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September 21, 2006

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Hi. I left and came back. But I don't like this column anymore. Check out my new column.

http://www.advicenators.com/column.php?u=thefish

advice

I had a dream i made out with my best friends boyfriend. I feel so bad that i would have a dream like that. I dont even have feelings for him!! Now i feel like i have betrayed my best friend what should i do to make me feel better?

Just relax! It's just a dream. They don't mean anything and you can't control what you dream. Save yourself the trouble and don't stress over it.

-Lea

I love my best friend but I just don't get why people are drawn to her. Guys, girls, even little kids.

Well, she's pretty and everything so I guess I understand why all guys love her. But still, other girls and little kids die to be around her as well.

I went with her to pick up her contacts yesterday and while we were waiting, she was reading a magazine and a little girl just came up to her and after 10 min, the girl didn't even want to leave with her mom!

It happens ALL the time. At school, at the mall, the movies, EVERYWHERE. People just come up to her, they don't even know her, and start talking to her. I don't get it??

Some people just have a natural magnetism. If it doesn't bother her, don't let it bother you.

My friend broke up with her bf just a few hours ago. She wanted him to be in tears, but he was happy. So she got revenge on him, and asked out this guy she knew would say yes! I felt horrible for the ex bf. I really want to call her new bf and tell him to break up with her, but I know that the new bf will tell her what I said and she'll get in a fight with me. I really don't want to fight with her because i'm the type of person who goes crazy when somebody is mad at me! Please tell me what I should do!

Thanks

Honestly, you should let it go. My friends make some horrible boy-related choices, but I try not to let it bother me. She is going to do whatever she wants, and it's best to just stay out of it. It's likely that this new relationship will not last very long, so you don't have to worry about this boy getting forced into a marriage with her. And don't feel sorry for the old boyfriend if he was happy about it. Making him happy is not your responsibility, and if he is upset, he'll get over it. You don't have to fight, just accept her and let it go.

-Lea

Is god real im confused

It's up to you! Your religious belief is entirely your opinion! Some people just decide that they don't know if God is real or not, and they're happy just not knowing.

i recently learned that one of my very close friends is bisexual. She didnt tell me, i just kinda found out through the grapevine. Well, I'm fully supportive of her and everything, but I just dont know how to deal with it. How do i tell her I know? I dont want things to be different between us, because we're really good friends. Help please.
Sincerely,
Confused

First of all, don't believe rumors. Just ignore it, and put it out of your mind. Unless she tells you that she is bi, don't believe it. Go to her and say, first off, that it makes no difference to you if she is or not, and then explain that you heard a rumor and wanted to know if it was true or if some idiot with a grudge was just trying to ruin your friend's good name. Things may be awkward at first, but it won't take too long to go back to normal. I'm bi, and it took me a while to fully come out to my friends. They didn't care, and said that they loved me anyway. I don't get crushes on them, and if I mention a girl I think is hot, they react the same way they would if it was a guy. If anything, this will make you even closer--this is pretty personal. If at first she lies or avoids telling you, don't worry about it. Like I said, it took me a really long time to tell my friends, and that may be the reason that she hasn't told you about it.

-Lea

Okay I got this friend and she's a girl, and she so calls me her bestfriend but I don't too much see the benefits of the friendship. The only thing I know is that she says she loves me(I dont know it she means it) and she jealous of me when around other girls. The other night she says we don't have a normal friendship but a complicated one. And if it can't be a normal friendship then what is a complicated one? I don't even think she cares about me when I'm not around! So should I leave her alone, pay her less attention, or work on the relationship?

You should ask her what she's talking about. Girls give hints to make themselves seem mysterious and attractive to guys, but usually we don't realize that guys (no offense) are kind of thick. That confuses even me, and I'm a girl! Tell her that if she wants you to know how she feels, she needs to straight up tell you what she means. Then go from there.

Im goig to a new school next year with my best friend, she is great and ive known her forever, but im a fraid that if i hang out w/ her alot that, i wont make alot of new friends. plz help!!!

Whenever I have felt that way in the past, I remember this song that was taught to me as a child.

'Make new friends
but keep the old
One is silver
and the other gold.'

You can read the rest of the lyrics here: http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/makenewfriends.html

Basically it's saying that it's okay to have more than one best friend. You don't have to spend all your time with her, but don't ditch her either. It could also be fun to make friends that both of you like, and do some group things together. There will be times when you'll do something with a different friend, and that's okay. She'll make other friends too. But you don't have to lose her, and you don't have to keep yourself from making new friends. Share the love!

-Lea =)

I'm a 16/f and my best friend is gay.

Okay, well, his family is very religious and grounded in "southern" beliefs, and if he comes out to his parents he is afraid he will be kicked out of his house.

He is going to tell his mom first, and THEN his dad, and hasn't told either of them yet. However, he is pretty sure that both of them already know, because of how he acts and things he likes and the fact that most of his friends are girls, and yeah.

He is adament about coming out to them, because he doesn't want to hide who he is, and I don't blame him. Do you think that he, at just 16, should WAIT to come out to them? I dont know what swort of advice I can give him. What should I be doing to help the situation?

I think he's waited enough. Coming out is something that he needs to do, and if he believes the time is right, then it is. Unfortunately, his fear is a reality for many people. If the worst should happen, just be there for him, and ask your parents if he can stay at your house.

You may want to read a few things first. http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html is helpful, and you can find more information through google.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm not giving you enough information. But the truth is, he's doing something really big and it may or may not turn out well. Cheer him on, and be there for him if it doesn't work. I should add that many parents don't react the way they're expected to. I read a true story about a man who was never close to his father at all--the day he told his father he was gay was the first time they hugged. So it may be wonderful! It might be rocky at first, and with time become easier. And it might not end up well at all. No matter what happens, be there for him as a friend and show that you love him. That's most important.

Be sure to tell your friend that I'm cheering for him!

-Lea

whn my friend tell me a secret about something
i say"WHAT??!?" and "REALLY?!?!" a lot and my friend says "shh..." or like that. am i blabbermouth? or just tooo loud?

If all you say is "what?" and "really?", then no. A "blabbermouth" is someone who goes around and tells other peoples' secrets. I wouldn't worry about it. If your friends had a problem with it, they'd stop telling you secrets.

Okey, here's the thing. I can't sing.
No really, not that I don't sing GOOD, it's just that I sing...really bad. Like, really.
It sounds awful. Not that I think anyone would make fun of me..but still, I need to ask this question.
I've always been the shy quiete girl. And I don't want to be anymore. I want to be seen as a happy & loud person! So my class is doing this kareoke thing, and I want to be happy 6 up for anything 6 justa fun loving girl..but I can't sing!
So is there any fun or cool way of saying no to singing in front of the class? If I just say no everyones going to be all "c'mon, don't be like that.." not that they're gonna pressure me, but I'm going to feel like the boring girl who doesn't know how to have fun.
So can I say it in a fun way and turn this to my advantage?
Or atleast in a cool way so people will keep talking to me,. or atleats find me interesting??
Thank you.

Karaoke was invented in Japan, and I believe it was started by businessmen who wanted to relax after a long day at work. In America, people who can't sing don't like to flaunt that fact, but in Japan that's part of the fun. The point of it is actually to sing badly, and just enjoy it. If you want to get by in life, you have to be able to laugh at yourself. If you don't sing, it's not that you'll look boring, but you'll be denying yourself a good time. I've done it. My voice is horrible, and I'm shy like you, but I had a lot of fun. I suggest that you do it, but if you really don't want to, don't try to be 'cool' about it. Just say that you don't want to, and people should respect that. Nobody's going to hate you for not doing it, but like I said, doing it is a lot of fun so I think you're ripping yourself off.

My best friend, we can call her H, just told me she was bi, and now has a girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong, i have no problem with her being bi, it's just i'm soo weirded out, because 2 months ago, she was grossed out about people being Bi, and said she'd never be it. Now yesterday she was confused if she was bi or not, and today shes "sure" she is and she has a girlfriend.

I'm just so weirded out by it, and i don't know why.

Any ideas what could be my problem, it's kind of sad i don't even know what i'm feeling, maybe this situation was the same with someone else? if so, please help. Thanks.

Questioning one's sexuality is very confusing. When she was grossed out by it, she might have been disgusted by her own feelings, or that may have been her way of testing the water. She might have just said that to see how you reacted, so that she would know if she could come out to you. About changing her mind...well, it happens a lot. I've gone through several phases when I only liked women, and others when I've only liked men, which I'm certain confused my friends. I also go through phases where I want to have lots of children, but right now I just want to have cats. People change their minds, teenagers especially. We're trying out different roles to see what we want our life to be like when we're adults. And it doesn't take very long to change your mind. It could take a second. Your friend had an entire night to become "sure" about it.

And I bet this isn't the last time she changes her mind.

Now, about your problem. You don't actually have one. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do--it's a perfectly natural reaction. It's like you're in an amusement park, and your friend is pulling you by the wrist. The second you get to the ferris wheel, she turns and pulls you to the roller coaster. What you need to do is break away from her, and go sit on a bench or something. In other words, stop caring so much about her sexual orientation. Like I said, she's going to change her mind a lot. She's going to come up to you and say, "I don't like guys at all--I'm completely gay now!" You smile and nod and say, "That's nice." Because I guarantee that within a month, she's going to have a boyfriend. Just let her experiment, let her make her own mistakes, and don't concern yourself with what she does unless she's in danger. Her orientation is not your problem. She's still herself no matter what happens, focus on that. Just let it be, and the weirded out-ness will go away. I know it seems hard, but it isn't. Just take a deep breath, clear your mind, and accept. Do this as many times as you need to. Trust me, I've done it and it never fails.

Good luck!

Usually when people talk to me, the first thing I think is more like

"Okay", "That's interesting", or
"That's nice to know."

Not much of an opinion or anything. Bleh... and I don't want to say anything stupid.

What can I do to change that? I don't want people to think I am ignoring them when I don't respond quickly or think I'm stupid if I say something wrong.

While they're talking, you should make eye contact, smile, nod, do anything to look interested! They'll think you care, and keep talking. Most people are self-centered. They don't really care what you have to say, they just want to tell you things. So if they think you're really interested, they can chatter away and not expect you to say anything. Trust me, I do this every time I'm in that situation and it works. It works when it's used on me, also.

My two best friends, have started shop lifting and the other week stole £50 in value each I want them to stop because I don't want them to get caught.
I want to go shopping with them but if they're stealing and they'll get caught I will get in trouble to.
I think they're peer pressuing me to they all telling me to join in and its fun but I really dont want to.........
How can I get them to stop?????
Please help I rate high!!!!!!!

Don't try to get to them to stop. Trust me on this one. If you do, that will make them try harder to get you to join in. This is going to seem like the wrong thing to do, but the best thing you can do is just turn the other way. Don't go shopping with them because you're right, you WILL get into trouble if they're caught. To the security guards, teenagers are all the same. You can do other things besides shopping, like watching movies at home. And if they start talking about shoplifting, either ignore it or subtly change the subject. Eventually, I'm sure they will be caught, and that will probably make them stop. Unfortunately you can't be responsible for your friends' actions. This is what my mom told me, because when she was a teenager she told her friends to stop smoking, and they pressured her into doing it. Guess what? She's still smoking. I've been following her advice for eighteen years now and so far it's worked. I know it hurts, but your friends are going to do things whether you like it or not. They're responsible for themselves, and if they want to make bad choices, that's up to them. Whenever you feel pressured, just walk away. If it gets really bad, it may be time to find some new friends.

Hello, I was wondering why some guys always attract drunk girls. Can anyone come up with a good reason? Or maybe a funny reason for that (but not a mean one)?

Thanx, I tried searching google but nothing but a bunch of porno sites came up, so I hope you can help me =)

Because the girls are drunk.

They'll be attracted to ANYBODY.

I have this secret that I haven't told one of my really good friends yet (lets call her Ruby). It's about this boy I like I have told four other people, and three of them are my other really good freinds. Well I don't want to tell Ruby because she doesn't have much experience with boys AT ALL and she wouldn't get it like my other freinds would. Should I tell her? Because if she knew I told these other girls before her she would be mad. So bottom line, Should I tell her? Even though I don't want to? Would you personally be mad if you were Ruby?

If I were Ruby, I probably wouldn't care, but I think a few years ago I would have. What will it hurt if you tell her? So she doesn't have much experience with boys. It's still nice to know when your close friend has a crush. The news is probably going to get around to her eventually, so I think it's best if you tell her.

i need teens to answer this only please!!
anyway so i have this perverted frien who likes to look at you know pictures and sites and stuff of women and he is only like 15. He is my really good friend but he is getting really perverted. I don't not want to be with him and i've already talked to him about his "habit" what should i do?

There's really nothing wrong with it. At our general age, we have a LOT of hormones. A teenager's sex drive is at his or her peak at this time. It's natural for him to be curious about sex and/or the female body. And it's okay for him to enjoy what he sees. When we look at pictures, our bodies react. For example, a picture of a kitten might make someone feel physically good, whereas a picture of a dead kitten might make them cry. Being horny isn't perverted at all, it's just another mood like sadness and good cheer. I don't mean any offense by this, but it really sounds more like your problem than his. If he's sexually harassing you that's one thing, but if all he's doing is looking at porn, that's really his business. I understand that you're concerned for your friend, but it's not hurting him (although this is up for debate), and it's most likely not hurting you. Trust me, if you stop worrying about it, the problem will go away.

And just to reassure you, I've been reading pornography for five years now and nothing bad has happened.

EDIT-Thanks for the advice, but I really don't care if you find me attractive or not.

Right, my best friend is usually really nice, but recently she keeps putting me down, mostly about things that arent even true. She keeps pointing out people and saying they're taller than me and teasing me about my 'frizzy' hair. Shes even started being mean about the things i like. Like my big eyes she says are weird and the other day she said "I like my tummy better than yours" and i really like my toned tummy. Even though most of it isnt true, its really getting me down. What should i do? Please do not tell me to talk to her about it because she would just tell me i'm being stressy.

Don't be her friend anymore. People like that have problems, she wants to use you to make herself feel better. You're better off not having her as a friend.

how can i tell what people in the world are honest and good?

and why is everything always about sex lately?

its so fckd up.

i rate high. :]

You can't. Everybody has some level of dishonesty, and also badness. You just have to trust your gut first, and everyone else second. In other words, don't go putting all your faith into everyone you meet. It will come back to hurt you. But you're growing up, and that's the way the world is.

Everything is about sex lately...probably because of your age? You didn't specify how old you were so I'm just guessing here, but probably it's because the people around you are just opening up as the sexual beings that they are. You are too. There's nothing wrong with sex, and it's nothing to be ashamed about if you think about sex a lot. And it will probably die down some in the next few years.

But if you meant society and the way sex is shown in the media, well...think about it. Have you ever read classic mythology? Norse mythology? The Bible? One Thousand and One Nights? Try flipping through them some time. Those things were written thousands of years ago, some of them even before writing was invented, and atleast half of it is sex. Even the people who tell you not to have sex, or even to think about having sex, are thinking about sex when they tell you that. It's not something new. Humans have ALWAYS thought about sex. It's part of our inborn animal nature, like the way we go into a trance when we watch fire or how we're protective of our children.

Basically, it's not the rest of the world that's "fcked up", it's just you. (Don't take that the wrong way, please! =) If it was me with this problem, I would say "It's just me." So, it was meant to make you feel better. SMILE!)

My friend is hanging out with my old friend. my old friend is into bad things like sex and stuff. I don't want my friend to be around those kind of people.

You probably won't like my answer, but it's the truth. You can't do anything about it. Your friend is going to do what she wants to do, and if you don't like it, you have to find a new a friend.

Well then you just have to decide what's harder, finding someone new or staying friends with someone you have problems with.

ok, im almost in love with this guy. not obsessed, but getting close.
he's gorgeous && incredibly sweet.
but there are problems;;
1)i cannot talk to him
2)he likes someone else
3)he's a druggie
now, i know what you're going to say about him doing drugs.. but hey! sometimes, a bad boy is good for a girl..you know??lmao
so what can i do??
should i just sit around && hope he gets over this other girl??
or should i talk to him??..conversation starters???

will rate high ;D
♥ thank yooou

I'll tell you what you honestly SHOULD do, but you're not going to like it.

Admire him from afar. Fantasize about him however you like. Write love letters that you don't intend to send. Daydream about having sex with him. But take it no further than that.

"Gorgeous" is nice, and "sweet" is definitely a good quality to have. But how about...noticing you? Respecting you? How about responsibility--that's the exact opposite of being a druggie.

A bad boy is like a flame. It's pretty. You know it's dangerous--that's what gives it the appeal. Fire excites you, and you want to touch it. I don't think I have to tell you what would happen if you acted on that desire. Now think about what would happen if you were with a guy like this. Sure, he'd be pretty and exciting, but what if there is a day when he hasn't had his drugs? Ever heard of withdrawl symptoms? One of them is violence. And who is he going to get violent with? Somebody he might like to control...perhaps his girlfriend?

He's not different, you can't change him. A bad boy is NEVER good for a girl.

Find someone worthy of your affection.

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