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rekindeling a friendship, would it be a bad idea?
A friend that I see a couple of times a year has been pushing a lot lately to hang out more often. I am struggling with whether I WANT her to be a larger part of my life or not.
A little bit of background information:
When we were in high school we were very close and I spent a lot of time with her and her family. One day out of nowhere (I felt) she lashed out at me saying I was trying to be like her (copy her) and that I was jealous of her family and wanted to be a part of her family (her tone and wording made it clear that was a negative way for me to feel).
I was so hurt by these words. I had really enjoyed being included in some of her family celebrations, her family did feel like a second family to me. My family was going through some issues at the time and I found their easy going attitudes refreshing and stable. The rejection hurt me so deeply that years later I still get emotional over it, and I am teary eyed typing this.
She stopped talking to me for several months and over that summer, but when school started back up in September she acted like nothing had happened and wanted to be friends again. She even said “I can’t even remember why we stopped talking!”
I missed her enough to pretend I couldn’t remember either but I was never comfortable with her anymore and never allowed myself to get close to her again. I certainly did not spend much time at her parents’ home, as that was a raw nerve (and still is) and her parents questioned me the few times I was there about why I stopped coming over. That was difficult because, even though they were very welcoming, there was that seed that my friend didn’t feel the same warm welcoming feeling about me.
We went off to didn't schools and I considered the friendship over like others once you move away for schools. She, however, has always tried to keep it going through text and emails and inviting me out periodically.
Recently she has been trying to make more and more plans, and I have been giving in more and more often. There is a part of me that wishes we could go back to the beginning and be as close as before, but there is another part of me that fears further rejection if I put myself out there for her to hurt again.
I realize we have grown up, and I realize we are not in high school anymore, and that she probably wouldn’t do the same thing as a rational adult, but I am still torn over whether I should open up to her again or not.
Any advice would be appreciated
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Forgive, but don't forget. It's pretty solid advice. I actually had a similar experience, though nowhere near as extreme as yours. There was a friend I was really close to, and out of nowhere one day she stopped talking to me. I never did get an explanation, but around 2 years later she contacted me with a semi-believable explanation and asked that we forget it ever happened. We started hanging out again, but still aren't as close as before. Basically, there is a middle ground between fully accepting someone back and never talking to them again. In your situation, I would recommend just letting her have the initiative for now. People do have bad days, so maybe she was having some kind of issues that time snapped at you. If she is being inviting now, then let her be. You don't have to let her all the way back in right away, just go with the flow and see how it goes, and if she can earn your trust again.
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It's tempting to believe a rational adult would let go of the selfish prejudices of their teenage self - tempting, but not realistic. Some people never grow up.
Ask yourself this question:
Are you enjoying your time with her?
Are pleasant times you are currently having together worth overcoming the past, so you can enjoy more of them?
To get over what happened, you are going to need to confront it head on as adults. You’re going to need to take a moment to tell her, or write her, and express your desire for a stronger friendship AND the worry that is holding you back. Take a moment to express, that although you were young at the time, that because of the difficult place you were in your life, her words hurt you very deeply, perhaps much deeper than she intended or could imagine.
It’s not about blame or forgiveness - You sound like you’ve long since forgiven her (and you might want to tell her as much) but the pain of that fight cut very deep and you need to her to know that is what the stumbling block to a closer friendship is.
Right away, by her response, you’ll know if she is capable of apologizing and acknowledging childish errors, or if she will stubbornly defend her younger self’s cruel behaviour.
It sounds to me, that given her attempts to connect with you, she probably never recognized how deeply she hurt you. That argument that changed your life so drastically, might have only seemed to her to be a bad fight that blew over.
What I’m suggesting is scary: Because it does make you vulnerable. You’re putting a really intimate truth out there and risking the friendship.
But it’s the only way you’ll know. It’s the only way you’ll be able to heal and get on the same page.
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