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I came clean to my boyfriend about my sexual past....
When I first met my boyfriend of one year we never talked about our sexual past. It wasn't until 9 months into our relationship that he started to ask me questions about it. I have had a pretty wild sexual past. When I was single in college, I had almost 30 sexual partners. I have never had a problem with infidelity and have always been faithful when I was in a relationship. Furthermore, I had some crazy experiences after college. I also slept with my boss, who I started dating several months after I took the job. Anyway, at first I didn't tell him how many sexual partners I had had. He is separated from his wife because she cheated on him while they were married. I thought that if I told him the truth in the beginning that he wouldn't be able to trust me and think that I could not be faithful because of my sexual past, let alone think of me as a slut(which I sadly admit I was and I am more than ashamed of it now). Anyway, he is a smart man and sooner enough he figured-out that I had lied to him. Finally, he broke up with me for lying to him about it. When we broke up, I finally came clean because I figured I had nothing to lose. We ended up getting back together. However, things have not been pretty since we got back together. Now, almost every 15 days he keeps getting reminded about my sexual past. He says that I am not the marrying type and that my past speaks a lot about my future. I am deeply in love with him and our sex and time we spend together is incredible. He just flips out at random times about my past. He is also upset that I wasn't honest with him. However, in a way, I regret being honest with him now because it's like he loves me and hates me and sometimes wants a future with me and sometimes doesn't. I don't know what to do or how to make him see past my past. Furthermore, he is constantly curious about whether my exes from my past still call me, or write to me or message me on Facebook. He just doesn't trust me no matter what I do. However, I am so confused because even though he gets upset and tells me he hates my past and I was such a slut, he asked me to move in with him recently. I do not know what's going on. I love him and want to move in with him but if I am "not the marrying type," do you think he will he ever change his mind and possibly want to marry me some day? I also have had sexual encounters with different races, and that seems to bother him a lot. He has slept with over 50 women and has been with ALL races, but he seems to get so mad that I have been with a different race. I think it's hypocritical right? Please help. We love each other and I feel like saving my relationship. Everything is perfect except these moments that he flips out very two weeks.
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Hello
Most women don't realize that their past often
determines the way men see them.The women's movement
and the sexual revolution has allowed women to act like men. But here is the kicker WOMEN ARE NOT MEN!
And vise versa. Men hold women that they want to be their bride to be "on a pedestal".Women are no longer held in this regard. Feminism has done incredible damage to the family (or potential for it). If women should not be held accountable for their past then men should not be "chastised" about not "manning up" and marrying women. Women lie about their past and in return men lie about love and commitment. tit for tat. At least the young man is holding to his standard's. But men can't have standards can they ? Yes they can and their holding to them and women don't like that. Tough.In your case you would have had a better chance by lying. I am not judging you but if your man can't get past this then you will have no choice but to break up. Next time tell the man that your with that you don't discuss the past. There's no guarantee but will improve your chances. Don't blame him. Blame Femminism.
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You know, I read the other answers here and I feel like all the name calling is getting a bit much.
He was called an "insecure man-child," and that may end up being true, but how would you feel if someone came in here and referred to you as a lying slut? You see what I mean? Name calling isn't going to help here.
Having had some experience in this whole situation, I am wondering what you first told him. You left that out, and THAT has a lot to do with this.
If you told him you were a virgin, then this situation isn't likely to get resolved with you two being together. If, however, you told him a number, let us just say 5 guys, and then reversed yourself, there is a possibility for you two to still be together, but trust is going to be hard to come by.
My situation: I told her when we first talked, that whatever she told me, we would work through it and it would be ok.
She told me I was due to be guy number 4. Well, that quickly turned into 7, and so I overlooked it based on what she said about being worried that if she told me the truth, I would not want her. Pretty much the same thing you are telling him now, right?
Well, in most situations this only gets worse. It did in mine. First it was 4, then 7, then 11, then 30something, then she started saying that she couldn't remember if this one guy was real, or if she had made him up.
Sooo... as you can see, that didn't go well. At one point she sent me a picture of one of her ex's, at my request, and he had herpes sores on his face on his profile pic at myspace! Turns out that I saved myself from genital herpes and HPV by walking away from that situation.
You might say: "How could you walk away if you had feelings for her?"
Answer: I had feelings for the person she said she was. The person who promised I could trust her, and that she would never lie to me.
So it goes like this: I fell in love with someone who didn't exist.
I tell you all this so you better understand where your guy's head is in all this. If you told him that you were a woman who had slept with 5 men, and that he didn't have to fret about penis size anxieties because you had never been with a well hung black man... (I mention this because it sounds like that would be important to him from what you said)
... then THAT is the person he fell in love with.
This new person who has slept with so many more people including her boss... well, he just met that person.
He may adjust to this, and he may not. Whatever you do, if there is ANYTHING else hidden, get it out there immediately. If he gets comfortable with your past, which if he is able to, will take years most likely, and then you drop another bomb on him, there will be NO chance of saving this AT ALL. You understand where I am going with this?
You can break a vase, and glue it back together, but it is never quite the same, right? Now take that already broken vase, smash it again... and no matter what you do, it just cannot be made serviceable again.
Some lies are small, and you might think of them as "white" lies... but I assure you that after this, the smallest white lie can, and probably will end your relationship forever.
I know how hard it is to put yourself in another person's position, but I am asking you to try and see it from his place.
If he had told you that he had been with 2 women, and then... after you were in love, he told you he had been with 50, including Asian women (so now you are feeling like he will always think you are loose because he was with them (this is a rumor by the way) ) what would happen to you emotionally?
Would you ever feel like you could trust him again? Probably not, right? Well, this is what you have done.
If you ever lie to him again, or give him any reason to suspect you are cheating on him, like being in contact with ANY of your flings from the past, then he would have to be stupid to trust you anymore. If you can admit that he would have to be the worlds biggest idiot to ever trust you... then there may be hope. Why? Because that means you are not in denial.
Where do you go from here? Couples counseling. It would be one thing if this was only about your lying to him... but it isn't. It is about his last relationship ending the way it did.
The ONLY thing that you should NEVER have done to him is break his trust. He has trust issues, and he would be stupid if he didn't have them at this point.
You two will have to work through this together. It will be hard for him to talk openly with you because he knows he can't trust you. This is where the counseling comes in. A neutral 3rd party that you both feel you can trust is the only way this is likely to get resolved.
If you aren't willing to be completely honest and work through this, then please tell him now, so he can start recovering from the second relationship that ended with a breach of trust.
If you are willing to work through it, then get started as soon as you can.
Good luck to both of you, and I hope it ends well.
DN.
P.S. In my situation, even after I overlooked a great deal, she still went to play fondle-peter with one of her exes right before she was due to come visit me.
Why do I mention this? Simple: You are amazed that he can't see you as ever being faithful because of your past... well, typically, people who do what you have done are sex addicted and COMPLETELY unable to remain faithful. You may be the one exception on the whole planet, but can you see where it might be hard for him to believe it?
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This is a perfect lesson as to why you have to be up front. If you'd brought it up three dates in and been called a slut you probably would never have called him again. If you'd encountered racial issues with past partners I think you definitely would never have called him again.
You are dating an insecure manchild. If you want to save the relationship you need to get a little pissed off at how he's treating you and tell him that he will treat you with the respect due a partner or walk.
Please tell me you're not apologetic. He is acting in an unacceptable manner. If you don't make it clear to him now that this is unacceptable and force him to admit he is wrong and deal with it, you will set a precedent that will creep up at the worst times in the future of the relationship. You aren't going to have the patience to tolerate this forever, especially if you move in with him, so take the stand now before untangling your lives becomes more than changing your number and avoiding him.
Tell him that you're going to slap him the next time he uses slut in any way directed at you and see how that goes over. Don't be an idiot and move in with a guy who can't handle a girl who's been with more people than he has.
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Yeah... this guy just isn't a great match for you.
You made a mistake not being upfront about your choices then, and your choices now. But you made that mistake because you thought (and you were right) that he couldn't understand or accept a person would change and grow in their sexuality and their sexual choices (despite his personal life experience...)
Neither of you are bad, bad people. You just aren't great people for each other. You try to avoid and hide out of misplaced shame, and keep the peace by lying and pretending to be weak. He tries to bully and shame you of hypocritical beliefs about female sexuality and value. That situation is like throwing a match into a gas tank. It’s going to go badly: The weaker you try to be to appease him, the stronger form his attacks and attempts to shame you will take.
Will he change his mind? Maybe. But it does seem unlikely, doesn't it? It seems like he is the kind of person who can't see who you are, because of who he imagines you were. It seems he is the kind of person that, even if he does marry you, will call you a slut every time he dislikes something you did, every time he feels insecure or angry. It seems like you don’t have the strength and conviction to tell him he is wrong, and that your past choices didn’t make you a slut then (they didn’t) and that you aren’t a slut now (you aren’t) and that he is an ass who is using a vile term to shame and control you because he isn’t comfortable with women being able to make the same choices about sex that he, a man, is allowed to make.
End it. Even if it lasted for ever, it would not be a happily ever after situation. You feed off the worse in one another. Walk away.
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