatley pretended to do things to me when i was 10, he didnt actually do anything but he made me very uncomfortable) so BD said that i need to go fuck my brother and have a threesome with my stepdad and brother and kept yelling at me about how i was molested and liked it and saying terrible things. He tryed to leave "forever" and I freaked, begging him not to go. he raised his fist once but didnt hit me, but did leave marks on my forearms from moving me and now today my arm is in serious pain. i dno if its from that tho. after valentines day i swore i wouldnt listen to it anymore and i wouldnt feel it anymore. i have so much hope for us. counseling created more problems because the counseler was an idiot and told me that i need to let him sleep all day because i cant control him...which gave him the power again. i dont kno what to do, he wants to move out next week...i want to get out of my moms and live this life with him and our daughter and be happy but that means agreeing to distance frommy family who will ALWAYs have my back and be there for me. i love him to pieces and i dk how i would even leave him after 4 years. he refuses to put a ring on my finger and in our fights he will tell me its my fault for being such a dumb cunt. i know i make him out to be terrible, but at times he can be the sweetest. and it would kill me for him to go meet another woman, who he loves, treats right and takes care of. it would make me feel like it really was me that is wrong. i just dont know how to handle this any more, things were going alright until yesterday and i cant even concentrate with out tearing up. our friends want us to work it out, and they know our history and they know we are also best friends and deeply in love but i just dont know...
The Answer
This man doesn't have your back. He isn't supporting you or your child.
He is going to hit you. Probably sooner, rather than later. He is going to abuse your child.
There is no reason, none at all, to believe he won't. Everything, absolutely everything he is saying and doing paints the picture of someone who is going beat the shit out of you sooner or later.
Your fantasy of having a happy life with a home with him and your daughter is just that - a fantasy. And if you are going to protect both of you, you'll need to face the facts and let that fantasy go. It's not going to happen. Not tomorrow, probably not years from now. Let it go.
You don't 'make him out to be terrible'.
His behaviour is legitimately terrible. He is behaving like a terrible boyfriend who abuses you, isolates you, bullies you and threatens you. He is behaving like a terrible father who uses his daughter as a pawn in his fight with her grandparents. He is behaving like a horrible provider who won't take his responsibilities seriously. He is behaving like a horrible roommate who makes you live in fear.
All and all, it's a horrible situation for you to be in. It's a horrible situation for your child to be in. You owe it to her to get the hell out now.
You don't have to perfect in order to deserve a boyfriend who doesn't abuse you. You don't have to be an angel all the time. You could be a total bitch. It doesn't matter. You still deserve better.
Don't worry. He won't treat the next girl right. Even if it looks like he does (and it might just *look* that way) it doesn't mean for a second that it had anything to do with you. His behaviour is completely and solely his fault. It will probably be a very, very long time before he is capable of treating another human being with respect and care. YOU have a child. YOU can't afford to sit around and wait for him to decide to behave decently.
YOU, and your child, need to get out. This is not love, this is dependance, fear and abuse.
He needs to be alone, for a long while, and work on his behaviour. You might have issues you need to work on as well, with a different counsellor even, but in the meantime, he needs to leave. Whatever your problems might be, it doesn't make his okay. The only way he stops having power in this situation, is when you stop giving it to him, and tell him it's over, get out.
End the relationship. Talk to your mother and determine confirm that he MUST move out next week. No turning back. No second chances.
Call a woman's abuse hotline, or drop in center in your area, and ask for counselling and legal aid.
Make sure he can see his child, but don't allow him to be along in the room with you and your baby. Have someone you trust in the room with you. The court can help you enforce this if you need too.
Things were not going all right until yesterday. Things have been very wrong for a very long time. Take this crisis as a chance to start making them right. First step: Get him out. Second step: Get yourself some aid from a women's or teen mother support group in your area.
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The Question
I have my doubts but I think there is a chance that I am currently pregnant for about couple of weeks. I heard that there is a pill you can take that could kill the baby before it develops and I wouldn't be needing a whole operation of aboration.. Is that true, what's that pil called, and how does it work? Thanks in advance
The Answer
You will need to see a doctor. These medications are not available over the counter or at drug stores, they are prescriptions, and in most states and countries, they must be taken in the presence of a health care provider.
You can contact your nearest Plan Parenthood by searching your country and area here: http://www.ippf.org/en/
Talk to them about your options. Medical abortion is not the only kind of abortion and it won't necessarily be the right form for you, or one that is available to you. The doctor or counselor you speak to can explain what your options are, and how each works.
It is vital that your pregnancy be confirmed by a doctor before you do anything to terminate it. If you choose to abort, you need a doctor's expertise and experience to do so safely.
Your next step, no matter what you decision is, is to connect with Planned Parenthood or a similar women's health clinic in your area. You need, and deserve, professional support and guidance, and serious medical advice.
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The Question
I really hate my moms best friend! I know when people are fake. She acts so sweet towards me but I know somethings up! I want to tell her so bad why I dont like her. I txted her last nignt and told her. She replied and said it makes her sad. I really want to talk in person but Idk when or how cause I am not close witb her at all. What should I do?
The Answer
Does your mother know what happened? Perhaps it's time to talk to your mom about your feelings and what has happened. Sooner or later she is going to find out.
Also, you should apologize. Look, it's never nice to call someone up out of the blue and tell them why you think they suck. That is never a polite or okay thing to do.
Talk to your mom about the best thing to do next, and maybe to help you talk in person AND be ready to apologise. Even if what you said was your honest opinion, txting someone you hardly know out of the blue like that was not the appropriate way to handle it. It was mean and hurtful. The kind of thing a bully does. Even if you don’t like your mom’s friend, she is your mom’s friend, and you owe to your mom not to treat her like dirt. You don’t have to like her, but you don’t get to be a bully about it.
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The Question
So here's my question.. What exactly does it mean when someone says "I'm a virgin again"? My boyfriend told me that. When we first started talking he told me this. I mean, I guess it might pretty much mean what it says but I'm not sure. When he first told me this I guess I didn't see the "again" part. But one day we were talking about sex and he told me about this other girl he had sex with and I was so surprised! I thought he said he had never had sex since he was a virgin but I guess I missed the "again" part.
How in the world can you be a virgin again? If you had sex in the past then you arent a virgin.. Like what the heck.
The Answer
It means they don't care about the physical reality, but view their virginity as something religious and/or spiritual.
They have defined themselves, as spiritually virginal. As pure.
There is not objective, physical way to reclaim virginity (for women, there is a sugary that replaces the hymen, but that is not quite the same thing). There is only spiritual and religious beliefs.
You should ask your boyfriend to clarify. It's important for you, as his partner to understand his spiritual beliefs about virginity and his past sexual history.
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The Question
20f Nick -19m
So Nick is 4 hours away playing hockey. Around November me and Nick started talking. I seen him in Dec when he came home for break for a week and then me and my friend went there in Jan to go see him play. Well one weekend when we were there he blew up on me over text saying he couldn't talk to me anymore and that he didn't want to "talk" or date a girl he could never see. I didn't talk to him until a month later when he chatted me on facebook asking how i was doing then I didn't talk to him until last weekend when he texted me saying "Hey can we be friends still, I'm sorry for everything and being a jerk" And then went on to say that I could come to his house sometime in the summer if i wanted and that he'll see me around.
So we're civil you could say. But then I find out that he's now talking to this girl where he is right now. He's going to be coming home within 1-3 weeks depending on how they do in playoffs so I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! Hes coming home for the summer, so he won't see her? He lives where I do, which just makes me mad because he said the reasons he didn't want to talk to me was because he would never get to see me. Yet he's talking to this girl who he wont see all summer. All his teammates and his brother loved me, they all told me I was hot haha and they don't even think this girl is cute. I was never annoying when we were talking or clingy, i did nothing wrong.
Do I have a reason to be a little upset about him talking to this new girl? I haven't talked to him, I just know about him talking to her. I still kind of have feelings for Nick which is why it bothers me a little still :( Ughhh..
The Answer
Sure, you can be disappointed and upset - but that's about all you get.
The truth is whenever anyone says "I don't have enough time for a relationship." or "I don't want to work that hard for a relationship." what they actually mean is that they don't want to work that hard with YOU.
They are trying to be nice, but that is what it actually means. It means the connection they have with you, is not worth the extra work.
And that's okay! You'll probably say the same thing to some guy in your life someday. It's natural and it's all right to make choices like that.
You didn't do anything wrong. You just weren't right for him at the moment when he made his choices - that isn't a reflection on you - but it also doesn't make him a liar.
It's okay to be upset, but you also have to relax a bit. It's always upsetting when someone like someone else. It's always upsetting when you feel like someone else got chosen over you, but it's not betrayal or lying. It's just the kind of shit that happens.
You have no idea what their relationship/friendship means to either of them. Whatever it is, the truth is Nick didn't really want to be with you - at least not enough to make it work long distance. Take a deep breath and let it go.
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The Question
I had sex last night with a guy. The last time we messed around I felt somewhat sore. But this morning, after the 2nd time of us actually going all the way, my vagina is in so much pain. I'm not a virgin if that means anything. My inner lips are red, burning, & swollen. What's happening ? He also was doing the pull out method b/c he didn't have a condom. During our intercourse, he told me he had to stop b/c HE was in pain. I really don't understand at all what has happened... Why would he be in pain from it ?
The Answer
A lack of lubrication could cause both problems - the high friction cuts and hurts you. You are dry and rough and it hurts him.
You also might have an STI. If you make dangerous, risky sexual choices like having sex with out a condom, then you should be getting regular STI checks.
Finally, you might simply be uncomfortable with semen, in general or his specifically. Pulling out does NOT guarantee for one moment that there is no semen from him entering your body - there is. It's just less likely to be viable sperm in it if he pulls out in time. The semen that is there, could have irritated your skin. If you didn't rinse or wash up afterwords, it could have been sitting there making things worse all night.
Go to a doctor. Or to Planned Parenthood. Or another clinic where you can get an exam and STI check. You need to take care of yourself.
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The Question
I know I will probably get a lot of rude replies, but.. I feel it is the best for my child. I am currently going through a divorce, and of course there is a child involved. The thing is, I never wanted to have her, but because of my religion I was unable to get an abortion. During the time I've raised her, I could never love her. I did try with all my being, but I just could not love her. I am also concerned for her because of her father. I feel the reason I can't care about her is because I hate her father. I felt it may be best if I gave up on her and allowed her to live with him and his family. Is me being unable to love her a valid reason to be able to terminate my parental rights?
The Answer
Yes, and given your situation, it might truly be best.
But I'd recommend personally, that you not terminate your parental rights completely. Allowing his family full custody makes sense, but giving up parental rights is a slightly more severe case.
Giving up parental rights completely means if she were to become fatally ill, you might not be able to visit her. If she were in danger in with her father's family for some reason (however unlikely) you would have limited ability to help her. Under the law, you'd be a random stranger.
As a small child you might not love her, but do you think you might one day like her? As an adult do you see a possibility of a friendship? Or of being someone who cares for her as the young person she is?
If your intention is to give her up and never, or extremely rarely, see her again, then giving up your parental rights is a clear way to establish that. If your hatred for her father is of the kind where you cannot have contact with her at all, then giving up all rights would be an honest reflection of what has happened.
But the reason I place that caveat on it, is that several of the children in my family, who were fostered or adopted, have mothers I believe are much like you. Not evil women at all, but women who did not want to be mothers or found they couldn't be mothers, and now as adults in their twenties both they and their biological mothers do truly seem to appear to benefit from a friendship. It is not a mother-child bond, and I doubt any of them desire that, but there is something to maintain a respectful and friendly connection to a parent that does, in my experience, help later in life. It gives you a chance to help another human being - who happens to be your child - and who will inevitably experience some confusion about your choice, and a chance to communicate with them that it was neither their fault, nor a reflection of their worth.
I'd strongly recommend you allow another to raise your child. It is absolutely true the child is best off with those who can love her, but for the sake of the adult she will become, do take a moment to consider what involvement you might want, or be willing to provide for her sake, as she ages.
And of course, as others have mentioned here, thinking about this out loud with a therapist is probably the very best ways to come to calm and clear conclusions about it. You could certainly allow her to live and be raised by his family starting tomorrow, and make a decisions about the legal status of your relationship months from now.
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The Question
I have been going out with a guy for seven months and during part of that time he was going through a divorce.I have been very supportive as listener and a help meet. I helped to do school runs cooking and cleaning everything a girlfriend would do.During November he said that he joined a christain dating site and I was ok with it not much of it thinking.On Christmas day I heard via friends that he was going out with a another divocee with two kids, I was devasted. His divorce just came through in December.Now I am hopelessly in love with him and don't know what to do.He has been going out with this woman since Dec 2010. He also know how I feel about him. I can't understand what went wrong, yet I strongly believe I am perfect,being single, good career and he know if he wants me to leave work and take care of his kids, I will do so.He did say to my friend that he needs to explore and date other woman but I don't want to be his trump card, meaning if everything else fails he will run back to me! Pleae advice.
The Answer
Nothing 'went wrong' here. He doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't matter if you are perfect. You aren't what he wants.
That is the truth, and you need to let it sink in.
You can't earn his love with your care-taking and support. If he does run back to you, it will be your job to realize that and offer only as much support as you want too in light of the fact you cannot expect anything in return.
He's treated you poorly, by allowing you take on the role of 'girlfriend' in his life and not stopping you when it became clear you had feelings for him and were trying to earn his love.
If he comes back, don't return to the old pattern. You already knows how it ends. This man doesn't see you as a life partner - more like the hired help. It is your job to make sure you do not fall back into that role.
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