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My life is a bad Eminem song, please help.
long story short.
im 20, have a 10 month old daughter, her father lives with me and my parents. when we get along we are best friends, when we fight he says terrible things. you could basically compare our life to an eminem song. mainly love the way you lie, because it has gotten physical. on xmas, my stepdad threatend BD (babydaddy) because he was sick of him taking advantage of this situation, he has not worked in 7 months, doesnt help and sleeps like all of the time. that gave BD more power than he needed because afterwards he played the if you love me you wouldnt let him do that card. i said fine and kept our daughter from my parents for a month. on valentines day i ended up calling the police on him for getting violent again, my family ended up finding out. after 2 weeks i let him come home and everything has been cool except one night my brother came in and beat him up at 2 in the morning. i yelled at my brother and havent spoken to him since. everything has been going somewhat smooth until yesterday when he accused me of talking to my brother behind his back (which i wasnt even aware i wasnt allowed to talk to him) he the proceeded to tell me i have to tell my brother hes not allowed at our family functions and my daughter is never allowed to be at my stepdads family functions if im not there. (those people are basically my family) I told him that im not going to keep her from any of my family and he doesnt have to be around them but im not keeping her away. he says this means i dont love him and we ended up getting in a bad fight and he brought up the something from my past (my brother innapropriatley pretended to do things to me when i was 10, he didnt actually do anything but he made me very uncomfortable) so BD said that i need to go fuck my brother and have a threesome with my stepdad and brother and kept yelling at me about how i was molested and liked it and saying terrible things. He tryed to leave "forever" and I freaked, begging him not to go. he raised his fist once but didnt hit me, but did leave marks on my forearms from moving me and now today my arm is in serious pain. i dno if its from that tho. after valentines day i swore i wouldnt listen to it anymore and i wouldnt feel it anymore. i have so much hope for us. counseling created more problems because the counseler was an idiot and told me that i need to let him sleep all day because i cant control him...which gave him the power again. i dont kno what to do, he wants to move out next week...i want to get out of my moms and live this life with him and our daughter and be happy but that means agreeing to distance frommy family who will ALWAYs have my back and be there for me. i love him to pieces and i dk how i would even leave him after 4 years. he refuses to put a ring on my finger and in our fights he will tell me its my fault for being such a dumb cunt. i know i make him out to be terrible, but at times he can be the sweetest. and it would kill me for him to go meet another woman, who he loves, treats right and takes care of. it would make me feel like it really was me that is wrong. i just dont know how to handle this any more, things were going alright until yesterday and i cant even concentrate with out tearing up. our friends want us to work it out, and they know our history and they know we are also best friends and deeply in love but i just dont know...
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Hi, I really feel like I have to write to you.
You may not realise it, but you are in a seriously abusive relationship.
I know you love him, and you have hopes for what you would like him to be like, and how nice it could be, but your boyfriend has a SERIOUS anger/abuse problem. You do need to leave him. this is for your safety and for the safety of your daughter.
It is also because, even though you will have to get over not having him around, it will be better for you in the long run, and for your daughter, because of the peace and consistancy it will bring to your life.
Having a person treat you like that is horrible. Your daughter is witnessing it, and every month that she grows, she will become more and more clever, intuitive, and scared. If you stay with him she will learn that that is how guys treat women, so when she is older if a guy is horrible to her, she won't go because it will seem 'normal', like that is just what happens in relationships. That is not what just happens in a healthy relationship. You are being seriously abused.
Another very obvious sign of the abuse is how he is trying to get you away from your family.
Your family sound kind and lovely. Your BD sounds abusive and like he wants all the power. He doesn't want them around, because they can empower you to live a better life. He wants you around to use as a doormat. He wants to be the big man, and needs someone under him to kick around and treat like shit, to feel better. That is not a place for you to be as a mom. You absolutely must get out. If you don't, it is like you are committing a crime against your daughter by not giving her a proper healthy life.
Guys with anger work in a cycle that just goes on and on and happens over and over. It won't stop. When he is sweet, you give him another chance, because you think 'Oh this time he means it, he is sincere, he wants to change, he loves us...' Then the cycle happens, where he starts getting annoying, and then it gets bigger and he gets abusive and explodes. Then it's quiet and he goes nice for a while, then it builds up again and he explodes. Over and over it goes. It doesn't stop.
The only way for you to stop it is to end your relationship, in one clean step.
Get some professional legal help, to set up a specific written agreement that states when he can have access to your daughter, and what the conditions are around that. such as, he doesn't get to have her at his house, he can take her to the playground. He is too dangerous to keep her alone.
Stick close to your family. They really love you. You can tell this because they dont abuse you. They try and take care of you, which is what your brother was doing when he beat up BD. He was showing BD that the way he treats you is not okay. It is good your brother loves you.
Keep your parents close to you. Don't try to please him by pushing them away. They love you the way you love your daughter. Imagine what you would do if when your daughter was grown up, you knew she was with a guy who was violent. It would make you sick, scared and sad all at the same time.
What he is doing is wrong to try and keep you away from them. He is manipulating you into doing stuff to please him, but have you noticed he is never pleased. He wants you to be his doormat, even if his words don't say it, his actions have a million times over.
YOU NEED TO END YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER!
IF YOU STAY WITH HIM YOU ARE BEING SELFISH AND NOT PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER!
You will feel upset. That you will get over. Please take care of your daughter! Having no dad around is a hundred thousand times better than having an abusive dad there.
You deserve better too.
GET OUT!
I would involve the police too. Don't tell BD your plans, just get it all organised first, or he will manipulate you again.
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This man doesn't have your back. He isn't supporting you or your child.
He is going to hit you. Probably sooner, rather than later. He is going to abuse your child.
There is no reason, none at all, to believe he won't. Everything, absolutely everything he is saying and doing paints the picture of someone who is going beat the shit out of you sooner or later.
Your fantasy of having a happy life with a home with him and your daughter is just that - a fantasy. And if you are going to protect both of you, you'll need to face the facts and let that fantasy go. It's not going to happen. Not tomorrow, probably not years from now. Let it go.
You don't 'make him out to be terrible'.
His behaviour is legitimately terrible. He is behaving like a terrible boyfriend who abuses you, isolates you, bullies you and threatens you. He is behaving like a terrible father who uses his daughter as a pawn in his fight with her grandparents. He is behaving like a horrible provider who won't take his responsibilities seriously. He is behaving like a horrible roommate who makes you live in fear.
All and all, it's a horrible situation for you to be in. It's a horrible situation for your child to be in. You owe it to her to get the hell out now.
You don't have to perfect in order to deserve a boyfriend who doesn't abuse you. You don't have to be an angel all the time. You could be a total bitch. It doesn't matter. You still deserve better.
Don't worry. He won't treat the next girl right. Even if it looks like he does (and it might just *look* that way) it doesn't mean for a second that it had anything to do with you. His behaviour is completely and solely his fault. It will probably be a very, very long time before he is capable of treating another human being with respect and care. YOU have a child. YOU can't afford to sit around and wait for him to decide to behave decently.
YOU, and your child, need to get out. This is not love, this is dependance, fear and abuse.
He needs to be alone, for a long while, and work on his behaviour. You might have issues you need to work on as well, with a different counsellor even, but in the meantime, he needs to leave. Whatever your problems might be, it doesn't make his okay. The only way he stops having power in this situation, is when you stop giving it to him, and tell him it's over, get out.
End the relationship. Talk to your mother and determine confirm that he MUST move out next week. No turning back. No second chances.
Call a woman's abuse hotline, or drop in center in your area, and ask for counselling and legal aid.
Make sure he can see his child, but don't allow him to be along in the room with you and your baby. Have someone you trust in the room with you. The court can help you enforce this if you need too.
Things were not going all right until yesterday. Things have been very wrong for a very long time. Take this crisis as a chance to start making them right. First step: Get him out. Second step: Get yourself some aid from a women's or teen mother support group in your area.
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