|
Parental Rights.
I know I will probably get a lot of rude replies, but.. I feel it is the best for my child. I am currently going through a divorce, and of course there is a child involved. The thing is, I never wanted to have her, but because of my religion I was unable to get an abortion. During the time I've raised her, I could never love her. I did try with all my being, but I just could not love her. I am also concerned for her because of her father. I feel the reason I can't care about her is because I hate her father. I felt it may be best if I gave up on her and allowed her to live with him and his family. Is me being unable to love her a valid reason to be able to terminate my parental rights?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
I understand what you are saying, but I think you need to think about the child in all of this. How would you like it if your Mum just turned around and said, actually I don't love you. And gave up on you? I believe that as her mum you have a right to her that you should stay there for her, regardless of your own feelings - thats what being a mum is about, for big issues and small issues.
Also, you said you hate the father, and that could be why? I know it'll be hard seeing bits of him in your child everyday, but you will overcome that. Look for things that remind you of you.
Just like with anyone you know (a work colleague, family friend etc.) and don't get on with, you still make the effort to be nice to their face - your child should be certainly no different to this. Make the effort to at least come across as loving.
Watch 'Remember Me' and see how upset the little girl is when she truly believes her dad doesn't like her.
Goodluck. X
]
Seeing you are already prepared to get some rude replies I am going to be upfront on my opinion.
If you didn't want a child, You should of done everything to prevent pregnancy. I really think it's incredibly sad and pathetic that you aren't mature enough to look beyond the hate for her father and love your child because she is YOUR child too whether you like it or not. Nothing you can do is going to change the fact that you ARE her biological mother.
I am being brutally honest, I know what it feels like to have a parent that doesn't love you.
Your child will one day find out the truth, She will wonder why her mother isn't in her life and don't be surprised if she wants nothing to do with you. As I dislike my father and couldn't care less about what he does, Perhaps one day yours will dislike you too.
]
first off are you asking this question because you arent sure or because you are thinking about what people would say? ( i only say that because you said you would proably get rude replies.) If you dont love your child. Your hurting her. Every child needs their parent to show them love and being a parent in an enjoyable thing. What concerns you about her father. is he abusive is he not good with her? if he is a good father who loves his child than ya id give it a chance but i think you need to try it first. Do visitation let them see her for a week. give you a break do you find your self constantly thinking about her. upset depressed if so than no you dont need to terminate your rights. if you dont care than ya maybe you should.
]
Yes, and given your situation, it might truly be best.
But I'd recommend personally, that you not terminate your parental rights completely. Allowing his family full custody makes sense, but giving up parental rights is a slightly more severe case.
Giving up parental rights completely means if she were to become fatally ill, you might not be able to visit her. If she were in danger in with her father's family for some reason (however unlikely) you would have limited ability to help her. Under the law, you'd be a random stranger.
As a small child you might not love her, but do you think you might one day like her? As an adult do you see a possibility of a friendship? Or of being someone who cares for her as the young person she is?
If your intention is to give her up and never, or extremely rarely, see her again, then giving up your parental rights is a clear way to establish that. If your hatred for her father is of the kind where you cannot have contact with her at all, then giving up all rights would be an honest reflection of what has happened.
But the reason I place that caveat on it, is that several of the children in my family, who were fostered or adopted, have mothers I believe are much like you. Not evil women at all, but women who did not want to be mothers or found they couldn't be mothers, and now as adults in their twenties both they and their biological mothers do truly seem to appear to benefit from a friendship. It is not a mother-child bond, and I doubt any of them desire that, but there is something to maintain a respectful and friendly connection to a parent that does, in my experience, help later in life. It gives you a chance to help another human being - who happens to be your child - and who will inevitably experience some confusion about your choice, and a chance to communicate with them that it was neither their fault, nor a reflection of their worth.
I'd strongly recommend you allow another to raise your child. It is absolutely true the child is best off with those who can love her, but for the sake of the adult she will become, do take a moment to consider what involvement you might want, or be willing to provide for her sake, as she ages.
And of course, as others have mentioned here, thinking about this out loud with a therapist is probably the very best ways to come to calm and clear conclusions about it. You could certainly allow her to live and be raised by his family starting tomorrow, and make a decisions about the legal status of your relationship months from now.
]
Hi, I am probably old enough to be your grandfather. I hope the wisdom of my age will help you with your decision.
Not knowing the state you live in I am unable to research the law(s) in your state to see what if any law is applicable. In general when it comes to custody the courts will abide by whatever decision(s) the parents may mutually agree upon.
The fact that you are divorcing says you should be represented by a lawyer. This question should be answered by your lawyer. If you do not have a lawyer you need to get one. If you cannot afford one contact legal aid.
If your divorce is consensual and the only sticking point is termination of parental rights. You nay be allowed in the custody agreement to grant sole custodial custody to your husband with limited or no visitation for you in exchange for him not asking for child support.
The courts may or may not accept this. In general if the custody agreement worked out between the parents is acceptable to the parents the courts will support the agreement.
I will caution that your feelings for your child could change once your living situation changes.
My advice would be to make any custody agreement temporary, one that could be revisited in a year. I would suggest that once the courts accept your agreement and terminate your marriage you seek out a therapist to help you sort through your feelings.
My feelings are that you have been hurt being forced into a marriage you didn't want and having a child you didn't want. I feel that all the bad feelings from a bad marriage have been transferred by you on to your daughter.
A good therapist will help you sort through all this and come to terms with it all. At some point during therapy you may find that your feelings for your daughter change and you may want to share custody with your ex husband. At that point in time I do not feel going for sole custody would be possible.
Of course it is always possible your feelings toward your daughter go unchanged. There is nothing wrong with that. Better your child be raised in a loving environment then you be forced to raise a child you have no love for.
When the year is up you can then explain to the judge what you have done, the therapy, and ask for termination of parental rights.
My way gives you an opportunity to change your mind and maybe more acceptable to the court. Your way is definitely final.
]
{Edited in to add: My mother appears to have never been happier since making this choice. It was right for her and it may very well be right for you, too.}
In my experience, yes.
Your child deserves to be with someone who does love her.
Having a baby is entirely different than raising a child. A child develops a personality. You spend time communicating and exchanging information with a child, even as small as a few years old. When that child grows and you have not developed appropriate attachment as mother-child then you're likely to not do what's in your child's best interest, as a parent.
No parent should ever dislike their child because their past mistakes. No matter what you choose to do here, you should realize that your child is a separate person from her father. I understand that maybe you can't help those feelings though.
"I felt it may be best if I gave up on her and allowed her to live with him and his family."
If you feel that it's best, and in this case it sounds absolutely correct, then you should certainly do what is best.
I know a woman who got pregnant at a party. She felt obligated to stay with the man who impregnated her. She got married, had that baby, and spent 18 years being miserable and not loving the family she had created. Because of this, she outwardly told the children that they had not really been desired and that they were the only reason she felt obligated to the marriage. When she chose to waiver her parental rights and leave, it was ultimately the best decision. While the father of those children isn't the best parent in the world, it is important to be raised by someone who loves you.
If you don't love your child, and you know that her father will love her more and will raise her decently, then there isn't any reason to keep her. Trapping her into a parent-child relationship where her own mother doesn't love her is tragic. Imagine how it would be if your single-parent mother raised you and never truly loved you.
And, of course, we know that not loving someone doesn't mean hurting them or neglecting them; however, it does mean that a person doesn't always strive to do what is the wise decision for the child in question. Not loving your child doesn't make you an awful person. It just means you need to make the appropriate changes so that your child will be in a situation where she IS loved.
]
More Questions: |