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Do friends subconsciously give advice out of jealousy?
So I will start off by saying 24/female. I have been now living around the world for two years, across 4 continents and am really enjoying this lifestyle for the moment. It is a true blessing that even though I made happen, I still feel lucky to have the opportunity. I even fell in love in one of these places, and though its not perfect due to the traveling nature of both our jobs, it makes me happy.
The question I want to ask is regarding friendship. My friends from back home although I try to keep them in the loop of my life as often as I can, do not really know what is happening, which country I am in, or any real details about my love life.
Recently talking to a friend from home she asked me how my relationship was, and I told her it was great, though i went into detail for the first time about why it is challenging. Her answer truly disturbed me and made me wonder, do good people say and think things out of jealousy subconsciously even when they don't mean to?
Her answer to me explaining the challenges of the relationship was matter of factly, without her really knowing the details, the guy, or the situation at all. it was simply: " I don't mean to hurt you but it sounds to me like you're just not the one for him, he doesnt really love you". She was implying that if he did love me none of the challenges I described would exist because in the end love conquers all????
For someone to say that when they don't know much about the situation just made me think...is it possible that people say things because they are subconsciously rooting for you to fail (not because of anything to do with you, but because they feel better about their own lives and situation if they see someone else struggling).
I don't want to think my friend is like this on purpose, or at all, but the whole ordeal just made me want to stop telling anyone any details and just keep what is my personal life to myself. In the end you are the one that has to live with it and make decisions, but having an answer as such coming from a friend really took me aback, not because I think she is right (although I've considered all sides of this), but because during the whole conversation, no other option seemed possible to her except that I should dump him and be single because he doesn't love me. And with this girl according to her no guy has ever loved me because this has always been her advice. (I've only had 3 guys in my whole life and not one of them was good enough or truly loved me according to her)
Just doesn't seem right to me.
What do you think?
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Well this is a mixed answer. Especially since there arent any details about what was going on with you and this guy. But what I can say is that if it is cheating, then he doesnt love you.
But. Yes, sometimes people can say things out of jealousy naturally, especially if they want to be doing what you are doing. But that doesnt always mean they will sabotage your happiness because they are jealous. Now if these other serious relationships didnt work out, then they obviously didnt love you ENOUGH. I think that is what she meant. Not to down play the time you spent with these people, but looking at the bigger picture.
However it seems to me the biggest problem with this is that you are really defensive about all of this. It sounds like you and this friend have a deeper issue than her giving you shady advice on a guy you seem to have fairly recently met. Maybe you should talk to this friend about what issues you guys had that yall just kind of skated over. You would be surprised at how we can really overreact in small situations when we havent truly taken care of bigger fish with someone.
Good Luck!
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2 things I want to bring up first before going on further. Razhies right about the assumptions thing going both ways. Assume pulled apart is Ass U Me. itS a good thing to remember that when we assume we know what someones going through, or assume someone is trying to root for you to fail, she just may simply not know, not have learned those lessons and mastered them yet in life. Its like a 7th grader expecting a 4th grader to Ace the same spelling words a 7th grader does. You may have aced some things in life, some parts of how to go about having a relationship that she simply has no clue about. In trying to empathize with someone, we often end up saying the wrong thing, I have done that on occasion and I'll have to admit, it still happens, but not because my intent is to do that, my intent is actually the opposite. What does happen is: too often the caring people out there, really do not know enough of your life or situation to be able to encourage the way that would be helpful.
Here's another way I can put it, its how God actually looks at our hearts intent rather than how it came out in the end not looking so good.
I remember vividly talking to God after my ex chewed me out and I wondered if indeed I might have been in the wrong. I asked God if I was and needed to apologize. His answer to me was, "Hon, I can see your heart and your intent was in the right place. The only real problem is with him and how he interpreted your tone of voice. He's not mature enough to look past that, only focused on your tone of voice. So if you want to try improving, just watch your tone of voice next time, Otherwise, I have no problem with how you handled things."
This brings us to number 2 issue: People taking things too personally most the time. This could mean we are too sensitive and easily hurt, usually when we suffer some low self esteem or low self confidence in the first place. If I know I am doing the best decision I know how at the time for me, then no ones comment or actions can eat at me. Its when someone is tossing negative stuff at you 24/7 you can get stressed by having to hear it over and over as in my past verbally abusive marriage, and thats when it is time to cut off the relationship and remove yourself from associating with such a person. In the case of your friend, I highly doubt she's like this with you around the clock. If she is tho, and you've done everything on your end to grow and mature through these situations to not take things personally and not make assumptions, then it is okay to no longer associate with her, not out of hated or disgust for her, but simply out of love for yourself first, loving yourself enough to remove yourself from a harmful situations for you.
I will admit that there are times when a girl who for whatever reasons is doing something wrong or picking the wrong guys, ends up jealous when seeing friends with boyfriends, and in order to feel better, do a trick humans having been doing for ages, find ways to lower their friend back down to their status so they can feel better about themselves.
Its a subconscious action most people are unaware they are doing, but in order to feel better about themselves, instead of growing maturing and bettering themselves so they become good relationship material and start attracting others, they will try to purposely sabotage or talk friends out of relationships to bring their status back down to hers, being single so she can feel better about cus now she feels more normal hanging out with other single women.If indeed this is what she is doing, you may want to reconsider how you choose your friends because this is not the action a friend would take on a friend.
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I think you are making the same mistakes as your friend did. You are assuming the worst of her, assuming she doesn't care enough when it's much, much more likely she is simply reflecting her own life experience and responding to the very limited information about your life.
If you think she is subconsciously rooting for you to fail, then you shouldn't be her friend, but honestly, you should check yourself on that assumption. It's almost more unkind than any of her assumptions about your relationship.
Chances are very good that her negativity is having a far greater impact on her own life than it could ever have on yours. So let it go. So she gives bad advice on guys. Sounds like this wasn't the first time she'd given you bad advice on guys either—you already knew this wasn't a strength of hers. Stop looking to her for advice on guys. If you have a friendship that is strong in other ways, focus on those other ways, and trust your own judgement when it comes to guys.
Don't let one person's bad advice create your entire outlook on advice and friendship. That's a bit overblown, and you are going to end up cutting yourself off from some good advice and support as well as the bad.
You are right that in the end, we need to make our own choices and live with them, but honestly, you also need to have the strength of character to accept that other people may view your choices differently, without shutting down, tuning out and never talking about your life with anyone.
We all have our weaknesses, our biases and our damages, but most of us do not actually want to hurt others. When someone gives you horrible advice, it's far more likely that they are reflecting their own struggles and biases than they are trying to do you any harm—even unconsciously. It means they are a bad person to seek advice from. It doesn't mean people are evil and all advice is bad.
I know this friend's comments hurt you, but you need to take a big step back from this ledge and put her comments in the context of your wider life. There are people worth listening to and considering their opinions. There are people who are not so much worth listening too. You've learned something about this one person. Don't let her mistakes colour your entire outlook.
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