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He was everything I wanted, except the abuse. How do I get over him?
Hi everyone, 23 and female here...
I saw the red flags, but I had just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship; I refused to believe that I had run straight into a worse situation...but I had.
I've been free of him since mid-October, when I took the day off work, gathered my things, and left. We were living together in the house he bought to share with me, talking about marriage and kids...I know it sounds bizarre, given the abuse, but in his own sick way, he loved me. I never doubted that...and I loved him. If I listed the qualities of my dream guy, I would almost describe him. I dreamed of spending my life with him until he started to physically hurt me.
So here's my problem:
When I left him, I turned off my emotions. If I had let myself feel, I knew I wouldn't have been able to do it. Until this past Saturday, I've been pleasantly numb. I'm very busy, I have a lot of responsibility at work, and I don't have time or energy to waste on being upset. All of a sudden, that logic doesn't seem to be helping, and I find myself biting back tears all the time. I realized that I know only two ways to cope with things: to suppress what I'm feeling completely, or to let it take over.
I have a therapist, but I don't think I'm getting what I need from her. I've seen seven different therapists in my short life and none of them have been able to help me. I'm also on an antidepressant, and STILL having these problems.
I know this is kind of vague, but I don't know what to ask, exactly. I just...need help...any help. Please.
Thanks to all who try.
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Okay, I'm sorry, but you have no right to say that to me. I'm sorry I tried to help.... I'm only 13.... So no need to cuss at me. Thanks
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Well it sounds like you have been going through a rough time. If you can afford to take a day off from work (or take a sick day) you should stay home and write all your thoughts and feelings down on paper so you can visually see them. Than write down everything you do not like about your ex, and the things you do like. Than think about it and say with all the good qualities remember that there is a man out there for you with all those good qualities than will not have the bad ones that he had. In that day you take off (or a weekend day that you do not work) invite a close friend over or family member who knows you the best, and talk to them. Than afterwards go out somewhere to help distract you and remember time heals pain, and friends and family are always there for you to lean back on. And if bad things never occured in life, we would never appreciate the good things than come our way.
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Don't suppress your emotions; they'll come back to haunt the hell out of you later... and they'll be worse. Instead, confront them now. I can't really tell you how to cope because everyone has their own way of doing so (depending on the individual situation).
Let go of the delusion that this guy was your "dream guy." He was not and is not your dream man. Your dream man will treat you like you matter, because in reality, you matter so much. NEVER determine an ideal man by his personality traits alone; judge him by those as well as how he affects and treats you. The latter is just as important.
As far as treatments go, ask whoever you're getting your prescription from about trying a different antidepressant. There are a lot to choose from, and they affect levels of different neurotransmitters. Honestly, they aren't all created equal, nor do they affect the brain in the same ways. Inquire.
Have your various therapists tried different therapies? "Talking it out" isn't always effective. Certain cognitive behavioral therapies (CBTs) should also be considered. Ask your therapist about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). It's a highly underrated form of therapy that's often used on people suffering from emotional trauma yielded by traumatic events; I actually went through it, and it was rather effective.
You're worth more than this guy made you believe. You'll pull through the situation; if anything, experiencing this will make you appreciate someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That man will be your real "dream guy," not this loser who emotionally abused you.
Stay strong, and good luck. :)
-Manders
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You stated you have been keeping yourself busy with work but let me ask a question, Are you filling in the blanks with things you enjoy doing?
I would recommend taking some time to relax, The moments you have to yourself read a book, listen to music (music that takes your mind off things) go for a walk, hang out with friends and family. You need it
You are on the right track, Keeping yourself busy will help you cope with things but on the other hand you also need YOU time. At night when you take a shower bring the radio in the bathroom. Instead of a shower try taking a long hot bath. Anti-Depressants, They help with depression but they don't completely cure the problem. If you feel your medication isn't working properly then you need to consult your doctor but ask yourself to whether this is actually your pills not working or a part of your grieving process. Grieving comes in different stages 1. (Shock and Denial) 2. (Pain & Guilt) 3.(Anger) 4. (Depression & Loneliness) 5.(The Upward Turn) 6. (Reconstruction) 7. (Acceptance & Hope) The best thing to do is if you are still in contact with your ex, Cut all contact. That is the first step. Try and spend time with family and friends when you can as they will always be there to help you. If your therapist isn't helping try requesting a new one and as I am not a doctor but maybe you could see a psychiatrist also.
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You seem like a very strong woman. Turing off your emotions is a bad thing for girls though. Because we need to feel things we can't run away from them. Guys use logic to get through it because that's how their brains work. What I suggest is taking some time alone with yourself. You need to know who you are. Being busy is good but you need to be alone and really know who you are and what your doing and get focused with your emotions. It's ok to cry but don't cry alone cry with your girlfriends. You HAVE to let it out I don't care how bad it hurts you your a girl and it's part of your nature to feel. If you don't feel anything than you will hurt yourself more. I hope you feel better about this situation and about yourself. Once you get yourself centered. You need to put your best foot forward. Look forward to the future of dating. Be excited about dating someone new again. But make sure you are focused first.
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