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Was I too selfish when I said this to him?
21/f
I have a gay best friend who has recently smothered me from the details of his new relationship. I hear about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Literally. I am currently down and in a rut when it comes to my love life. And he knows this. He has,I'm not kidding,informed me if EVERY date,kiss,bite and sex they've had. And I just couldn't stand it anymore. I am by no means jealous. I just don't want to hear about relationships until I get my life together. So I sent him a message with this content:
"I have a favour to ask. And I know it's going to sound selfish,but I have to make this request. You know that I really don't have my shit together when it comes to my love life. And frankly it makes me uncomfortable hearing about you and him every single day. It's not about jealousy,I just think you're sharing too much of what is supposed to be private. Nonetheless I'm very glad that you two are happy. There,I had to get that off my chest."
And he replied by berating me about doing the same when I was dating so he thought it was OK. While I did tell him about my relationships,I never went into so much detail,and every single day. I feel at ease that I won't listen to that anymore,but I fesr I may lose his friendship now. Am I a bad person for simply wanting to be at peace from his constant nagging?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I think you did the right thing. That sounds like too much information and you did not ask to hear it. If he was a real friend he would understand that he was crossing the line instead of turning around and saying that you do the same thing. He doesn't seem very mature. And even if you did do the same thing then he should have spoken up and not get some kind of "payback" and do what you "did" to him IF that may be the case. But I don't know if that was really what he was thinking, you probably have a gut feeling for his actions. So trust it. Friendship is about listening just like in a relationship! its good to put boundaries in the future before things get too muddy. So no don't feel bad!
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I don't think it was selfish. You did it too, but he way overdid it. Some people just talk too much and share too much information and they don't realize it. Sometimes I just wanna say "SHUUUTT UUUPP!!!"
You didn't come off as a bitch by your words, but he just got offended anyway. Some people just get offended way too easily and any kind of suggestion/request may be taken as criticism or attack and their response is to defend themselves how they know how. In his case, by berating you.
If you decide to apologize, say what you said here. That you're in a rut with your love life and you don't need to know every detail about someone else's successes because it makes you feel bad. (even if the last part isn't true). But it'll win you sympathy points and he'll probably forget about being offended.
And no, deciding that you don't want to put up with someone's constant nagging does not make you a bad person.
Might wanna rethink whether this nagging diva is really worth to keep as a friend.
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Yes, it was a bit selfish, but it probably wasn't a mistake to talk about your feelings.
It's good to be a bit selfish about your own needs and happiness. In friendships or relationships, it's good to speak up for yourself.
But you did fuck up. Here is where you fucked up:
When he said "But you did this too!!!" the right response was "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I don't want us to hurt each other."
Maybe he IS worse at this then you ever were, but it was still unkind not to acknowledge his feelings on the matter. It was okay to not want to hear about his relationship all the time. It was not okay to get your back up, and refuse to listen to HIS experience of your behavior.
Honestly, the best thing you can do right now, is apologize if you ever made his feel upset or in pain when you were sharing your relationship happiness - because he deserves to have his feelings respected just as much as you deserve to have yours respected. Instead of getting defensive, and insisting you were never as bad as he is, remind him that you really want him to speak up if something you are doing (like talking about your relationship happiness all the time) is hurting him.
Maybe talking about your relationship as you did didn't actually upset him - hopefully, if that's the case, he'll realize that the important part here is not about it being exactly 'the same' for each person, but about respecting that different people may feel differently. But your best path forward is still to apologize for any pain you did cause him, and tell him how much you appreciate having a friendship where you can be honest and take good care of each other.
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