about

Hey kids! My name is Amanda, but call me Manders. I'm a psychology/neuroscience/biology student. Throw me questions and I'll throw you an answer. :)

advice

im taking the pill, but my new boyfriend wont cum in me

The pill isn't 100% effective against pregnancy, so you can still get pregnant while on the pill. He's not being inconsiderate; he's being responsible.

-Manders

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Ok short and sweet i will make this. I'm 18 now been in love with this girl I know since the fifth grade (since i was 10 no lie!). Problem is im not gay! but im so in love with her( i would die for her). No one knows or has the slightest idea of my feelings. We have graduated and i now live 1000 miles away from her (we never tlked much through the school years) and i will be seeing her this summer(only due to my visit back). Should i tell her how i feel...or should i just leave it alone and let her go. Im starting to feel like i have an obsession even though im positive im just in love. Just because ive been secretly in love with her for 8 years now. how should i tell her how i feel???(and believe me when i say im in love)

First of all, reexamine your sexual orientation. Plenty of heterosexual (straight) females have "girl crushes," but I've never heard of a straight girl being deeply in love with another female. I'm not saying that in a negative way, I'm just expressing that it might be a good idea to explore that a bit.
Anyway, I would play it by ear. You can wait until you see her and find out that your strong emotions were fueled by the anticipation of talking to/seeing her (since you said that you never really talked much anyway). If you still think that you're in love, you can tell her for your own sake; getting something like that off your chest really helps you get over it.
Basically, if you still feel strongly about her, tell her for your own sake. Don't expect anything to come of it since you both live so far away most of the time; however, confessing may make it easier for you to get over since it'll give you some type of closure.

-Manders

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Alright well I am 18 and a female. I dated this guy named collin for about three years and we ended up splitting because he cheated. I was in love with this guy and I couldn't stand being anywhere near him after that so I moved to another state where I had family. After about 5 months he breaks up with the girl and then comes running back to me. We talk again for a while but I don't trust him. I met this other guy and we start dating. I didn't want to get to much hope up on collin because afterall he did cheat. Well now they both want me to give the other up and idk what to do. It'll be hard to give up either. I love collin but I nknow this guy is loyal and will treat me good. Collin would be a chance. I'm not willing to give up either so I don't know what to do.

You're not willing to give up on either...? You're going to have to, sweetie; it's not fair to either of them if you go back and forth, so get that mindset out of your head.
Anyway, I don't recommend going back to that ex. Trust is vital in any healthy relationship, and how can you trust someone that cheated on you and made you feel dispensable? Don't go back to a relationship like that, or you're setting yourself up for a hell of a lot of pain.
Do you really like this other guy? If so, stick with him. If not, don't. Don't just settle for him because he's there, you know? You might want to refrain from being in a relationship to heal and whatnot, but that's your decision.

-Manders

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Hi everyone, 23 and female here...
I saw the red flags, but I had just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship; I refused to believe that I had run straight into a worse situation...but I had.
I've been free of him since mid-October, when I took the day off work, gathered my things, and left. We were living together in the house he bought to share with me, talking about marriage and kids...I know it sounds bizarre, given the abuse, but in his own sick way, he loved me. I never doubted that...and I loved him. If I listed the qualities of my dream guy, I would almost describe him. I dreamed of spending my life with him until he started to physically hurt me.

So here's my problem:
When I left him, I turned off my emotions. If I had let myself feel, I knew I wouldn't have been able to do it. Until this past Saturday, I've been pleasantly numb. I'm very busy, I have a lot of responsibility at work, and I don't have time or energy to waste on being upset. All of a sudden, that logic doesn't seem to be helping, and I find myself biting back tears all the time. I realized that I know only two ways to cope with things: to suppress what I'm feeling completely, or to let it take over.
I have a therapist, but I don't think I'm getting what I need from her. I've seen seven different therapists in my short life and none of them have been able to help me. I'm also on an antidepressant, and STILL having these problems.

I know this is kind of vague, but I don't know what to ask, exactly. I just...need help...any help. Please.

Thanks to all who try.

Don't suppress your emotions; they'll come back to haunt the hell out of you later... and they'll be worse. Instead, confront them now. I can't really tell you how to cope because everyone has their own way of doing so (depending on the individual situation).

Let go of the delusion that this guy was your "dream guy." He was not and is not your dream man. Your dream man will treat you like you matter, because in reality, you matter so much. NEVER determine an ideal man by his personality traits alone; judge him by those as well as how he affects and treats you. The latter is just as important.

As far as treatments go, ask whoever you're getting your prescription from about trying a different antidepressant. There are a lot to choose from, and they affect levels of different neurotransmitters. Honestly, they aren't all created equal, nor do they affect the brain in the same ways. Inquire.
Have your various therapists tried different therapies? "Talking it out" isn't always effective. Certain cognitive behavioral therapies (CBTs) should also be considered. Ask your therapist about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). It's a highly underrated form of therapy that's often used on people suffering from emotional trauma yielded by traumatic events; I actually went through it, and it was rather effective.

You're worth more than this guy made you believe. You'll pull through the situation; if anything, experiencing this will make you appreciate someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That man will be your real "dream guy," not this loser who emotionally abused you.

Stay strong, and good luck. :)
-Manders

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hi I was wondering if I dont start using products while using my chi if my hair will be okay.

It's best to use finishing spray or something along those lines. You can find things like that at your local Target/Wal*Mart in the beauty section. Try not to straighten your hair too often; your hair can fry, regardless of any product you use.
-Manders

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I really like the Foo Fighters music, but I don't really know or even care too much about the background of the band members. I know that Dave Grohl is the singer, and I think he's really hot. Beyond that, I mainly just like their music. Well, my older brother came in today, and he said that he thought the Foo Fighters were ok, but he liked some other band that he said Dave Grohl had played drums for before the Foo Fighters a whole lot better. I thought he was just yanking my chain, so I said "Dave Grohl's never been in a band before the Foo Fighters! You're stupid!" And my brother started laughing so hard at me he completely fell over. He wouldn't tell me the band name again, and he's saying now that he will never discuss music with me again until I learn enough to have an intelligent conversation w/ him about it. So, now I feel really confused...is my brother playing some bizarro joke on me, and Dave Grohl's never been in a band before, or is my brother right? If Dave Grohl was such an awesome drummer for this other band like my brother claimed, then why doesn't he play drums now, and why was some other dude playing guitar and singing instead of Dave Grohl in this band if there was one?

Your brother was quite right, actually. Dave Grohl was in a grunge band called Nirvana. You may have heard of the lead singer of Nirvana, Kurt Cobain.
I don't know why he isn't a drummer anymore, actually.
Let me know if you have any more questions!
-Manders

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dear manders,

what is your opinion on virginity and premarital sex? the bible says it is wrong, but what what if i never get married? or dont get married until im like 65?

thanks a bunch,
jgagmdc

I think that virginity is sacred. However, I don't think that one needs to wait until marriage to lose it. If someone is truly in love with another person, they can have sex with their partner. Of course, there are precautions the couple needs to take. Couples need to consider and use a method (or maybe combine two, such as a condom and the pill) to prevent pregnancy. There also needs to be maturity in the relationship, because with sex comes responsibility.

In a nutshell, if two people are truly in love, emotionally prepared, and protected, I think it's okay for them to have sex.

Let me know if you have any more questions!
Peace,
Manders.

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Who are some other good acoustic sounding singers such as Jack Johnson, Gavin Degraw and John Mayer?

Ben Harper is amazing! You should definitely check him out.
If you need anything else, let me know!
-Manders

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people i dont even know hate me. i have a rep for being a "whore" but im really not. i get mean comments and everyone makes me cry these days. i only have a few true friends but its really upsetting to me. any advice or things i can do? thanks so much:] !

I'm really sorry about these ignorant people. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about people talking about you. People do it in middle school, high school, college, work... it's a less-than-thrilling part of life. Even though you can't control what these people say, you CAN deal with it.

You have to understand that these people don't even know you. Who are they to judge what they do not know? That's ignorance, and people who judge others in such a way aren't worth your time, so don't waste your precious time with them. Don't talk to them, don't talk about them, don't even think about them if you can help it. Show the world that you are just going to let their negative comments roll off your back. They can waste their time on negativity, that's their problem.

Like I said before, these people can't accurately judge what they don't know. If their comments aren't even true, and people believe the comments, are they even worth your time? No! Your friends and people who see beyond what they've heard about are worth your precious time.
Be confident in yourself. I know you can get through this. I know it sucks right now, but these kinds of situations really show you who your true friends are. You'll get through this, and at the end, your real friends will stick with you.

If you need any more help, let me know!
-Manders

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A boy in my class who I have never really talked to named doug had asked me to jr. prom and I said sure because he is a cute kid and I felt bad. His friend Peter took one of my friends. Jr. Prom is over and I've been talking to Peter a lot. He has kind of hinted that he likes me and asked me to go with him to his friends bbq. I said sure because a lot of my friends were going. But when we went he kind of kept me away from everyone the whole time and kept making hints like "we are more than friends.." and it was weird. Luckily Doug and his friend Norm noticed I was not interested and saved me but man it was weird. Now Peter has been telling people he likes me and I dont know whether to give him a second chance or how to get rid of him without ruining my relationship with his friends. A little help?

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a second chance. If you're not into him now, when you talk to him a lot as it is, your feelings probably won't change.
I would casually sit him down and tell him that while you love your friendship, you don't want any more than that. But if you do want to stay friends and you tell him that, stick to your word.
Put yourself in his shoes. If you liked a guy, and he wasn't really interested, wouldn't you like to know? The answer is probably yes.
By telling him how you feel, you're giving him the chance to find someone who likes him as much as he will like her.
Also, if you give him a second chance and you end up feeling the same as you do now, he may start liking you even more. If that happens, it will be a lot harder on him when you tell him that you don't like him.
He may be let down when you break the news to him, but it will be better for the both of you in the long run.

If you need any more help, let me know!
-Manders

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How do you know if someone is emotionally manipulative of you?

I've noticed a pattern when someone is emotionally manipulative. This is just what I've seen and experienced; I'm sure that there are variations.

At first, the person is usually very nice. It makes sense, because we all tend to put our best faces on when we first meet somebody.
Later on is when the signs become evident. Usually, someone who is emotionally manipulative is insecure, so if they're feeling sad, they want you to feel the same way. So, they tend to bring you down by calling you names (idiot, stupid, etc.) or undermining your accomplishments ("You know, it's really not that big of a deal that you got a raise at work."). By doing so, they make you feel bad, right? At that moment, they have control over your emotions, and they know it. Those kinds of people thrive off of this manipulation, and they will pull this trick multiple times.

Sometimes, it's difficult to spot someone who is emotionally manipulative, but with a lot of observation, it becomes easier to catch.

Just let me know if you need any more help!
-Manders

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theirs this party for our graduation from 8th grade and her brothers from senior in highschool, there will be drinking. im only staying at the party for like 2 hours then i have to go to my school carnival with my friends and cousins and if im drunk theyd kill me. but i wana go its one of my best friends, but if i drink more than just one thatd be bad, altho im not that light at it. if my parents or cousins do notice i drank at all and ask me, what should i say, bc if i say no and they can tell or smell it, what do i do? if i end up drunk what do i do, i have to go to the carnival after :/ what could i do to make the drunkness calm down however you say that lol eat or drink or do anything ill do it. i just need toknow before hand, its this weekend. any advice about going or what i can do if i get drunk.

Just don't drink.

There is NO way to become "un-drunk." Alcohol takes time to go through your system, and nothing can speed up that process. The myths you may have heard about there being a remedy to make alcohol go through your system faster are untrue.
Plus, even if you just drink a beer or two, you're still going to have your breath smell like it.

You don't HAVE to drink. You're about to enter high school; don't start out thinking you have to do something just because everyone else is doing it. Learning to say "no" is a skill you need to learn now. I know you've heard that a million times, but it's true.

Really, don't drink. The chances of your parents and cousins finding out are way, way too high.

If you need anything else, let me know!
-Manders

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I knew my hair was dry but apparently it's bad to what my hairdresser said.I don't use heat or products on my hair and I leave conditioner on for about 20 mins.. but I suppose the damage is due to past dyeings. Any shampoos or treatments I should check out? Any amazing results? I've tried a lot but no change.

I use the Pantene shampoo for color-treated hair, and my hair is pretty soft. What I do is wash my hair first, and then leave the conditioner in while I wash the rest of my body. Then, I wash the conditioner out of my hair right before I get out of the shower. Believe me, it works wonders.

If you have any more questions, let me know!
-Manders

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I am very optimistic around other people, and that brings them joy.

But, i have depression. I have a therapist and Anti-depressants.

I was dating a guy for over a year, and he cheated on me with a girl who was also cheating on her boyfriend.

He says he still cares about me, but it just hurts me more when he talks to me. I do avoid him, but its hard to avoid him in the halls at school.


Im not the boy-crazy type, or the one who obsesses over make-up clothes etc.

I just want to be happy on the inside as well.

anything at all?

When I said that you should be optimistic, I didn't mean that you should just be that way around others. It's a state of mind. You have to THINK confidently and happily, not just act as such.
Thinking confidently, like I said in my previous answer, means realizing your potential and living up to it. You know you're amazing. Believe it. Do things (getting good grades, etc) for YOURSELF, not others. But at the same time, be nice and do things for others because you want to, not because you think it will make them like you more.

I'm sorry about what that guy did to you. I honestly think that you should continue to avoid him. Unless, of course, you have something to tell him. Does he know how much he hurt you? If he doesn't, talking to him may help give you closure and allow you to move on. You deserve someone who respects you, and by cheating, he showed that he's not the most respectful guy ever.

I suggest that you talk to your therapist about this more, if you haven't done so yet. He/she may be able to help you more than I.

I hope I helped a little bit more. But, if I didn't, please send me another message. I really want to help you with anything you need.
-Manders

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So i just joined color gaurd and my friend who is the captain, taught me the school fight song. But it says extension, what is an extension in colorgaurd??

I'm not in band or color guard, so I really am not too sure. Could it perhaps be that what you're doing, or the song, is an extension of the marching band's performance?

I tried. Haha. Sorry, but you're asking the wrong person here.
-Manders

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to be happy? i know a person cant make you happy, or at least keep you happy. so where do you find it?

You find happiness in a good attitude. You can't control what life throws at you, how people view you, or how people treat you; however, you can control how you view yourself and your life.

As I said before, bad things happen to even the best (or happiest) of people. Bad things happen to the optimists, and bad things happen to the pessimists. What differentiates the two kinds of people? Their attitudes, and nothing more.

REAL optimism requires thought and a lot of strength. Anyone can suffer from "blind optimism," where one thinks that life is sunshine and butterflies all the time. In reality, the best way to live is through optimism and realism.
I'll show you the way to do this through an example. Okay, imagine that your significant other just broke up with you, for whatever reason. A pessimist would more than likely wallow in their sorrow and think that nothing good will come from the incident. An "over-optimist" will hope and hope that the significant other will come back to them eventually. See how both of these ways of life are flawed?
A realistic optimist would still feel sorrow. However, instead of seeking self-pity or false hope, they realize that it was meant to be the way it turned out and try to move on. They would also know that they will find happiness elsewhere (in this case, they realize that someone else is better for them than their ex-significant other).

Confidence is another factor. This is also something you must develop within yourself. Style your hair the way you want to style it. Wear tasteful clothes that make you feel beautiful. Be nice to everyone, and see how they treat you the way you treat them. Don't blame yourself for everything, for some things are beyond your control and there is no need to burden yourself with things you can't change. Find your passion and follow it. Don't depend on the opinions of others for happiness, as nobody knows you better than you do. Know that you are AMAZING, but don't be cocky about it. Be yourself, and do it well.

I'll close this off with a quote:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson (later quoted by Nelson Mandela)

I know this was long, and I don't blame you if you fell asleep reading it, but I wanted to put a lot of thought into my answer. I hope it helped somewhat. If you need anything else, let me know!
-Manders

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WHat would be a good thesis statement for this prompt:

Evaluate the relative importance of the following as factors prompting Americans to rebel in 1776:
-parliamentary taxation
-restriction of civil liberties
-British military measures
-the legacy of colonial, religious and
political ideas

and some examples of each bullet would be amazing... im dying here haha

Well, first of all, the point of a thesis statement is to introduce what you wish to talk about in a paper; therefore, examples aren't relevant at this point. Use examples in your supporting paragraphs. The first paragraph as a whole should be kind of brief as well.

I don't want to write it for you, but if I were you, I would simply use this format: "______, _____, and _______ are relevant factors of the American's rebellion against the British in 1776."

Make sure you transition well, too. "Therefore" may be a good word to start this sentence off with.

If you need more help, just let me know!
-Manders

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idk. my best friende killed himself. my boyfriend and ex boyfriend almost got killed in a car accident. my dad was and could stil be a cheater. i finally found someone to love, my boyfriend. He's moving soon. far away. im all by myself. i cant take much more, i can hardly breath, theres no such thing as happiness. everytime i find it, it gets taken away. i cant do this much longer. i try so fuckin hard to get strong, i get there, then something worse happens. its not the first time, its the millionth. so much pain is in my body. ive done the pills. gone to counseling, everything the whole deal. nothing works. i cant do drugs even causeit makes me worse. im all by myself. and when my boyfriend/best friend of one year leaves me, god i dont even know what ill do...

someone help me.

I understand how it feels when things just keep going wrong and it feels like they'll never get better. So, I'm not going to hold anything back here. And what I say may not really comfort you now, but just listen (or read, haha).

I wish I could do something or say something to get your boyfriend to stay. I wish I could bring your best friend back. Unfortunately, I'm no miracle worker. Nobody is. Since these events can't be avoided or reversed, please try your hardest to cope with and accept them. It will help you so much on the road to recovery. You can't heal pain without accepting the events that caused such pain. Denial won't change anything.

I heard a quote once that said that if you can't change an event, change your attitude. I live by that phrase, and whoever said it was a genius.
Please try your hardest to be optimistic. I know it's hard. Believe me, this year has made me lose a lot more than I ever wanted to. But even so, I've learned that wallowing in my pain and loneliness will not bring my friends back. Hold your head up high, even though it may be difficult.

Your pain isn't in vain (and I promise, I didn't mean to make that rhyme, haha). By experiencing what you are now, you could use your wisdom to help someone in the future.

Also, I have to add that you shouldn't resort to drugs. If you do, you're only running away from everything going on, and that doesn't mean that it's going to fade away. Eventually, you could possibly deal with a drug problem AND everything you're dealing with now. Don't do it.

Please stay strong. I know you can pull through this. Happiness sometimes is hard to find in darkness, but nothing is impossible.

I'm always here for you.
-Manders

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i have lost my best m8 and i cant stop crying and crying she has met a new bff and it is really hard to get over her how can i deal with it

I'd love to answer your question, but I really need to know more about your situation: How'd you lose your friend? Do you two still talk? If you can emphasize a bit more, send me another question to my inbox and I'll be more than glad to answer!
-Manders

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I tear my face up. It's this horrible habit that started when i was younger, but it's gotten to be a real problem now that i've got the whole "teen angst" thing going on. :|. My mom threatens to ground me or take away my mirror whenever she notices that i've got meaty-looking wounds on my face. It starts like I'm just popping a zit or something but my face is actually clear. I squeeze every pore, and my face takes FOREVER to heal because it's really all beat up. I have to wear tons of concealer to look normal, and it's really starting to get on my nerves. I've even promised my best friend that i would stop, but, alas, I've recently broken that promise. I can tell myself to stop. I DO tell myself to stop... but i just CAN'T STOP. It's especially bad after some form of drama, or before bed after a long, bad day.
So, i'm wondering what i should do. I know you're not a doctor, but i was wondering if you had any interesting ideas of ways i can make myself stop.

Thank you,
Waffle.

Believe it or not, there's a name for your habit: Dermatillomania. It's what is called an impulse control disorder, which is a group of psychiatric disorders that involve a long-term loss in exchange for a short-term gain. For example, your skin-picking is your gain, at the time. You feel as if you have done something positive when you finish picking your face. Well, such a feeling won't be present when you look at your scarred face in the future.

First and foremost, change your state of mind. You KNOW that picking your face is going to look bad in the future. Make it a goal to have a scab-free face. Maybe when you see how good that looks, you'll be more willing to stop.
Also, think of it this way: Your skin-picking, like worrying or cutting, will do NOTHING to solve your problem. All it will achieve is creating another problem.

Second of all, you should find other non-destructive ways to occupy your hands. For example, using a Rubix cube or writing.

If it is really extreme and none of those methods seem to help, you may want to go to a psychologist for treatment. Just be aware that you're not the only one who picks her skin.

If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!
-Manders

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