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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So here's the story.
My friend is from France and he goes to college here in America. He wound up agreeing to marry a girl here so he could get his green card and because she seemed really nice. They wound up creating a joint bank account and everything to make the government believe they really loved each other.
Well she wound up becoming a monster after he married her. She quit working, lives in his apartment, uses his car, and cheats on him all the time even in his own place. He gets paid mostly in tips and only has the one bank account (with her) since he's not a full citizen for another 2 years.
Well she's been immediately taking his money out of their account and spending it on strange things like weekend trips without him in other states.
He said he needs somebody to store his money for him and wants me to be that person because he says I'm the only person he trusts.
Is there any way I can get in trouble if I just take the cash and hold it somewhere even if it's outside of a bank account (like just in cash form in a drawer or something)?
I've known him for a while and know he's not a liar, but still I worry because I don't want to get scammed by him or his wife. I asked him if he can wire it to family, but they're out of the country and this would be difficult for him and cost him money in wiring rates. If I hold it he can also easily access it.
I'm really worried about it though. Is there any way this could go badly as long as I don't spend the cash and don't deposit it in my account?
The Answer
No one here is your lawyer, so none of this advice is going to be solid legal advice.
However, I would not help you friend in this way. You may end up stuck with conspiracy or fraud charges. Either for helping him in his immigration fraud, or, what is likely also going to end up being tax fraud.
Frankly, there shouldn't be a reason he can't open his own account, where she can't touch the money, except for reasons that also mean you shouldn't get involved. If he hiding assets to avoid taxation, or because of the eventual divorce, both of those are crimes.
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The Question
I have a friend I've known for years, recently he came to me saying he had depression. I've been helping him through it but now he's saying he has anxiety - I have anxiety so I've caught him out in a few lies about anxiety because I know a hell of a lot about it myself. Some of the things he says doesn't add up, and he comes to me all the time saying ''I'm going to kill myself on this day'' and I know people with an actual intention of committing suicide don't tell people. I want to be there for him, but with the lies and the constant empty threats of suicide I don't know what to believe. Nothing adds up, he always says he feels like shit but then he's laughing and smiling, if I say I have a problem he says he has it too, he always turns it over to him - for example, I told him the other day I was feeling anxious and he said ''Me too.'' and suddenly started breathing irregularly even though a minute ago he was fine, he told me he's been told by his therapist that he may have bipolar, alchzhimer's and all kinds of crazy diseases that are impossible for him to have at his age, and very unlikely for him to have all of them (he named about 6). He says he wants someone to listen to him and to help him but he always comes to me for advice, it's like he comes to me because I'm the only option and he has nobody else. I don't know what to do. I don't need this kind of negativity in my life but I don't want to abandon him if he really is going through stuff. Is he attention seeking or is he genuinely having problems?
The Answer
He's probably seeking attention AND genuinely having problems, even if they aren't all the problems he's naming.
None of which means you can't put up healthy boundaries. Let him know that although you care for him, you've been dealing with your own stuff long enough to know that you have to take care of yourself first. If he needs more support, then he needs more professional support. It's not fair to expect you to take on that burden.
Don't worry about catching him in lies. That's not going to be healthy or helpful for either of you. Just speak up for what you need. If you need some space, then tell him that.
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The Question
So I sent this girl Emily I really like this message and then when she responded I was confused by what she said. I know nothing is gonna happen between us right now because she does have a boyfriend but by her response do you think I will ever have a chance? I'm 16 and she is going to turn 17 very soon.(I changed the names)
"It's been almost three years since I met you. Honestly I never thought I would be writing and sending this message. When I first met you it wasn't much more then a hi. I remember sitting behind you in Caudill thinking man is she pretty. That whole time I never thought I would come to know you as well as I do. All of freshman year you were this beautiful girl I was starting to get to know who was actually into show choir. Now right before schools starts sophomore year I get invited to your birthday party. That was a stressful time for me because I had no clue what to get you. Then I realized a necklace would be perfect and I sat down on the computer and looked at the necklaces for the one I think you would like. Then I found it a small silver necklace that screamed perfect at me. Well i went to your party and gave you the necklace.
Which you said you liked but in my mind I thought you would never wear it. Well camp rolls around and schools starts. It was a normal year I had my new lover Wyatt and I was finally one of the boys with the creation of the four horsemen. But the thing that really stuck with me was that you actually wore the necklace I got you and that was amazing to me. We also talked a lot more and in general got a lot closer. During that time though I started felling something towards you. Something weird. Something I didn't feel with Phoebe
at the time. Then time went on and that feeling only got bigger and stronger. Then the musical came and with it came Hunter. We all were telling you things about him and I'll admit me saying things was a little out of jealousy, nevertheless they were still true. But I had told everyone and this point I had a crush on you. It wasn't anything big but it was there. Well then came the period where I still liked you but you were with Hunter and me Ash. Well then Hunter cheated and I was there to help you. I held you when you cried and talked to you also. I was with you through and through I knew how much Hunter hurt you and being there for you only made my crush larger. Every time you cried or the times when you doubted yourself you were always gorgeous to me and I never thought differently of you for anything. Even when you thought about maybe forgiving Hunter. Then I broke up with Ashley. I was now alone and I was ok with that. But the longer time went on after I broke up with her the more I started thinking about you. That like 2-3 month period shoulda have been when said all this but I couldn't. I wasn't only terrified but I also never thought it was the right time. You weren't eating, and then you would be sick, and you wouldn't tell me things and I was worried. Then school was getting ready to end and I found out through the grape vine you were talking to Dylan. I immediately just shut off any feelings and emotions and I made myself forget because you were with another guy and I was 99.9% sure you had no interest in me (I still am) and you were gonna be with Dylan for a little while. I was happy you were happy. And I honestly really did just block everything out. Now Dylan cheated too and everything is back. I have no clue your status with him as of now and at this point I don't care. I just want this all out. Emily I really do like you. I'm not here to like beg you for a date or ask you out. I'm not here for that at all. I'm here because I am 99.9% sure you already know and I just want it out on the table so no matter what happens it's not the elephant in the room with us. I honestly do like you and I am glad I finally worked up the courage to just say it. Emily no matter what anyone says you are so amazing, compassionate, kind, gorgeous, and the list can go on. Now it's just about to be junior year. After this year we only have one year left and after that who knows what's going to happen. I have screwed up a lot in my life but not this time. I'm not gonna let this just skim by for the next two years I'm addressing it now. I don't expect anything to change I don't expect you are just gonna be wooed. Because you won't be and things probably won't change and honestly I'll come to accept that. I don't need a response anytime soon. Just whenever you want to you have my number."
(Her response)
"I really love you Brandon. But as of right now, as a friend. And you know that. Even tho I haven't talked to you a lot this summer you're still one of my bestfriends. And he didn't cheat. But I know you're always there for me and we'll just see where thing a go. But I really appreciate you saying this to me. Honestly I really do"
The Answer
No. I don't think you 'have a chance'. Definitely not now, and probably not ever. You seem to believe she's never really had those sorts of feelings about you—there is no reason to think that will magically change.
If you really value her friendship, you need to truly accept that. You say that you've accepted that, but if you're still coming to a website like this asking what she meant, and if you have a chance... then you haven't. You haven't' fully let this go, and fully letting this go, is the respect she deserves right now.
There is nothing confusing about what she said. She said no. She tried to do it gently, and spare your feelings, but it was clearly, 100% a No.
The only thing that is left to see here, is whether or not you can be respectful of her and still be her friend, or if that is something you are not capable of doing.
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The Question
I feel like I am losing the most important relationship of my life and I don't know what I can do.
I am 25 years old woman and I've been studying with my acting coach Jason for over 10 years. It all began when he cast me in my first-ever play at the age of 14. From that moment on, I became hooked on theatre and never looked back. Over the years, Jason has been without question the most important person I've known. As a teenager, he was my everything. I have never had a single friend in my entire life and he was the only person who cared about me and believed in me. As a teacher, Jason was absolutely invaluable in helping me develop monologues and prepare for auditions. Honestly I can't think of where I would be if it weren't for everything he's given me.
However, over this past year I've noticed him taking a backseat in our lessons together. In the past, he would've done everything he could to help me step up my work, but lately he seemed to be content just to sit back and throw out suggestions. It certainly has nothing to do with him losing his teaching/directing abilities..... I saw him very recently, in a play we did together, coach an opera singer with no acting skill to speak of and help her get to where she needed to be for the performance. It just feels like for some reason, he's been unable or unwilling to do for me what he had in the past. If I found myself stuck and asked for further help, he would get angry and offended and upset. He would turn the whole thing around and make it all about himself and his feelings, and increasingly I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells in our coachings. Finally one day we had a blowout fight when I was struggling in a monologue and told him that I wasn't feeling supported by him. At the end of the hour, he apologized for his behavior and we made up. But after that, I went into every one of our lessons with a bit of trepidation; I wasn't sure how he was going to act or whether or not we would have to have an unpleasant conversation in order to get him to be a nurturing teacher again.
I recently got into a highly prestigious MFA acting program in a different part of the country. After I got my acceptance letter, I decided it was a good time to end my work with Jason. I told him that I just wanted to take a break from our lessons because I was so worn out from all the recent auditions. He agreed that a hiatus was a good idea.
In truth I have no intention of going back to study with him.... now that I'm about to enter an extraordinarily demanding master's program in September, there's really no need to continue coaching. It's gotten to a point where he just isn't serving me well anymore as a teacher. I plan to tell him that I can't afford to see him anymore because my manager is cutting back my hours at my current day job. But the thing is, I'm getting the weird feeling that he's avoiding me. He hasn't returned any of my phone calls in nearly a month, which is extremely odd for him. Jason is usually very prompt about calling back. The one time I did get ahold of him, his manner was completely different. He said, "hi, what can I do for you?" It's not that he was aloof or formal or anything, it's just that that's the way he would probably talk to any acquaintance. Whenever I've seen him in rehearsals, he is warm and friendly to me like he is to everyone, but I'm not sensing the same rapport that we used to.
I still love Jason so very much and the idea that he might be icing me out is seriously devastating. Also I am so scared of moving so far away without anyone that I'll be able to call if things happen. Jason was my sole source of emotional support all these years and I can't imagine my life without him. What can I do?
The Answer
I can absolutely understand why this is upsetting to you... however, all I can see here is that he feels the same way you do: Your work has come to a natural end. He may also be struggling with how to deal with that, and how to approach you now.
What you are calling his 'icing you out' is not all that different than your plan to tell him you can't afford to see him, when in fact, you don't really want to see him as your coach anymore. It may be upsetting to you, but it seems reasonable to assume that he feels the same, and doesn't want to be your coach.
Now that your coaching relationship has come to an end, a friendship, a real friendship between two people could develop over time, but it's not going to suddenly be there. That rapport is over, you'll need to build a new one with him.
If you want to maintain this relationship, and develop a real adult friendship, then call him up and invite him to dinner, or to see a show with you. Invite him out like you would a friend.
Change is scary. It's okay that is' scary. You're facing a lot of change all at once. Your relationship with Jason must change now too—you aren't his client anymore. If you want to be his friend, that's going to take some time, and he's going to have to want the same thing. It's possible that he doesn't want that. You'll need to speak up and ask.
The only way you'll know is to reach out and try to build a friendship. My advice would be to start now, before there is a greater physical distance between you as well.
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The Question
I have this friend who told me yesterday that he has feelings for me and he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him some time. We've been close friends for about 4 years now, but I'm not interested in him at all like that. I told him I'm not interested, sorry,but don't worry this doesn't have to affect our friendship at all. And I genuinely mean that, he's my friend and I'm more than capable of not being awkward just because he has a little crush.
The thing is him telling me this made me think of something that happened a few months ago. A bunch of friends and I went out one night, he was there, and I got pretty drunk, like to the point where when we got back to another friend's house, where we were staying that night, I ended up puking then I passed out on a couch. The next morning when I woke up on the couch, he was lying on the couch next to me. He said he just fell asleep on that couch too, that he was tired and just too lazy to move to another couch, but he hadn't been drinking, he was completely sober, and there were plenty of other empty couches that he could have slept on. He has since, on multiple occasions, made a big deal about how he can only sleep on flat surfaces like beds and how even lying flat out on a couch he can't sleep like that because he's too tall for couches.
At the time I tried not to think too much of it, I didn't have any reason not to believe him, he's a good friend of mine, he said he just fell asleep on the couch, so I just assumed he wasn't lying.
Now I think he took advantage of the fact I was blackout drunk. And I'm angry about that, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable about the whole situation. I feel bad for him, it sucks when you have feelings for someone and they don't feel them back, and he's a good friend of mine, I care about him, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I feel like what he did was not okay. At all.
So basically I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to him, and I just want advice, I want to know what other people would do in my situation, I want to know if I'm justified in feeling angry about what happened.
The Answer
You're justified in feeling angry and uncomfortable, but at this point, all you can really do is decide if you actually still want to be his friend or not in light of how you now view his behaviour.
Honestly, in your shoes, I'd likely choose to cool down or end the friendship completely. Confronting him or speaking to him about the incident, is unlikely to make anything better between you. It's pretty unlikely he'll acknowledge that he made a very poor choice by taking an opportunity to be that physically close to you while you were blackout drunk. The very best thing that can be said about what he did, was that it was a poor choice, and it could be called much worse than that.
You aren't quite suggesting here than you believe assaulted you. If you don't believe that happened, or are just uncomfortable with the fact you can't know for certain that he didn't, then the best choice is probably to keep yourself safe and stay away from him.
It is okay that the very doubt about what happened, changes the friendship for you. Those feelings are not wrong. Your first job is to keep yourself safe, not make some guy feel okay about a stupid thing he did.
It's okay to both feel sorry for him because he has a crush that doesn't feel the same way, and feel like he's not a person you want to keep close as a friend. Both of those things can be true at the same time.
Also, please ignore Justafriend1234 and their 'friendly' advice about drinking. Getting black out drunk is never a good thing. Everyone fucking knows that. You know that. You don't need people to shame you when you express concern for your safety, because being blackout drunk also NEVER means another person should take advantage of that situation in any way. If you stripped naked and fell down on top of him, he still should have behave respectfully, tried to keep you safe and not taken advantage of the moment to be closer to you then necessary to keep you safe. It's not actually complicated, even though some guys like to pretend that "not being an asshole" is really hard work and confusing. It's not.
Forgiving someone is nearly always the right thing to do, but forgiveness does NOT mean the friendship must continue or be the same as before. Forgiveness just means letting go of anger. It doesn't mean pretending something didn't happen that did.
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The Question
my close guy friend always gives me short but deep shoulder massages just smiling at me...now he doesn't like me like that, it has been established we are just friends, nothing more...well I asked him why does he do that whenever he sees me, he said I dunno and stared at me with seriousness.....
I liked him as more than a friend and asked him out about a year ago, and he just wanted to stay friends and I agreed and now when we are out and about he gets jealous if other men talk to me or give me any type of attention...I reminded him that he wanted to stay friends and he said that's all we are, i said yes this is what you wanted...and all of a sudden he does the shoulder massages etc....I asked him why does he do that and he said nothing but stared at me with seriousness....can anyone help me out? thanks
The Answer
He's a dick. He might like you, but he doesn't like you enough to stop acting like a dick.
Sorry. You may still like him, but if he's acting possessive of you while also claiming he doesn't want to date or do anything else, then he's acting in a shitty way.
You've done the right thing: You've pointed out the problem, but he hasn't stopped. Perhaps, he hasn't acknowledged that what he is doing is shitty. If someone keeps doing something shitty, after you've pointed it out them, then they are dick, and you should stay away from them.
This guy isn't a great friend if he's going to treat you like this. If he is going to both reject you and flirt with you and be jealous and shitty about others in your life. If he can't get his act togeather, and have his behaviour line up with the things he is saying, then it's best to stay away from him.
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The Question
Hello,
I'm from Brazil.
I need to clarify that i'm a girl, who had a relationship with another girl, so if thats not something thats not approved here, feel free to not answer.
We broke up a year ago (or more) and yesterday she talked to me and apologized for everything that went bad in our past relashionship (and it was a lot, not just her fault), I did the same thing and then we talked about how our lives were going for the most of the day. Today I started a conversation about a random subject, but that was quick and then we didnt talk for the rest of the day. Now I'm not sure if she just wanted to apologize and that was it, or try and be friends again (which we were before we dated). I dont tend to start conversations and as I did it today, I was wondering If I should try it again tomorrow to see how that goes.
And she has a girlfriend now, even If I dont like her like that anymore its still a bit weird.
Sorry it's so long and superficial, thank you for taking the time if you did.
The Answer
Do you want to be friends again? You left that bit out.
Forget about what she might want for a minute, or have intended. What do you want? If you want to be friends again, then keep on starting friendly conversations. If you don't, then don't start those conversations.
I'd guess that she probably just wanted to apologize and make some peace, but that'd just be me guessing. You have more information about this person than any random person online can ever have, so you should trust our guesses.
If you want to know for sure, you could just ask her if she would want to try and be friends again or not.
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The Question
So I will start off by saying 24/female. I have been now living around the world for two years, across 4 continents and am really enjoying this lifestyle for the moment. It is a true blessing that even though I made happen, I still feel lucky to have the opportunity. I even fell in love in one of these places, and though its not perfect due to the traveling nature of both our jobs, it makes me happy.
The question I want to ask is regarding friendship. My friends from back home although I try to keep them in the loop of my life as often as I can, do not really know what is happening, which country I am in, or any real details about my love life.
Recently talking to a friend from home she asked me how my relationship was, and I told her it was great, though i went into detail for the first time about why it is challenging. Her answer truly disturbed me and made me wonder, do good people say and think things out of jealousy subconsciously even when they don't mean to?
Her answer to me explaining the challenges of the relationship was matter of factly, without her really knowing the details, the guy, or the situation at all. it was simply: " I don't mean to hurt you but it sounds to me like you're just not the one for him, he doesnt really love you". She was implying that if he did love me none of the challenges I described would exist because in the end love conquers all????
For someone to say that when they don't know much about the situation just made me think...is it possible that people say things because they are subconsciously rooting for you to fail (not because of anything to do with you, but because they feel better about their own lives and situation if they see someone else struggling).
I don't want to think my friend is like this on purpose, or at all, but the whole ordeal just made me want to stop telling anyone any details and just keep what is my personal life to myself. In the end you are the one that has to live with it and make decisions, but having an answer as such coming from a friend really took me aback, not because I think she is right (although I've considered all sides of this), but because during the whole conversation, no other option seemed possible to her except that I should dump him and be single because he doesn't love me. And with this girl according to her no guy has ever loved me because this has always been her advice. (I've only had 3 guys in my whole life and not one of them was good enough or truly loved me according to her)
Just doesn't seem right to me.
What do you think?
The Answer
I think you are making the same mistakes as your friend did. You are assuming the worst of her, assuming she doesn't care enough when it's much, much more likely she is simply reflecting her own life experience and responding to the very limited information about your life.
If you think she is subconsciously rooting for you to fail, then you shouldn't be her friend, but honestly, you should check yourself on that assumption. It's almost more unkind than any of her assumptions about your relationship.
Chances are very good that her negativity is having a far greater impact on her own life than it could ever have on yours. So let it go. So she gives bad advice on guys. Sounds like this wasn't the first time she'd given you bad advice on guys either—you already knew this wasn't a strength of hers. Stop looking to her for advice on guys. If you have a friendship that is strong in other ways, focus on those other ways, and trust your own judgement when it comes to guys.
Don't let one person's bad advice create your entire outlook on advice and friendship. That's a bit overblown, and you are going to end up cutting yourself off from some good advice and support as well as the bad.
You are right that in the end, we need to make our own choices and live with them, but honestly, you also need to have the strength of character to accept that other people may view your choices differently, without shutting down, tuning out and never talking about your life with anyone.
We all have our weaknesses, our biases and our damages, but most of us do not actually want to hurt others. When someone gives you horrible advice, it's far more likely that they are reflecting their own struggles and biases than they are trying to do you any harm—even unconsciously. It means they are a bad person to seek advice from. It doesn't mean people are evil and all advice is bad.
I know this friend's comments hurt you, but you need to take a big step back from this ledge and put her comments in the context of your wider life. There are people worth listening to and considering their opinions. There are people who are not so much worth listening too. You've learned something about this one person. Don't let her mistakes colour your entire outlook.
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The Question
I have a friend, we have been friends since Pre-K. I have always had strong feelings for him, but I never saw him interested in being anything more than friends. Now he claims that he likes a girl in our school and grade but he couldn't tell me who because of 1 thing. So, naturally, I asked him what that 1 thing was and he said he couldn't say. I think his friends know who he likes, but he wouldn't tell me. Finally I pestered him enough and he told me he liked a girl at our school named Lauren Freeman, but I checked the directory and there is no one named Lauren...do you think it's me? Should I tell him I like him after 10 years of friendship? WHAT DO I DO?
The Answer
Crazy idea: You could be honest.
You've liked him for years, this would be a good time to tell him.
One of you is going to have to be brave enough to risk rejection. If it's not gonna be him, then maybe it needs to be you.
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The Question
I am 16 and I'm a female. i moved to a new town about 8 months ago and I've made amazing new friends and I love them. My best friend from my old town gets jealous of my new friends and she was being rude to one of my new friends online so I defended my new friends and not her. I called her immature and she is very upset with me now. How should I tell her it was her fault and she shouldn't have been rude? I don't want to apologize because I feel I did nothing wrong
The Answer
Do you want to be right or do you want to keep her friendship?
Of course you should stand up for your friends, but let's be honest, you probably could have done that without calling your old friend names and insulting her. Just because you are doing the right thing, doesn't mean you do it a way that is 100% okay.
Your old friend is in pain, and insecure. That's normal and perfectly human. If you don't cut her any slack on that normal, human pain she's feeling, she isn't going to be your friend anymore.
It's fine to say you don't owe her an apology, but you do owe her some more sympathy and respect than you are showing in your question here. If you don't give her some of that sympathy and respect, it'll be your fault the friendship is over just as much as it'll be hers.
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The Question
i have friends that copies me?? for example i really like this singer for a long time and all my friends know it and then suddenly my friend A copied me and said how his songs are good and stuff and in my heart i was like ".... i told you... now ur here telling me how good he is but i already know..." and friend A also copy my other interests and it is kind of annoying. my other closer friend B, she is a close friend of mine but shes been copying me since forever but i didnt really care because shes my best friend. but recently she copied my hairstyle, and also my taste in music, AND my interests. i also told her some famous youtubers and few months later she starts fangirling about them and in my heart im like "what the hell stop trying to be me and talk about what i like".
i cant tell them that to stop copying me because im scared and tbh im not that good o perfect so im afraid theyll say something like im not copying you, i like them too. i know its their freedom to like what they want but it just pisses me off how they like the exact same thing as me and other people thinks they know that thing (things that they copy) better than me.
tl;dr
friends kept copying my style and other people thought they found it out my themselves but its actually me who taught them trendy topics.
thanks for reading... i really want to know how to stop them from copying me without being rude
The Answer
You don't own a singer. Or public youtube videos. Or even hairstyles. You don't own trends. Trendy things exist because of people jumping on board, and copying them. If you always want to be 'trendy' then you'll need to constantly update your trends to keep ahead of people like your friends. It's really that simple.
The healthy thing tho, would be not to worry about who is the most on trend, and not need to be expert on these things, and just enjoy what you enjoy without stressing about other people. Honestly, there is no reason to care if strangers think one of your friends knows more about a YouTuber than you do. That is really, really meaningless.
You need to work on your own attitude. It's okay to be frustrated, but that is where it's got to end. If being trendy is really important to you, then you'll need to spend a lot of time staying ahead of people who find out about trends later on. But if what is important to you is just liking what you like and having friends, then you need to chill out.
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The Question
so i have 2 friends, A, and B. A and I are closer and but B still counts as our best friend. so the thing is whenever we 3 are together, A kept on trying to be in the middle and keeps talking to B as if she wants B only to herself, so i feel kind of isolated. besides, i dont want B to feel closer to A than me, because it is not fair, it would be better if we like each other fairly.
A talks to B about their common interests for example a famous youtuber called pewdiepie. B liked him for so long, but A just recently liked him and i know before she doesnt even watch his videos. one morning we were walking to school and A in the middle as usual, was talking about how she likes pewdiepie's videos and B agreeing, and I was like hey A i didnt know u like pewdiepie? and she replied omg i liked him for so long already and i was like okay...
but i know its just a recent and vague interest because i taught her about famous youtubers and without me, A will still be the lame nerd that she used to be and read books in her free time.
The Answer
Liking each other 'fairly' doesn't mean things won't change
or shift, or that people won't have different levels of interest. Fair, doesn't mean exactly the same. It's means hoenstly and with respect and kindess.
You are the one being unfair, when you start acting like a mean girl and insulting A for her interests and calling her name like 'lame nerd'. If I were A, and you were treating me that way, I'd probably want to spend more time with B too!
This is the sort of thing you need to be mature enough to deal with—your friends also have relationships with each other. Stop being so threatened and start being a good friend to maintain the special friendships you have with each of them. Fair means respect and kindness. If you act out with this mean girl shit of jealousy and judgement, you're not going to build healthy friendships with either of them.
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The Question
21/f
I have a gay best friend who has recently smothered me from the details of his new relationship. I hear about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Literally. I am currently down and in a rut when it comes to my love life. And he knows this. He has,I'm not kidding,informed me if EVERY date,kiss,bite and sex they've had. And I just couldn't stand it anymore. I am by no means jealous. I just don't want to hear about relationships until I get my life together. So I sent him a message with this content:
"I have a favour to ask. And I know it's going to sound selfish,but I have to make this request. You know that I really don't have my shit together when it comes to my love life. And frankly it makes me uncomfortable hearing about you and him every single day. It's not about jealousy,I just think you're sharing too much of what is supposed to be private. Nonetheless I'm very glad that you two are happy. There,I had to get that off my chest."
And he replied by berating me about doing the same when I was dating so he thought it was OK. While I did tell him about my relationships,I never went into so much detail,and every single day. I feel at ease that I won't listen to that anymore,but I fesr I may lose his friendship now. Am I a bad person for simply wanting to be at peace from his constant nagging?
The Answer
Yes, it was a bit selfish, but it probably wasn't a mistake to talk about your feelings.
It's good to be a bit selfish about your own needs and happiness. In friendships or relationships, it's good to speak up for yourself.
But you did fuck up. Here is where you fucked up:
When he said "But you did this too!!!" the right response was "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I don't want us to hurt each other."
Maybe he IS worse at this then you ever were, but it was still unkind not to acknowledge his feelings on the matter. It was okay to not want to hear about his relationship all the time. It was not okay to get your back up, and refuse to listen to HIS experience of your behavior.
Honestly, the best thing you can do right now, is apologize if you ever made his feel upset or in pain when you were sharing your relationship happiness - because he deserves to have his feelings respected just as much as you deserve to have yours respected. Instead of getting defensive, and insisting you were never as bad as he is, remind him that you really want him to speak up if something you are doing (like talking about your relationship happiness all the time) is hurting him.
Maybe talking about your relationship as you did didn't actually upset him - hopefully, if that's the case, he'll realize that the important part here is not about it being exactly 'the same' for each person, but about respecting that different people may feel differently. But your best path forward is still to apologize for any pain you did cause him, and tell him how much you appreciate having a friendship where you can be honest and take good care of each other.
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The Question
I have this guy friend, (that i really like but i'll save that for another day) who likes to talk with me about a lot of things. Recently he was talking about my good friend Kristina and how he thought she was moving too fast. Kristina has been hugging him a lot and holding him arm (almost clingy if you get what i mean) and laying her head on his shoulder in church. For my church that's really awkward and jaedon (the guy friend) finds it all too awkward and fast. he also said that he thinks they haven't been talking long enough. So i thought about telling Kristina, but i have never told anyone anything jaedon has said to me privately. They are both my friends and whenever me and him talked before it would always be someone i had no relation to. So i don't want to betray him by telling Kristina what he told me. But i also don't want to see my friend unhappy. What should i do?
Also i like jaedon a lot but i wouldn't want to date someone she likes (especially since so is a drama queen, like she calls this one girl who likes jaedon boyfriend stealer and satan... its bad lmao)
The Answer
It's probably best you do nothing.
Jaedon didn't ask you to interfere to help, and Kristina is almost guaranteed to perceive any comments as meddling or worse - as an attempt to steal her boyfriend.
Best to just relax. Give advice if it's asked for (without betraying confidence) and encourage Jaedon to stand up for his boundaries and comfort level. Right now, that is what Jaedon needs to hear: That it's okay to ask for his boundaries to be respected.
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The Question
i frequent my bank, and there is a new teller there and ive notice she is always eager to help me and if I don't go to her window she gets upset and wont speak to me, or if I don't speak to her she gets upset....today I called the bank and boy was she extra happy...I can feel her just smiling in the background....wth...should I ask her what's up or just leave it alone? my bro thinks she is prolly bi and has a crush on me and told me to give her my number....she is younger than me I do know that much.....and she comes off as freaky.....what do u all think is she just being friendly or does she like me like? thanks
SO should I give her my number or wait to see if she's gonna ask me for mine....im not an outdoorsy person but I wouldn't mind chillin with her
The Answer
I think you need to leave this alone.
This is her job. If you are there frequently, it's perfect appropriate for her to give you special attention—as a customer. Her flirting crosses the line when it makes you uncomfortable and confused (and it sounds like she has crossed that line and may have behaved rudely.)
The best thing you can do is shrug this off. There is a lot bad that come of pursuing it, and not much good.
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The Question
I have this guy friend who I met on a game online 5 years ago. Even though the game shut down, our communication continues (not that communication that we talked everyday). We never meet because we're far from each other and we had phone calls maybe 3 years ago together with some friends.
Then 2014, I studied to a place that he can reach, but still we never meet. During my vacation (december 2015), we became closer, we chat 24/7. Then new years, he said he likes me, and I don't feel the same. He said that its okay and lets stay the same but everything's awkward. Then he's asking if we can meet. I refused because (1) i never meet someone I met online (2) he likes me (3) I'm an introvert. No one's initiating the conversation and I actually want to talk with him since I'm attached and I don't have other someone to tell whats happening with my life. I stalked his social medias everyday. Should I talk with him? Or should I block him, so I can stop myself from stalking? Or just do nothing?
The Answer
Do you think he wants to be your friend? Or sees you as a friend?
Generally, when someone asks you to be in a relationship, it means they aren't happy with a friendship and will usually withdraw from the friendship if you turn them down.
It's not evil. It's just human. You rejected him. Rejection sucks and often leads to the end of a friendship.
If you want to be friends, you'll need to speak up and reach out to him. Tell him you still want to be friends and you feel you are drifting part. If you don't want to be friends, then yes, you should stop stalking him. It's not a healthy way to cope with the end of a friendship.
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The Question
im 32 and he is 27 he is a store manager at a grocery store...from the looks of things he is doing quite well for himself. well ive had a couple of customers ask me was I his girlfriend..i said no.....and he looked up at me and then put his head down....anyway he is shorter than me im 5'3 and he is 5'0 and he is fluffy ( I normally don't date men of that stature ) but if he was to ask me out id give him a chance, he seems like a very nice guy..he picks on me constantly, he knows I like to cook so now he asks me what am I going to cook him......lmao.....even my brother was like that dude wants you.....well today I went up to him and I was like, hey and he turned around and stared at me with this shocked/stunned looked on his face and I said here and I gave him a folded piece of paper with my name and number on it and I walked away...since I did that do you think he will finally get some courage and ask me out? thanks
The Answer
If a guy doesn't contact you after you give him your number, then he probably doesn't want contact you.
Sorry, that simple. Maybe he doesn't want to because he's nervous or shy, or maybe he has other reasons, but you made your intentions pretty clear.
Unless you intend to ask him out—and I think if you want him this badly you should—then you are gonna have to let this go. If it's important to you that he is the one who does the asking, you've made yourself about as clear as you can.
Unless you get the courage together, to put aside stupid gender roles and concerns keep you from just inviting him out, then it's probably time to accept that he's not taking the bait you are putting out there.
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The Question
I have bad anxiety and I put a blog explaining why anxiety made me leave school so that people wouldn't ask questions, a few weeks later a guy I've been friends with for years but grown apart from came to me saying he has depression. I didn't think anything of it until he came to me everyday saying he wanted to kill himself, and then came to me with a knife saying he didn't dare cut himself so wanted me to do it, and asked for tips on the best way to do it. Ever since then I haven't wasted my breath on him, just listened. Nothing he says ever adds up: he was taking 20 anti-depressants a day, he said his doctor diagnosed him with depression and then told him that he was wrong and then re-diagnosed him and then told him it wasn't, he said that his counsellor said that it sounds like has bipolar, depression, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and anxiety. This all seems like such rubbish, and I don't want to waste my time on an attention seeker, because it made my anxiety worse at one point that I couldn't help him. He constantly says that he would rather have social anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks like me than have bipolar like him, saying that I have it easier than him.
Is there a way I can find out if he is lying or attention seeking? If I stop going out for walks with him then I'll never leave my house, making me worse. I don't know what to do.
The Answer
Just tell an adult. This is not your problem. You can't really know for sure if he is lying or not, but it's not important.
Look, maybe he is full of shit, you can't know for sure what is real and what isn't, and it's not important. What is important is that you take care of your own mental health, and right now he is infringing on that. He is using up your emotional resources on his oneupmanship bullshit. Maybe he really is in pain and having some problems—that doesn't mean you can help him right now!
If he is telling the truth, you should tell an adult about the stuff he's saying.
If he is full of shit, you should tell an adult about the stuff he is saying.
In either case, the right thing to do is put this problem on a grown up. His shit's not your shit, and his shit is making your anxiety worse whether it's real or made up.
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The Question
My ex crush keeps smirking at me ... like this morning, he smirked at me and gave me a respectable head nod as I was headed to my office... why????
i no longer like him because I found out he has a fiancée and has been engaged for 3yrs..he told me he was single..he lied bluntly to my face.....I stopped all the chit chats and the walks etc....I totally backed off. he knows I cant have him and he cant have me.....and if he was to mess with me he'd be cheating.....so I was thinkin him smirkin and staring at me aint nothing good....I think he has something up his sleeve...and it aint nothing good...his behavior is odd, im thinkin he may try and rape me....cuz the way he has been actin is very odd........what do u all think any advice? thanks
The Answer
Ignore him.
He's being an ass and trying to get your attention. If you really fear sexual violence, then you speak to someone in your workplace, either Human Resources of your manager, but from what you've described in this question rape doesn't seem like an immediate risk.
If all it is is smirking, ignore it. He's looking for attention.
If he graduates to speaking to you, or touching you, tell him to stop and get someone at your workplace involved to tell him he must stop.
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The Question
One of my best friends has metastatic breast cancer. It's starting to progress pretty quickly at this point, although she still has some really good days. So, here's my question to you all...
We've always been attracted to each other. However, because her gf (who is actually an ex at this point...its complicated) and I are good friends and we're adults, we've never, ever acted on it. Talked about it, but never done anything. If we'd met before she met my friend, we'd be together, for sure. But she and the gf don't have sex, ever, and haven't for a very, very long time. She says the gf is a really, really bad lover. But she does want to have one night of great, passionate sex before the cancer takes away her ability to enjoy it. We haven't talked about this at all, but I can give that to her, and I'd LIKE to give that to her. I just don't know if its appropriate to make the offer. I was thinking it would only be a one-time thing, and kept completely confidential forever and ever. Is this a really bad idea?
The Answer
If you haven't talked about it at all, how do you know she wants to have one night of great passionate sex?
So, you've talked about it. She's opened at the door on that conversation at some point. If you want in there, then it's probably time to speak up.
Lets be real: It's probably not a great idea. Putting aside for a second the idea of 'giving' somebody sex - rather than sharing a good time with someone - it will almost certainly leave you both emotionally raw, conflicted and even more vulnerable in a time that that is already going to be very challenging, for her, for her partner, and for you. Even if stays a secret (which is may not) it's going to have an impact on your friendship and that impact might not be all positive.
I'm pretty sure you've already decided to do this, so just do yourself this much of a favour: Be honest with her and believe what she says to you. Trust her if she says no, or she's not sure. Don't push or prod. And tell her honestly that you want to have sex with her - not because you pity her or want to do this FOR her. It's not a charity case and you aren't doing her a favour - you wanna fuck her. Don't pretend to be a selfless hero. That isn't what you are doing. You want to have sex with her because YOU want to have sex with her - not because you want to give her the 'gift' of good sex.
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